A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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why do people get charlie horses (link)
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http://lmgtfy.com/?q=what+causes+a+charlie+horse
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I am fifteen. Last summer, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had sex with an ex. It completely erased my mind, really, until in January. My parents found out. They were absolutely ashamed. I could understand why, because I have always been a good child. But then they started treating me like I was a slut. My mom bought me all these old tight shirts that didn't show my body or cleavage, and I went to counseling and the doctor. I was punished, confined in my house with no communication to the outside world.
Two months later. I have my phone back but I am not allowed back on Facebook yet. My parents and I are good, and I am repaired. The most hurt of all this is my stepdad. He didn't talk to me up until March. We have been friendly and like nothing ever happened, laughing and having fun, staying up late together and just spending so much time together. A week ago my mom said he was still upset over me having sex. He said I should apologize. Sure, it was a mistake but I don't think I should apologize...do you?
I want to have his forgiveness. I know there's a pang of hurt when we lock eyes. I don't regret anything, I just wish the situation turned out better. I feel so bad for not being what my parents wanted, but I know they weren't perfect, either, as teens. Should I apologize? And if so, how? I choke every time I want to speak and it can't seem to come out without any tears. (link)
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And another girl falls victim to sexual shaming.
Your parents should be shot, for the record, for teaching you that what you did was a shameful act you should apologize to them for.
I'm going to shoot a little wider than just your problem here.
I come from a very strict Catholic family. I am not the son my parents wanted. I have never wanted to be that imaginary person the rest of my family saw me as and wanted me to grow into.
There came a point when I realized my parents were poison. In general, because of their characters and choices, but specifically for me because they refused to let go of that image of who I was and still be able to believe in me as a person or their son.
I kept them entirely out of my sex life, but that didn't mean I didn't get to go through the shaming. The endless assertions of how close to the wrong path I treaded, the questioning of my ability to do anything in the world because their tiny perspectives on life couldn't encompass functioning any way but the way they functioned and being happy with your life.
If you apologize you are taking steps into the shoes of the person they want you to be. You will always have issues because the distance between where you are, where you want to be for yourself, and where you want to be for them will be an unbridgeable gulf.
If you assert yourself you get to find out if your family is capable of sucking their opinions up and loving you anyway, or not. If you don't regret something you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. I don't really see the difference there.
I'm not going to bother making judgments on whether what you did was a mistake. Doesn't really seem like it was to you.
If that is indeed the case, nothing your parents do or say will change your view of what it was to you. Apologizing means you're lying to them.
From experience, I can tell you that trying to be loved by parents you have to lie to so they don't know who you are, what you think, is about the most painful thing a person can willingly put themselves through.
If you don't wait until your 20s to actually put forth what you think and keep it out there, to force your parents to judge you on your real merits and not their idealistic views of who they want you to be, maybe you can actually salvage a relationship out of it afterwards.
You don't have to be rough or confrontational, but you do have to be firm. Their shame is unacceptable, as is their shaming of you. Don't just sit there and take it.
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Hi guys i am 15 years old, and i am talking to a guy who is 19. you have probably read questins about this before because i ask alot about this situation, but I told my mom about him today. She was cool (i think) about him having a child. probably because she had my olde brother at the age of 16 so she could relate. Now the problem is the age difference... my mother and i have been on very thin ice with me and my 'behaviors'. so she thinks i am going to be going down to crack and alcohol lane when im older.which i am not! i am not that idiotic. i know my limits and things. But how can I explain to her than i am not going to became an addict to anything, and how do i explain to her that 19 and 15 is not that bad. if my question maks any sense please answer it! (link)
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:Edit:
Responding to feedback.
You know what worries me? This line.
"i am hoping that if him and i are to date or anything i'll be able to pus him back on his feet which i know i am 15 and i shouldnt have to worry about that but it's just who i am...i have helped a numerous amount of people get on their feet when they fall"
I get this. Why do you think I'm on this website? I like fixing people.
I use this website. I fix my friends (much to their dismay) and I used to try my family. Don't do it in dating.
Your entire relationship is predicated on the idea that you can fix him. If he never gets fixed, you'll both be miserable. If you don't know what you're doing (you don't, you're 15) you'll probably end up enabling him rather than helping and make it worse.
You aren't going to listen to me. I realize that. Remember what I'm saying when this has gone south in a few years. Ask another question requesting female feedback on dating men they need to fix and how good of an idea it is. Remember what they say too. Dating people you intend to fix never turns out well. You might even fix them, but if you do the process will be so mutually painful that you'll kill the relationship in the process.
