Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 29842
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My boyfriend sacrificed 2 years focusing on soccer. He wants to be a soccer player. He was on a soccer camp to prepare for this huge tryout that he had been dreaming in getting. His very upset. What can I tell him to make him feel better? (link)
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Remind him what every sportsman should know. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you learn. Take some positive lessons away from the experience, even if they're learned the hard way and tough pills to swallow. And come back wiser and stronger. There'll be more trials, more training, more matches. More chances. You're not a loser if you get beaten...you're only a loser if you quit. Hang in there.
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I've been in a relationship with a girl from overseas for almost two years. I'm a 26 y/o guy, and she's 24. She came with me here about a year and a half ago. I treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out when I have time, tell her that she's beautiful, help her look for work, and a lot with English.
Last year she started acting funny and talking about a guy, and I found out she cheated on me by looking at her phone, and reading her emails (Not saying this was right, just that I did it). I confronted her, but I never really felt she thought what she did was wrong. I promised not to look at her stuff again.
For the half year since then she's been using her phone a ton, and hiding it from me. Lately she has been getting calls and messages from the guy she cheated with on me again, so often that even though she doesn't want me to know, it's inevitable that I would see at some point. She gets pissed off over trivial things, she's stuck to her phone 24/7, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and sometimes I don't feel like she even wants to be here.
So I gave her time, and everything just felt kind of wrong. I broke my promise and checked up on her. She's still cheating on me, and things never really stopped. She tells me she's faithful, nothing has happened, and she loves me, but I know she's lying.
Recently she got offered her dream job in my country, and the contract process is happening fairly quickly. She's staying here on a Partner visa with me, and we live together. If I break up with her, she either has to leave within a month, or become illegal. Apart from that, it will obviously make my life more hellish for that month than it already is living with a person who you know is lying to you with a straight face, while making out with another guy. I know that she is planning to stay with me for the two years it will take for her to gain permanent residence, and then leave me for the guy she is cheating on me with.
In my country, you can only ever sponsor two people to be partners, and if your first partner is granted PR, the length your second one has to wait grows to 5 years, rather than just 2.
I don't know how to handle breaking up with her, and what to say to who, when. I don't want to be taken advantage of, or have my name smeared by this. Breaking up with her before she gets PR will pretty much destroy her whole life as she knows it. She quit her job to come here with me, which is kind of a black spot on her employment history in her home country. I feel angry and upset about what she has done to our relationship, but I'm still battling feelings of love for her, and I don't want to see her broken. I wish everything I know about what's happened could be a lie, but I know it's not, so I have to deal with it.
To complicate things, accepting the job involves costly medical and security checks for her, and may mean we consider moving. I'm at university, and I only just found this out, right before the exam period. I really don't want to think about this before exams, and I definitely don't want to break up with her just before my first exam, so I am putting it off, but I feel so guilty for "supporting" her through the process of getting checks and references for this job that I know will be difficult if not impossible for her to keep.
What would you do?
What should I tell her? The truth? Or that I've fallen out of love, but don't know why? Or that one of her friends told me the truth?
How do I deal with the stress of living together with this oblivious lying girl who tells me she loves me?
What should I do to handle the resistance that I'm likely to have to breaking up with her? She won't want to break up with me, because she wants PR.
Can you tell me some steps and the order in which I might do them?
Any other general advice about the situation that I haven't asked a specific question about is more than welcome.
Thanks in advance.
-Troubled (link)
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Bit of a heart and mind wrenching tale here I'm afraid. First off you must tell her the truth. That be it by fair means or foul you know she is not being faithful to you. Perhaps 'spying' in effect is a bit underhand...but less so than having other relationships and denying them. You have the moral high ground. Living with someone who is lying to you is more than stressful, I think. Most (myself included) would find it completely unacceptable. Any relationship without trust is not worth a light. Family, work, romantic...whatever. Without trust you've got nothing. As far as resistance, it's a matter of conscience. The only real weapon she has is emotional blackmail. You CANNOT refuse to break-up with someone who no longer wants you around, simple as that. As for damaging her prospects, the stress of this will damage YOUR future prospects (re. exams for a start), as you have recognised. Really, I'm not seeing any positives for you in this whole scenario. Sorry. It's sometimes said that we do not change until we reach the very brink. We do not act until not acting is no longer an option. Possibly confronting her with the fact that it is over COULD be a wake-up call, might shock or jar her into becoming a proper partner. At present, she certainly is NOT. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Sympathy is not enough to maintain a relationship, and it will cut no ice knowing you acted with compassion and thought when you start counting your losses and licking your wounds later. Believe me on this. As for order, you must confront her that you know she is lying regarding her fidelity and commitment. It will go from there, pan out in it's own order. You're still saying 'we' a lot in your question, I notice? As it stands there is no 'we'. You feel taken advantage of because she is being scheming and manipulative, totally self-seeking and not considering your feelings or wishes one bit. If you can't raise enough indignation and even anger about this to force a showdown then you will have to tolerate, and even actively engage in a relationship which will over time destroy your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth...and end in anger & resentment. This is NOT good form, or being a 'nice guy'. It's self-defeating and self-destructive. If you need to justify your actions to yourself (as even the most hard-hearted people need to do, to some degree)then tell yourself it's the conclusion of a situation that she set in motion and perpetuated, one you didn't even want. It sounds to me like she'll lose much more than you. I don't expect you take some vengeful pleasure in this fact, you simply 'don't sound the type' from the way you've written. But you cannot take responsibility for it or feel guilty about it if and when things turn out badly for her either. There'll be other games, she will have other chances. I hope she recognises a winning hand and plays it better than she has this one. You've been played long enough man. I know what I'd do.
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I am a 26 year old woman and I get so frustrated with myself because I have quite a few irrational fears. What doesn't make sense is that I KNOW they're irrational and I'm still afraid of them anyway.
