TanDancer's advice column

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Q: i want someone to love me. i want someone i can love back. someone i can take care of. someone to run around the city with and to talk with into the early hours of the morning.i want someone who will buy me shiny things and fix my computer. someone who can talk common sense into me when i freak out, and remembers small aniversaries. i want someone who loves me because of my imperfections, not in spite of them. someone who is secure of who he is and isnt afraid to stand up for what he belives. i have so much to give and no one sees me for what i could be to someone.

dear advicenators, is this a totally ridiculous wish?

I think that this is an amazing wish. Companionship is a natural desire, and you just want a great companion, and don't worry, you'll find that person! As a side note, though, don't force the issue, or you'll only be disappointed. Keep your mind open, and when you find that person, remember that you have to be these things to them as well. Someone with as much love to give as you is bound to find someone wonderful!

Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: why do people try and break you and your man up when they know yall are happy?

Some people can't stand others being happy. They are jealous, unhappy people that think by making you miserable, they can make themselves happy. Take confidence in the strength of your relationship, and stand firm against those who wish you unhappiness.

Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: ok...everytime im with my boyfriend all i can think about is ripping off all of his clothes and having sex with him. i know its wrong and i want to wait until im married and everything but i want it sooo bad!!! i know im a terrible person, and ive done everything BUT go all the way. ive been in a lot of situations where i ALMOST did it but im so afraid of getting pregnant so we stop. one of these days i know im just going to crack and give it up to him but idk if im ready to, my mind is saying that i am but my hearts telling me to wait. what do i do?!?!

Haha, been there done that! It's great to have a man you're so hot for while at the same time so frustrating, isn't it. Definitely follow your heart! If there is ANY part of you holding back, listen! You are much more likely to regret not waiting than regret waiting!

I think that waiting until marriage is very admirable, but I am also practical in realizing that not everyone is going to wait. I generally suggest to my friends to at least wait until they are with someone that they feel sure that they will be with forever. Great sex feels good, but it also includes an amazing emotional connection to the one you are with, so I think that the fewer sexual partners a person has, the better.

Pregnancy is a GREAT reason to wait. My friends in I are in an unofficial "No Babies Club" lol! So when you do go for it, make sure you have been on birth control for a week or two (take them at the same time every day), and always use a condom, and if you are really worried, you can get a diaphragm as well. Talk to your gynecologist about it, they are great resources. And don't worry, there is very little that surprises them, and I have never met one that is judgmental--they are worried about keeping you safe, not judging your actions.

As far as trying to wait, avoid situations in which you guys are alone where it is easy to go too far. Go on group dates, or hang out in the living room of one of your houses with parents there.

Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: Is a 21-year-old girl too young to be dating a 35-year-old?

The age gap is a bit of a shock factor, but when it comes down to it, if the two are in similar situations, and agree to make it work, I don't see why not.

My 22 year old friend married a 40 year old, and they are happy and successful. On the other hand, my 21 year old friend dated a 37 year old with kids, and they did nothing but fight until he eventually dumped her.

So really, it depends on the people, especially the maturity of the younger.

Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: do all girls masturbate and some just dont admit it? or do many really not do it?

I think a lot of girls do, but it's not really a subject that is up for discussion a whole lot. I'm sure not all girls do, but I remember at one point thinking that a lot more than I thought did, although I honestly can't remember why. Something I read on the internet maybe. Remember, females are sexual creatures just as much as males are, but generally in a different way.

Hope that helped!

~TD

Q: How many of you would cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/fiancee/fiance if you knew they would never find out?

I adore my boyfriend, we've been dating for almost two year and I am head over heels in love. But, he doesn't completely...satisfy me if yall know what I mean. And he is aware of this at times. I have a chance do be satisfied by a guy I've know for a long time and does not really have any connections to my friends, or my bfs friends so there just about no chance of him finding out. I can't hurt my boyfriend, and I don't want to cheat on him but I need to be satisfied atleast once... I would just like some input on what yall would do. Thanks

I would not cheat, especially for a reason that seems, well, kind of superfluous. I don't know all of the details, but surely there is some solution to your boudoir problems? Some new position or game or toy? I suggest working on the sexual relationship you have instead of branching out. Cheating is demeaning to everyone involved, and I have never come across a situation where it was a good idea. Think about it--say you get "satisfied" by this other guy. Won't that make you that much more disappointed in your man? You'll have to cheat as long as you're with the guy to be happy in the bedroom--but still not happy with the man you actually love--and that is just not a fair or sound long term solution. Good luck and much love.

