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What do you think is an appropriate age limit for dating? Like how many years older should it be and how many years younger. I am 18 years old and I have come to the realization that I need to set a date age limit... so any ideas would be lovely. Thanks. =]
P.S. I rate high for good advice ;) (link)
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You'll get as many different answers as you will different people, but here's a quick summary of my opinion.
Date someone who is legal.
Obviously, don't date outside your area's Age of Consent. The Age of Consents in the vast majority of places are really very fair and reasonable, with many 'close in age' exceptions to keep from criminalizing young people being intimate with their own peers. Once I started looking into these laws, I was actually pleasantly surprised with how liberal they were.
Date someone who is your PEER.
By that I mean date someone who you can be equal to. That doesn't necessarily mean age, or income or education, but those are also not horrible guidelines and it definitely does mean date someone where there is equality to your social exchanges, where you can both make decisions with equal strength, where you can both bring conversation and activities and where you can both exist with equal dignity and equal control of the relationship.
Date someone with a similar lifestyle.
This isn't a hard and fast rule, but I think it makes particular sense for younger people. A seventeen year old at high school living at home and a twenty year old in college living in residence will have a MUCH harder time then two people of the same ages who both have the same lifestyle (i.e. who both live away from home and go to school). Same thing goes for a nine-teen year going to college and a twenty-five year old working full-time. These lifestyles are wildly different and give people very different values. That makes a relationship needlessly tough. It's not a rule. I can't say those relationships wont work, just that the odds are against them and they aren't always the best idea.
There really are not firm rules (besides, of course, the law), there are just good ideas and not so good ideas. You probably know which is which.
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for me getting guys has never been a problem, the problem is they always screw me over. every guy i go for, no matter how different they may seem they usually turn out to be worse than the last. ive been through sheer hell in the relationship department and have felt like giving up but as sad as it is, i really do need a man to feel happy. i dont know why, or if thats pathetic, but i am not happy alone. i never feel good enough for anyone and each relationship results in my ego becomming lower and lower. i honestly have no idea what i do wrong. i try very hard not to be annoying, i stay in shape, i try and do nice things for them, and i try to take things slow sexually. im good at sexual acts so my problem is not that i dont know what im doing physically, but emotionally rather. i used to believe it was the guys but now im beginning to question, is it me? and why doesnt anyone actually like me? why do they all just want to use me? why is everyone capable of getting into amazing and functional relationships and im not. if you have any advice please let me know. i would like to know how i can become more of a relationship person, and how to detect if a guy is just looking to use me.
(link)
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So there's this girl I know.
Lets call her Hannah.
She's just like you. All the guys she's attracted to are relatively worthless, somewhat to very assholish, and she does everything she can to please them and wonders constantly if it's her fault.
And in a way, it is.
One of the most basic parts of an adult relationship is communication. I'm wondering how many of these guys show genuine and constant interest in you, in what you think, in your stories and your history and your interests and everything that has to do with you. The guys you describe typically talk more about themselves than they want to listen to you, don't ask you about yourself that much, and spend more time trying to get laid than wondering what's going through your head.
You are trying to become the perfect woman, and in fact you're screwing everything about it up. The perfect woman is the woman who actually IS someone. A girl who has her identity separate from her relationships.
Why don't they like you? Because as it stands there's nothing there. What substance is there to a person who simply molds themselves to a situation?
My favorite description of what a relationship is, is it's learning to fit someone else into your life.
Think about the wording. Learning to fit.
You learn to fit people into your life because no two people have everything perfectly in common. Relationships are about learning to bridge those gaps, establish trust and love, and make room in your life and your mind for another person. You work on yourselves and on each other, and eventually grow into something that meshes well. Something that actually does fit together.
If you mold yourself and do whatever your boyfriend needs, what need is there to learn about you? If you fit without a guy putting in any effort... well why the hell is he going to put in effort? Relationships are two way streets, and you're trying to do the entire thing yourself.
That doesn't work, and isn't attractive.
The solution is self awareness. You need to focus on yourself as a person. You need to take some time off from dating, maybe 6 months or a year, and get to know being alone. Get close and intimate with it. Learn to be alright with it. If you can't be OK alone you can't be OK in a relationship.
It is you, but it's not what you think. It's not that you can't do anything well enough, it's that you've got no clue what you should be doing in the first place.
I am confident because I improved myself. I wasn't confident the way I am now when I was younger. There wasn't a whole lot to who I was. I got off my ass, I started experiencing life, getting involved in things, getting myself out there as nothing but myself. I learned from my mistakes and from my successes, and I've slowly figured out both who I am and who I want to be.
Being yourself makes you stand out in a crowd. Think about your world, your life, and the people you know. How many girls do you know who are in some way "trendy"? How many times a day do you see someone doing something the way other people do it? The "Ghetto" trend where white kids pretend they're black, fashion, everything like it. People blend together because no one has enough self confidence to say what's right for them and not care about what others think.
You, in relationships, are the embodiment of all of the worst ideas in this line. You try to be the perfect girlfriend, but in fact what you are is your best approximation of what you think guys want.
Worst of all, you're at an age where the guys around your age don't know what they are really going to want in a woman, so plenty of guys are willing to date you. It gives you the illusion that you're doing things the right way, and when they break up with you you think you aren't good enough.