My sister's getting married Saturday and insisted that I get a tan for the wedding. My choices were to get a spray tan or get a real one. Since spray tans aren't really my jam, I chose to get a real one with the use of a tanning bed. Today was about my fifth day to do so and its so hard for me to relax in those beds. I keep thinking about getting overheated, getting burned, getting skin cancer, damaging my eyes and most ridiculously, the plastic over the bulbs breaking or melting or one of the bulbs exposing or something.
My biggest problem with spray tans is that I wouldn't be able to shower, wash my hands, or use hand sanitizer for a certain amount of time and I'm WAY too germphobic for that.
I'm afraid of all kinds of things. Food poisoning, riding on an airplane, going outside alone after dark, anesthesia wearing off at the dentist's office, bugs crawling on me while I'm asleep and all kinds of other things.
I know I probably need counseling, but please give me some other advice as well. Also, are any of these fears as irrational as I think they are? (link)
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Some of these fears are not irrational as such. But a proper analysis of risk starts with the severity of the problem multipied by the probabilty of it happening. Thus on a scale of zero to 100 an aicraft crash could well rate a severity of 100, the probabilty of a particular aircraft actually crashing is much less than one. If we put it a 100,000 to 1 against the risk becomes 100 x 0.00001 = 0.001. That's 0.001 on a scale of 0 to 100. Not a high risk then, eh? Strong irrational fears are usually termed phobia. We cannot readily be talked or reasoned out of them as they reside in a part of our mind which we cannot talk directly to or reason with. A less direct approach is needed which will require face to face consultation with a psychiatrist if the fears are impacting significantly on your quality of life.,
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My cousin is making me feel really uncomfortable. Today we went to my uncles house to watch the soccer match (FIFA 2014) so I was feeling ok. I went to my cousin and asked him a favor if he could download me a movie and pass it to my USB. He said ok so I went upstairs with him and at first he acted all right he asked how i was at school...... Then all of sudden he grabbed my waist pulled me to him closer each time and started touching my back softly! Then he grabbed my hand and kissed it and started like touching my back again it felt disgusting! He asked me if I feel uncomfortable and of course I said YES! Then he left and I just stood there feeling Ughh ! I don't want to tell my parents! Please what else can I do? Help me!
(link)
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Naturally this is NOT acceptable behaviour. I can appreciate that you are reluctant to go to your parents. You may not need to. Perhaps you could try approaching him yourself. Be as mature and serious as you can and point out to him that what happened here is not acceptable, you found it unwelcome and upsetting and under no circumstances is anything like it ever to happen again. Do not laugh it off or back down suggesting it doesn't matter. But stress that providing he understands and complies with what you've just said then you are prepared to overlook it and will not mention it to him again. Or your parents. Any repeat or attempted repeat and you will inform your parents straight away, explaining everything and he'll have to handle the outcome. This is a good way of taking control of your own life and a positive act of self-determination IF you feel up to it. If you DO NOT feel up to it then simply tell your parents now. Sure, it'll be an awkward and embarrassing moment. But remember that YOU have done NOTHING WRONG here. You did not invite his unwelcome advances and in fact found them very unpleasant. In short you either make an attempt to put things straight yourself first (with the very clear threat that you WILL inform your parents if he even THINKS about stepping out of line again), or enlist the help of parents to put it straight right now. Either way, it's got to stop. Be brave. X
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I am almost 100% sure I have depersonalization. I know I shouldn't assume but by the looks of it, I'm sure I have it. I always feel like I'm in a dream and It's scary. I have severe anxiety and depression.
I know the way to cure depersonalization is to stop thinking about it, but I can't. My mind is always thinking about it. I've tried watching tv, playing a game, etc., but it just won't work. I can't even sleep at night because of it being on my mind. I am going to see a doctor to see if this is depersonalization, but until then, this is all I can do. Any advice ASAP please. Thank you (link)
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Severe anxiety and depression is more than likely to produce the 'dream-like' feeling. Depersonalisation is more easily spotted in someone BY someone else. Think of it as 'escaping' from the reality that's hurting or disturbing you by having 'other versions of you'. They 'handle' things for you. In advanced cases the disorder causes the sufferer to have a number of these alternate personality states (or 'alters') which they appear to drop in and out of as it were, when under moments of stress, or when they're finding real life hard to cope with. But they don't really know when they're doing it. Others notice, the person seems to become a fantasist, or even an abject liar and claim experiences, attributes and personal histories which you (the observer) know are simply not real. The good news is that we all have some tendency to 'dissociate reality' to some extent when we are finding life hard to cope with. It's much nicer to think and talk about the person we'd like to be, in a situation we are in control of...rather than what's really going on. And it does mostly pass, once we 'sort out' (as it were) the root cause of the anxiety. So don't jump to the conclusion that you have a severe psychiatric disorder until you've had a face-to-face chat with the doctor. Severe cases can make the sufferer unable to function, almost impossible to live with in a work/home/relationship environment and there are possible (long term, at 15 you're not in the running...almost unknown in anyone under 25) links to schizoprenia. BUT I'll stress that extreme dissociation disorders are VERY RARE. It's hard not to dwell on morbid and scary thoughts when you're suffering with anxiety/depression. As a knee-jerk response I'd strongly assume that if you're in control enough to think you're having depersonalisation issues, you're almost certainly NOT having depersonalisation issues. A classic hallmark of this behaviour is a refusal to accept or acknowledge that we are...making it extremely difficult to treat with conventional therapy/counselling. You'll find a way clear, meantime try to avoid 'soaking-up' information about possible physical and mental conditions as you're in a bit of a mind-set at the moment to convince yourself you've got ALL of them! Maybe some sort of creative outlet would be better than games or tv? Can you draw, paint, sketch, take nice pictures on your phone/camera, redesign and re-decorate your bedroom, design, convert or make some fashion outfits? You've maybe got more/better ideas? Whatever it is, let the 'real you' make something in short. Whatever it is, DO IT (or try at least), don't just daydream about doing it. X
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I am from Nepal a 20 years girl.My bf says me that I am characterless.He fought with me and we broke up.I haven't done anything like characterless.He used vulgur words and bit me hardly.I still love him.I can't live without him.I wanna die Days are very difficult to live.Nights are diffucult to dream..What should I do?I am completely broken. (link)
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There may be a cultural angle here. Let us look at it from the point of humanity. You are NOT defined by your boyfriend. His opinion of you is not worth anything and has no real power over you. You DO NOT need his permission or approval to exist and be happy. You are a unique individual. Valuable. You have a place in the world. You CAN and WILL live without him, or anybody else. You lived many years without even knowing he existed. How much are you going to let somebody else affect YOUR LIFE? Nobody can emotionally hurt or humiliate you unless YOU allow them to. Always remember that.