~TD

Q: My question is Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 5 months and we rele love each other but when she finally told her ma her mom banned us from talking an we still alked bt very secretly. in the last month but all we ever did waz argue in that month now shes tired of it. and thinks i dont care. What do i have to do to prove that i still love her an that r flame for each other hasnt gone away???

I'm so sorry; that's tough. I would like to know if the majority of the arguments are about anything in particular. The best gesture would allay her fears that are causing the arguments. However, since I don't know that, I think that the first step is to talk to her. A good, long, deep conversation is the best way to show you care--and remember to listen carefully to her, and try to understand how she is feeling. Everyone is different of course, but if that had been me in her situation, I would feel guilty that it was MY mother that had banned us from seeing each other. Whatever the cause of the arguments, try to figure it out and address it. If you are with each other when you are talking, small affectionate (non-sexual) gestures may be comforting, such as brushing her hair back, holding her hand, or a gentle hug. I also think that itdependsonyou's suggestion of some jewelry is good, but I would make sure that it is meaningful, but not flashy, so that she doesn't get in trouble with her mother. One suggestion that I have is a pendant with a birthstone or a ring to put on a chain to wear as a necklace. It might go a long way in reminding her how much you love her, even when you are not there to tell her so. Good luck and much love.

~TD

Q: OK, so there is this really anoying girl. Shes really stupid to, Im not saying that im like a genuis or anything but she is older than me and stupider. She says stuff like "They dont use dimonds for jewlery anymore", "They only discoverd white tigers a few years ago", "They stoped doing carrage rides in New Orleans along time ago"(we live in baton rouge LA), "Global warming is going to kill us all in the next ten years", "You lived in new mexico? You must speak fluante spanish". Yes she said those all, those are not exampals. This time she said that people like Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, and Taylor Swift were rock n roll. I say that KISS, Ozzy Osboune, U2, The Who, AC/DC, The Rolling Stones, and people like that are rock not the pop princesses of today. How can I tell this girl that she is the dumbest person ever, that those singers are the popiest(is that a word) artist out there, that it has been a long while since they discoverd white tigers, if you walk into a jewrey store all you will see is dimonds, if you walk on the streets in New Orleans you will see about 35 carriges riding around, and that New Mexico is in the united states without being mean? I dont know if thats posible but anyhelp would be very much appreciated. Thanks!

Haha...I get it. I really can't stand stupid people either. You could be a big person and just ignore her. But you might feel better if you smiled and asked her where she got her information. You could also point out that she's wrong. However, I used to correct people's pronunciations of words all of the time until I figured out that people really hated it. Point being, no one likes a know-it-all, so I suggest not going over the top. Maybe you could pull her aside and let her know that sometimes she doesn't make sense. Just try to be tactful. Anyway, I'm not sure how helpful that was, but good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: OK...so me and this boy were talking about 7 months but we have only been together for about 2. Anyways it was love at first sight and we're crazy about each other, yesterday he actually got down on one knee and asked me to marry him...i love him and my answer is yes but i think we're too young for that.I'm 17 and hes 19 any advice is helpful.

First off, no one has said this yet... Congrats! I love love stories.

Now, I get to sound like a broken record. I don't think getting married at this point is a good idea. Young marriages (ie. under 21) are the hardest, and in the U.S. have the highest divorce rate. We love weddings; unfortunately, a lot of weddings these days lead to a lot of divorces--over 50%. That's not great odds, so when you get married you want to SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS. I say this all the time because I am passionate about it! Relationships are so hard; there's no need to make it harder.

You are so smart for questioning getting married this young. I am always shocked when I meet people younger than myself that are married. However, I understand what you are going through. My boyfriend and I started talking about marriage around 10 months together--I was 17, and I thought that it would be the greatest thing, that we loved each other and we could make it through anything. Now I am 20 and I am so glad that I am not married yet. Granted, I don't lead such a college-party-girl sort of lifestyle that I might have had I been single, but I have still grown and developed outside of my relationship with my boyfriend. I've gained a little perspective on life, and I have learned what I expect from myself and my boyfriend. I can't imagine being married at this point in my life. I can't wait to get married, but I'm also enthralled with this point in my life (finances excluded...), and, if you are wondering, we are planning on getting married after he gets out of law school; we'll be around 23 and 24. Still young, but we'll have been together about seven years, and hopefully we'll be ready by then, lol!

