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We never talk anymore
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We are about to be seniors in high school and we started dating in october of our sophomore year. Since the beginning of our junior year, we havent had the chance to talk as much because of school but when we did have the chance, we never talked. I will text him but he wont text me for hours, or he will tell me that he will call me on skype (like he used to) but he never does. He will never cheat because he has been cheated on before and he does not want any girl to feel that pain. Could part of the reason be that he doesnt feel attracted to me anymore? He loves the idea of us being married after high school, but we never get to talk so im not sure if he really means it. I just need advice on how to get him to talk more like he used to or just move on and not make him feel pressured to talk to me anymore...
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Hi there. There seems to be a contradiction here I can't quite get the hang of. He likes the idea of being married to you but you believe he no longer finds you attractive? Certainly lack of communication isn't helping. It never does. Guys are in general not such good communicators as girls. Especially when it comes to discussing feelings, which many guys never really manage to do. There are many reasons why this tends to be the case (which we do not need to go in to here) and of course there are exceptions (guys who are very in-touch with their feelings and discuss them more freely, like girls tend to do). So why is he suddenly cool towards you and reluctant to communicate? We will rule out cheating. Does he still love you? It is rather unfortunate, but sadly true that 'I Love You' is what we call a conditional statement and not absolute. Meaning a guy (or girl) may say it and mean it whole heartedly but it does not necessarily mean he or she will still feel the same a month, a year....whatever, in the future. Just like 'It is raining' has a conditional truth-value. It is true when it is raining, false when it is not and has no power to control or influence the weather either way. Hope you follow where I am going with this? If he has fallen 'out of love' with you it does not make him a rat, a cheat or a liar for saying he was...when he was. He may feel a little nervous about a relationship and reluctant to commit. Not talking is a way of putting things off for a while without explaining why and it is a contrivance I think we must all admit to having used from time to time. So, a practical approach? How about taking some of the pressure off him by putting it on yourself (in a manner of speaking)? How about enticing him to talk about it by throwing out the line that YOU are not sure how YOU feel about him at the moment? Say you THINK you still feel as strongly as you did, but you are not sure if it is what you want any more, or if your feelings have tailed-off. In short, mirror what YOU think HE might be thinking and present it as your own thoughts. He will either act positively to reassure you that HE wants the relationship to be very much alive and progressing (because he will see a possibility of losing you and act quickly to try and keep you). Or it will strike a chord of empathy and understanding. It IS exactly what HE is feeling but did not really know how to say. We are using this little play to drive the subject out into the open and thrash it out...to get an answer. And it almost certainly WILL get a result one way or another. It may lead to a more open communicative relationship and your fears were all groundless. Or it may expose the fact that this relationship has indeed run its course and has nowhere left to go. Or it may bring fears and issues to light that one or both of you are feeling which you can work to overcome...and get back to the previously happy state of affairs. OK, all I have really done here is to to define 'communication' in a very long manner. I hope I might have given you an idea of how to trick him (in a manner of speaking) into discussing the subject? Asking 'Do you still love me?' is indeed too direct and will put him under pressure. Throwing it in as 'I am not sure if I still love YOU' changes the whole dynamic and balance of power in the situation, in your favour. It is a more powerful psychological mechanism than you might imagine. Best of luck. X
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