Really, that'll happen either way, but it'll hurt more when you see them whole and happy with someone else and think of the time you wasted.
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what advices can be given to people before they get married? (link)
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Pre marriage counseling.
The most important thing to remember is this. If the sex is fantastic you will be able to forgive each other anything.
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is it cheating when your husband fills out a profile on personals? and is it cheating when he coresponds to personals on craiglist? (link)
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If your husband is corresponding with personals on craigslist it's time to get a divorce and an STD test.
I literally never thought I'd hear myself say something like this, but I hope you get his balls in the divorce. Keep your mouth shut and start collecting evidence. Files, screenshots, e-mail accounts.
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ok how about if you are almost 17 then can you move in with your boyfriend to get away from your parents? (link)
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Depends on the state. In Texas you could, but I don't think that goes for many others, I think you have to wait until 18. Google it, it shouldn't be hard to find.
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I’m writing to you out of desperation after months in a sad, cloudy haze. I’m a 29-year-old woman who has struggled with depression since childhood, but my condition has seriously declined since a series of troubling events. I have lost interest in my friends, my old interests
and even in planning for my future. I know the signs of depression, but this feels different, somehow. My sadness is like a physical veil
that hangs over me. It makes me feel ugly and shrouded and hidden. I haven’t smiled in ages, and I think people are starting to like me less for it. Please help!
Last summer, I brought up marriage and kids with a man that I loved dearly and shared an apartment with. He did not react well, and I was forced to break off our wonderful relationship. I was devastated that he did not protest the breakup, and still has not changed his mind. In one horrible weekend, I threw away most of my belongings and packed up the rest and moved into a sad, lonely studio apartment.
A few weeks later, a long-time friend decided that he no longer wanted me in his life, since his new girlfriend preferred it that way. I
started to take anti-anxiety pills regularly throughout the day and drink heavily at night. Then, the final straw: I received a long-awaited promotion – one that had been meant to secure my future with a husband and kids – and was forced to part with lots of close co-workers. (I couldn't turn down this new job without jeopardizing my entire career.) I now work long hours in a stressful, high-profile job, and then go home to a dark and lonely apartment. I don’t have time to date or see old friends. The winter has made things worse, and I feel heavier and more isolated and more exhausted by the day.
I am now approaching 30, and I feel robbed of what should have been the best years of my life. I worked so hard throughout my 20s – both
professionally and socially – to overcome my depression, to land this difficult career, and to build a good life for myself. Now I feel like
it has been for nothing, and all because these people that I trusted decided to pull the rug out from under me. I am lonely, but dread dating in my 30s. I work all the time – and for what, if not kids and a happy family? I think obsessively that this was not how things were supposed to end up, and I just can’t seem to get over it.
Please help me. This blanket of depression is so severe that it scares me. I think more and more that it’s not worth living if I can’t find some shred of happiness. Talk therapy has just upset me and I end up “breaking up” with each therapist I see after only a few sessions. What are my other options? (link)
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Keep trying to find a therapist you can connect with. You can't let yourself run away because something upsets you. You set up a pattern of running away, of avoiding, eventually your life is made up of nothing but things you avoid, you can find enough of them in this world to fill your entire life with time spent in pursuit of this one goal.
I don't know what to say about the career. Spend some time thinking about what you want to happen over the course of the rest of your life. Think about what you want, think about things you think you're supposed to want, think about things you need.
I think the response "If I got where I wanted to go and found out it wasn't where I wanted to be, I'd just keep walking" probably sounds glib, I can't say I have anything like your life accomplishments under me that I've ever had to balance in the choice to walk away from a situation I realize I can't stand.
What does your career mean to you? What does being a mother and having a family? Can they coexist, or not? Can you and this career coexist, or not?
You need to find your own answers. The best advice I've got in that regard is that a therapist can be very helpful in figuring out how to ask yourself the right questions.
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I have a FedEx Drive test scheduled and want to know what to expect or what I should study. I have been driving for 5 years and want to know of anyones experiences even with other Parcel Delivery Companies. Thanks (link)
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What to study?
Make sure you know your local traffic laws. DPS usually has copies.
Other than that, go rent a uhaul truck and drive it all over where ever you're going to be doing fedex. Downtown, dirt roads, etc. They're going to want to make sure you can keep the truck in a lane, make sure you can turn cleanly and obey traffic laws.
It shouldn't be too hard. The biggest pain in the ass is backing up with a small truck like that. Practice stuff like that. Be able to drive a decent sized truck as confidently as you drive whatever car you own.