In reality, you weren't going about things in the right way to begin with, which is good and bad.
Your last question is a good one to end this on. What do you look for?
Look for guys who want to talk to you. Look for guys who want to talk about the same things you do. Look for guys who care about you, and look inside yourself for that spark of interest and be open to developing interests in guys you might now consider friends.
That's one of the many things you should look for, but it's one of the major ones.
The other, I would say, is openmindedness. A guy who is willing to change, or at least to consider whether he thinks he needs to. Avoid guys who always have to have their way, avoid guys who talk only about themselves, or who seem much more interested in hearing themselves talk than listening to you. Avoid guys who belittle you or dismiss you, especially early on. Avoid guys who can't take a little good-natured teasing and get pissed off about it.
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My boyfriend and I are perfect for each other. We didn't kiss for a loooong time and waited. I spent the night at his house last weekend with no intentions of even kissing but we kissed and kissed and kissed and were SO close to having sex. He really wanted to but I kept saying no (even though my body was telling me yes ! lmao!) because I want to wait & for it to be special. Later, he told me we really should wait, too. But bottom line is: we can't. I just know we can't wait. What can we do to in order to not have sex? Even by one little itty bitty touch, we're ready to get it onnnnnnnnn. hahahaha. (link)
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Oh boy.
The sex drive isn't going to go away. The easiest way to deal with it is to find other things to occupy your mind. When you both get horny, agree to go do something else, occupy yourselves so you have other things to concentrate on.
A few words.
Sex isn't special because it's the first time, it's special because of who you're with.
And you don't wait because you want it to be more special.
Do you know why parents want their kids to wait? Sex complicates everything.
Adult relationships are hard. They require work, effort, and an eye on the eventual goal of having a mature, working relationship where you aren't at each other's throats. It takes a lot of fighting, a lot of learning to put up with someone, and a lot of compromise to reach that.
Sex adds one more thing to fight about, one more thing to resent the other person over, one more thing that can tear a relationship apart.
Let me give you an example.
One of the most common problems is once sex becomes somewhat normal in the relationship, people settle in to a groove of sexual desire. High sex drives might want sex once a day, low sex drives might only want it every week or two.
When one person wants the other person more than they feel they are wanted, it causes issues. It can feel like rejection, and is hard for both parties to overcome, because BOTH people have to compromise.
Sex is just one aspect of a relationship, and this is just ONE problem that sex can bring up. Given enough problems, enough fighting, and too little compromise a relationship can and will fail. That's why its good to wait. You want to know each other, know how you will react and what it means, and know that you can handle problems that crop up like a pair of adults.
One question, do you two talk about sex? Is it hints and vague comments or have you had a one on one dialog about what you both want and believe. If you haven't, its time. If you have, talk more.
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F/15
Is it true that guys are only after that one thing--sex?
My older brother, 21, doesn't want me dating my current boyfriend. He's about a year older than me. He says, "I'm a guy and I hang out with guys. I know how they think, what they want, blah blah blah." My brother claims that fifteen is too early to be looking for a spouse, which is true. So, teens must be dating for only one reason these days--sex.
Well now that I think about it...why ARE we dating so young? It's not like we're going to get married at this age.
My brother won't stop making fun of the way my boyfriend dresses, he's a scene kid, I guess. I'm afraid that my brother will say something to his face. Even still, it hurts my feelings anyway.
Can someone help me be reasonable with him?? (link)
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Why do kids do adult things?
Because they want to pretend they are adults. There's no value in being a child because being grown up is a way to try to elevate yourself among your peers. It's a natural reaction kids have to the fact that parents are adults and adults are more capable than children.
Is your brother right? He's halfway there.
Guys are horny. Well, people are horny. We're designed that way. However, because of hormones present during puberty everyone's a lot hornier with a lot less reason behind it.
As guys get older, they learn to appropriately manage their sex drive and sexual behavior (hopefully, at least) and become more datable. But at 15 most guys are too inexperienced and too horny to know what to do with themselves. They will take sex however they can get it, even when they DO like you for more than just that.
Why should you be dating? So you can know what it's like. You should be enjoying being liked, and liking someone in return. You should be learning how to trust a significant other and learning about guys and what the things they do mean.
When people are young, they have learning loves. A child cannot wrap their head around the scope of a mature relationship, but as you date and spend time with one person for longer and longer, you grow up with them and learn about them, and you learn to increase your capacity for love.
I'm sure you've heard that teens can't really be in love, or the line "you're too young to fall in love"
Imagine that your love is a bucket. When you start out dating, all it takes is enough love and care to fill a bucket to qualify as "I love them".
As you get older, you move up to a swimming pool, then a lake, the Gulf of Mexico, the Pacific Ocean. At each point your capacity for love of a person increases. This can happen over many years with one person or over several relationships. Different people come to it different ways.
But basically, your capacity for love, and your ability to know a person and understand them forms a depth of relationship unlike anything you could probably imagine now.
The love that accompanies knowing someone that well is amazing.
