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I want to go out and my bf won't let me
Hi guys so I'm 18 years old and in a few days my bf will be 21. We've been dating for 2 and a half years but our first year was a little rough. But I would like to go out to a club and dance with my friends along with my older brother. My boyfriend is totally against it. He says only single girls have business being at a club. But when he turns 21 he plans on going out without me. I understand his point of not wanting me to get grabbed and such on the dance floor buy I know I can handle it. And if for some reason I couldn't my brother and girlfriends will be there. Im sick of doing the same thing of nothing, every night with my boyfriend and sometimes we need our space. Could someone please tell me I'm completely wrong for wanting to go out and dance? My boyfriend doesn't even dance! He's not much fun when it comes to these kinds of things. Please someone give me advice if I'm wrong or not for wanting a girls night out plus my brother. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm old enough to be your grandfather so I am going to offer some grandfatherly advice to you. Hopefully you will give this advice I offer some consideration.
First: You have every right to go out and do things on your own. You are not property and he does not own you. Even if you were married you would still have the right to go and do things on your own. If you allow your boyfriend to control you in this way you are going to be a very unhappy young lady. In fact from what you have written, "He's not much fun when it comes to these kinds of things," it sounds like you are not all that happy with the way things are right now.
Second: You write that you are 18 and have been dating him for 2 1/2 years. This would have made you 15 1/2 when you met him and him about the age you are now. This is a red flag to me as while at present your age difference is not a big deal, it was when you first met. Why could he not date someone his own age? Why did he run the risk of going to jail by dating an underage girl?
The answer is what I'm seeing in what you are writing about now. Because of your young age and immaturity, it doesn't matter how mature you were for your age you were immature to him, he was able to control you and has been able to maintain that control over you. Example, "My boyfriend is totally against it." "He says only single girls have business being at a club." "But when he turns 21 he plans on going out without me." What makes him the authority on what single girls can and cannot do? Why can he do as he please with or without your permission or approval?
Third and final Point: Your boyfriend is a controller. He looked for and found a girl almost 3 years younger than him to date. He risked going to jail as it is illegal in most states to date underage girls buy adults which he was. He did this because he needs to be in control and he could not control girls closer to his age. He needed someone who would be in love with the fact that an older guy found her attractive. Then would fall in love with him and do anything to keep him including allowing him to control her.
People who are controllers at young ages such as him only get worse. If you were to stay with and marry him you could find yourself kept at home with him telling you what to do when. How to do things, what to wear, what to cook and just about everything in your life; worse is that these controllers can become abusers as well if what they demand of their spouse is not done to their satisfaction.
I have spent a good part of my life as an emergency responder caring for these women. I also know many police officers because of being emergency responder. We see this all too often.
While it is possible I'm wrong about your boyfriend I don't think I am. I think he is your first real boyfriend and you feel for him because he was an older boy who was interested in you. My advice is to give serious thought to what I have written and to get out before you get hurt and while you are still strong enough to do so.
I know those last two sentences are not to your liking. That's okay I would rather have you mad at me for writing them or suggesting you leave him than have to read about you being a victim or have you in the back of my ambulance or my sons who is a paramedic.
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You are 18. You want to go out and have fun and that is perfectly normal and ok to do. Sit down with your boyfriend and let him know that you need some sort of independance. Let him know there is no reason to worry and that you will be faithful. Invite him along the first time so he can see how you are at the club. Maybe you both will have fun. It is important that you do stand up for yourself and not let him control you though. That will lead you to unhappiness in the future. He needs to be more mature and accept that you are your own person and it doesnt always have to be the two of you. And you also need to understand where he is coming from as well. He cares for you and doesnt want to lose you. The thought that you might find someone else may be on his mind. Reassure him that you are his and no one will take you from him. I hope you have fun good luck with the boyfriend :)
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Even if your boyfriend was a hot dancer, liked the same clubs and music and you had many friends in common you would most probably want this freedom too. It is quite natural, and a solid relationship should not preclude all your other activities. We are rarely content to focus entirely on one other person and find they fulfil all our needs for social interraction. That would indeed be boring! On his side, well...he will naturally feel protective and have an idea that you will be prey to (or even encourage?) single guys. It really comes down to matter of trust. And the fact that if you are happy and content in your relationship the other guys will presnt no threat to him or temptation to you. If of course, you are NOT content in your relationship then his days are numbered. Any guy, anywhere (not just at a nightclub) might well catch your attention. Or you may simply end the relationship with no other guy at all on the horizon, but just because he is not the one for you. So while his attitude is not at all unusual and probably makes good sense to him, it is actually futile, either way. And if he insists on forcing you against your will to give up something you want to do it will create a lot of resentment in you. And I am sure you can see that in this case although short-term he wins (you give up the clubbing with your mates to please him) he will ultimately lose (you will get bored, resentful and frustrated and dump him!). In fact my reply is a bit of a de-construction and analysis of your much shorter prhase '...we need our space.' Despite being three years younger I believe your are perhaps more emotionally and intellectually mature than he is? Hope I might have shed some light. X
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If there is no age limit for entering the club, then there should be no reason you can not go. It wouldn't be the wisest thing to go alone. Since you say you won't be alone, then go.
No one can tell you what to do where you must do it. We have have the right to make our own decisions. Some of us however give away the control of decisions regarding our self and our life to another person. Or another person presumes to attempt taking control of someones life with out it having been willingly given.
In this case, it's sounds to me like the boyfriend may be trying to decide for you by forbidding you to go, which is trying to control your life. If this is the only situation in which he makes decisions for you then it's not a big problem yet. If he does, and you don't want him deciding for you, call him out on that and tell him that he can make suggestions but under no circumstance will you tolerate him ever assuming to tell you what do to ever again. And if he does...dump him.
His statement that only single girls have business being at a club is merely His opinion. People around the world have all sorts of opinions. Just because they have these opinions doesnt make them true. His statement in any case doesnt hold any water. Why do I say that?
He considers you to not be single because you are dating him. If we go by his logic...then in reverse that means he also has no business going to the club cus he is not single...no matter what his age is. Do you see how unfair that is?. Its a case of "do as I say, not as I do".
I think your boyfriend may be seeing clubs as only a place to go and pick up someone, hook up, or at the very least, just flirt with some people.
Apparently he doesn't see clubs as a place to go with friends and enjoy yourself for the night.
More likely is that he has low self confidence and is afraid and thats where jealousy comes from. If he's so jealous at just the thought of you going there, then I'd have to say something is wrong.
Hopefully you aren't leaving out any pertinent information but in answer to the question, Is it wrong for wanting to go out and dance?
There's nothing wrong with going out dancing. I had an ex husband who didnt like to dance. If we went out to a place that would have dancing and went alone without others both male and female, then there was going to be little chance of me getting to dance unless I danced alone. If he doesn't like to dance, its not a big thing if he was okay with you accepting a dance offer if someone asked. I have done that, but didn't purposely go and ask guys to dance. But you already know its not going to be okay with him. So if he goes alone for his birthday and you go separately showing up with your friends and brother, there is going to be trouble, you know that. It might be a good thing, give you the opportunity to let him know if he starts trying to talk to you in controlling ways or grabbing you to take you out the door or do anything you don't like.
Personally, if I were you, I'd question why I am with someone who isn't any fun to be with.
The best relationships are ones where the male and female are best friends first and foremost...but what he's doing isn't treating you like a best friend. He is being selfish and controlling. Think on that and decide if you will stick with him or break up. If you break up, you can always tell him if he protests at your appearance at the club that he can't complain. According to his logic, you are now single and able to attend cus you broke up with him.
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