Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 33826
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Ok, so I am I definitely pregnant, been checked at doctor, and I'm 13. My parents and I are trying to consider what would be best and right now we are considering an abortion. Just wondering, what's it like? Is it emotional? Sad? Painful? Thanks for any help
Xxx (link)
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Hi there. Sure we chatted earlier, and I hoped it was a false alarm. Appears not. There are a quite a few people even in our modern and enlightened society who hold the belief that abortion is 'always wrong'. They are entitled to their views but do not take it to heart. There are no such simple general cases as this thinking assumes. Each is unique and must be treated so. With thought and consideration of all the facts and circumstances. At the end of the day abortion is a safe, routine and common enough medical procedure which allows us to prevent the development and birth of a child when we may not wish it, or not be properly equipped to handle it right now. No more than that. It would be such a massive ask to expect you to have to handle the demands of raising a child at thirteen/fourteen, sweetheart. Massive and unfair. And of course what you have is still far from a child. Merely a fertilised egg. A glimmer. A few cells. The potential for a life but only if you choose it. If this is the path you go down you are not to feel any guilt or sadness. Or regret. Perhaps simply view it as a perfectly sound way to literally re-write a mistake, and try to quickly put it behind you get on with your life. I feel sure that one day a word from the doctor confirming you are pregnant will be great news and make you so happy. And you will be a great mum. But maybe that day is just not here yet? Best wishes whatever you and your family decide together my darling. CJB XX
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Ok. I'm 13 and have thought of suicide before but that was before I found God. I want to help other kids that have felt the way I used to everyday. I am going on a week long mission trip in the nearest town but still people all over the world try/commit/think about suicide. It's hard to love God (which is the only thing that keeps me sane) in my house bc my mom isnt a believer and my brothers are too young to know Him and my older sister only pretends to love The Lord. No one but one person knows that I wanted to die. It hurts me to know that people dont know God and want to end their lives. I want to help the world but I live in a small town with a pop of 600 people and it makes me feel powerless. Sorry for it being so long and if anyone has any ideas please tell me. I want so badly to help. (link)
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When you are a little older you could approach some of the voluntary organisations which provide telephone services which people can call when they feel that ending their life is the only option. Volunteers are welcome but you will have to be trained and coached in procedures. Those who call may have been pondering suicide for some time and their call may well be made in their darkest hour, so it is not a task to be taken lightly. You will definitely be making a difference and a mistake, even one which you make with the best of intentions, may be costly. And you need to be ready for virtually anything you might hear. Not easily shocked, or disturbed. Ready to hear total despair and perhaps hostility. You will be dealing with people at the very limit of what they can tolerate. You cannot judge them, cannot either condemn or pardon the person, or the events which may have led them to this dark place. Perhaps you might consider a professional career in the psychiatric field? It will require making academic choices, right about at the age you are now. Do not think that it is 'not a proper job'. It is. And well paid too, which it should be to reflect the effort you put in to gaining the professional qualifications. The desire to help is a great motive, just as doctors and surgeons are normally motivated by a desire to help the physical body and prolong and improve the quality of lives. Keep in mind that not all people you deal with will share your faith, or even have any religious conviction whatsoever in many cases. Best to consider the field as worldly and secular rather than religious at all in fact. Right up at the sharp end of humanity in all its diversity. It might be a career path worth looking into? We are more likely to find satisfaction and success in a job we have an interest in and care about. Best wishes.
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The discussion is real but is the feeling? I have always had the nagging feeling that my boyfriend isn't ready for the level of commitment we have. For two years he has reassured me that our son and I are what he wants but his words sometimes lead me to believe that he feels restricted and uneasy with our relationship. We just recently had a conversation in which he brought up the fact that he is unsure if where he is in life with us is where he really wants to be. It seems to me as if he needs some time to explore what it is that he really wants. He seems to think that his feeling of being trapped and forced into being a father and partner is simply part of being immature and he'll just get used to it. Opinions anyone?? It hurts me to hear him say he's not sure if he wants us. (link)