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16/m
Hi well my problem is that I can't ever keep a relationship going every time we breek up within the few weeks or days I can't ever be happy, the other week I asked a girl out I thought we were doing well I was doing everything living it up enjoying my time with her, berly a week and she broke up with me... Why would this happen to me everytime especially this time I really like her I did everything differnt yet I failed, I was once told that I'm the type of guy who usually in those chick flicks gets the girl in the end I never believed it but now I think I'm beginning to understand it, it meant for me to last with a girl I would have had to been through a breakup with her meaning that this would be our second time going out, sounds dumb but I'm willing to try it, the one thing that scares me is that if she don't like me I'm going to end up waiting for years just for nothing,
When I asked why? she told me it was because she was confused and did not know if she liked me the same way as I like her, I gave her a letter and a drawing and a hug and a kiss before I walked away
I don't know what to do (link)
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Ok.
First off, it's a really bad sign that you compared yourself to romantic comedies. Do I really have to point out that movies are not real life?
In real life, the guy who gets the girl is the guy who knows what the girl he's chasing wants.
You don't learn this in a day, or even necessarily in a single relationship. But if you pay attention, and start trying to figure out what real girls want in a guy, you'll find a lot more success than you do now.
To give you some specific points.
If you think you have to break up and get back together in order to be together, you're an idiot. If you see that as some kind of goal, you're going to act in a way that brings about it, and obviously it's working so well that you aren't even lasting a week.
At a guess, you come on way too strong. A letter, a drawing, a hug, and a kiss?
Let me give you an insight. Pretty much all women want excitement in their relationships. That excitement starts with the mutual dance around the issue of liking each other. Flirting without openly admitting you like each other. A girl wants her guy to have a little mystery.
The reason for all this BS, is that guys are usually more direct about deciding they like a girl than a girl is. Guys are logical. You see a girl who matches what you want, and you like her. Girls are emotional. They feel it out, they test the waters to see if they get those butterflies. They rely a lot more on impression and their emotional reactions to you.
So what you have to do is give her time to realize she likes you. Complimenting girls, noticing things about them, smiling in reaction.
What you did, the exact thing you did, is you put out the fact that you like her before she was sure she liked you. That puts pressure on her to feel the same, because now that it's established that you really like her. She knows that if SHE loved YOU and you didn't feel the same way she'd be devastated. She has to decide if she feels as strongly about it as she thinks you do. If she doesn't, she's going to run away.
Don't throw your like in people's faces so quickly. Give them time to wonder.
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ok, my older sister Julie is letting me use her account to ask my question.
14/f
my parents are really super religious and stuff (catholic, we go to church every sunday morning at like the break of f-ing dawn) but i don't believe in God at all. i mean, he created us but who created him? he couldn't have created himself. that's impossible, it doesn't make any sense, and he couldn't have just always existed, cause, like, you have to be made first to exist at all, right? but any time i try to tell them how i feel thay flip out on me and ground me. how the hell do i make them understand that i dont believe in their stupid religion? they wont listen to me. I mean, when Julie brought it up, they listened and let her quit going to church and stuff when she was my age. but, i guess, could it be because she was always sort of...idk, i guess they just knew that if they tried to force her into somethin she wasnt into that she'd flip out on them and probably, like, run away or something. she's just always been true to herself and has never allowed anyone to control her. so what do i do to make them stop, to stop going to church when i dont believe in it, it seems kind of hypocritical and shit. so, what? do i just start acting like Julie, or maybe i could lock my bedroom door sunday mornings so they can't get in. what the hell do i do?
Carry P. (link)
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Hmm.
I understand where you're coming from. I'm trying to figure out how to explain it without insulting you.
The things you hold as true are only true from human perspective.
Think about a fly. Flies have a very short lifespan. There are literally billions of flies worldwide who were born after you were born, and died after you had died. The dinosaurs lived for MILLIONS of years compared to humans estimated fifty or sixty thousand.
You have existed for longer than entire generations of flies have been around.
Your questions have basic things wrong with them. Humans understand that everything has a beginning, and we pick points we can relate to as "the beginning."
Take the Big Bang. Humans generally consider that to be "when time began." But all the mass that was part of the big bang and became "the universe" existed before that. Before we consider time to have began.
That's a very good example of how when humans don't know the entire truth, we'll create an arbitrary point that represents our best guess and consider it fact until we learn more.
Another point few people think about, is that scientists consider the universe to be infinite. There is no end to it.
If that's true, then everything that is possible is real. When you watch a movie, somewhere in the universe that movie actually happened. Superman lives, and Hillary Clinton is president right now. Infinite space means that there are an infinite number of worlds exactly like ours, and an infinite number that are almost like it, but with differences.
Concepts like this are the best we can do towards understanding. Humans intrinsically have difficulty wrapping their minds around the concept of infinite. Within our world everything is finite, but that's because WE are finite. We exist, and then don't exist. We live, and die, and everything we are capable of relating to is something that we can relate to.
What if there was a being that was not finite. A being with no end. Would that being have to have a beginning? We honestly cannot answer that question. Until we encounter it, there's no way to prove it.
And that's another human fallacy. Without evidence, something cannot exist.
Do you have any idea how many things we did not have evidence of until recently? For Christ's sake, we once thought the world was flat, because we had no evidence to think otherwise. People were killed for going against this belief. Now we orbit satellites around it to bring TV to people's homes.
I don't know that God exists. I can't hold something in front of your eyes and say "Here! Look! This is God."