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If a man is bi it's wrong when a girl is bi it's OK. A man screws with 100 girls he's a stud a girl screws with 1 guy and she's labeled a slut. It's not fair. (link)
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Hi. Now there's a question! Regarding promiscuity we have to use nature as a model in part. Males of the species are often sexually prolific. Think of the red deer..the males fight (during a process called 'the rut') with other males to dominate a certain territory. With it comes the right to mate with ALL the female deer, and it might be 30 or more. This model is by no means rare in nature. All coupling in the natural sense is for one purpose, to breed and to propogate the animals own genetic information. I am not aware of any other species having 'recreational sex'... and the idea seems a bit-left field doesn't it? The female then has a (maybe long) period of carrying the offspring before birth. She is physically NOT capable of having multiple partners at a time. The word 'stud' you use itself refers to male horses, who 'cover' many females. OK, we're not animals (the dumbest human is vastly more intellectually developed than the brightest other animal) but it's quite impossible to deny we're mammalian and thus have a lot of mammalian instinct and behavioural patterns 'wired' into us via the evolutionary process. Society wise, we rate and value monogamy and even 'chastity' in our female members. The template again, a woman will only produce a small number of ova during her fertile years, in the same period a man will produce billions of sperm. Despite this we have engineered a system of monogamy, where it's not really acceptable for a man to copuluate with other women when he has a partner. Intresting to note too, in broken relationships women have a sort of 'natural right' to custody of children. Again, we're following conventions as old as man. Why are bi-girls 'more acceptable'. Possibly because women are more 'touchy feely' (tactile is a more correct word) in relationships with their own sex in ways not acceptable to men. In practice, many women find gay girls an unpleasant thought but may often have close gay male friends. Likewise many heterosexual males are stronlgy homophobic, even aggressive towards gay males...while finding bisexual and/or gay women perfectly acceptable...even finding the idea of it sexually arousing. The idea is propogated strongly in adult (OK...pornographic!) entertainment. We can put this down to threat-response. A gay male may be an unacceptable threat to a heterosexual male, but poses NO threat at all to a heterosexual woman (hence the fairly common 'gay best friend' scenario). So 'OK' is really a conditional, rather than an absolute statement...it depends entirely on where you stand. It's all far less pronounced than it was in the past, so perhaps that's encouraging. Sexually prolific women are not especially condemned anymore, and homosexuality is no longer a criminal offence punishable by prison (which it was until surprisingly recently in many countries). I've steered well clear of any religious objections to promiscuity and/or homosexuality here...it's not my bag and it's not possible to ponder and query faith these with logical explanation...you believe and comply or you don't and it's not my (or anyone's) business to question a persons moral and religious conviction. Full (if boring!) answer??
ps...the idea of homosexuality in other animals is equally bizarre. I doubt two male birds have ever built a nest together! Whether you like/dislike homosexuality, from the breeding point of view it is unarguably sterile. Thus can only really be called a lifestyle option and sex must be 100 percent purely recreational.
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am a high school senior, i am so
worried that my feeling to this boy i
love is going to show b/c i don't
want any body to know even though
its killing me inside! i know he
loves me b/c he asked me to be his
girl friend way before and we
talk,but not in person its by e-mail
b/c when he sees me he is so shy
even to say "hi" b/c i rejected his
question eventhough i wanted to
say yes so bad, but when i did that i
told him that we could be friends or
even best friends.so i should have
been the one talking to him b/c he
is my classmate and am not
shy ,that was who i should have
been, but i love him too that i also
get nervous to talk to him so i think
he feels bad coz am avoiding him to
talk to him by e-mail too but my
reason is that it feels so awkward to
talk by e-mail then not talk in
person. its really easy to talk to
other boys in my class but its hard
to even call his name, but you know
what i want to be able to talk to him
as a friend but he is always with his
friends and i am too thats one of
the reason we both get shy i guess
b/c everybody knows he asked me
to be his girlfriend so they all make
fun of us and i think thats how i got
feelings for him in the first place b/
c of every body telling me about
him, they always make fun of me
saying he is my husband and
sometimes they tell me that we fit
each other and being sure that we
will get married in the future. and
if they see us talk i think they will
laugh so hard, with that being said i
am willing to talk to him as normal
friends b/c i couldn't be more than
that for many reasons but i never
got a chance to find him alone i
always wishesd,prayed, to find him
alone but there it has been 1 years
i did't get a chance. if he had never
asked to be his girlfriend things
would have been great between us
as good friends b/c even our
families are close friends so we
could have got a chance to talk to
each other, but now i don't know
what to do please if you have any
suggestion.......help!!! (link)