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Hi there. I just wrote a reply to someone on a similar line. The gist is that if somebody knows exactly what they want ther is little anybody can do to deflect them from their chosen path. But few decisions and options in life are this clearly defined and absolute. More often we THINK we know what we want, or sometimes openly confess to not really knowing WHAT we are looking for. It is perhaps a little devious but when people are in this frame of mind we can do a lot with them. You know what YOU want and the best way to make him do it is to convince him that it is what HE wants. I would say that by lightly writing off his commitment doubts as 'being immature', he is betraying some desire to BE immature (which equals free-agent, able to do as he pleases...all the things we associate with youth basically). The somewhat grudging acknowledgement that he will 'get used to it' will indeed hurt. You want to be wanted, not tolerated...and quite right too. And stating that he will adjust to it I think you should take as him signalling that he does not think he really wants to get used to it. NOT AS IT STANDS NOW. And this is where you can influence things. DO NOT play into it. Meaning do not even hint at taking the line, 'Yes...you will probably get used it. It might be OK at times, you never know'. Bad strategy! Now think about what you have learned about him over two years. What do you think constitutes being trapped and forced into a corner for him? What scares him and makes him doubt his decisions? And now, what parts of being with you and your son map onto his fears and doubts? These aspects of the relationship you need to either play down or work out a real way around. Real solutions are better. If there is a way to realise his ambitions and lay his fears WITHIN the framework of the relationship, find it and discuss it. Any that are so mutually exclusive that they CANNOT co-exist you somehow need to convince him are likely to disappoint him anyway. They are not the promised-land. And you need to do it in such a way that he thinks that it is his own thought and idea that they are not. Do not ridicule or attack them, but subtly lay the seeds of doubt in his own mind, as it were. OK. What parts of the family relationship have delighted him and fired his enthusiasm? Big them up, and big-time! Point out that there will be so much more to come. Recount how much fun the fun things were. When we look back at great times it generates a mood of optimism and ambition for the future (it is a strange and virtually 100 percent predictable human response but the effect is not long-lasting. So keep falling back on it when you sense him having doubts about the future). I could run on and on, boring you even more no doubt. Let's try and sum it up. Pour out positives. Work out ways to turn his potential negatives INTO positives. Try to undermine his perceived negatives subtly and from within. If you are savvy enough you can take someone who does not really know what they want and make them want what YOU WANT THEM TO WANT. And make them think that not only is it a good idea, but that it was THEIR OWN idea as well! Once they believe it was their own darling idea, they will push it through with enthusiasm. Ultimately he (like all of us) will do what he pleases and pursue what he wants. Or what he THINKS he wants. And this is where you come in. Think like brilliant marketing executives. ' I don't really know waht I want' is like a blank sheet of paper. You can write anything you want on it. Good luck. X
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i am 17 years old n im dating this guy from the past 8 months. i have had sex with him many times ,it was alright and going well before 1 month but from the past 1 month he keeps ignoring me n when i ask him why he gives pointless reasons he says that hes busy because of college work ,we don't speak for days sometimes .is it because he has lost interest in me or something i love him a lot and don't want to loose him please give some advice what should i do to get him back the same way he was before. (link)
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Sometimes young (and indeed not so young!) guys get terribly cold feet and nervous when a relationship seems to be getting settled and going well. They may see it as representing the beginning of the rest of their lives and the end of future possibilities and options. Freedom, in other words. One guy might welcome it, mr married guy is what he wants and sees for himself, alway has. Another may reject it. Not for me! I want to try new things, not be tied down or settled. Another guy might have one foot in each camp as it were. Likes the idea one minute, then not likes the idea another, changing his view constantly and ends up rather confused. Now, your guy seems to me to be the third option. He would be more likely to end the relationship or perhaps push your limits by behaving in a way not really expected of a boyfriend at all if he was determined to stay single. If he was all for the committed relationship it he would be constantly at your side and showing it in other ways too. He seems to be putting off acting one way or another, finding excuses and generally delaying things. So I would have a good bet on him being confused and not at all sure. Communication is the key. Your problem is to not back him into a corner and demand an immediate yes or no. You have to put forward the good bits of a steady relationship but not scare him off. He might jump one way or the other, so in effect try not to make him jump straight away. It is a difficult line to tread. You need to be affectionate but not clingy. Talk about future plans, but not ask him to start making a list of who to invite to the wedding! Encourage him about his college work and take an interest, but do not start talking about it as just the path to a nicely paid career. Tell him you like an interesting intellegent and educated boyfriend becasue they are more fun to be around...NOT because he'll get a better salary and you can get a bigger mortgage!! Get the idea? When you do talk, focus on Now, Fun, Happy and Care-free. As it was before? NO pressure. NO ultimatums...yet. At the end of the day he (like all of us) will pretty much do as he pleases and wants. Or what he THINKS he wants!! And you can influence what he thinks he wants. I am old and cynical...and devious. But I have always found that it is amazing what you can get people to do for you if you can convince them that it was their own idea. It is not always easy to do that, but if you can they will push the whole thing right along nicely for you. So get a bit cunning and savvy? Worth a try!! X
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Okay so i figured out my sexuality but i dont think there’s a name for it
For girls, same as always, sexually and romantically attracted always
But with guys, never sexually attracted, but only romantically attracted if i share a close bond with them (like demiromantic but only with guys)
Does anybody know what this could possibly be?
