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June 29, 2011Answers:
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< I am a Christian and I am a mother >Hello all. I am a 36 year old married mother of three boys. I have my degree in Forensic psychology and business management- human resources, I work in social services while juggling my three children and a marriage. When I originally joined this community I was excited to get back into what I love and that is helping people through listening, understanding, and guidance. However I quickly found that through my desire to help others, others are helping me. I have found my advice column beyond rewarding. I have found myself getting extremely passionate about each and every question that I read and respond to. The more the questions the greater the connection I have found between people of all walks of life, ages groups, races, gender, and religion. What I have found to be our greatest bind is love. Love for others and the love of being loved.
advice
My husband is very verbally abusive. He also will not help me with money. I lost my job a year ago and I still pay everything and he will not help. If I leave can I get finacial help through the state or county.
I am so sorry for what your husband is putting you through. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You are a human being with feelings that deserves the upmost respect. Any real man would treat you as a queen. Please no that anything less is not worth your time. You are clearly a strong woman, able to hold it down on your own and I am so glad you are taking steps to improve your situation and find the happiness you deserve.
Depending on your income you may be eligible for state assistance such as Food Stamps and medicaid. However, if you are working you will not be approved for any cash assistance. You may also be approved for low income housing depending again on your income. If you do not have children chances are you will not get ANY help.
How long have you been married? In many situations if you get a divorce you can receive alimony assuming you can prove that your husband was the main financial provider. When getting your divorce it is imparative that you show that your husband makes more than you and that you are used to a certain lifestyle. If you have any savings I would suggest pulling it out of any financial institution (bank) and keep the money in a safe place just until everything is all said and done. When appying for state assistance they will ask if you have any savings. Lets say you just filed your taxes and you get back a couple thousand well that will hurt you when figuring up your financial need.
Do you have children? If so you are in a whole other playing field one in which will most likily be very benificial to you. If you would like to send me back any additional information I will send you a step by step plan of what you need to do, how, and when.
It hurts for me to poop?
It hurts and it feels like theres a cut. When I wipe theres a little blood. The only way I can poop is when I drink some green tea. It stings. It hurts tho. I don't want a doctor looking at me down there tho. It feels like a cut, but I dont know. I have been drinking a lot of water and it hasnt helped. When I drink green tea, it makes it hurt less, but it still stings to go. What can I put on it to make it go away?
Questions for you:
Is it hard for it to come out like constipation?
If that is the case then you may have torn yourself down there while trying to push it out. Let me know if that is the case and I have some recommendations for you.
think my friend needs some serious help he has an obsession with a girl he hangs about with but she's not interested but he won't give up he insists on trying to make her love him which isn't going to happen she told him this last time they were out and he took 60 paracetemol so I was told.
He tends to lie about things as well and exaggerates on the truth to make himself look better I'm not sure what to do and he's becoming a danger to himself. The girls already cut all ties with him and isn't hanging out with him now but now he's even more obsessed.
They have never dated or had any sexual expereince what so ever with each other.
any advice would be appreciated or the name of the condition if it exists.
he is 20 years old and refuses to see a phsycologist and makes up lies about things going on his family and such whnever he knows your right to make it sound like everyone is against him.
I'm not sure the answer is to bring someone else into this situation. It sounds like your friend really does need help. How dreadful it would be if your friend were to get involved with someone in a serious relationship and they broke up. If he is acting this irrationally over a girl that has made it clear that she is not interested, think what your friend might do to someone he has an even stronger connection with. It is very hard to get psychological help for someone who is not willing to get the help or does not recognize he has a problem. However, if he is a threat to himself or to others that is another area that he MUST get help for rather he likes it or not. As his friend you could facilitate getting him into some sort of program if he indeeds is a physical threat to anyone. But if that is not the case there isn't too much you can do but continue to be a friend, make positive suggestions, and show him his irrational behavior is not going to lead him down a happy road.
Obsessive compulsive/relationship disorder
Personality disorder
17/f
My group of 4 guy friends want me to sing with them in their reggae band, and I'm soo excited because I love singing and its on my bucket list to join a band. They play a show at least once a week at local lounges, clubs, bars..etc (im going to be 18 in a month so I dont have to worry about the age). A lot of the places get pretty packed with people.
My problem, hence the title, is my terrible stage fright. I know I have a really good voice, but when I know people are listening I freak out. I was in the top choir in my school, and even when I was with 20 other people I'd get so nervous. The only reason that the kid asked me to sing is that he heard me when I thought no one else was in the room haha.