But I believe. I've had experiences in my life, close calls, moments where I felt my life was touched by something greater than myself. Life is too beautiful to be an accident, and while I was raised Catholic I don't always think that their concept of "God" is correct. But I have nothing better to relate to.
I can't describe it any better than, if nothing else, I feel that the universe desires good. There is bad, every light casts a shadow, but I feel that at all times there is some benevolence gently trying to tip the scales in favor of the kind of things that bring joy into people's lives.
Is that "God"? I don't know. We may never know as a species, we almost certainly won't in our lifetime.
You know, unless we hit the apocalypse. Or the sun explodes. That'll be enough of an answer for us.
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firstly i'm 17 and im a guy.
Well, I went out with a girl about a year ago (october 2007). She was the perfect girl for me i swear. After 25 days she decided to end the relationship with me. I couldn't take it at all. Then a few months went on and she started going out with another guy, damn I was heartbroken, I couldn't get over her no matter what. Then after a while I THOUGHT I got over her, and then she became my really close friend, and all the feelings came back. One day I just couldn't keep it in and I told her how I felt, she never felt the same way. It felt good to let it out, but now, I'm still thinking I'm in love with her. Again, she's going out with someone now. She's still my close friend, but everytime I talk to her I feel the pain, but I don't want to lose my friendship with her by making things even more awkward. Please help soon!.
Thanks a lot! (link)
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arr.
It wont stop hurting until you move on. From her. Entirely.
...
Ok. I'm going to offer you a perspective. Hers.
So, you dated for 25 days. Thats not THAT long. Not long enough for the year of infatuation and re-confessed love.
Ok. So heres the thing. When a girl tells you "I just don't feel the same way" it means you killed it. You notice she specified "I don't feel the same way YOU do" she didn't tell you that she didn't like you or wasnt attracted to you at all. I mean, you dated for almost a month.
She was interested, and it stopped.
More than likely what happened is you just fell head over heels. The movies make it seem like this is a common, every day occurrence. Its not. Most women take time.
Heres the thing. Women place more emphasis on emotion than men do. So, when you love her and she isnt sure, she feels a ton of pressure to feel the same way you do. She knows that if SHE loved YOU and you didn't feel the same way she'd be devastated.
Plus, she knows how you feel. She doesn't have to get to know you better to figure it out. The mystery is gone. And girls like mystery.
Basically, you require no work. Few people truly want a relationship handed to them on a silver platter. It doesnt sit right, because most people have at least the unconscious gut level knowledge that perfect never lasts.
So you come along. You offer her love without her even having to work for it. If a girl is able to understand why she doesn't like that, she would usually say its something like "He doesn't know me, but he loves me. What does he love? Certainly not who I actually am."
Some general guidelines.
Calling, texting, etc needs to be watched. Don't call or text her more than twice without leaving a message and waiting to hear from her. If theres a very good reason for it, 4 text messages can be cute, or normal. If every time she wakes up she has more than once voicemail or seven texts, its not cute anymore.
2 calls and a voicemail, or a text, a call and a voicemail absolute maximum. If you don't hear from her by the time you go to sleep, wait until several hours after you both should have been awake to text you.
It should be important, but not urgent. If its urgent, your texts and voicemails should reflect that.
Basically, you don't want to give the impression that she's all you can think about before you're all SHE can think about.
The L word. Love at 2 months at the earliest unless she says it first. Why? Because she wants to know, and until you say it to her she is trying to figure it out. Especially once she's starting to think she loves you.
My policy for new relationships, treat her like you love her, say nothing.
Gifts. Don't spend what she might consider to be a large amount of money on anything until you've been together several months and she has a birthday or something.
Before that, small things. A small, inventive, unexpected gift every once in a while is a great idea.
You've got to plan this out more. Headgames, though often a pain in the ass, are necessary. Girls thrive on them, and if you are a guy who presents a puzzle in some way you've got a much better shot.
Thats what I'm thinking happened, you came on too strong for her. Cool it a little, and play it out a little, and you might find better successes.
Also, just to hammer the other point home, shes gone, and its only going to hurt, so the sooner you get over everything and truly let her go, and date other people, the better.
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First time Ive asked a genuine question. Hmm. How to start. This is going to be long. Apologies in advance.
So I'm in a relationship. Been together 3 years this January. Ups and downs as usual for a relationship that long.
I'm trying to figure out how not to tell my life story and give you the details you need here.
For the last year, I've been worthless. Family drama, losing all support including my car, and losing a job that was actually keeping me quite nicely afloat until I could get back to school last summer left me drifting. I have barely had ends meet ever since.
She moved in with me at the beginning of the summer. She's supported me and has helped me try to get myself back on track but I still hadn't found the motivation to get my life back on track. Add on that she isn't a whole lot more motivated than I am, and we ended up working a job where we could both skip work and no one noticed or cared. She tried several other jobs but quit each one after a week.
She's sick of it. She's sick of living paycheck to paycheck and not having any stability in our lives. She's sick of me not having the willpower to pull myself out of the mud. And she's planning to move out, move away, and she says "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now."
I really don't want to lose her. I've worked and I've tried. I let down my responsibilities to the practical side of our life together but I always tried to keep up the relationship side with her.