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Hi there! Although you say you're scared it might show I'd say the reaction of your friends and the 'husband'/'made for each other' type comments mean it already shows to the outside observer. Thing about guys...it takes a lot of nerve to ask a girl to be your girlfriend, and if she says no, and she'd like to 'just be friends' (he'll take that as 'Hey you're sweet...but FANCY you? NO CHANCE!)it's a real old blow to his ego and a severe knock-back. He's reacted with a little shyness (far better than some, who might be nasty and bad-mouth you when they're effectively 'rejected'). Faced with awkwardness and shyness it would be amazing if you WEREN'T a bit shy and awkward in return, however confident a person you otherwise are. There's a very definite and strong vibe coming from what you've written (it's a thing you can spot from rhythms and dynamics of the writing and 'style', not hocus-pocus or mystic powers). You're bloody CRAZY about him, aren't you? You chat via email, right? Somehow you've got to arrange a one-to-one meeting and really steel yourself to tell him how you feel. Just let it all pour out. Forget about looking stupid or what YOU think HE will think. Once you start it'll come easier...it's like building your nerve up as a kid to go on a scary amusement park ride...once you're on the car starts rolling it's too late to go back...you're on for the ride! It'll be like that. You clearly had a good reason to turn him down originally. Is the path clearer now? Are you wishing you'd rolled the dice and said 'Yeah...let's try'? How about telling him you WANTED to say yes...but you didn't feel ready or at all certain about it (say 'it' meaning a 'a relationship' and not 'him' meaning you weren't sure about him as a person...it'll help!). Tell him that you've lived aned learned a bit in the past year you wish so much now that you had said yes. And see what happens. I've got a feeling he's just longing to hear this. If it's not to be, at least you'll know and soon you'll find yourself looking at other guys (believe me, it does happen!). Key here is don't WAIT for the chance...make it happen. By the way, we're pretty 'visual' us guys. So when you face-off for that chat make sure you look every bit as good as you can. Outfit, hair and make-up you KNOW suits you best. Go on girl...knock him out!! X
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So I am almost 16 years old and my first car is being shipped and on its way. I am getting a silver 2009 Mitsubishi Eclipse. Is this a cute car/good choice? (link)
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I don't know much about cars, and I'm not that 'into' them. But I'll tell you one sure fact. It's your first and you'll remember it LONG after you've forgotten all the cars you own and/or drive afterwards. It's freedom, and you'll have loads of fun with your mates and in a year you'll have brilliant memories of it. And when it eventually costs more to repair than it's worth and you let it go you WILL feel strangely sad!! And if you're 35 and driving a spanking new top-end sportscar it still won't feel the same as "that silver Eclipse I got in 2014". Enjoy the open road.
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Everytime when i want to make one step forward HE comes from somewhere and just with 1 look in his eyes everything comes back, our history our things that will never happen again. He was my first love and i'm afraid if i can forget him cause it takes long time ago when we were WE. I want to forget him and treat him the same way he treated me, maybe then he will understand how much it hurts. I just wanted a little fairytale with happy ending, but now i'm afraid to believe in boys. I need courage that everything will be alright! (link)
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Bear with me for a minute. A gambler bets 'differently' after he's just won than he does after he's just lost. After a win your confidence is high. You follow your feelings, and intuition...your 'heart' if you like. After a big lose you're cautious...you lack confidence and belief in yourself. You usually don't make the bet that your intuition and instinct are telling you. You look for something safer..odds a bit more in your favour. In a nutshell....you lose your 'nerve'. I can tell you that ALL dissapointments in life, anything that knocks you back, anything that hurts you HAS THE VERY SAME psychological effect on us. You've been hurt. You've lost your belief. You've lost your nerve. How can you trust a boy? Trust means giving him the power to hurt you. You'll just crash and burn eh? Hang in my friend. It'll come back. That fairy-tale ending maybe looks a long way off right now? Maybe you think you were silly and foolish to believe in happy endings at all? They're closer than you think right now, and you were not silly to believe. You're human. You've lost your nerve. And THAT'S ALL. Believe me. We've all been there, and we'll all be there again from time to time, all our lives. XX
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Hi, I'm 17, female, and a kinda past love of mine is coming to visit soon, I haven't seen him in two years. While he's here I want to get him to fall in love with me? Any tips? (link)
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Think about some really good moments and times you had two years back. Get them sorted in your mind. Like little 'scripts' in a movie, maybe? OK. Then when you're together...replay them, talk to him about them, encoraging him to think back himself and remember them. Get him to talk about HIS best/good memories of the period. Why? Because when we think back about happy times we feel more relaxed and happy and we feel more optimistic and confident about the future. Relaxed, confident and happy are very good things to have in the mix if you're planning to fall in love and be fallen in love with. No gurantees that the 'chemistry' will be there, but you'll be giving it a shove in the right direction! Good luck.X
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Hello there,
For the past week, I've been having the weirdest dreams. I'm not going to go into detail about them, but they're always very weird and effect me the next day. When I wake up, I feel very weird and am just out of it most of the day. I heard it may have been caused from a change in diet; I have been starting to eat healthier recently, if that matters.