(14f btw) (link)
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Interesting start. I would have to ask you some stuff before I even dared suggest anything. Firstly do you find the thought of sexual relations with guys a bit scary and intimidating? Or does the thought of being intimate with a guy repel you (in essence, do you feel really horrified at even the idea of a guy being that intimate with you)? How does this statement strike you? "I want to express and enjoy my sexuality and girls seem a much safer option than guys right now." Agree or disagree, strongly or slightly?? By 'never sexually attracted' to guys are we talking about guys your own age (potential boyfriends) or all guys? Do the guys you bond with appeal to you more or less if they appear to show interest in YOU 'as a woman' (as we might say)? Do hints, comments or signs of a clearly sexual attraction from them towards you tend to draw you closer to them and reinforce the bond, or do/would the same comments weaken the bond and make you a little less relaxed around them and less fond of them? Would an overtly sexual 'come on' destroy the bond completely and make you 'run a mile' as they say? Or would you find it flattering? (NOT suggesting you would jump on top of him on the spot, but would you feel flattered and pleased that he had tried it!) You might try answering these questions to yourself, if you do not fancy the idea of answering them to anyone else. It might help. I am sure you can see where we might be going with this line. I can identify and bond with a guy (I am male) and enjoy his company. But any undertones (let alone clear and explicit signals!) of him having any sort of sexual interest in me would be a complete game-changer and I would be horrified. Which defines MY sexual orientation and draws the line between engagement and physical attratction. Might be getting a bit deep. Are you with me? In short, you first need to identify YOUR line before trying to define your own orientation. Or more accurately, letting it define itself. Have a think, or a chat if you like? X
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Hi guys so I'm 18 years old and in a few days my bf will be 21. We've been dating for 2 and a half years but our first year was a little rough. But I would like to go out to a club and dance with my friends along with my older brother. My boyfriend is totally against it. He says only single girls have business being at a club. But when he turns 21 he plans on going out without me. I understand his point of not wanting me to get grabbed and such on the dance floor buy I know I can handle it. And if for some reason I couldn't my brother and girlfriends will be there. Im sick of doing the same thing of nothing, every night with my boyfriend and sometimes we need our space. Could someone please tell me I'm completely wrong for wanting to go out and dance? My boyfriend doesn't even dance! He's not much fun when it comes to these kinds of things. Please someone give me advice if I'm wrong or not for wanting a girls night out plus my brother. Thank you! (link)
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Even if your boyfriend was a hot dancer, liked the same clubs and music and you had many friends in common you would most probably want this freedom too. It is quite natural, and a solid relationship should not preclude all your other activities. We are rarely content to focus entirely on one other person and find they fulfil all our needs for social interraction. That would indeed be boring! On his side, well...he will naturally feel protective and have an idea that you will be prey to (or even encourage?) single guys. It really comes down to matter of trust. And the fact that if you are happy and content in your relationship the other guys will presnt no threat to him or temptation to you. If of course, you are NOT content in your relationship then his days are numbered. Any guy, anywhere (not just at a nightclub) might well catch your attention. Or you may simply end the relationship with no other guy at all on the horizon, but just because he is not the one for you. So while his attitude is not at all unusual and probably makes good sense to him, it is actually futile, either way. And if he insists on forcing you against your will to give up something you want to do it will create a lot of resentment in you. And I am sure you can see that in this case although short-term he wins (you give up the clubbing with your mates to please him) he will ultimately lose (you will get bored, resentful and frustrated and dump him!). In fact my reply is a bit of a de-construction and analysis of your much shorter prhase '...we need our space.' Despite being three years younger I believe your are perhaps more emotionally and intellectually mature than he is? Hope I might have shed some light. X
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I'm an 11 year old female
Even though it takes me an hour to go to sleep without a light source, and outside at night I'll start getting sick (she's witnessed this), and once I tried to talk to her, and said it was nyctophobia, she only laughed and said it's not a phobia. She also tries to fix it on her own. The problem is, she thinks she could fix it, but she isn't trained to do it,I know I need a psychologist or something like that, but she refuses to admit it. She is all like,“common, (my name), you never had this before!" When really,I did. I remember I had several night lights. What should I do? (link)
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Hi there. You seem pretty clued-in already. Yes it is a form of phobia. And the nature of a phobia is that nobody can simply talk and reason you out of them with a 'don't be so silly...there is nothing to be scared of' type approach. A phobia lives locked away in the subconscious part of our mind which even we ourselves cannot speak to directly and does not really respond to reason and argument. Which is where psycho-analysis often has a much stronger, but less direct 'key' (if you like) to unlock it. But before you insist on psychiatric help, mum has a great deal of wise words here. It is a common fear, and in most cases it does resolve itself in a reasonably short time. The reason being that you will tend to sleep during the hours of darkness, day after day, over and over again. You can't avoid it. Your school, later your job and so on...are all open by day. We sleep at night. And the sheer weight of repetition, each time you awake and find the subconscious fears have not manifested themselves in anything real or harmful...you weaken the phobia. It has less hold on you. Then before you really know it, the fear is not there anymore. Matter of fact humans are all less sure of themselves and less confident in the dark. It is entirely natural. We first lit fires and now have our towns and cities brightly lit all night with electric lights. We nearly all feel the back of our necks prickle if we find ourselves in that 'dark alley' at night where the streetlights are not working. I know I do mate!! So top marks for identifying the issue in yourself, and for having a better idea about subcoscious anxieties that many much older people have. But just be a little patient with this particular phobia. It has every chance of sorting itself out. No shrink required!! XX
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I'm 13 and I had sex a week ago and now I'm pregnant. I used condoms but I don't know what happened. I was due my period the day after but it still hasn't come and I have had many other symptoms. I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was just wondering whether u should have the baby or have an abortion but what happens in an abortion, what do they do?