This weekend she went home to visit family. She left on good terms. She still hasn't come back. She was originally planning to come back on saturday to move out, she has said that instead she will come back and stay a week until the saturday after next. But she says 98% chance she's also leaving.
I don't know what to do. She wants time to be alone, to not have to be stressed out about me or us or anything. Her parents (with whom she was on bad terms until about three weeks ago) are now offering to support her, give her an apartment, get her back in school, and even let her move back here after a semester as long as she's not living with me.
And it should be noted, I am slowly getting my shit together, but it's a long process. I have a few small debts that are still somewhat large to someone of my meager income. I need a better job than I have now and have no way to obtain one. It's just... it's not enough together that she doesn't feel stressed out about it.
She's taking them up on it. I can't blame her, I mean I can't exactly afford to send her to college. But in the process she's dumping me. We had planned for her to move back in December, and I might move up there with her if a job opportunity were found that would let me support myself. Else I'd stay here and she'd move back and we'd continue.
Now she wants to move back asap.
I know that if she leaves in a week, it will kill us. I mean, she's going to want space. She's going to put boundaries on any contact we can have. And the longer it goes on, the longer I'm going to resent her for it. I know that I will eventually drive her away because I am going to cling and I won't be able to help it.
If we go completely out of contact, it's the same thing. We just won't talk anymore, and that will be that.
I have to convince her to stay and fix our relationship, then she can leave. But I don't know how. She doesn't think that it can be fixed right now.
I just don't know. I thought I was going to marry this girl. And I'm closing on 23, so this isn't exactly moony eyed college kids. We've been in it for the long haul.
I just... She's my best friend. She completes me and I trust her more than I've ever been able to trust another human being. I've never encountered that before. I'm not the kind of person who usually ends up in relationships with any depth to them.
I could let her go. I could get over it. I could eventually fall in love again. I know I could get past it. I just don't want to. I refuse to.
I also don't want to face the concept that I have fucked up the best relationship I've ever had to the point that I can't recover it.
Help. I don't care what you have to say. I'm hoping for the slightest bit of inspiration. (link)
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Well, you can't let all of this weight fall on your shoulders. A relationship is a two way street, you know. SHE has to do her share of making it work. It isn't all up to you. It isn't all your fault. It isn't all your problem.
She won't hold a steady job, so the whole financial issue is half her fault.
This is a huge lesson to you and you haven't yet opened your eyes to it. A marriage has many ups and downs as well as a committed relationship. Finances playing a HUGE roll in the downs, but only because people let them. Financial problems are what causes most divorces in this country. Because people let money put a wedge between their marriage.
Lesson: Sounds to me like she is running away in the night because things are getting tough. Better to learn this now, or later in life when children are involved? Of course, best to learn this now.
You've had a hard go recently, and she bails on you.
She is going to her family because obviously support is important to her. That is not how love works, I'm sorry to tell you. :(
People in relationships have their ups and downs, but the goal is to not let the downs get to you. To be happy with one another, not with how much money you have in the bank.
You could try to go to counseling together to try to work out these issues. Without BOTH of you recognizing these problems and BOTH of you going the extra mile to work them out, then your relationship is at a dead end.
It's self defeating to say "I know it will kill us." That might be true. It might end the relationship if she leaves at this point; however, that is her choice. Her decision isn't a snap one. It's been on the horizon for a while.
YOUR choice is whether or not you try to make it work, regardless of her choices. You CAN control your own level of resentment and clinginess. Making a plan on how to address the issues in your relationship while living apart will certainly be more difficult, but it's not impossible.
You need to respect her choices and her ability to make those choices for herself. Even if she makes the wrong ones and even if you disagree. If you can't do that, your relationship is already dead.
Let her go. Keep working on yourself. You have a long way to go and you know it. If you can't do it without her, you weren't going to do it with her.
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(she's 13 im 15)
ok last night i told this girl how i felt i told her everything and she said it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to her and it made her cry and so she said she would think about it and so i talk to her today she said once again it was the sweetest thing anyone has told her and that i was an amazing guy but she doesn't feel the same way which sucks to here but im ok with that but she feels horrible about it and keeps asking if im ok does this mean she could possibly have a change of heart? (link)
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No.
More than likely, she won't. Why? Because if she doesn't feel the same way you do when you confess, shes going to cut herself off completely.
Next time, don't tell a girl how you feel until AFTER you know she feels the same way. You have to give her time to work herself up to feeling the same way.
Simply put, men are decisive. Men decide they want something, and pursue it directly. Girls don't work the same way. Girls like being pursued, but they want to want being pursued first. They want to be interested in you before you start going after them.
So what do you do?
- Smile alot. Small smiles. Practice in the mirror if you want (no shame in it, your facial expression is as much a tool for you to use as anything) and give girls small smiles. Let them know you make them smile, but don't grin too much.
- Ask girls questions. Girls love to talk about themselves, so if you act interested in them they more easily become interested in you. Listen to what a girl says. Ask her to explain things. Jump in with your own stories or comments that relate and let her talk about herself some more.
- Don't tell a girl everything you're thinking. Girls like puzzles. They like guys that they can't understand right from the start. So keep how you feel to yourself. Act interested without saying that you are. If she likes you back, its stronger because she'll be sitting there when you aren't around wondering if you like her back.