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I am fifteen. I am currently in a relationship with a great guy. I have known him since August and we spend a lot of time together. He makes me feel so special. He compliments me, accepts me, and treats me right. He is patient with my insecurities and I feel like we could be together for a long time because of our strong chemistry. Our relationship has lasted two months so far, and I could never be happier!
We are physical in our relationship. We kiss a lot but I am uncomfortable with making out so he told me he will wait. He loves to cuddle and hug and he is never pushy but very understanding. Still, I find him often staring at my breasts. I take it as a compliment, but some days I just feel like that's all he cares about. Sometimes when I am talking his eyes are glued to my chest. It hurts a little but I know guys will be guys. He really wants to see my boobs but I have told him I am not ready, and again he assures me he will wait. Still, I feel skeptical. I feel like if I do show him my breasts, even if he is pleasured, the relationship will turn more into physical love and fade out of the spark it is now. But I feel like if I don't do it, he will grow tired of waiting and get bored with me.
He assures me I have nothing to worry about. He is so caring and sweet.
What do you suggest I do? Are my insecurities from past relationships getting to my head? (link)
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Talk to him about it. In a calm "you really need to stop this, you can stare all you want when we aren't talking and you think I'm not paying attention" kinda way.
When I was a teenager at the age we were all getting into dating seinfeld taught us "Cleavage is like the sun, you don't stare into it, you get a sense of it and you look away!"
Hormones tell us to stare. Learning not to be jackasses tells us not to. Without learning, we stare, so teach him that it's rude and that he needs to learn to keep his mind on where his eyes are.
Some guys pick this up through osmosis, some guys get slapped, but I can't think of a guy I know who didn't have to learn this at some point. Help him grow up a little.
Also, trust him. If you aren't ready you aren't ready. He says he's willing to wait. Let him know that you appreciate his patience and that it's alright if he wants to keep talking about it. Don't make it a subject you can't talk about, just set your lines and don't cross them when you aren't ready to.
Also, no, don't just flash him. Honestly, that's going to make things worse. The ultimate drive behind this is sex. Even if he himself isn't ready for it that's what the hormones and his attraction are telling him to go for.
If you show yourself partially naked he's just going to want to see the rest. Everything you do to take the mystery away right now is one more thing he's going to want every chance he gets purely because he's not going to be entirely satisfied by anything less than significant sexual contact.
It's one more thing he has to force himself not to think about so he can work on not being a jackass.
You're going to take things in stages to some degree, but don't just inch into it like you're dipping a toe in a cold pool. Keep things above the clothes until you've decided your ready to let his hands roam. Don't take off the clothes until you're ready to take all of them off. If all you're ready for is taking your top off, you're really not ready to step into anything more sexual than kissing.
On your side, if you don't want to find yourself nibbling away at your own reasonable comfort zone as you give him hope for more while you're just trying to keep him happy, the relationship will die.
Be honest. Be up front. With both him and yourself. Don't take off your clothes until you're doing it because you're ready and willing. The same goes for everything else.
In an absolute worst case scenario, you will not regret losing a guy because he wanted or needed more than you were ready for at 15. You will get over it. You will find another guy. You will love him more than you love this guy (because as you grow so does the complexity of the love and appreciation you are capable of giving others) and you will be perfectly fine.
I know how condescending that is to say. I don't care. You're 15, this guy is not the end of the line for you if you break up, and if you stick it out and he stays you will feel ten times better about yourself and this relationship. You're creating habits that can last a lifetime without significant self awareness and painful efforts to work to change. Don't start out your dating life giving guys sex for attention.
Trust me. It works. It works really well. Thing is, it attracts a certain sort of guy who really, really wants you to want him to like you.
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My daughter is 13 and I'd like for her to start paying for her new clothes, accesories, and basically everything. Of course I would still pay for her food and keep a roof over her head. She doesn't have a job but she gets $5 a week for allowance. Do you think it's okay to make her start paying for stuff? (link)
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No, it's not really ok. The way you just put that...
Setting a budget is one thing. Buying her what she needs within reason and allowing her to add to it is another. Making a 13 year old responsible for anything other than a small portion of what she wants is more than a little messed up.
She's a child. She needs a taste of responsibility and limits. She also needs to be able to dress like she'd like some of the time without having to pay for it. You need to provide limits and a taste of responsibility, not give her a sufficient allowance to buy things and leaving it up to her.
I also think 5 bucks a week is a really small allowance for a kid who doesn't have any responsibilities at all at 13.