Any help will be appreciated. Thanks for reading! Xx (link)
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Hi there. Adviceman49's right on all counts of course. It may easily be a false alarm. In terms of abortion, if it comes to that, nobody really needs to know the biological details. Properly carried out my medical professionals it will involve no physical trauma or pain to you and will not impact on your ability to have many fine and healthy babies later in life if and when you choose to. Emotionally it is a different matter and abortion (which is terminating the life of the unborn and still really undeveloped baby) vrtually always raises feelings and issues which the woman has to face and come to terms with. Giving birth to a child and then taking on responsibilty for its life would almost certainly be a disaster at your age. You would be entirely justified in freely agreeing to one and must feel no guilt or remorse. Nobody would think less of you or judge you unkindly. Hope that is a help. You have hardly begun to live your own life yet, let alone being guardian of another. I sincerely hope you do not have to face the choice. The timescale is rather too short to be at all conclusive or convincing yet, assuming as already mentioned that this was the first encounter with your boyfriend which could have led to pregnancy. In the more likely case that it is a false alarm, then if you insist of having sex with your boyfriend please make sure you understand all there is to know about using condoms. They are highly effective if used correctly but mistakes in use can render them much less efefctive or even completely ineffective. If (as is quite possible) it turns out to be a scare rather than a pregnancy, why not get in touch with one of us here and get all the info and possible problems when using a condom? And discuss it with your boyfriend. Nobody will refuse you the info you should have because of your age, I am sure. Promise you I would not anyway. You want advice, not judgement. Best wishes. Hope things turn out for the best, meaning you are NOT expecting! X
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I feel overwait and I have a doctors appointment next week
And want to be healthy what should I do (link)
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You wll find any number of diet plans and the like on he net, in magazines etc. Doctors will only really get involved in special diets if you are waht they consider clinically obese and it isn't doing your health any favours. They will not really be all that concerned if you feel a little plump and fancy being in a slightly better shape. Now all these diet plans and weight-watching schemes are very nice and each may have its own fans and folk who swear by it. But in effect what they really come down to is that you eat a bit less and move about a bit more. Simple as that. A rugby player will take in masses of calories, and he will also burn masses of calories training and playing. It is about the balance between how much energy you take in and how much you use. The excess calories have nothing to do but turn to fat, broadly speaking. What we call junk foods contain lots of fats and sugar, healthier foods contain much less as a rule. You can eat more of them. Sweets and fizzy drinks (major offender!) are very nice, but cutting them down or out will have an immediate effect on your shape. And junky foods will tend to make you feel a bit sluggish. Exercise does not have to involve expensive gym or health club membership and complicated regimes worked out for you. Jogging is free, and lovely in the summer and spring months. We all tend to get a bit plumper in the winter, so don't worry about it. If there is a particular part of your body you want to tone (upper arms and shoulders, tummy, legs etc) then you will have to use a specific exercise. Rowing machines are very popular, they manage to improve arms and shoulders, thighs and tummy. All the important bits for a female, and guys too (a matter of degree...a guy might want a 'six-pack' of a tummy and exercise more vigorously, a girl might not want rippling muscles, just a trim and tight waist...shapely thighs, not bulging with muscles, and so on). To recap, it is all about that balance of energy in versus energy out. It is essential (but normally the opposite way round) to wild hunting animals for instance. If the energy they use hunting and catching their prey is repeatedly more than the nutritional value they get from eating it they will soon starve. But it might be worth remembering, all work-out without taking energy in will make you skinny and less healthy. Good luck. You do not have to go to 'my body is a temple' type extremes, but there is really no downside for a girl or guy staying fit and in good shape.
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So long story short, right now I'm engaged to somebody and though we love each other very much things have been rough lately. We live together in our own place and balance all of our own bills, ect. We both work full time and he works longer and more hours than I do.
This often leaves me with a lot of alone time and every Saturday to myself which makes me very lonely. We often disagree over little things and a lot of the time I feel like even though we're best friends that he's not mature enough for me to want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. He still does so many childish things like playing hours of video games, not wanting to shower every night, leaving his clothes all over the place, dishes left out, ect. We make okay money but most of the time we end up with just enough to cover the bills and maybe a little bit on the side. I'm sick of always freaking out over bills though and being scared of every little thing I buy extra. I've always wanted to try my hand at a more luxurious life with an older man and I figured having a Sugar Daddy is a good option.
I've been talking to my fiance about having a Sugar Daddy on the side and after a few days consideration he told me if I can keep the two separate and promise not to cheat on him that he's okay with it.
Not really knowing what to expect I signed up for a site and paid a month's subscription. I poured my heart out in the bio and put up a few photos. I got lots of responses as I'm a fairly attractive and intelligent woman. After filtering out all of the men that were obviously just looking for an escort or somebody to have sex with I settled on speaking to three men, but I'm only seriously considering one of them. Annually he makes 250,000-500,000 a year which seems absolutely amazing and he comes off like a really sweet genuine guy. We also seem to have a lot in common and he's coming up for our first "date" on Saturday. We're going out for dinner at a little posh place that I've always wanted to go to but never had the money for (and none of my family could ever afford even for a birthday gift). Afterwards I figure we'll walk around the square and talk.
The thing is with this guy is it seems like he might want a real relationship not something that is strictly SD/SB.
I mean I'm okay with that right now because I'm definitely not going to have sex with him anytime soon and who knows maybe we'll get along really well and things will blossom?
How can I balance the two though if I start having feelings for my SD and wanting a life with him instead of with my current fiance? I love my fiance so very much but sometimes it's really hard to see things working out. We're very close but like I said before I almost see us more as best friends than a potential husband and wife...