Girls think about guys more than you probably imagine. If a girl likes you, shes going to think about you alot. You want to give her more reasons to think about you. Make her smile when youre around. Try to make her laugh.
- Don't be something you arent. If you're shy, be shy, but talk to her anyway. If you're nerdy, be nerdy. Most people can tell when you're faking something, and genuine responses get you alot.
Remember, you don't want to say everything you're thinking, but you don't want to lie, either.
- Don't smother. Yeah, you might want to spend every waking minute around her. She doesn't yet. You gotta work on that. Don't call more than twice without hearing from her until the next day, leave a message. Don't text more than 2-3 times without a response. Girls can't miss you if you're always around, that includes calls, texts, and e-mails.
- Do not under any circumstances be sad without a VERY good reason.
This is a big one. Emo has been all the rage lately and everyone thinks being sad helps you out, but it really doesnt.
You want her to think you're a happy, or at least level headed person. If you're sad it should be for a specific reason that she can sympathize with. Otherwise, bury it until you've been on a few dates.
My general rule is you shouldn't be mopey, and shouldn't be upset about anything unless its something family related or something like that. Your grandmother being sick will make her want to comfort you, you being upset about something a sibling or parent did is probably going to make her wish she were something else.
Thats not to say you can't complain a little bit. One of the easiest ways people find things in common is by figuring out what they both hate. But if you tell the story about how your dad gave you a ridiculous lecture and grounded you for three weeks because you did something stupid, the story should be funny and you should only be a little annoyed about it, not upset.
Basically, if you can laugh at it, hopefully she can too. Plus funny gets you bonus points with girls.
You've got more than enough to read. I can't tell you the girl will change her mind, because they usually don't.
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I am so, so sick of everything relating to relationships. All that ever happens to me is: I like a guy, he's really cool, and then he gets a girlfriend. That's happened to me MULTIPLE times now. And it's either that, or the guy isn't as great as he seemed to be. It seems like everyone has SOMEBODY who completely amazes them, except for me. I've liked guys before, but none of them have truly amazed me (meaning, I have never been in love).
I'm not incredibly skinny, but I'm not "fat." I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I'm not ugly. I'm just your average sixteen year old girl, really, but unlike the stereotype portrays, I care about more than gossip and the way my hair looks.
I apologize for the length of this question, but I just need to know: Is it even worth trying anymore? Because whenever I find a nice guy, he either doesn't like me, has someone, or just wants to do stuff. (link)
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Welcome to the dilemma of the intelligent girl.
See, guys when theyre younger want sex. Especially those who havent had very much of it. Whats worse, is because of the culture in america, and whats popular, whats "cool and hip", everyone loves the "hook up".
How does this apply to you?
Well, all these guys are looking for what I talked about above. They think thats how relationships are supposed to start. And thats kinda incompatible with someone like you who actually wants more than a physical relationship/one time experience.
It should also be noted, that it doesnt take much to impress the kind of girl who puts out easily in high school. Really, all it takes is enough money for a date or drinks, and the right attitude at the time. Thats why you havent found anyone "amazing". You have higher standards, and most of the guys your age don't feel like bothering because its far easier to find some girl who is utterly without standards and go for her.
The good news is, things get better as you get older. It becomes easier to meet guys who themselves have high standards, because they meet high standards.
In the mean time, consider this. Relationships are NOT about being amazed by the other person. Relationships are about finding someone who has passions for the same things you do, who you like spending time with. And finding someone who's flaws you can put up with and who can put up with yours. So just go spend some time with some people. Theres nothing wrong with going out on dates if you can get them.
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Does anyone know who is asking this question but me , or is the info who i am private? Thanks :D (link)
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I can see into your very soul.
Whoever you are.
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how can you make a guy your friends with benefits with,
see you as more than that,
getting him to like you?
tthanksatonn! (link)
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Jesus, love question #296. I need a break.
Anyway,
Show interest. Tell him youd like to be more.
If he dodges, its because hes not really interested in you outside of benefits, and its time to end it.
If he seems interested, see where it goes.
Theres really no better idea than the direct approach.
Though, usually if a guy is actually interested in dating, or specifically dating you, he would be, rather than being friends with benefits. Its far more common for a guy to be a friend-without-benefits and like you and want to be more, than for a guy to be friends with benefits, like you and want the same.
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So does love happen when you are not even thinking about it. I mean I see a lot of people that have love in their life and I wonder how did they get there? Is it all really planned out or do those people look for love? I just want to know if it's ever gonna happen to me? I'm tired of waiting for mr.right. I'm starting to think that he's not real. Maybe for other girls. not for me. I dont feel right going out with all the guys i have went out with. It seems to me that no guy out there is for me. No guys seems right. Everyone is just ugh! I dont know what to do anymore. please help... (link)
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Love is an interesting animal.
Honest answer, the easiest way to find love is not to look for it.
I say this because, simply put, you are compatible with a finite number of people in the world you exist in, and if you are looking for love then you stand a much higher chance of ending up with people who you aren't really compatible with.
This happens because you keep ending up with other people who are also looking for love, and both of you are willing to settle for something less in the chance that "this might be the one"
For me, love is like finding the other half of you you didn't know you were missing. A part of your life inseparable from the other parts. Someone you cant imagine your day without, imagine going to sleep without her next to you, imagine staying up late watching Showtime series on our futon together without her, etc. etc.