Anyways, I just don't like having these weird dreams. I'm often awake late at night because of this, and I hate that. What can I do about this? Any advice appreciated. (link)
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There's a few things you can do to help dream-activity tend to be less vivid. Or more 'not do'. Watching tv, playing computer games and even amusements/games on mobile phones will stimulate certain areas of the brain that come into play when we dream, so don't make these things the last things you do before you go to bed. Stop at least an hour before you plan to go to sleep. Loud music with fast beats can tend to make the situation worse (though nowhere near as much as visual stimulation from movies, games etc). Conversely, many people find low volume, slower music HELPS them get a less colourful dream-scape. Try not to EXPECT the vivid dreams, it will increase your anxiety and make your dreams more vivid and bizarre. Stuff to avoid drinking just before bed are coffee and energy drinks (sugar & caff. NOT your friends here!). Too much alcohol (we've all had 'whiskey dreams'!!) not a good idea. Warm malted drinks are popular and sold as 'night drinks' but I don't like them myself. Spring water (or good old tap water) are neutral and stop you dehydrating (which I DO like). Some dairy foods like cheese are notorious for increasing dream activity. And although they're good for us our bodies do 'work hard' to digest vegetables. And the stomach working hard to digest food will often stimulate dream-activity (but I've no idea of the medical facts as to HOW!). The golden rule is don't eat a big plate full of ANYTHING immediately before going to bed...give your body time to digest it and break it down. Let's say eat no less than two hours before bed...maybe three to four hours even better. Keep in mind we all have dream activity, all the time. Sometimes we remember them when waking. If they are particulalry vivid, amusing or (especially) disturbing and upsetting. They're not real of course, they are certainly not premonitions/predictions, or 'visions' or 'messages'. During times of anxiety they will often have a (coded, or 'scrambled') reference to the issue we're struggling with in our conscious, daytime life and thoughts. A classic is any problem that's worrying you that has an element of 'conflict' (you're trying to choose between some options, maybe 'fighting with your conscience' as the saying goes etc) when our subconscious keeps trying to force the issues up to the surface in an attempt to make us confront and resolve them. But even then, the dreams are NOT in any way predictions, or messages or 'signs of anything'. I'd personally try cutting out any/all of the things we've talked about that are not helping. Set aside a few relaxing hours after your last meal, turn the lights down low and really 'mellow out' before you pop off to bed and see how it goes. Sweet Dreams! X
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Sometimes sex is painful for me. Like when we do doggy or missionary...are there any positions that are more comfortable. It hurts on my side too. (link)
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A woman may find it a little painful at times if her partner penetrates her a little too deeply. If you're having sex 'doggy' penetration is likely to be very deep unless you ask him not to press too deeply (appreciating that this can be difficult for a guy, especially when he's very excited and/or close to his climax). With 'missionary' it will be deeper the higher you raise your knees (if you see what I mean)....legs apart but flat it will be most shallow...the higher then 'angle' you make with your legs the deeper it will become. It's hard to describe in words but I'm sure you can visualise it. So you could keep your legs 'flatter'/'straighter' if it's going in a bit too deeply at any time. It's hard to say exactly why you might find it painful. Is it painful at certain times of the month? Has it just become painful, or has it always been like this? You might try laying on top of him, then you can control how deeply he penetrates you (but it will be 'harder work' for you, obviously. Squatting down with your heels pressing against your bottom will have the OPPOSITE effec, it will increase penetration. Generally, sex in the missionary position shouldn't be painful. Obviously you'll want to make sure you're fully aroused and nice and wet before he penetrates you at all. Possibly use a lubricant gel as well? And make sure you're relaxed (mental tension causes a physical contraction of the muscles, in many cases quite a noticeable one). Being too 'tensed up' could be the culprit, there are plenty of muscles 'down there' of course. Are you worried about anything in particualr? Expecting it to hurt will wind up your stress/tension levels, make you tense-up and make it more likely to hurt. A vicious circle! A glass or two of wine before sex might help you relax for a while (alcohol does have this effect on muscles), help break the 'cycle' we just described. Don't get hammered though, just a relaxing amount!! I can't think of a position as it were that will stop it. I mean the guy's got to be inside you to qualify as having sex. There are various non-specific geneto-urinary (ie affecting your gentials and urinary tracts) infections that can afflict the area. Maybe you have a mild one, that having sex irritates and causes some inflammation...but when you're not having sex it's too mild to have any noticable symptoms? Need an inspection by a doctor to investigate this. Sex might even be a little painful (in the 'muscular' sense if your physically a bit fatigued/tired, a little 'under the weather' (as they say), just not in the mood, or if it goes on a bit too long. My reply seems a bit of a 'scatter gun' approach...firing a rather (very?) broad spread of possibilities. Hope I might have shed a little light or come up with something you hadn't thought of yourself? Have a chat if you want to thrash out anything we've touched on in more detail. Best wishes.
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should I email somebody i'm having serious problems with explaining things? (link)
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YES if you want to try and resolve the issue. NO if you definitely don't want to and and don't really have any interest in keeping them as a friend/acquaintance anyway. How much do you value their opinion of you and how much do you want to keep them 'around'? Communication is 99 out of 100 times the key to resolving interpersonal problems, or at least limiting the damage. An email lets you 'frame' what you want to say, without instant feedback from the other person to way-lay or mislead you you. You can 'say your piece' and wait for a response in a calm and measured way that is often impossible in the ebb and flow of face-to-face conversation. And go from there. If you can happily live without their estimation or opinion it's a case of "Have a nice rest of your life". Forget the problem, forget any attempt to resolve it, forget any idea of 'proving a point' ( especially one that doesn't much matter to you anyhow)...and move on. This might sound cynical, but I've lived a while. When you look back over the years there are surprisingly few people you've known and met who actually 'really matter' (as you might say). And you know who they are, and why. These you explain yourself to, and listen to their explanations. And make the effort for. And it's returned.
