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How do I apologize?
I am fifteen. Last summer, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had sex with an ex. It completely erased my mind, really, until in January. My parents found out. They were absolutely ashamed. I could understand why, because I have always been a good child. But then they started treating me like I was a slut. My mom bought me all these old tight shirts that didn't show my body or cleavage, and I went to counseling and the doctor. I was punished, confined in my house with no communication to the outside world.
Two months later. I have my phone back but I am not allowed back on Facebook yet. My parents and I are good, and I am repaired. The most hurt of all this is my stepdad. He didn't talk to me up until March. We have been friendly and like nothing ever happened, laughing and having fun, staying up late together and just spending so much time together. A week ago my mom said he was still upset over me having sex. He said I should apologize. Sure, it was a mistake but I don't think I should apologize...do you?
I want to have his forgiveness. I know there's a pang of hurt when we lock eyes. I don't regret anything, I just wish the situation turned out better. I feel so bad for not being what my parents wanted, but I know they weren't perfect, either, as teens. Should I apologize? And if so, how? I choke every time I want to speak and it can't seem to come out without any tears.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
And another girl falls victim to sexual shaming.
Your parents should be shot, for the record, for teaching you that what you did was a shameful act you should apologize to them for.
I'm going to shoot a little wider than just your problem here.
I come from a very strict Catholic family. I am not the son my parents wanted. I have never wanted to be that imaginary person the rest of my family saw me as and wanted me to grow into.
There came a point when I realized my parents were poison. In general, because of their characters and choices, but specifically for me because they refused to let go of that image of who I was and still be able to believe in me as a person or their son.
I kept them entirely out of my sex life, but that didn't mean I didn't get to go through the shaming. The endless assertions of how close to the wrong path I treaded, the questioning of my ability to do anything in the world because their tiny perspectives on life couldn't encompass functioning any way but the way they functioned and being happy with your life.
If you apologize you are taking steps into the shoes of the person they want you to be. You will always have issues because the distance between where you are, where you want to be for yourself, and where you want to be for them will be an unbridgeable gulf.
If you assert yourself you get to find out if your family is capable of sucking their opinions up and loving you anyway, or not. If you don't regret something you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. I don't really see the difference there.
I'm not going to bother making judgments on whether what you did was a mistake. Doesn't really seem like it was to you.
If that is indeed the case, nothing your parents do or say will change your view of what it was to you. Apologizing means you're lying to them.
From experience, I can tell you that trying to be loved by parents you have to lie to so they don't know who you are, what you think, is about the most painful thing a person can willingly put themselves through.
If you don't wait until your 20s to actually put forth what you think and keep it out there, to force your parents to judge you on your real merits and not their idealistic views of who they want you to be, maybe you can actually salvage a relationship out of it afterwards.
You don't have to be rough or confrontational, but you do have to be firm. Their shame is unacceptable, as is their shaming of you. Don't just sit there and take it.
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this sounds exactly like my situation three years ago and i understand how you feel, try writing a letter to them first this way you can say whatever you want to say and you'll find its really effective in expressing your feelings, but i think the best way is to speak to them and it's really good if you start crying it will show them how sorry you are and you might not even have to say anything, remember they were just dissapointed because they want the best for you and they love you alot and are just looking out for your best interests. just see this as a lesson and be glad that now you don't have to hide anything from them
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You will certainly get different opinions on this one. My opinion is that you don't really owe your parents an apology.
However, you certainly owe them a big thank you.
Just because you don't need to apologize or grovel or beg forgiveness, doesn't mean you can't take a minute to acknowledge how painful it has been for your parents and tell them you appreciate them and their support and want to really heal your relationship with them.
It's a fine line to walk - because if you honestly don't believe you wronged them, then an apology isn't an honest thing to do - but you can still acknowledge their pain and the difficulties they have gone through.
Write a letter - if that makes it easier - expressing your thanks and desire to have a good relationship with them. Thank them for their love and support.
It’s very difficult as a young teen, to both respect and acknowledge your parents hard work and deep love, at the same time as standing up for what you believe. That is what you’ll need to try to achieve in this situation.
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You made a mistake. But your parents made an even bigger mistake by turning into immature children themselves about the whole thing. Giving you the silent treatment? That's childish. I feel I can say that fairly because I am a parent. I know that they were hurt and disappointed. We all have high hopes and dreams for our kids that they will not make the same mistakes we did. But guess what? We're humans and we all make mistakes. Some are big, some are small, but we all make them, and we all have to make our own choices. At this point, I'm not sure that an apology is what's needed so much as forgiveness. On your part and the part of your parents. You need to be able to sit down with them and have a really honest talk. Start by telling them you know you disappointed them and that makes you feel awful. Ask them for forgiveness. Then tell them that, even though you know you made a mistake, what hurt the most was that they treated you like a bad person. And they are the people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And that really hurt you and made you feel like you can't go to them with your problems anymore. Then tell them that, just as they forgive you, you forgive them, because they are important to you and they love them. If you can't do all that without getting crazy emotional then write it down in a letter first and read the letter out loud to them. Sometimes that helps because you have time beforehand to plan what you want to say and write it out clearly. Then at least, if you do get emotional, those emotions won't get in the way of the meaning of what you want to say. And understand that your parents are just people too. They're not perfect. There's no handbook that comes with babies telling us just the right things to do and say. sometimes we mess up too. But I can tell you one thing - your parents love you more than anything. At least you have that comfort as you talk to them. Good luck!
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If it would make the situation at home better, you should just apologize. You might not feel it was wrong but your parents didn't like the way you conducted yourself and it went against the way they raised you. It's good that you don't regret it so much that you need to apologize. Sex can be a scary thing. If you cry while you're trying, that's okay too. It will show that you care.
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