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You are good at telling scams so can you tell me if Haley Milano is a scammer? I am a woman and I WANT TO BELIEVE that this woman made this money with internet marketing but I have been scammed before. I found your site looking up another product to see if it was a scam and you kept me from buying it, so I will ask you about this too. It is at: www.strippeddownprofits.com if you would look and tell me what you think please? Thank you! (link)
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This is absolutely a scam.
Any time you see something that seems too good to be true, it is. When you see someone advertising "secret software" that makes you millions, it is a scam. Usually, the "software" is really a CD with instructions on how to set up your own website like this woman did, and market the set of instructions you just bought so that you can scam other people. I wouldn't doubt that "Haley Milano" is a fake name and this woman got scammed herself if she actually bought anything from anyone. If it's even a "she".
There is no overnight internet millionaire anything. There are a few ways to make money from home using the internet, all of them involve telecommuting to valid jobs and all of them pay you less than 40 thousand dollars a year. Think working for a customer service call center type jobs, these do not make you a millionaire.
Internet marketing is code for scamming. It's all bullshit. If you see "internet millionaire" and it's not an article about the chick who made millions buying and selling property in the video game Second Life, it's a scam.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and I've been noticing that our sex life is getting crappier and crappier, at least for me, because its becoming more and more about him. I have tried talking to him about it, telling him what I like, etc, but it doesn't help. We don't even kiss or cuddle anymore, if he wants sex (which isn't very often, about once every two weeks) he'll just poke me with it. If he wants head he'll just nudge my head down there. I can't remember the last time he touched me in a way that would bring me pleasure.
In all other aspects of the relationship he's great. I love him, but the crappy sex life is becoming a really big issue for me, and I don't know how to get him to understand that (he has a low sex drive anyway). I don't know if bad sex is worth breaking up over, if I'm completely happy with everything else.
All I want is some attention on me during sex, because I know if that were to happen it would get a million times better. It would show me he cared about me and my pleasure as well. And don't tell me to not give him any until he starts acting right, because I don't think that would solve anything and would just create resentment on his side.
What do I do?
(I'm 20, he's 25) (link)
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Do everything Rahzie said first. If nothing works, yes, I think it's worth breaking up over.
That's a personal opinion, but I would not have married my wife if the sex weren't still awesome five years later.
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My parents have been heavily involved in anti-pornography movements and legislature since I was a teenager. I felt that they were somewhat obsessive and refused to talk about anything but "pro-family" issues-all day, every day. I became pregnant as a teen and was condemned and verbally abused by my father for this. I never really forgave him. Fast forward over 10 years-I walked in on my father masturbating and watching pornography in our home. He ran away and hid and I never mentioned it to anyone. It made me feel rageful. I wanted to tell my mom because I feel it is hypocritical for them to continue to condemn others while there is a dirty little secret going on. But I never did. I dont want to hurt her. Also, my father helps a lot with my children. He'd probably get mad and stop helping me. He would probably never talk to me again if I did such a thing. Not that it would really hurt my feelings. Most importantly, I have such conflicting views now on everything. Is everything my parents told me in life a lie? I am searching for truth...any advice? (link)
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Often times when people start a crusade there is a reason for it. Anti-homosexual agendas usually have a few closeted gays/lesbians in the ranks. Your parents and porn isn't much different.
Yeah, your father is a hypocrite. Does it really matter to you beyond revenge? Its your word against his, you know he'd deny it, so all there would be is turmoil.
Truth? Truth is a matter of perspective most of the time. Porn is evil from the perspective of a man who loves it and was taught that it was evil, he feels seduced by it. I doubt he's all that happy about his own habits.
Is everything they told you a lie? From their perspective, probably not. From yours, probably. From most other people's, probably.
I have two things to say to you.
First, revenge probably won't make you feel any better. Telling your mother serves little purpose.
Second, if you don't care and want to expose him, do not just tell your mother. Set him up. Give him the opportunity to do it again. Get video. Get it into the hands of his opponents. Destroy his political career. People like your father do real harm to the world with their views, tirades, and hypocrisy.
If you're going to seek justice, do it by destroying the shit he's worked for all his life. Fight his cause, not him. You might actually do some good in the world that way.