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I'm a junior in high school right now. I've only been dating my current boyfriend for four months but I've liked him since August. He means everything to me and I swear I'm in love with this boy. But there's only one problem, his friends. I'm his first girlfriend so before me he was always with them. And he used to also act like them. They are all immature, rude, obnoxious, annoying, ect. I'm sure you get the idea. But after him and I began becoming more than friends, he started to mature. He stopped acting like them. Then after we began dating he started spending each and every day with me. We will hang out after school for about two hours, and then All day Saturday and on Sunday he eats dinner with my family. So needless to say, he has totally stopped acting like them. During this period he has been telling me how rude his friends always were to him and that they took advantage of him (he doesn't ever say no to anyone) and it makes me feel sad. We will be walking in the hallways and they will call him names and make fun of him right to his face in front of me. And he lets them. But today he hung out with them again after school and I'm not against him hanging out with friends it's just I wish he had better ones. He was already starting to act like them today. Also he said he is going to start hanging out with them at least 1 time a week. I love him and I'm trying to protect him without hurting him. What should I do? I don't think we can date if he's going to do this. Help! (link)
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Guys pretty much all go through a period of rather obnoxious and anti-social behaviour in their early to mid-teens. And it's most pronounced when they're in the company of their mates. The degree is variable. It's a bit of a 'rites of passage' thing. Take the word 'anti-social' apart. It's their spot of rebellion against society. I'm not surprised at the ability to 'turn it on and off like a tap' either. It's a bit of a show of force, a facade that young males will feel the urge to 'put on' when they feel it's needed. And the pressure is on amongst his mates for him to do the same (strictly speaking it's know as 'peer group pressure' and there is a strong urge to conform to the social group. Not to 'be different'). The fact is that he can be charming and polite and mature with you, he can 'do' grown-up social functions like dining in company. Bluntly? He's bellowing and raving a bit among his mates to "show he's a man". The vast majority DO NOT become socially dysfunctional anarchists hating polite society. They take their place WITHIN society. And when he's older he'll think young lads are silly and immature and obnoxious too. Long as he treats YOU like a lady, maybe turn a bit of a 'blind-eye' and give him time, I should say. Just reading through dragonflymagics response...yep...you girls DO mature quicker. That's why it's common for a fifteen y.o, girl to fancy an 18 y.o guy...while girls of 18 will rarely see much to 'fancy' in a guy of 15. Best wishes.x
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Okay , i'm 18 years old and i'm experiencing a strange thing when i go to sleep.When i'm almost asleep , suddenly i hear this loud vibration right in my ears and when i hear it , my heart beats so fast ! ,my heart rate increases.I also get paralyzed and my eyes are shut down by force , i get scared though , its as if something is dragging me and paralyzing me ,however; i can fight back and unparalyze myself by trying,so hard, to move a muscle.i don't know what it is actually , i never tried letting go of myself and see what happens , i always break this up by moving or opening my eyes ,which are closing by force.
Thank you:) (link)
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I believe it's the usual sequence of your body 'falling asleep' getting slightly out of synchronisation. Normally we lose our consciousness and awareness, then the part of our brain which controls our physical functions (movement etc) shuts down and our heart rate then lowers. And we're fully asleep. If the normal order gets a bit mixed it causes really freaky feelings and sensations. If we're still conscious when the heart-rate steps down we often 'wake up with a start' (like a jolt, a shock) just as we're beginning to fall asleep. Sometimes feeling like we're falling down a hole? And then our heart begins to 'race' and beat fast. If the part that controls the muscles (our so-called 'motor functions') shuts down while we're still conscious we get a scary and desperate feeling of paralysis. And we try to 'force' our limbs to move, finding it very difficult, even impossible for a second or two. Then it 'breaks' as you describe. Similar paralysis and panic feelings can occur when we wake up (in this case we regain our conscious awareness while the motor function controlling area of the brain is still asleep). There's no medical condition I know of that causes it, and it's not a sign of anything failing physically and it does not in itself predict or lead to any psychiatric condition I know of. Things tend to 'right themselves' and we fall asleep 'in the right order' again. It might pop up at random periods all your life. If you're worried speak to a doctor. (I did, it happened to me when I was 20-ish. I'm not the paranoid or hypochondriac type at all...but it really spooked me. Don't laugh...I thought when it happened "Oh shit...this must be what dying feels like...I'm dying!" Needless to say it wasn't...and I didn't!!
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can anyone gt pregnant if fucked frm back? frm ass? (link)
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No. If you mean you had anal sex (males penis in the girls ass only). This cannot ever make someone pregnant.
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I'm Catholic but I really can't stand the bible, it tries to destroy every last religion other than it's own, I have abilities like psychic and have done spells, and never regretted anything I've done (except a weather spell, never making that mistake again) yet the bible hates them, also they tell you to wear your hair a certain way, and dress a certain way, and not to have sex or masturbate. Also they dislike homosexuals and bis (bisexuals) but there's nothing bad about them!!!!!!!!!!!!! So your telling me that if a homosexual helps the poor and Unfourtanate her entire life, educated child Muslims and other religions with a bad background, being blamed of everything (via the bible, I mean when something bad happens, the Muslims are always blamed), worked for no money at hospitals and homeless shelters, Fed, and housed animals and children, saved them from abuse, they would still go to hell just because they are homosexual. The bible can't dictate everybody's life and stop happiness! If the bible was written different, the world would be a better place. The writers did a horrible job of teaching about God. (link)
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No religious belief system is known to be exactly tolerant of the other (many, and vaied) belief systems. They are at base, what we call 'mutually exclusive' by nature. Members of one may take the line that those who believe any of the others (or who believe nothing at all) are simply wrong, they are misguided and haven't received 'the truth' (ie haven't subscribed to THEIR belief) yet. They may simply ignore the 'others', or some religions are strongly evangelical and work very hard to convert and enlighten the others. In more extreme cases they may indeed 'hate' all the others...they are evil. On the basis that anyone who isn't with you is against you, and anyone who isn't part of the solution must in fact be part of the problem. It's rather rare to find a member of ANY particular religion who feels that another may have a point, may be right. Since that would make your OWN belief system partly, or even enitrely WRONG. I feel that tolerance of differences in cultural belief and sexual orientation etc is about the individual. And the acts which you describe in helping the sick and homeless, working to preserve the human rights and dignity of those who could easily become hopeless victims we can describe as HUMANITARIAN acts. They need involve no religious belief or doctrine whatsoever, and in many cases they don't. We CAN make the world a better place IF we choose to, regardless of belief system. Globally, within a community, or simply in a one-to-one scenario with another human being. And we can help make it worse IF we choose to. And remember that most relgions have their 'fundamentalists' or 'extremists'. They are usually NOT representative of the entire religion as a whole. Not all Christians are raving anti-homosexuals who think that gays are evil and should be struck down by god. Most of the Islamic world are not would-be suicide bombers plotting the destruction of Western society. The 'extremists' are just that, a small percentage who take their religious doctrine 'to the extremes'. In terms of the 'friction' between belief-systems, remember that most had their foundation long ago. There would not be anti-muslim feelings in the UK. There was not a muslim presence/community in the UK. They lived in the middle-east and 'never the twain would meet' as they say. The Crusades involved the Christian UK steaming out to 'convert' (forcibly, it must be said!) the muslims in the middle east. But Islam and Christianity were already long-established religions even then. My point being it's hard to draw a line between Nationalistic and Religious conviction. The two are often strongly linked. Now the world is the proverbial 'much smaller place' and we are more likely to witness first hand the clashes, become more aware of the differences, even feel threatened by the differences. Hopefully, it's an opportunity for us to appreciate the differences and find common ground too. But sadly it doesn't always work like that!