Basically, what are some tips on overcoming this fear? Any techniques of relaxation or calmness, or even voice excersizes. Any other advice is also welcome :)
Thanks!
Use your nerves to your advantage. It will allow you to concentrate all that much more. I too have extreme social anxiety but for some reason when I hit the stage it gets more focused. I have noticed the less prepared I am the more shaky my voice sounds. So be prepared is my first advice. What I do to help my nerves and I'm not sure if you are able to do this but when I am in front of a large group I look directly at them. I have found looking your audience in the eye actually makes them feel just as nervous as you. But you will also make a connection with them and bring them into the emotions of the song you are trying to convey. But, when I look them in the eye I have a way of making them look blury to me. (sounds weird probably) but that way it's almost like they disapear.
My last comment which should definately ease your mind; the venues you are going to perform at will be filled with people drinking alcohol. They are going to think you are awsome regardless if you sing beautifully or horribly which I know won't be the case but just think about that. They will love you!
You will do GREAT! Be prepared and have a blast. This is a great opportunity, don't let your nerves get the best of you and you'll be awesome.
Once you get famous I want my shout out girl, don't forget the little people. lol Please send me a link to one of your performances if you can. I would love to hear some great reggae.
Is 20 too young to move in with someone? I am about to get my bachelor's in a few months, I have a job with which I can support myself,and with a year or two more of experience there it will easily become a career. I live on my own, and I've been best friends with the guy for a year and a half. He is 25, is financially stable, has money saved up for a future family, he is responsible, lives on his own as well.
We haven't really talked about it much, but is it weird for me to want to settle down so young? There's no job I want more than to be a mother and wife. I would love to be a stay at home mom, and then work part time once the kids start school. Obviously, if my husband can't support the family while the kids are still too young to start school, I can work as well too, but the first alternative would obviously be the ideal because I'm not too keen on daycares.
Is it strange that I thought this all through? I don't want to rush into things, I want to start with moving in together first for a year or two, and seeing how that goes. Then getting engaged and married and all that (I don't really believe in long engagements, if I am going to agree to marry someone I would be ready to marry him that very second). I'm not a big fan of weddings either.
This man and I have survived through a ton, more than most relationships go through in such a short amount of time. Where most relationships fall apart, we stayed strong (but of course we had many fight and disagreements along the way, it hasn't been perfect, the important thing we resolved them and moved on).
Is this weird? Should I tell my man that my dream is to be a wife and mother? Right now he's working hard to save up money for the kids he plans to have, so I feel that its something he may appreciate hearing, but I don't want to freak him out by telling him I want this now (I want it in 3-5 years). And I know he doesn't want that right now either, he doesn't feel financially ready.
Any personal stories on how you took your relationship to the next level? I feel like the man should be the one who decides when that will happen, but will hinting ruin things? I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him, because I know that with him that's the worst way to go about things.
Sounds like you have a great head on you shoulders. You seem very intelligent and full of life with excellent dreams and goals. As a married mother of three young boys and a stay at home mother I encourage you to WAIT WAIT WAIT on marriage and children. You are only 20 you have yet to experience life. You are finally getting in the position as you stated to have a good job, your degree, and freedoms of an adult. Don't give up your freedoms quite yet. Travel, go out with friends, try out new activites or things you always thought about doing. You have plenty of time to settle down but once you have your family there is no turning back. Your focus will be solely on the children and while that sounds great in reality you will be so exhausted it will be hard some days to even fathum why you had children to begin with. Trust me, there is no sleep, no time for even a shower. Don't get me wrong it can be wonderful but now is not the time. You are young PLEASE enjoy your youth. I don't see anything wrong with youi moving in with your friend, sounds like a good guy but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE use birth control EVERYTIME. I am 31 years old with a 1, 2, and 4 year old boys I am sOOOOO tired. I love my boys to death and wouldn't change it for the world but life is hard, physically, emotionally, and FINANCIALLY.
Quite honestly YOU are a GREAT catch. You seem intelligent you are young, getting your degree, you have a job , your own place, and no children. Anyone would be lucky to have you, so don't sell yourself short. Weigh all your options and don't jump into anything permemnant. But I can tell you're bright enough to figure this all out as you enjoy life. Good luck and have fun!
If a friend ( a person who claims to be a friend) is terrible about returning phone calls or email. How often should one contact them until they do? Actually for fear that they may never call at all. Would it be proper to avoid them completely and just let them do the contacting and risk the friendship?
The only people you need in your life are those that prove they need you in theirs.