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My boyfriend of 2 years has been accusing me of cheating since the beginning. I have more guy friends than girls because they back stab. He gets jealous if I talk or look at a guy that I help at work for their schooling in placement tests. It all started when a friend that I have known a year and a half before him was changed to a girls name in the phone because I noticed he was deleting guys off my phone. I completely forgot that I changed him to a girls name because I give my boyfriend the phone while I'm at work. The guy called 8 months later and asked me for money. He lives in another state and my boyfriend got angry over it. After that I deleted it. Now he won't let me use my own cell phone that I pay for. I can't drive to work, he has to drop me off from my own car. He calls me at work to make sure I'm not cheating at the college while working. He thinks our 1 yr old is not his and that I'm secretly having sex with the neighbors. I don't know wat to do anymore. Counseling is not working (link)
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There isn't much to say that Rahzie hasn't already covered. He's using his accusations to justify his own actions. He's manipulating you.
The "1 year old is not his" thing is incredibly messed up.
It's sad that you have a child with him. But at least you don't have to deal with divorce. Move out and start talking to a lawyer about custody proceedings and child support. No one has the right to control you the way he has. Remember this. When he finds out you're leaving he's probably going to dissolve into a pathetic spectacle, tell you he can change, tell you anything to make you stay or believe things will get better.
He is lying. Lying through his teeth. If he actually wanted change, counseling would have helped.
Get your phone back and use it to call people who you can move in with while you get the rest of your life in order for separating yourself from him. You're long past the point of no return, get out before you spend any more time being made miserable.
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YES my parents are abusive. They have said before if they find out i am still with him that they will send me back to egypt. Mostly everything planned and i told my bf that he would be waiting outside my house at that time. And i would already have all my things packed and in his car when i tell my parents. With my brothers thou they already know him very well and they love him to death and i told them when i leave that they would keep contact with me and they promised me they will and love me very much. 9 and 14 is there age. i know that i should not be getting married at 18. But i need to leave this house. My parents abuse me and don't let me go out much at all. Only school and staying after school since my mom made me quit my job because my uncle saw me smoking a cig. I am not close with my mom at all. she tells my dad everything i would tell her and she is so fake with me. yes i have my american citizen i been here since i was a little girl. But i go to egypt almost every summer to see the rest of my family down there.
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=591559 (link)
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Well it's good you've planned this far in advance, also good that your brothers get it.
Citizenship is good. Make damn sure of that, get your papers in order and have a file with all of the things that prove you belong in America and put it in a safe deposit box at a bank where your family can't possibly get ahold of it. If you can, do this before you tell them you're moving out.
Second suggestion, get your stuff out before the confrontation. If you're a senior in high school, I don't feel any hesitation in telling you to skip a day if you think you can get time at your home alone. If you have a computer, get it out before they know. If you have anything important to you that you don't want held hostage or possibly destroyed, get it out before you go. You should be able to walk out of the house with nothing but the clothes on your back and your cell phone when you are ready to leave and to tell them. By this, I mean get it out of the house while they aren't there. You might have already planned this, you might not have, wasn't sure from what you said.
In a pinch, once you are 18 the local cops should be perfectly willing to stand there and watch you move your things out. My wife went though this, she got kicked out of the house with nothing but her pajamas she was wearing at 17, the cops came back with her to get her stuff and make sure her mother didn't stop her or try anything else. Call the station and ask, always know stuff like that for sure.
Third, money. What are you going to do about it? Being alone at 18 with little job history and no support is incredibly difficult. Start looking into job opportunities now, even if just online. Familiarize yourself with job sites, sign yourself up for monster.com and learn how to make a resume so that you can present yourself well to prospective employers.
With money comes school after high school. Talk to school counselors, figure something out. I highly, highly recommend you look into some kind of job training program. My wife and I are poor, so she's taking a two year degree program that will get her into the medical industry at a job that will make us enough money to live off of while we pursue higher education. Consider looking into things like physical therapy assistant, medical billing and coding, nursing, or do some research into other fields where you can get a short two year degree and come out the other side making yourself enough money to live off of just supporting yourself in your own apartment with no help from anyone else. Again, school counselors can help with this.
Fourth, Egypt. You need to figure out whether or not you can go back. I don't know the customs, the laws there. I don't know what rights you have as a woman. I don't know if your family there could hold you hostage and if you could get yourself freed by law, if the American embassy would do anything to help, etc. These are things you need to know before you go back. Might not be a problem at all, might be a way to end up trapped in another country. Do your research and find out for sure.
Last...
I believe in preparing for every eventuality. Every single one. That, to me, includes the possibility that your parents will pull up roots and take both of your brothers back to Egypt to prevent them from being able to do anything like what you did.