So, stay with this guy if you love him and believe in the relationship, but there is absolutely no shame in waiting to get married! Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: heyy

ive been kinda seeing this lad for a while , and we have had sex and everythin, but hes never kissed me , i try too kiss him but he pushed me away, everytym i see him i wanna ask him y but its embarissing, is a kiss a bit more than sex if ya get me ? does it mean hes not interested or sumthing

thanks

I also agree... I have actually never run into a situation quite like this. A kiss is a sign of affection, so it certainly sounds like he only is using you for sex. Hate to say it, but you may want to break it off with this guy, unless you are okay with being used. Good luck and much love.

~TD

Q: Me and this guy really liked each other and we had a great time going out and he stated many times that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He is nt that rich whereas I am a princess. Well on his birthday I finally tell him that I like him and I want him t be my man, but then he says "No". Coz he thinks I'm really rich and he's a nobody.And that he and I can never be together. He says its ok if we're "Just Friends" I tried to reason with him and convince him that its ok but he's just stuck on it and he just doesn't want me. He seems to be normal about it but I'm still in the hope that he will say yes. How can I tell him that its okay? And if you think its not going to work how do i move on?

To be honest, relationships between people from different economic backgrounds are very difficult. That being said, the heart doesn't care that much about money. From what you say, it seems like this guy really does like you, but maybe he's scared of disappointing you. Try explaining to him that money doesn't matter to you, and if you can, show him somehow. Could you go a month without shopping? Something that would make him understand that his not having money is not going to disappoint you. It sounds like you really like this guy, so I am rooting for you. At the same time, you have to take the guy's feelings into consideration. You may not be able to convince him that it is okay for you guys to date. If it doesn't work out, you'll have to accept that it just was not meant to be. Treasure the times that you two had together, but find someone that is more willing to work on a relationship with you. It may take some time to find another special guy, but unfortunately, time is the best healer.

Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: alright... i kinda think my boyfriend might be cheating on me... i've done the whole look at the phone thing and stuff like that, but he would probably delete everything anyways. i saw something on the computer before like a program that would make it so you could see all the texts and calls he makes and gets from your computer or something. does anyone know of anything like this and where i can find it? thanks :)

Like the other two advice columnists said, no one is going to encourage you to spy on your boyfriend. There is a reason for that! If you are suspicious enough to want to spy on him, you need to confront him. Your program sounds expensive and illegal, and will only break you guys up. If you confront him and are still concerned, or you would like to post more details, feel free to ask the question again, and we would all be happy to help you evaluate this guy. Good luck and much love!

~TD

Q: Ok so this guy asked me out a couple days ago. We don't go to the same school but we know each other and stuff. We go to the same church. So we are going out now. But I saw him today but he didn't say anything to me. Like yesterday we sat next to each other and talked and stuff because we just started going out, I don't move fast. Well is that weird or something? I'm really nervous around him too. The thing is that he didn't talk to me at all. He looked at me alot but maybe he was nervous or something? Oh I'm 14/f. I know this is a weird question but if a guy first asks you out shouldn't he talk to you more? He was kind of busy and had to leave early with his parents but idk I'm really confused. Sorry if this was a dumb question or whatever but please help. Thanks!

Keep in mind that guys can be shy and nervous too. The fact that he looked at you a lot meant he acknowledged your presence, which is a good thing (bad is completely ignoring you). It could be your nervousness is coming off as aloofness, making things that much harder for him. This is a two way street though; you should be making as much effort as he is, no matter who asked whom out.

Another thing to consider is his being with his parents. Could he be a little embarrassed? Not of you, but of being in a relationship, if this is new to him? I remember being very shy about boys around my parents, and I think that's normal.

You might let him know that you are confused why he didn't talk to you. It sounds like you both need confidence in the relationship, but may I point out that you are only 14, and I'm assuming he is about the same age. Dating at this point is all about learning HOW to be in a relationship. Don't concentrate on being in love and making it last forever. If that happens, fine, but more important is figuring out what you expect from a relationship and learning how to relate to your boyfriend. So it is perfectly fine for you to be nervous and shy for a while. Just be yourself, girl, and your guy will come around.

Much love and good luck!

~TD

Q: What do you think is the oldest a 16 year old could/should date?

No details, other than it would be legal. I just want to gain opinions on this.

It all depends on the situation and the people. Maturity is much more important than age. That being said, the best relationships are commonly between people in the same stage of their life, so a high schooler should date a high schooler, a college kid should date a college kid, and so on. This is not true in every case of course; I have a 22 year old friend in college that married her 40 year old family friend who already had a successful business, and they have been highly successful so far. However, I believe her family values and background helped her out in her situation.