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I was in a car, my mother driving me to a baseball game, and we drove pass a black cat. It seemed to be about to cross my path, but when we crossed it, and it looked at me almost supprised, with these green eyes, DIRECTLY at me. I'm emphatic, and meditate never really practiced magic maybe 3 or 4 times, what doe this mean? Will I get good luck or bad luck? (link)
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I find old supertitions fascinating. Black cats have had both good and bad luck associated with them. Black cats are often considered lucky, black cats 'crossing your path' usually an ill omen. Generally regarded as witches using the form of a cat to go about discretely, and called a 'fetch' in old English folklore (I'm English). If a black cat sits watching you for a while you're supposed to say "Witch depart, if fetch thou art. Too long hast sat, if thou art cat." And see if the cat gets up and leaves. In old folklore witches may also have a black cat which was called their 'familiar' and had more than the regular feline abilities and powers of a pet cat. I love old folklore, be a shame if there's ever a day nobody recalls it. Could tell you tales of ravens, magpies, weather, yew trees, holly trees, mistletoe, (most of our trees and wildflowers actually!) and loads more. No idea why it fascinates me. Hope ya cat's lucky, or at least not unlucky! X
ps. The bad luck of the cat crossing your path would only thwart your projects for the rest of that day, no longer. And you could offset the bad omen by crossing your fingers and spitting when it crosses you. So you know what to do next time!
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I started dating a girl in December, I'm not going to say all the normal love stuff, because, this was a normal relationship, we believed we were perfect for eachother, we loved eachother, ect. Her parents liked me, I went to church and all with them, they were Catholic I'm Baptist.
Well, she would always say how she's always hungry, she doesn't eat as much (later finding out they sometimes don't give her food for like a day or two), her parents call her names like slut, whore, bitch, just cause their mad or so, or they'd slap her, like, they slap her all the time when they don't get their way basically. Sometimes they whip them (her and her sister) with a belt I believe, but it never leaves bruises so she thinks it's "not illegal" because of that, but it burns and hurts her like hell. One time she said "my mother whipped me with a belt 15 times because I drew on the blinds"
Anyways on with the story, everything was normal, until the day before valentines day, her mom grounded her because we were 30 minutes late from the lake which was half a mile away. February 17th or 18th I forget, she got in a argument with her mom, as always the slapping, name calling, she was unhappy. We ran away in the middle of the night together, she said she was going to run away even if I didn't.
So, I protected her, we ran away, we were gone for 18 hours. When we came back, we went into the house and talked to the parents, well, the parents are HIGHLY manipulative and all so remember this later. The mother said how she doesn't even want my girlfriend there, if it wasn't for the dad she wouldn't be there, and responsibility this responsibility that, basically saying their all gonna die if she doesn't do things right, her mother is literally mentally unstable or something... The cop came obviously, the dad said I was a good kid he liked me and all, and we hugged when I left. Everything was normal.
The next day I went there, the mom was mad obviously, we hanged out for 2 or 3 weeks in a normal way. Then I had to goto another state for 3 weeks, I told them I was leaving, and I really was, but I had problems and went to the state over instead with my family for 5 days. Well, we snuck out when I got back because we knew we wouldn't be able to see eachother until the weekend, we always wanted to see eachother. This wasn't the first time we snuck out, and we've been caught 3 times before by her parents. They forgave us though each time.
This time, I lied to the mom sadly saying I was in Missouri. Acted like I was worried the next day ect, the sister had told the mom the truth I guess. The mother 2 days later (March 7th) filed a Protection Order, for no legit reason. Ill say the statements later. The P.O. was served to me March 9th
The dad, is like loyal to the wife because their catholic and all, not to bash the religion in any way. But he just is. I know he would never do this, he didn't file anything. Anyways I went to the house to reconcile with him and he just kept saying go, go, go bla bla no reason then just started saying I was too old. He knew I wasnt, he liked me, he was just doing this for the wife. Cops ended up coming I still refused to leave because I wanted to reconcile, then they tresspassed me.
Anyways, March 17th, I went to walmart, they were all there, the dad walked like "Hey (my name), I see you got a job!" What? "You're wearing your uniform!" Oh yeah "Well, bye!" he was all happy and everything.
After seeing me 3 more times he left with my gf to the car.
March 20th came, the P.O. court date, the statements on it were "Ran away, sneaking out to the lake several times, reporting bullying and saying everything will be okay" I reported her being bullied from people.. And they think thats bad? Hah. Well, the mom anyways. We told the judge about how their using me as a disclipinary tool, how they call her names and mental abuse, how I always just helped her. Not really detailing it but that's short for it, Judge said "Everything was in good intentions for her nothing was done wrong, all he did was help her." and set the P.O. for 3 months.
We got letters on March 24th and March 27th saying how they hurt her she doesn't wanna be there that they say their the "dictators" of the family and they slap her, call her bitch and slut, and that her Aunt threatened to kill me and has a plan and a gun in her car. And will do anything for her mom she doesn't care cause she loves her mom.
Sad.
April 3rd we violated it, she was being starved I heard so I was going to take her to McDonalds, cops caught us within 5 minutes because I "ran a stop sign", well I was on a slope. It was dark, so yeah.
April 9th, the mother chased me, followed me, I ran from her to my friends house and a cop started grabbing me for no reason when he came to investigate so I pushed him and got charged for assault and battery and a violation, went to jail for 6 days. I really did nothing wrong, this cop just started grabbing me then shoving me into the police car because I yelled my mothers number at my friend because he wouldnt let me call her, I KNEW the cops wouldn't call her thats why I tried. Cop wasnt listening to me say they were chasing me before all this, he detained me as soon as he saw me in my truck he said get out and I did then I was like am i being detained he was like yes. He cant do that without any further cause...