Talk to the 14 year old before you go. Tell him not to fight your parents. Tell him that if he decides when he's your age that he wants to do the same thing that he needs to lay low, not rock the boat, and keep the house as peaceful as possible until he's ready to make his escape. Make your exit as quiet as possible. Don't get into a discussion. Tell your parents what you're doing and why, if they start screaming just leave. Don't let your exit turn the house into Armageddon, just exit and if you want to write your parents a letter explaining yourself in full later.
Once you leave do not go back inside that house. If they want to see you make them meet you in public. Make sure they don't get the opportunity to do anything you think they might to compromise your safety.
Really last...
If you truly have citizen ship and no visa issues, don't get married yet. I don't care if it's against your religion, if you have to sleep on the couch while your boyfriend sleeps in his bed, do it. If you have to resist mighty temptations not to stray sexually past where you want to go, do it. Don't get married at 18 unless you have to to stay in the country.
Your parents ultimately do not matter. Yeah, maybe you being married would turn them from impotent rage at your disobedience as well as moral outrage at what they might see as promiscuity into just rage at disobedience.
It isn't worth marrying at 18 a guy who you are honestly going to cling to purely out of a need for stability.
If you decide to ignore that advice, that's perfectly within your rights. I don't know your relationship, maybe this guy is the right guy and you'll stay happily married. Your call. But don't bind yourself to someone if the primary reason is to just make sure your parents and/or family don't think you've turned into a slut or something.
In doing this you are separating yourself from them and the culture that makes them think they have a right to decide who you marry. Don't let their opinions of what's right or wrong for you dictate your actions ever again.
And again, if you have any further questions, anything you just need to talk about, anything you want help with that you have no idea who else to ask, post it up and I'll do the best I can. I don't check this site every day, so if it takes a bit for me to get to or I don't answer in 24 hours, you'll hear from me at some point.
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First i'd like to start off by saying that i'm a 16 m in high school right now. The purpose of this post is that I believe I need some sort of advice or somebody to talk to. So the beginning of the end of happiness is in 2001. It was just a normal day but a roomate had to pay the rent he his wife and his son rented a room. At about 9 or 10 pm they had an arguement and it ended in him shooting my mother, her friend that was there at the time and a couple of minutes later commiting scuicide. I believe this is what has affected me so much and has turned me into the current failure I am. Right now i am a junior in high school and am very confused about life in general. I don't know if i should even try at school or even have thoughts of just ending everything but i've been hopeful and haven't took that kind of measure. I know it could and might get better but the pain of not having your mother and having her besides you helping you with problems and keeping you up when you're down. My dad is a jerk, at the time when my mom was shot he was in prison for domestic violance(hitting my mom). I alson feel ALOT of pain knowing that I have a little brother and he didn't really have any time to know his mother and will live thrus the same pain I go thru every night. It is really hard for me specially because I really don't have anibody that could help me and give me advice about life for I am not close enough to anibody right now. I feel as if I have no purpose in life and I am a complete failure. Please give me any advice that may be helpful in my situation.ANY advice will be greatly.(I was tearing up writing this post just talking and thinking of the pain of losing my mom and having no one "there" (link)
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I could write pages and pages of advice, words, and I think at the end I'd really not have done much at all to help.
The kind of pain you're going through can last a lifetime. It's not something you will be equipped to deal with alone.
You need therapy. Dealing with this kind of event in your life, learning to live with it and find energy and passion for living again is not something most people know how to do. And it's not something that any of us can fix so far separated from you or the life you live daily.
A professional who can be there, see you in person, read your face and words, and offer feedback and help you work with the results can do more than any of us ever could to make things better for you.
Find out if you're insured.
http://www.find-a-psychiatrist.com/
Go there and call everyone anywhere near you. See if there's anyone you can work with, see if you can pay for it or if not if there's anyone you can work with pro bono. Talk to school counselors and see if there are resources there to help you.
The first step in helping yourself involves exploring your options for outside help.
The rest... the search for a role model, for someone to look up to who can help you figure yourself out will probably go on forever. Both my parents are alive and yet I don't speak to either of them. I haven't been able to rely on them for help, decent advice, or anything other than funding for education since I was prepubescent. I wasn't all that much older than you when I couldn't even rely on them to pay for education either.
That lack parallels yours. I cannot call my mother and ask her for comfort when I'm down. I cannot call my father and ask him for advice on my young marriage, on work, on friends. I cannot share my joys or pain with them. They are, for all intents and purposes, dead to me. And it wasn't really my choice. All I did was cut off contact, a choice I had to make because they weren't capable of meeting even the smallest of my needs as a son or as a person.