She belongs. Its that feeling of right you have been searching for. And its the mutual recognition of that right.
And things like this have a way of just wandering in out of left field to smack you in the face. Every decent relationship I've ever had came along when I wasnt so lonely that I was out searching for someone to be with.
Its also worth noting that generally when you look for love, you alter your normal life to try to find it.
And by altering your normal life, you are basically changing your life to try to find people who arent really compatible with your normal life, because they arent IN it.
And I think I've said this before, but
"So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them."
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Hello, I'm 17/M, and I've been thinking. Having a girlfriend is something I'd like to experience before I graduate high school. The problem is, I have no idea who to ask out. I meet a girl I have chemistry with maybe once every two years, and the last two girls I had chemistry with turned out to both be complete bitches.
So who do I ask out if I'm in high school? One of the millions of cute girls I don't know? One of the millions of cute girls I'm friendly with? Or do I wait around for chemistry? I'd definately start asking girls out left and right, but I haven't ever dated and I don't want to try it for the first time with someone I don't feel comfortable with. (link)
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Part of the reason you date people is to find out if there IS chemistry. So yeah, Id say just find a girl that you find attractive whom you can have a conversation with and ask her out.
Think about it this way. You want to have dating experience, and you want to date people. You arent looking for "the one" right now. You're just looking for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Look for that, and let everything else flow as it will.
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Why is it that life always takes a dump on the nice guys and gives all the great shit to the assholes who dont deserve it? Im fed up with it, Im nothing but nice to people and i love being the nice, sweet guy, but why is it so hard to be happy? All these jerks get everything, why? Do i have to be an asshole to get what i want? Nice guys never get the girl... (link)
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I'm going to answer assuming that you are talking pretty much exclusively about the fact that you cant get a date and guys who you think are assholes can.
Why?
Because girls are immature. In a different way then most guys are.
In this day and age, girls don't have to look for guys with needed qualities. This isn't a day where girls in high school have to look for guys who would make good husbands, or anything like that.
So, in the absence of necessary standards, high school society created unnecessary ones. You have to look or act a certain way, be exciting to them in some way.
You, by comparison, are not as exciting. I'm not saying it to be offensive, and overall its not even a bad thing. The last thing you want to do is turn yourself into what high school thinks you should be, because once high school is over the entire social hierarchy disintegrates into nothing. You'll hit college and watch all the assholes and the girls who like them join frats and sororities and you'll laugh as you find a decent girl and date her while the other idiots pass herpes back and forth like a beach ball at graduation. If you happen to be IN college already, then just find some new girls to spend time around, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
So, having that in mind, a few tips.
If you find yourself becoming a best friend to a girl who you are interested in, stop. Girls by nature will become "just friends" with you if they can get the emotional support and care they want from you without dating you. This is known as the "friend trap" and has sucked in many a guy before you. I've been there myself. Theres nothing like hugging a girl who's crying because some asshole treated her badly and you're the one she unloads it on, and you're sitting there the whole time seething thinking "Jesus you're stupid, I'd never treat you like that"
Don't wait for girls to realize that you're interested. You're waiting too long. If you like a girl, approach her from the angle of "I'd like to date you"
Another thing, is probably confidence. Assholes are assholes because they are sure that they can get what they want without putting in much effort, and because they don't want to put in any effort at all.
While girls will lament the fact that they date guys who don't try, they still date them. Why? Because the guy is so sure that he has something to offer that the girl assumes he's right, and sticks around to try to figure it out.
You, on the other hand, probably don't have a lot of that kind of confidence. While some people just have large and unjustified amounts of it, it is something that can be developed.
Someone once told me this, and I've found it to be true. It's better to be rejected up front than to build a relationship with a girl who you'd like to date and be disappointed.
Oh, and another point. Later in life, being a nice guy becomes much more playable. In high school you have this society built on nothing except how stupid kids who don't know what they want or need. High school is NOT the real world. Dating doesn't work that way past senior year.
Later on, you will meet girls who never really wanted the bad boy in the first place. Girls who will appreciate you for who you are and be attracted to you because you aren't some brain-dead imbecile who thinks only of sex and never of the girl he is with.
The other thing is, that the "hook up" scene that gets perpetuated in college by those who couldn't let go of high school will amuse you to no end. The bad boys keep thinking they're studs because they hook up with a new girl every month. They get laid on the weekends with some girl who was too drunk to remember it all and celebrate your conquests.
You, by comparison, will meet some nice girl with a voracious appetite for sex and date her long term, getting laid daily by a girl who loves finding new ways to make you squirm.
Who do you think wins in the end, my friend?
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Is it wrong not to go out with somebody because of their religion? I like this guy, but he doesn't believe in God, and it pisses me off! I don't want to force him to believe in what I believe in, but at the same time I would like somebody to have the same views as me. I'd probably even prefer to find a boyfriend in the church. Is that wrong? (link)
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It's wrong that it pisses you off. That part of it, is selfish. You are pissed because you like him and you are in conflict because you don't think you can date him. These things happen, we aren't compatible with everyone we like.
As far as dating him, it's a valid reason. The fact is, that if your religion is important to you, it's your right as a person to be with someone to whom that is important too. Later in life, this ranks about the same as not dating a guy because you want kids and he doesn't.