So yeah I was arrested. Went to jail for 6 days and now I'm under 24/7 supervision for awhile, we believe their going to give me probation in another state...
Well, we have around 3 open DHS cases on her, then 2 more from other people we believe. But DHS hasn't visited her since ending of March, its May now. And their all open cases.
Now here's where things get interesting, this just happened, and is why I'm looking for help.
2 days ago she showed up to my house, freezing, wet, covered in grass. It was a 4 mile walk to out here, through the lake woods and all. I was so sad I let her in, got her my sweats and got her warm, held her, she explained what happened how they hurt her and she doesn't wanna be there, she showed me a bruise which is the size of a french fry, my friend and her said it was bigger, it's 4 days old, still blood red.
Her mother ended up showing up, we called the cops, but she was saying she doesn't wanna be there they hurt her they hit her they call her names and just wanted help... A Sheriff came in, I was in the other room then because the PO, my mother was with them, my Gf had said all I've said how they hurt her and call her names she doesnt wanna be with them shes scared and unhappy and some stories on how they hurt before.
So sheriff took her to the police car and then talked to us then talked to her parents. There was another sheriff here then, they pulled out a letter. They talked for like 30 minutes. Now before we continue, this family is highly manipulative, believable, looks normal but when you leave their house their evil and hitting her. They've lie to the POLICE (not sheriff) to think were Sex Traffickers, idk if they believe it just because "were from Arizona" and my mother said it was okay if my Gf wanted to live with us, when she ran away, if it was okay with the parents. So because of that they lie about some stuff.
My gf said to the sheriff how when the police come her parents make them goto the room and their never really questioned or get to talk that the police and her parents just get along... So now theres gonna be more DHS and police involved I guess.
Anyways, sheriff sent her back with the mom, said theres going to be in-house DHS counciling, police, and all. It's devestating because my GF absoloutely doesnt want to be with them, they seriously hurt her. They wont let her go with her real mom the sheriff said "THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE" in a loud voice, because the mother lied to them we think.
The letter the mother showed them was a letter, in short, saying "I'm running away to see (my name)" which ruined everything I think. Because cops said she didn't run away because they hurt her, which is WHY she did run away, she told me, but yes, she came to me to tell me first, she wanted help they do hurt her.
What can we do?!
I've made about a 6 page letter to the dad since theres no Protection Order from him...
Were not doing this just so we can see eachother, that's part of the reason, but they really hurt her she wants out.
I have just turned 17 and she has just turned 15, at the end of April and beginning of May.
When she came here she said her mother had said "Now I see why (cousins name) mother let her boyfriend move in." (link)
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This is a complex and disturbing story of what appears to certainly be an abusive relationship. It also involves someone who is a minor (though she may not act like or even consider herself a 'child' that is the case). I'm not surprised you don't quite know how to handle it. I'd imagine at least 50 percent or more of women twice your age and with twice the life experience would struggle to cope. The relevant (in your country, I'm from the UK but I'm assuming there's some equivalence) authorities and the police seem fully aware. And I assume there is a good sized file on the family. There's generally I believe, good attempts made at first to keep a family (even one as dysfunctional as this one appears to be)'together' as it were and to address the issues via education, liaison, counselling. Authorities are reluctant to dive in and take a child into care until other attempts at reonciliation have failed. It's a sound policy, but there can be tragic failiures. In that they may be waiting for 'something bad to happen' before they act, in effect. And the event is sometimes very bad indeed. I think from the tone of your letter that this is what YOU are fearing? That not enough is being done, and it won't be done until it's 'too late'. Unfortunately you cannot say to someone of 15 "Come and live with me". Even though this appears to be an ideal solution in this case, mostly it would NOT be a good idea and would leave the opportunity for many girls and guys under 18 to be horribly exploited and abused. I'm sure you can easily work out how sick-minded adults might abuse this scenario? Undoubtedly there is the situation dreaded by all social-workers here. "Child at risk". Can you satisfy yourself in some way that they are monitoring the situation? Is there someone you can contact and express your concerns to and arrange a meeting? Possibly you could detail specific events when she appeared emotionally very distressed, and/or physically abused...give dates? Get your observations, and concerns 'on the record' and get confirmation that you have submitted them. Not confirmed by an anonymous 'office' or 'department'...get the name of a PERSON. Somebody who will personally be accountable for it. Insisting on this is a good help...it means somebody is going to be held personally responsible if it's ignored and things go wrong. And they'll have a heap of explaining to do...possibly in court! In the UK there are telephone agencies which any child can ring and speak to someone if they are scared, believe themselves in danger, if their life-experiences just seem unusal or disturbing to them in any way. They operators are professional, trained and have far reaching powers they can call on pretty instantly if their 'alarm bells' go off at anything they hear. Is there an equivalent in the US? I feel sure there must be. Get her to call. Get something on the record, some 'paper trail' that might be helpful, even essentail. And of course, you'll want to be her 'go to' girl if or when things get to the point where she feels in danger. Maybe an arrangement that you or a friend gets on the scene as witness, or she comes to your/their house as soon as possible. Make a big noise and make a 'scene', report an emergency incident to the police...hammer on neighbours doors etc and worry about sorting it out later if you feel she's in danger. In short, you cannot handle this on your own, you have to hand it off to authorities, believe that they are following the official procedures and channels. But get involved in these processes as much as you can. When something dreadful does occur, there are inevitably cries of "We should have seen the signs" and "We should have acted sooner". and "She slipped through the safety net". And so on. Don't get too paranoid...but do everything you can to make sure your friend does NOT slip through the safety net. Best wishes. You're clearly worried. We can have a chat (via the inbox) if you like, anytime. CJB.
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