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The thing that is shouting out to me from this post is not so much a desire to sample some high-life with a financially sorted older guy. It is more the sentiments and description of your boyfriend and his (frankly...childish) reaction to the suggestion. I do not think he is mature enough to marry you, or anyone else right now. Bear in mind that a man can earn 500K pa, and be sweet and genuine. And be emotionally (if not financially or socially) hurt by your actions. Genuinely. And precisley what does the guy stand to get out of the deal if you DO NOT form a relationship and feelings arise between you? On that salary a guy looking for no strings liaisons could hire an awful lot of 'fairly attractive' (to put it mildly!) escorts, and probably would. Like the ones you have discounted, who possibly wanted escorts without the fee. I should think this one through, bearing in mind humans are overwhelmingly driven by something called Reward-Based Behavioural Patterns. You have outlined your expected returns. What are his going to be?
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do straght men like there ass lcked,or can he be gay (link)
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It is a form of stimulation I am aware of and not unique or uncommon. As mentioned, it does not in itself imply or denote sexual orientation. Obviously, if a guy likes another guy doing it but would not like a girl to do it I should say THAT was a pretty good indication that he was gay. If he is horrified at the thought of a guy doing it but likes girls doing then I would guess he is straight. Stating the obvious a bit here, maybe?
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how do i address him about this? do i ignore it and pretend it never happened? what was he thinking about me laying my head in his lap that turned him on? (link)
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Hi there. Laying your head in your boyfriend's lap will be arousing for him and will give him an erection. Us guys, particulalry in our young days, do become sexually aroused (aka get a boner) much more rapidly than you ladies get wet and tingly etc!Just kissing and cuddling with a girl we like is more than enough to do it as well. It is 100 percent natural and largely unavoidable, even if he wanted to avoid it. I would not specifically question him about and ask why, or draw attention to it at all. The whole arousal (for both of you) and erection thing will take its natural course within your relationship, as and when you feel ready. Bear in mind that him getting an erection does not represent his need or right to have sex with you. That should happen only when you feel ready. And take the proper precautions re. birth control if or when you do feel ready. X
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15/f and I have a few questions about having pubic hair. I don't have wax available to me so I do shave it but that area gets really irritated and forms bumps of red and is really rough unlike the skin on my legs or underarms when they are shaved. Also, in which direction is it better to shave the pubic region? Sorry this is awkward (link)
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Get a good quality shaving lotion, one marked for sensitive skin or the like. Might contain aloe, or a similar ingredient. They normally feel cool (like mint feels cool in your mouth) if they have a good soothing ingredient. Use a brand new disposable razor, or a fresh blade head in a re-useable razor each time. Blunt blades really drag. Think 'razor sharp' literally! Always try to shave in the direction of growth and rinse off the foam regularly as you go along. You might have to go against the growth in little spots, but keep it to a minimum, and go extra gently. Bit at a time. Basically, if it feels nice when you are doing it, it is not irritating and giving you a rash. If it feels hot and uncomfortable and dragging at your skin it probably will leave a rash of bumps. When you have finished rinse off with clean warm (not too hot) water and dab yourself dry rather than rubbing and scrubbing away with the towel to dry off. The area will tend to be a little pink and sensitive if you have only recently started shaving. It will become more accustomed to being bare in a shortish while. If I had all the hair shaved off my head my scalp would look a bit pink and bumpy for a while! But keep up the techniques we have talked about, it is easy to set up an annoying rash of pink dots and feel itchy however long you have been shaving. You should have a bang on-trend smooth look worthy of a model in Vogue or Cosmo if you do all this, without waxing or even visiting a salon. Waxing DOES keep you smooth for longer, if and when you want to try it, but it is not the only way to be silky smooth and comfortable. OK? X
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I am so confused. I dont know what to do anymore. I am depressed all the time. To the point where all I want to do is cry and at times it takes all I have not to. I feel so alone. I have been married for 8 years but we never talk and lately he and I have been sleeping in separate rooms. We dont even argue we just dont talk. I know I am not happy anymore and I havent been for a long time. But we have children together and this is the only serious relationship I have ever had. To top it all he is controlling so I have never had a job and I dont know if I can support myself or my kids without him. I dont want to be miserable forever but I am terrified of life without him. I dont know how to survive without him. And I have absolutly no friends not a single one because my high school friends and I have drifted apart and I am not allowed out to have any. And I have no family I grew up in foster homes. So without him I am completely alone. I have no one to turn to. No one to stay with til I get on my feet. Am I being selfish by wanting a life of my own. What do I do? Where do I go from here? (link)
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Hi there. I believe you have fallen victim to a very controlling relationship. It is no coincidence that it has virtually destroyed your self-cofidence and self-esteem and now left you in severe doubt that you will be able to cope without this man. That will have been the aim of the controlling personality trait right from the start. The fact that you find yourself without outside friends and close confidentes is likely no chance either and probably has his hand in it? It is a textbook 'divide and conquer' strategy of the control-freak, intended to isolate you and breed total dependence on himself. Sadly, guys with this charater fault can seem reassuring and comforting to be around at the start of a relationship. They appear to have life on the proverbial piece of string, everything in hand. Sure, there are subtle ways to tell a potential control-freak from a sound (confident and assertive) guy, but we are all experts with the benefit of hindsight. And we are not born with this knowledge or ability to identify