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Broken Promises
Okay, well I made a promise not to lose my virginity before I got married. Not only did I promise myself, but I promised my friend (let say his name is Mark). So.. I found this guy I'm totally heels over head with (lets say his name is Anthony). I fell for this guy, and within the first 3 months, we became intimate. This was back in September. We're still together, and going strong, but we do have sex. I know I broke that promise to myself, but my friend had JUST found out (months later) and now like thinks I'm so stupid, and that I hurt him and blah blah blah. Cuz he's my "best friend", and yeah if you can't tell, he likes me ALOT. And I feel like I've let him down. I love Anthony, I don't regret having sex with him, and I'll keep having it. But how do I tell Mark that he needs to move on, and that it's my own life. Please give me good answers, I'll give good ratings!!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You can't give him any metaphors or say "you really hurt my feelings, blah blah blah." You have to tell him EXACTLY how you feel, how he's treating you, and why he has no right to treat you this way. Say, "I'm not your property. It's my body and my choice, and you have no say in it. You really need to grow up and get over it. If you keep acting this way I may need to end my friendship with you." Actually, him putting you down and saying that you hurt him are technically signs of abusiveness. I'm not saying he's abusing you, I'm just saying that those are signs. And I think you should note that I am VERY paranoid when it comes to abuse and I often tend to make a big deal out of nothing. But if you tell him how you feel about it and he doesn't lay off and you start to feel that he is trying to control you, go to your parents or the police or anyone right away. Hopefully that isn't the case, and he's just being immature. Don't feel like you've let him down. Promise or not, it's not his body. And if you are being stupid (which I'm sure you're not, you sound really together) then that's your mistake to make.
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Mark can't be responsible for your choics any more than you can be responsible for his. You've made a decision you're happy with - you're in a good relationship, you're having sex, you see yourself continuing this way for the foreseeable future. Good for you!
You don't need to be made to feel bad about your choices. Just let Mark know that while you felt you were making the best decision at the time, people change. Flexibility is part of life.
If Mark cares for you, no doubt he feels threatened by your boyfriend. He probably also feels hurt that you didn't share your change of heart with him. Try to have an honest conversation without getting agressive or defensive, and then back off. Mark needs to decide if he wants to continue in the friendship or not, since you can't 'make' him okay about your choice to have sex.
Best of luck.
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i dont think there is an easy way to tell him this, you can tell him how you feel about anthony and give him time to thin about it and try to understand that you don't feel the same way that he feels about you, hopefully things will bounce back eventually and he can move on.
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well it's your virginity, not Mark's so I'm confused as why you would promise him in the first place.
Anywho, obviously it's going to hurt his feelings. There's probably going to be some trust issues between him, so I'd make sure you don't blow him off for your boyfriend (not saying you do, but just be careful not to), because it will just make things worse. You're going to have to earn it back.
But when talking to him about it, I'd make sure to mention how it's your virginity, your sexuality, he really doesn't factor into it.
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"But how do I tell Mark that he needs to move on, and that it's my own life."
You could just tell him that, you know.
There's no way that you're not going to hurt him. There's no way to let him down easy. If he likes you, if he has a crush on you, if he's in love with you, there is NO WAY to say "I'm going to keep sleeping with somebody else, no matter how you feel" and not hurt him really badly.
But that's life. He'll survive. He has my sympathy, because I've been through the same thing, pretty much, but there's really nothing you can do to make it any easier on him. Just make your position clear, so as not to give him any false hope. And if you notice that you and he can't be friends any more - that is, if he's obviously still in love with you - then you need to talk to him about it, tell him you can't be friends with him any more (and why), wish him good luck, and say goodbye.
And please don't tell him that he'll find some other girl or anything like that. It might be true (probably is), but that's probably the last thing in the world he'd want to hear from you.
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