I buried myself in friends. And the woman I am now married to. I turned to others whom I respected, and eventually loved, and I found friends who I looked up to and wanted to emulate. I need a good bit of therapy too, and I'm a decade older than you are still waiting for my opportunity.
All I can tell you is that giving up gets you nothing. Ending it solves no problems. Nothingness is nothingness. Your problems still exist, only now there is no one there to shoulder them. Your brother will be even more alone.
I wake up every day angry at the world to some degree for what I should have had and didn't. I can't help that much. But I also recognize that I do not want to let the world crush me. I do not want to give up. I do not want the story of my life to end where I am now, so that the only remembrances of me are of a sad guy who eventually walked away from the pain.
I want to have kids. I want to be a better father than mine ever was or could have been to me. I want to have friends who will miss me when I'm gone, and who will go to my funeral and remember all the good times, the laughs, the joyful tears, the shared experiences.
I want to be celebrated as a decent person who added more to the world than he took away.
Work towards the same. Fight for yourself. Struggle. Set goals and make them a reality. When all seems lost, tell the world to go to hell and keep trying anyway. Defiance is worth it. I still have hard days. I still question whether I'll ever be truly happy. But in the short time since I was your age I know that I've made some other people's lives better.
That alone, for me, is reason to keep living. Maybe it'll help you. Spend time with your brother. Let him know he's loved every day. Find friends. Do the same for them. Find a girl (or guy) and do the same for them. Fight to get yourself educated. Fight to make yours and those you care about's lives better. Fight to live. Life is worth it.
And truthfully, it gets better after high school. When you are an adult who can fight for himself without parents support.
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So the times coming up to where i have to leave my family. I am an egyptian muslim girl and i live in america with my parents. I am a senior in high school and i am in a relationship with a boy whos in college thats two years older then i am. We have been together for almost three years know. My parents do not like him at all just because they caught me going out with him and also found a picture of us kissing. I think also because my parents are a little racist against bangali people. My parents right know are trying to get me engaged to another man in egypt but i keep refusing. I am turing 18 very soon and when that happens i am planning on leaving my house and telling my parents im going to marry my bf. I dont know if they will ever forgive me or want to see me again or even let me see my two little brothers. (link)
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A very complex question.
I don't come anywhere near as I'd like to understanding the religious or national culture you come from.
I will take from your question that you are pretty set on this course. My perspective leads me to tell you that that is good. With your decision pretty much made comes dealing with the aftermath. That's where we hit the wall of my lack of knowledge or experience, I don't know what the fallout of your decision could possibly be.
A quick aside, the only views I've been exposed to tell me that it's possible your parents would try to physically restrain you, even force you to emigrate back to Egypt if confronted with this idea directly. To prevent you, even though you have reached an age where they have no legal grounds to do so in this country, from leaving the house, interacting with your boyfriend, etc etc.
If you confront them face to face, make sure someone knows where you are. Someone who can, in a worst case scenario, call the police to escort you out of the house if you cannot leave of your own free will and are subject to threats or even physical violence.
You know your family and customs better than I, so if you think denial of contact with your siblings is possible I'll take that at face value. I would think that your parents might well see this as "you've been poisoned by American culture to disobey them" or something similar and would want to prevent you from "harming" your siblings in a similar manner. In your shoes I would even be prepared to have your siblings turned against you, to learn that your parents had taught them that you walked down a bad path and wanted to lure them down it, to try to keep them from coming to the same conclusions you have and doing the same thing you are doing.
The marriage thing...
There are alot of factors that would influence what I have to say about that. On the purely practical side, marriage at 18 isn't the greatest idea. At 18 you really aren't a full adult yet. You aren't done with your own emotional and mental development as a person. Marrying a guy at 18, you could discover at 25 that he really isn't what you want in a husband, and then are faced with divorce (which I would imagine isn't something you want to contemplate).
On the other hand, if you are not an American Citizen then you might need marriage to obtain a permanent visa.
There are a ton of questions here that I cannot answer because your life situation is very complicated, at least potentially.
I don't really know where to go from here with advice. There are many possibilities in your situation and I don't know which ones are likely and which ones are not.
I'd say that, as best I can, I'll continue to try to help if you want to turn a question into a dialogue. Drop me a question in my inbox with more information if you'd like to talk more, tell me about your family, your history, anything culturally or religiously relevant, etc.
What are you most concerned about here? Legal rights to see your siblings? Just dealing with the emotions? Are you trying to decide the best way to do this? Are you questioning whether you want to? Let me know if you like, and I'll do what I can to help you figure things out.