the signs. It is important to remember that it is not a sign of weakness that you feel this way, it was engineered and implemented by him. It sounds as if the relationship is past reconcilliation or simply facing a 'rough patch'. The only hope might be to attend counselling sessions together. You would both have to be willing to go and try to implement the guidance you are given. I imagine it will be almost impossible to secure this sort of committment from him or even get him to attend a single session? It is not usually the behaviour of the controlling personality. Your own childhood will quite probably have given you a deep dread of breaking up the family unit. And he will probably be aware of this and quick to use it as leverage. Keep in mind that children living with a single parent are generally better equpiied for life than those who have lived in a dysfunctional relationship. The idea of 'staying together for the sake of the kids' is a very unselfish and even noble idea, but tends to be unworkable and extremely destructive to all involved when one tries to actually do it. Kids are neither blind, unfeeling or fools. The wording and use of certain word combinations show very strong signs of a deep mindset in your note. Mindset, not physical barriers. I think the first thing you have to do is to start to take back your independence of thought, then of actions. Maybe start in little ways, and celebrate each small victory. We need to rebuild your self-esteem and ability for independent thought. To condition and program (as it were) yourself for the probability of life without him. Many have faced the same situation and overcome it. You probably think they were stronger and more capable people than you? Wrong. And they felt the self same thing. It's the cumulative effect of being constantly undermined, belittled and brainwashed by a controlling partner. You are stronger than you think right now. Much stronger. You have identified the need for change. He has not mentally bullied it out of you entirely. Naturally, if (more likely 'when') you decide to go it alone practical and logistical problems will arise. You will meet them and handle them as and when they do. Step-by-step. Day-by-day. Try not to pile them up in front of you until they appear as a massive wall, impossible to overcome. Do not predict problems, handle them as and when they arise. By far the hardest wall to overcome is the mental one, the belief that he has imprinted on you that you cannot survive without him. You can, and you will. Accept friendly help when it arises. Start by trying to contact the friends you have let slip away. He is not the centre of the universe, or even YOUR universe. Be very careful about over-reliance on new and re-made acquaintances. There will be a tendency to simply transfer dependence on him to dependence on somebody else. This is NOT what we are aiming to do. It is about self-reliance. It is about YOU. I know all this is easy to say, and far harder to do. You have got to go out and own it, not just talk the talk. There are positives hiding in your letter. You have said til I get on my feet...not if. And wanting a life of my own. That is not selfish. It is exactly what you need and should want. The fact that he is your only serious relationship to date has robbed you of a point of reference, or anything to compare his behaviour to. Yet you know it is wrong. Believe it or not guys like this are the exception rather than the rule. Most worthwhile guys admire a woman they can respect and trust and hold as equal, not someone to dominate and control. You WILL get there. It's probably as dark as it will ever look at the moment, and even an argument with him would be better than the emotional isolation, eh? You are going to do far better than that!! Just drop me a line if you want to chat or there is anything you want to ask me, tell me or just kick around. No worries. X
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Hi, I am a fifteen year old girl, and I have always been intrigued by paranormal. However, I am a Christian, though I don't go to church as much as I should, but I do read the bible, not because my family thinks I should, but because I want to. I want to be close to God, and I am afraid hunting for Paranormal will distance me from The Lord. I'll just give u a quick summary of what I plan to hunt. Well, first, I don't believe in ghosts, however, I do believe in other types of paranormal such as angels, demons, "aliens", I don't know if u consider Bigfoot paranormal, but I do believe he is real, and I do believe in mermaids. Needless to say, I am usually an open-minded girl, and I believe anything is possible. I just don't want to cross the line with God, I want to be close to him. Any suggestions? (link)
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Your two stated areas of interest do not relate to the paranormal in my opinion. I agree. Spook and demon hunters are delusory. Bigfoot? There's ceratinly a 'missing link' between the great apes and man. We're a little too different from our closest relative. Could some examples survive in the great forest? A smalll colony of Big Feet? Why not? Mermaids? We have more maps and information about the surface of the moon than we have about our own deep ocean areas. It's pitch dark, beyond the faintest glimmer of sunlight below a certain depth. It's massive. Submarines with spotlights illuminate just a few square metres and take pictures. Stuff living at that pressure could no more come up to us than we could survive down there. Nobody really knows WHAT might exist in the deep ocean mate! You're ok. Curious and open minded. Top human qualities that have made us what we are.
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Me and my boyfriend were fooling about 2 or 3 weeks ago and yes we had sex and instead of using a condom he pulled out quite a while before. He used a wipe and got rid of it but is it possible for there to be any sperm left anywhere on or in the penis, becuase after we were still pretty caught up in it all and went for round two. Im just worrying that there could of been some sperm left that we didn't know about.?
He told me that sperm dies once it hits oxygen but I have read otherwise and im just looking for some advice. (link)
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That's right. Sperm does not die when exposed to oxygen. But it cannot live in nothing at all. It will happily live on outside the body in a dollop of semen. Clearly you do not want to introduce this into your vagina. But it is not a bacteria or virus-like organism like colds and flu either. Wiping away the semen properly removes the semen. And I'll back-up that pulling out is NOT a reliable or safe means of contraception. It is about as safe as Russian roulette mate! For a start a guy can release quite a lot of pre-ejaculatory fluid (aka 'pre-cum') during sex. Which can contain sperm. Get some condoms. You'll both be more relaxed enjoy sex more if you are not thinking about getting it out in time. Be more fun keeping it in right up to the finale, don't you think?