As far as high school dating, it is important to keep in mind who is doing what after college. Most high school romances end when one of the pair goes to college. I am with my high school sweet heart that I have dated since I was 16, but I think a big factor in our success was that we went to the same college at the same time. The more time that a couple spends apart, the more they will change without each other, usually leading to a break up. For example, I've seen a lot of relationships where the guy goes off to college during the girl's senior year. The two were close in age, but college changes the guy's life, but when he comes back, the girl's life is just the same. She is surprised with a whole different person as a boyfriend. I'm not saying these all fail, but can you see where these two are not set up for success? Love is hard enough without making it harder.

So, to answer your question simply, I believe that a 16 year old should date a 16 or 17 year old for the most part. I also realize that most high school relationships end, so if you are not in this for the long haul, then this was all moot, haha.

Hope that helped!

~TD

Q: THIS IS CONFUSING, PLEASE BEAR WITH ME...
Heres the situation: my best friend went out with a guy. he cheated on her. they broke up. he asked me out. i immediately called my best friend and we're perfectly fine. i said yes.
Heres the problem: one day he wants to get back with my friend, and he likes my other friend..and the next day he hates her guts. but, he's still fine with me, and kisses me goodbye..but we are not as cuddly as we could be, and haven't made out, which my other friend says is odd that he hasn't mentioned it. AND my best friend is pretty flirtatious with boys. So, I was wondering what I am doing to make myself so jelous and not as close to him as I know I can be. Please help me adress the situation. Thanks!
ps. i don't care that he likes other people, because everyone does. and i do not want to break up with him at all.

I agree with TheLaura. You could do so much better than this. I would never, never date a guy that had cheated on someone else, let alone my best friend! Not everyone wants to date other people while they are with someone. You are not "making" yourself jealous. It sounds like your being jealous are warning bells! If you guys haven't made out and your friends know he moves quickly, could he be cheating on you? You know this guy and I do not, but it sounds like a possibility here. I would not trust this guy at all. And I think that it is important for you not to get too close to this guy. I know you do not want to break up with him, but please guard your heart--this situation is a broken heart waiting to happen. Much love and good luck.

~TD

Q: this might end up being kinda long... anyway, my boyfriend and i have been going out for about 4 months and about a week ago i saw a picture with him and this girl on facebook and someone left a comment saying something about her making her move or something anyway... the other day him and i were hanging out at this place he usually goes with with his friends and he was calling some of them to see if they could come hang out with us, and he called the girl from the picture, if something was going on between them would he have wanted her to come hang out with both of us? or would he want to hide her more or whatever so i wouldn't get suspicious about anything? anyway, if anyone has any advice let me know.. thanks :)

It's natural to be a bit jealous; after all, this is your man. However, it sounds like you should trust the guy. Talk to him about it if you are worried, but he's done nothing wrong that you know of. I certainly think that you should not trust the girl--I do tend to be the jealous type and personally would make it clear that the girl is to steer clear, but that may not be your style, haha. Most guys, I believe, would try to hide that they hang out with the "other woman" at all, so I don't think you have much to worry about at this point. Good luck!

~TD

Q: Well...I'm having one of those moments where you don't know whether it's better to follow your heart or what makes sense.

Like you might've guessed already. It's about a guy. Now, he's no normal guy that I've liked; the most special guy I'd say; soul mate, if you will. Even he thought that I was his for some time.

Yeah, we did go out for 3 months, but then after some nasty arguments we broke up with him saying that it's better to just be friends. I still like him, a lot. I mean...I've been through a lot for him and I don't want to give up. It was all out of my own free will too. He's...not exactly the nicest guy from the start. Don't get the wrong idea though, he could also be extremely caring and I'm not being bias.

Now he's liking another girl, probably not as much as he did to me, but he says he doubts he'll like me again, or that we'll be back together.

Could it be possible that he wants to hurt me so much that I wouldn't bear to be with him anymore and we'll both finally be free? Or does he just think that I'm obsessed and annoying?

During this whole thing I've been insisting on my wish to be with him forever, but with him doubting things like that...I'm just not sure anymore. Will it be a fairy tale ending? Or am I just another crazy girl in love?

So what do you guys think? Give up on him completely and go find some other guys? Give in to all his wishes and just wait? Or give it all I've got and think up some plan to win him back?

I don't think that this guy is worth your time. If he says that he does not think he'll like you again, that is a clear sign that it is time for you to move on. It's hard when you still love him, but think about the consequences of getting back together with him. You may forgive him, but could you really ever trust him? If he says that you're his soul mate, then dumps you, how honest is he? He sounds selfish and immature, and you know you deserve someone so much better!