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i'm 22 f and recently got married to my husband 24 m we are trying to have a baby but i've had two misscarages already and the last one was rather bad. i'm on bed rest for the rest of the week. this is scaring my husband i'm scared that he won't want to try again. he doesn't really want to talk about it anymore. he avoids the subject of children all together. my sister in law has a 2 year old son and the other day i was playing with him on the carpet. i looked up and my husband was smileing at me. he leaned down and whispered that i looked like a mom with him. so i'm very confused what can i say to him on the subject. how do i approch the subject of children without upseting him please help. (link)
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I'd really suggest trying couples therapy.
Though it's not something people bring up or focus on much, a hopeful father going through these disappointments can have it almost as rough as you do emotionally. If he's shutting down in regards to this, it's a sign that he's really messed up about it.
A counselor will be better at figuring out how to get him to talk about what's going on with him than you will. Guys have egos, and self images. He's supposed to be the strong one, he's supposed to be the one supporting you, he probably feels like his own mental anguish is somehow a weakness on his part. These things are pretty common in situations like yours.
A counselor will know how to say what needs to be said to get him to open up. Give it a shot, if you need to approach him with the idea from a "I'd like to talk to a professional and I'd like you in the room for support and outside input" perspective.
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16/F, in pretty good shape, work out often.
Hi there. I recently just got my first job working at a local pharmacy, and they need to do a drug test on me. Yes, i've smoked in the passed month, but I don't do it everyday nor everyweek. The last time i smoked was 2 weeks ago, and I had 1 hit, thats it, and i can't remember if it was that same week, or the week before, i smoked and i only had 3-4 hits, maybe not even. I have to take my drug test tomorrow, and I can't get out of it. My friends told me to drink a whole bottle of cranberry juice so i'll pee clear and be all set for tomorrow, they think it will work since I barely smoke. Does anyone know if this is going to work? How do I know if its out of my system or not? Are there any other home remedies I can use? I really want this job and my mom would kill me if she found out I smoke. What do I tell her if i don't pass?
Thanks for everything! (link)
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If you don't pass you don't pass. Your job isn't going to tell anyone but you the results of the test, so who else finds out is up to you.
If you aren't a regular smoker though, you could well be clean by now. Two weeks without regular smoking habits to begin with, a single instance of smoking with no followup is usually out of your system within days, a week tops. If you only smoke a tiny bit every few weeks it's entirely possible you will be clean before the test comes.
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hi ok i can't believe i am making a big deal out of this and posting a question about this, but yesterday i overheard some people's conversation about smoking out of a pipe. and i asked her about and i gave her my number and she said she would hook me up with some weed. and she didn't text me but i called her today and she texted me as i was leaving a voicemail and said i wanted some weed. but i am so scared, and i feel stupid for even putting myself in this situation. i've smoked marijuana before twice. i know what the consequences are and yet i still put myself in this situation. this girl said she would let me know. because her dealer didn't have any. i am scared what should i do? i am 20 years old. i mean i know people smoke weed so it's not a big deal but it's dangerous. i just need some advice on what to do. please don't judge me, it's not like i smoke pot everyday. (link)
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Are you fucking serious?
Do not. EVER. Bring up drugs with an unknown stranger and ask to buy from them. This is the kind of shit that ends with you being arrested when your "new friend" gets caught and fingers you as her dealer so that she can get off on a misdemeanor.
The smart thing to do at this point is to change your number and tell everyone you care about that you were getting calls from a debt collection agency asking for a person you've never met and you changed it because they wouldn't believe you weren't the person they were looking for.
Do not hop into illegal arrangements with people you don't know. Do not give your number to strangers asking them to hook you up. Do not wander into other people's conversations about drugs like they're dealers themselves and expect them to stick their necks out to help you get a bag of weed.
At best, she thinks you're an idiot without a lick of sense and is hoping you stop bothering her. At worst she's as dumb as you are, which basically means you're trusting an idiot with something that could fuck both of your lives up and cost either or both of you thousands of dollars. That's assuming you're lucky enough to get charged with misdemeanor possession.
Yes, it's dangerous. As stupid and fucked up as it is, it's dangerous. Cops love pot arrests. DA's love charging non violent offenders with felonies and filling our for-profit prison system. There are people literally chomping at the bit to make money off of ruining your life.
Never do this again. Would you hand the keys to your house over to a stranger and ask them to watch your shit while you take a vacation? What you just did is ten times worse.
Do not contact her again.
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