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I am 25 years old and I am a female and I had oral sex for thefirst time ever I have ner fone anything sexual before nowb in my life and I am a virgin . I knowbyou proble dodon't get a lot of women who are old as I am who are virgins asking about stds on this site but iam terrified that I might have aids when I didn't even have intercourse. We were both naked and he ate me out and I sucked his dick and he gingered me could I get aids from letting this guy that I have known since I was 16 do this to me . I know this may make .e sound like a whore but we was only dating a week before he wanted to have sex and I said didn't want to have sex so we decided on oral sex . I am so scared because the other day I was in the shower and I noticed 3 little bumps inside my vagiana and I also have a boil that's kind of grey looking sorry if this is to grafic but I wanted to give you complete detail of what's going on with me so you could answer my question properly. I talked to my cousin about my situation and she said that I needed to go see a gbyon and get tested for aids and other stds . I am so scared. Please help . I made an appointment gor the 10th of my next month and iam absolutely terrified because I don't know what to they are going to do. How do they check for aids is it s blood test or do they actually have to check down there ? Will they tell anyone if I have aids . Please help me. Thank you so much. (link)
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Hi. If the hiv (the virus which goes on to become aids) enters your body it will not cause any rashes or swellings or anything else on or around your genitals. It may cause severe or mild flu like symptoms up to two weeks or so after exposure and infection. Or there may be no symptoms whatsoever. A blood test is the only way to detect the virus. Consider the test entirely reliable and beyond mistakes. The good news is that there are no documented cases of the virus being transmitted either way where oral sex was the only sexual activity which took place. There are reasons why this is so. Get back to me if you want details or search some serious and creditable hiv advice web sites. In practice you find sex-workers (escorts, call-girls) who have many sexual liaisons with partners of unknown sexual history will NEVER have penetrative intercourse without a condom but often offer 'oral without' either way. There is no cure for aids, it is fatal. But you can assume escorts do not want to die. There are other sexually transmitted infections which are readily passed by oral sex and are idetified visually by inspection. Chlamydia is another sign and symptomless one. Hiv/aids is the only one which cannot be cured. By all means arrange a test if it will put your mind completely at ease and I promise nobody will want to look below your waist, they just want some blood to test for hiv.
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15, female, USA, Christian
Okay, let me explain a little...
I have met gay people. I had a friend who was gay, I don't hate gay people and I don't like it when people are hateful to homosexuals.
But.
I don't agree with it. I'm not sure exactly why though...it just rub's me the wrong way.
I suppose it has something to do with the Bible(considering I am a Christian). But I know the Bible also says "Love your neighbor as yourself" and also not to judge others unless you are in a position to do so, such as being a judge or jury in court. So for that reason (among others like just being a decent person) I try not to judge them, and basically just have the mentality of 'let them take it up with God'.
Plus the fact that, a male and female can reproduce, yet two of the same sex can't. Species reproduction is nature, and homosexuality somewhat counters that. I understand adoption or not wanting to have kids, but in adoptions case they're still not reproducing, just raising a kid without a home.
But before you call me homophobic or something of the sort, please understand I do not hate homosexuals. I simply don't agree with their way of living (I guess you could say) for a multitude of reasons, most of which I'm unsure of.
And in the case of them being born that way, I do believe I heard somewhere that it has something to do with a hormonal imbalance that can be corrected with a shot or something, though I am unsure if that is factual.
Basically, I'm a little worried I will be judged throughout my life for not agreeing with homosexuality completely. Even though I'm not completely sure why.
Plus I just wanted to vent out my thoughts a bit. Though understand I am not trying to change anyone's opinions or beliefs. Believe what you will, I am simply stating what I believe, and I want to hear/read other peoples responses.