The one thing you need to realize, is that this is YOUR issue, not his. So he doesn't deserve to be punished or forced if you two aren't compatible. Some people don't have a problem with things like this, other people do. Relationships are supposed to make both people relatively happy, so you have to do whatever you have to do to make yourself happy.
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Ohhkay. Where to start. I'm confused.My topic is: teenage love. What does everyone think of it?
Because all my friends, or a fair few, will have a boyfriend who they keep for a week or a month or two and they'll be from day one, "head over heels in love". Now, I for one think that's ridiculous! They're 15/16 year olds and, in particular examples, they'll have a week or two, maybe a month of I love You after they met about 2 days previously - or online or something, and then it stops.
I for one think that love can't be anything more than infatuation, but I think this has become the image of teenage love.
Now I started going out with my boyfriend 11 months ago and I knew I didn't love him at the start. It was like a 15 year old crush on both parts. I didn't admit to myself I loved him until about 5 months had passed. And even then I didn't say it verbally. Now, at 11 months I feel like I can talk about it freely with him and we've never been closer; I really can't see the end right now, even though everything inevitably ends.
But my parents seem to think that it won't last and I'm being ridiculous, wanting to see him so much. They say it won't last, although compared to my friends, me and my boyfriend are practically an old aged married couple - they say its ridiculous that tennagers can possibly even contemplate the meaning of the word 'love'. They also say that what I have is hardly a commitment or any kind of dedication even though I feel completely commited , which I will admit came with time (about a month or two, even more so now).
I just want to know - is this true? Have you ever experienced or seen 'teen love' do anything but crash and burn compared to the relationships people have when slightly older? Do you think that for some people, like me, it could last? Or is it, in your opinion also, likely to end and be forgotten about? Do you think there is more of a sense of commitment when you're more mature or an equal amount?
Thankyou! Your feedback is
VERY MUCH appreciated
Faye. (link)
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Everyone has to learn to love.
When you're young, you have short relationships. You learn what it is to feel things for people. Over time, the ability to feel and recognize those emotions matures and grows.
The level to which someone can love someone else at 15 doesnt compare to 5 years later, 10 years later. Its a shallow love. "Youre interested in me and I'm interested in you and it feels good" kind of thing. Later in life theres more commitment and feeling behind that.
Your parents are right to a degree. Rarely does teenaged love last. Why?
Because people change. You fall in love with someone, and a few years later they are a different person. And without alot of maturity its difficult to grow with your partner's changes. Adults are more formed. When you are in your 20s, you are more of who you will be for the rest of your life (infinitely more) than you are at 15-16.
Are they completely right? Can you make it work? Sure you can. Will you both want to forever? I cant say. That could change on either side.
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How do you break up with a guy without hurting his feelings? But without telling him the truth, he is bigger and i'm not physically attracted to that? We were friends before we started dating and i want to go back to being friends? Thanks!
16/f (link)
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Be honest with him.
Lying to him isnt going to do him any good. If you cant be attracted to him, as much as its going to hurt you, he deserves to know that. Because hes not going to change anything about himself that might need to be changed if you don't show him that the world is shallow and judgemental and that that affects things in his life.
The truth sucks, and yes, it will make him more cynical. But at least armed with the knowledge he might make a change that will make his life easier.
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who is my soulmate (link)
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There is no such thing as a soul mate. Love and life don't work that way.
At any given point in your life, there are people you are compatible with and capable of falling in love with.
Now, you may not meet all these people in the course of your life. Most people might only know one or two people whom they are really, really compatible with at any given time. But they are the ones you have to keep your eye out for, the ones who think like you think and who you are just as good for.
The reason love is special, is that when it comes to a life partner you get to choose. The fact that it isnt fate, that you get to pick a person and say "I choose to spend my life with you" is to me more meaningful than anything like soulmates or fate.
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I really like my bgf possibly even love him and i know he loves me. He just told me. I may be going into a serious relationship with him soon. The thing is we have an amazing friendship and bong or w/e but im not physically attracted to him. I really wish i was. Some things i like but i have had other bf's that i thought were just SO hott but hes not like that. Hes attracted to me and i turn him on and sumtimes when he says sweet things to me im turned on but not really when im with him in person or he does sumthing. im not meaning like to have sex or anything cause we def. arent planning for that! but i would just like it if i was attracted to him. its kinda saddening that im not haha. any advice? thanx!
and is 14 to young to have a serious relationship with a boy whos 15 1/2 cause we are amazingly close and have been best friends for a year+ i think it's fine if you really care about the person but i want to know what all u guys think :)
thanks and i will rate helpful advice! ;) (link)
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I just have to point out that it amuses me the "bong" instead of "bond" typo.
Attraction? Thats a fickle thing. I cant say that Ive ever become attracted to someone I wasnt attracted to off the bat.
14 isnt too young to date someone. I don't think that you will really get the impact of what a serious relationship is until later, but thats alright. You cant love someone until you learn how, and you cant learn how without experience in relationships.
If you want to give it a shot, give it a shot. He likes you, and he wants to be with you. Thats not going to change or go away on his side. If you think you could like him back, try to. Otherwise hes just going to torture himself.
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