~TD

Q: For about 4 or 5 years I've liked my best guy friend. We were on and off liek that entire time but he goes to a jewish camp every summer, so we'd always just date other people. And don't get me wrong, during those 4-5 years, I had other boyfriends, not many, but I did. But i always, always liked him. I really think I loved him. But i don't even know if i did, and then, at the end of summer he was in LBI and asked me out. he even wanted me to come down for a few days with his family, i thought it was so sweet :] but my mom wouldn't let me. [btw, our families are friends ..] so we had made it offcial and he was my first kiss. it was always him that i wanted my first kiss to be with. :] he plays guitar and he played our song ... rhcp:i could die for you. but then when school started we never saw eachother and it got awkward, liek i didnt know if i was supposed to hold his hand or not, or if he wanted me too, and hes really smart, and really tall, so when we hugged it was awkard .. but there was this camp girl and she told him [while we were going out] that she wanted to hook up with him. i got mad at him for not denying her. and then things got more awkward and eventually he said we should just be friends and that its better off that way. and he told 2 of my friends that we're not going to get back together and that we're just friends. but the only way i agreed to go out with him is that if he promised we would stay best friends and not be awkward. he broke that promise. and now we havent talked for 3 motnhs and hes so bitter. he said something really mean to my best friend the other day and idk it made me cry. i think i still liek him. but he doesnt liek me. i want him back. but i know thats never gonna happen. please just dont tell me to forget about him. i need help. idk what to do. I can't get him out of my head. someone help me !! any feedback on what i said??

btw: im a 16/f sophomore ... hes a 15/m sophomore. [sorry if that was long] :[

This guy sounds like a jerk, but I understand that you never forget your first love, and your situation is so much harder since he was your best friend. Guys mature slowly, and this guy is just way less mature than you are. He doesn't even come close to deserving you--keep that in mind! It sounds like it will take you quite a while to get over him, but I do not think that you should get back with this guy. I would never tell you to forget him, but I do think that you should move on however you can. Hang in there, girl; I know you can do it.

~TD

Q: hi

i'm a freshman in highschool(15) and my girlfriend is a sophmore. yesterday she came over and was pretty horny so we decided to have unprotected sex for the first time.
When we were done fooling around, she told me to go in just once and i did for a few seconds and pulled out because i felt a liquid come out of my penis, i saw some clear stuff. I searched on another site and apparantly its "precum". well i noticed it, whiped away and we fooled around like handjobs and fingering..i went in again later and the same thing happened so we stopped. Is she pregnant?
Thanks a bunch.

There is a small chance that she could be pregnant. Wait it out... only time will tell, but like I said the chances are low. But next time, use a condom! It's worth the peace of mind. Would you really want to be a parent at 15??

Q: Okk.
Well i like this dudee. (lets call him blahh..haha)
well i like bahh. But he has a girlfriendd...he knows i like himm but like he talks to me 24/7! Like he texts me out of nowhere..and on myspacee talks to me all the timee.
And idkk if he likes me backk and i dont wanna ask blahh..soo help?

Honestly, he should be considered off limits as long as he has a girlfriend. He may talk to you because he considers you a friend, but even if he does like you, and he cheats on his girlfriend with you or even dumps his girlfriend for you, what kind of person does that make you?

My advice, forget about him, and let his current relationship run its course, and if they break up, then and only then should you attempt a relationship with him.

bio

I'm back after a hiatus! I have graduated college (yay!) and am working with Thoroughbred racehorses in Kentucky.

I enjoy giving advice to teens because now that I am older, I have a proper perspective of high school, but I am close enough in age that I don't think I'll come off as some idiot with adult problems that has no idea how teenage life works. Generally I answer love life questions, since that is where many self-image problems surface-not to mention it's highly confusing! If you are wondering about my own love life... well, I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years. We are getting married once he finishes law school, and yes! We are high school sweethearts!

I also love giving advice to dog owners. I have grown up with dogs and currently have two mutt-butts of my own :) I have worked for several different veterinary clinics, including a vet school, I have taken tons of classes, as well as doing personal research.

I try to be understanding of everyone's problems...I also try to see things from the asker's point of view, but often I do not have enough information so I do the best I can!

BTW if you want to ask me a question, please keep in mind: I LIKE--decent spelling and grammer, proper punctuation, and real words; I HATE--using "like" improperly, lack of punctuation, and gross misspellings. I am happy to read and answer any question, but these are just polite things to do for any columnist!