Any thoughts (or anything you want to correct me on) you have on this matter I would greatly appreciate reading. (Though do try to be polite)
(link)
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Hi there. Your feelings are not especially unusual or confined to those who have strong religious beliefs (which may not exactly 'approve' of homosexuality) either. I think the line you take of not being judgemental, not trying to change or condemn, or impose your feelings on them is a very healthy and well balanced attitude. In effect you are saying you do not subscribe to the idea yourself, and in fact freely admit it 'rubs you the wrong way' but you respect and even defend the right of those who do to live the life they choose. Of course, homosexuality is not a dangerous or seditious perversion. Homosexuals of either sex are no more or less likely to be rapists, molesters, paedophiles etc than any heterosexual person. They present no threat to individuals or society in any way. I feel you that you are showing a character that is liberal, Christian and truly humanitarian. In effect, you are saying "I may not agree with what you say or do but I defend your right as a human to say it or do it". Great attitude mate...you're doing fine. What we call a well-developed and mature character. You're feeling a little guilt, maybe? You perhaps feel it shouldn't 'rub you the wrong way' at all? That's YOUR human right, YOUR right to live as you choose, believe what you believe and have your own opinions and values. Of course, the greatest humanitarian cannot defend malicious, illegal and immoral, or subversive acts. That's anarchy, not liberalism! X
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There has been a lot of talk on who's gonna take over the world, most people think it's China or America. I'll just pretend America took over what will happen: the americen goverment takes over and everyone, even American citizens are treated like shit, or will it be like the Hunger Games (don't soil catching fire I'm reading it!) Where America is the capitol and everyone in America is rich as fuck, while other countries gotta give to them. I personally think America is going to take over, we've got the strongest military, already extremely wealthy, already has complete control over the Midwest. But the question is: when? (link)
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Hi. I think I know what you mean. The 'talk' I believe YOU are talking about does not refer to some sort of hostile military invasion or occupation. The talk is that global economic 'power' will tend to slip (slowly) away from the USA to an emerging 'new' country. China with it's unique mixture of a free market economy and communist ideolgy does indeed look 'the country most likely' to take up the role. As an example, an essential material in highly energy efficient electrical systems is all under the soil of China. The west want loads of it, China can control the market price...or even limit how much they are willing to sell. The country is 'industrialising' on a massive scale. Exporting by the shipload and not really needing to buy a lot in from the west. To sum it up, China's economy is strong and healthy showing more signs of growth than the USA (where things are in decline...not falling off the edge of a cliff...it's not a violent process). Historically nations have their economic 'day in the sun' where they undoubtedly hold the global trade and financial whip-hand. (Once it was the UK where I live. The British Empire was the world's major economic player, with a strong home economy and many overseas business interests. The Pound Sterling was 'boss'). The US Dollar has been the definitive currency of choice for quite a while now. It will, based on past evidence have to hand over the mantle, and we might have a strong bet it will be to China. Slowly, bit by bit. We are NOT taliking wars, invasions, nuclear strike capability, terrorism or riots in the streets. Just a change in who the world consider 'the banker'. You're not about to find the Red Army storming up the beaches and invading your home! OK?
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We are about to be seniors in high school and we started dating in october of our sophomore year. Since the beginning of our junior year, we havent had the chance to talk as much because of school but when we did have the chance, we never talked. I will text him but he wont text me for hours, or he will tell me that he will call me on skype (like he used to) but he never does. He will never cheat because he has been cheated on before and he does not want any girl to feel that pain. Could part of the reason be that he doesnt feel attracted to me anymore? He loves the idea of us being married after high school, but we never get to talk so im not sure if he really means it. I just need advice on how to get him to talk more like he used to or just move on and not make him feel pressured to talk to me anymore... (link)
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Hi there. There seems to be a contradiction here I can't quite get the hang of. He likes the idea of being married to you but you believe he no longer finds you attractive? Certainly lack of communication isn't helping. It never does. Guys are in general not such good communicators as girls. Especially when it comes to discussing feelings, which many guys never really manage to do. There are many reasons why this tends to be the case (which we do not need to go in to here) and of course there are exceptions (guys who are very in-touch with their feelings and discuss them more freely, like girls tend to do). So why is he suddenly cool towards you and reluctant to communicate? We will rule out cheating. Does he still love you? It is rather unfortunate, but sadly true that 'I Love You' is what we call a conditional statement and not absolute. Meaning a guy (or girl) may say it and mean it whole heartedly but it does not necessarily mean he or she will still feel the same a month, a year....whatever, in the future. Just like 'It is raining' has a conditional truth-value. It is true when it is raining, false when it is not and has no power to control or influence the weather either way. Hope you follow where I am going with this? If he has fallen 'out of love' with you it does not make him a rat, a cheat or a liar for saying he was...when he was. He may feel a little nervous about a relationship and reluctant to commit. Not talking is a way of putting things off for a while without explaining why and it is a contrivance I think we must all admit to having used from time to time. So, a practical approach? How about taking some of the pressure off him by putting it on yourself (in a manner of speaking)? How about enticing him to talk about it by throwing out the line that YOU are not sure how YOU feel about him at the moment? Say you THINK you still feel as strongly as you did, but you are not sure if it is what you want any more, or if your feelings have tailed-off. In short, mirror what YOU think HE might be thinking and present it as your own thoughts. He will either act positively to reassure you that HE wants the relationship to be very much alive and progressing (because he will see a possibility of losing you and act quickly to try and keep you). Or it will strike a chord of empathy and understanding. It IS exactly what HE is feeling but did not really know how to say. We are using this little play to drive the subject out into the open and thrash it out...to get an answer. And it almost certainly WILL get a result one way or another. It may lead to a more open communicative relationship and your fears were all groundless. Or it may expose the fact that this relationship has indeed run its course and has nowhere left to go. Or it may bring fears and issues to light that one or both of you are feeling which you can work to overcome...and get back to the previously happy state of affairs. OK, all I have really done here is to to define 'communication' in a very long manner. I hope I might have given you an idea of how to trick him (in a manner of speaking) into discussing the subject? Asking 'Do you still love me?' is indeed too direct and will put him under pressure. Throwing it in as 'I am not sure if I still love YOU' changes the whole dynamic and balance of power in the situation, in your favour. It is a more powerful psychological mechanism than you might imagine. Best of luck. X
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