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Sometimes I wonder if he's there
The discussion is real but is the feeling? I have always had the nagging feeling that my boyfriend isn't ready for the level of commitment we have. For two years he has reassured me that our son and I are what he wants but his words sometimes lead me to believe that he feels restricted and uneasy with our relationship. We just recently had a conversation in which he brought up the fact that he is unsure if where he is in life with us is where he really wants to be. It seems to me as if he needs some time to explore what it is that he really wants. He seems to think that his feeling of being trapped and forced into being a father and partner is simply part of being immature and he'll just get used to it. Opinions anyone?? It hurts me to hear him say he's not sure if he wants us.
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Whatever you do, for heavens sake don't try to force the issue or give him an ultimatum. Ask him what he needs from you in order to sort all this out. Don't try to put him on the spot or lay a guilt trip on him for not being happy with the direction his life has taken. It really may not have as much to do with you personally as the situation he finds himself in. Maybe he pictured himself doing something entirely different with his life. If he has regrets or still has unfulfilled dreams listen to him and let him vent. If your pregnancy wasn't planned then you have probably had a few of those feelings yourself!If there is any way that he could make the changes he needs to, like going back to school, let him know that you will support him in any way possible. I don't think he is saying that he isn't sure if he wants you and your son I think he is saying that he is not sure if he wants the life he is living right now. The best thing you can do is let him know he CAN talk to you, that you understand what he is going through and his feelings are safe with you. No accusations, no finger pointing, blame or guilt trips, just honesty. I think he will appreciate the fact that you probably have some of the same feelings he does from time to time. While I am sure you both love your child dearly, starting out this way is never easy! Best of luck to you both!
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It may be that he was raised to be responsible as a man and 'do the right thing' and so he just does it cus it was drilled into him. He may be one of those good guys who was willing to take responsibility for having a son with you. And in the beginning he may have believed there'd be no issues or problems doing so.
You says it's only been two years of being together. Sometimes it takes a while of two people being in relationship to realize that although there was enough attraction and in common to draw the two of you together to begin with, one or both can realize at a later point that there isn't enough attraction, desire, and in common to go long term. That is when a person begins to feel trapped and the way they talk or their demeanor may show it. It doesnt sound like he's the kind of person to just take off and desert you because of his commitment. But if things have changed for him at least, and this is very common in relationships and why there is so much divorce, its not just because two people fight, some truly care about the other person, unfortunately only at the friend level and not as anything more. Many had things in common in the beginning but as we grow older we change and sometimes those changes create too great a chasm of differences between two people and they agree to part as friends.
He is probably afraid to come out and truly spell out exactly what he is feeling. Your intuition is picking up on something, and if its not what I said, then its equally important that you know.
You could be right that he is not ready for this level of commitment, but there's also a chance that it is not level of commitment he is questioning in his mind but something deeper.
You could be right that he doesnt feel ready for the commitment level but it also may be something more along the lines of what I am guessing.
If I am closer to the real issue, then he most likely is the kind of man who will take his role as father and support of his son seriously if you both were to part ways. You have to realise that it isnt fair to either of you to stay together if the two of you or one of you no longer has the chemistry and desire and kind of love needed for a long term commitment. Staying together just because of child or children is not the smartest thing to do. My first marriage, I stayed cus of 3 kids, but there were other reasons for staying. However you do the kids a great disservice if they cant grow up seeing their parents deeply in love and able to witness that love between them. Two people playing the parts of mom and dad but having no real relationship between them even if still a peaceful relationship, its very obvious to children and they begin to think this is normal and when it comes time to find their life partner, they wont know that there is something better in relationships to go for and obtain.
have a good heart to heart talk with him. Let him know he can share anything and that you wont' go emotional on him. Then talk over what is best for both of you to do depending on what he reveals.
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Hi there. I just wrote a reply to someone on a similar line. The gist is that if somebody knows exactly what they want ther is little anybody can do to deflect them from their chosen path. But few decisions and options in life are this clearly defined and absolute. More often we THINK we know what we want, or sometimes openly confess to not really knowing WHAT we are looking for. It is perhaps a little devious but when people are in this frame of mind we can do a lot with them. You know what YOU want and the best way to make him do it is to convince him that it is what HE wants. I would say that by lightly writing off his commitment doubts as 'being immature', he is betraying some desire to BE immature (which equals free-agent, able to do as he pleases...all the things we associate with youth basically). The somewhat grudging acknowledgement that he will 'get used to it' will indeed hurt. You want to be wanted, not tolerated...and quite right too. And stating that he will adjust to it I think you should take as him signalling that he does not think he really wants to get used to it. NOT AS IT STANDS NOW. And this is where you can influence things. DO NOT play into it. Meaning do not even hint at taking the line, 'Yes...you will probably get used it. It might be OK at times, you never know'. Bad strategy! Now think about what you have learned about him over two years. What do you think constitutes being trapped and forced into a corner for him? What scares him and makes him doubt his decisions? And now, what parts of being with you and your son map onto his fears and doubts? These aspects of the relationship you need to either play down or work out a real way around. Real solutions are better. If there is a way to realise his ambitions and lay his fears WITHIN the framework of the relationship, find it and discuss it. Any that are so mutually exclusive that they CANNOT co-exist you somehow need to convince him are likely to disappoint him anyway. They are not the promised-land. And you need to do it in such a way that he thinks that it is his own thought and idea that they are not. Do not ridicule or attack them, but subtly lay the seeds of doubt in his own mind, as it were. OK. What parts of the family relationship have delighted him and fired his enthusiasm? Big them up, and big-time! Point out that there will be so much more to come. Recount how much fun the fun things were. When we look back at great times it generates a mood of optimism and ambition for the future (it is a strange and virtually 100 percent predictable human response but the effect is not long-lasting. So keep falling back on it when you sense him having doubts about the future). I could run on and on, boring you even more no doubt. Let's try and sum it up. Pour out positives. Work out ways to turn his potential negatives INTO positives. Try to undermine his perceived negatives subtly and from within. If you are savvy enough you can take someone who does not really know what they want and make them want what YOU WANT THEM TO WANT. And make them think that not only is it a good idea, but that it was THEIR OWN idea as well! Once they believe it was their own darling idea, they will push it through with enthusiasm. Ultimately he (like all of us) will do what he pleases and pursue what he wants. Or what he THINKS he wants. And this is where you come in. Think like brilliant marketing executives. ' I don't really know waht I want' is like a blank sheet of paper. You can write anything you want on it. Good luck. X
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