What foods or some drinks(no meds) will make me poop a lot
Do you know whats causing you to be backed up?
Apple juice always does the trick, cheap, simple, and tasty
I normally use a all natural shampoo, and after i use that i dont have any dandruff. The next morning i wake up, and my head just feels super itchy and oily. I do have eczema, (runs in family) but it only shows up on some of my face next to my nose but i have a natual oil that clears it up in 2 days easily. Im not sure if this is possible but i think i might have eczema on my scalp too. Iv used head and shoulders clinical strength dandruff shampoo, and it doesnt help at all. I was thinking about going and buying selsen blue dandruff shampoo. Does anyone have any ideas of what i could do?
selsen blue sound like a good idea- worked for me.
Do you color your hair at all? That will cause dry scalp. Flakes from your head or more likily not dandruff believe it or not. Just as your skin gets dry so does your scalp. Try to lay off of all styling/color products if you can. You could try an all natural conditioning treatment as well.
i'm 17 weeks pregnant .. i have a girls name but no idea for a boys name .. any ideas ?? not too common though :)
thanks in advance
How about Roman or Malachi?
They have strong biblical meanings and they are not too common but not unheard of.
Well I am 13. I am a girl. No this is not period cramps because first I dont them and this isnt where I would get my cramps so dont suggest it is my period. I have this weird pain in my belly button. It was a lot worse yesterday. It hurts when I move, bend, stretch, and laugh. Its like in my belly button (I am an innie, dont know how to spell that)and in a thin line around it. It hurts to touch. Yesterday when it was a little worse I looked at it and it was kinda pinky red but not swollen. I tried looking it up but all I found were people asking about their gross pussy belly buttons and apendicitis. So please help do you have any idea what this is?
I think you have a hernia. Do you play sports or have you been lifting heavy objects?
Does it hurt simply to brush your clothes across your belly button?
Definately go to the doctor either way it goes.
Is it ok to love your cousin? I dont mean everyday love love i mean like in love with him?Would I ever be able to have a normal relationship with him?
It is perfectly fine to love your cousin. I doubt you could ever have a lasting relationship with them because of society. Many find it wrong but it's only considered wrong originally because sex was supposed to be for reproduction. You put your child at risk of hvaing genetic defects when procreating with relatives. But if you notice years ago the royal family only married within their family. It wasn't until modern science found a link between retardation and sex among relatives that emphasis on incest was made.
Side question: do you think your attraction or desire to be with your cousin is sort of based on it being taboo? If thsi wasn't your cousin would you still be as attracted or is it the excitement of doing something "wrong".
Well ok long story short im married, and both my husband and i are lookin to find another female partner to help us spice up the bedroom, im all for it and he says he is aswell but im just not convinced and am worried that if we go ahead with it a few months or years down the track he is going to turn around and throw it back in my face, we have talked and talked about it but i still feel since it was my idea in the first place he is just more or less going along with it so not to dissapoint me, is there any way that i can really be sure that he does want it as much as i do??? any advice would b great plz.
Trust and believe he wants it just as much as you but he may have the same fears as you do. Before you were married is this something you did? I'm not sure adding another persoan is the best idea. What if "heaven forbid" something goes wrong and the other girl ends up pregnant. What then???
I think it's just a big gamble. If you have questions about this now, you will have incredible questions and fears later. Example: was she better than me, is she coming around when I'm not there, now that he has a taste of something different will he continuously seek out more.
If you have never done it DON'T.
Final answer Don't do it. He can watch you fool around with a girl but he can not get involved. How about that?
34/F
I am deciding whether to let my friend go. I’ve felt I don't wish to be her friend for over a year, however we have been friends since the 1st day of highschool and I do love her. I just feel like she is a huge drain on me and I always feel worse (stressed, sad, no energy) after talking to her or seeing her.
She was studying and working for a long time, and so I would always be the one making time for her, going through to see her, phoning at times that were convenient for her. Lately she’s had some big news (moving home, pregnancy), and again I’m the one making all the compromises.
I know I need to accommodate her but she has now said I can't email her because she doesn't have time to reply, and when I try to phone she doesn't pick up. I can't arrange a time to see her if we can't communicate. My last email to her (2 days ago) suggested 3 possible time slots for a phone call. She hasn’t replied. I’ve done this before (suggested times to call) but she hasn’t responded to these requests.
Lately when I do get to talk to her, she adds to the pile of stressors in her life, citing medical problems and more. She is a liar by nature and I now wonder if she is saying these things to gain my sympathies? It reeks of Victim Complex/Histrionic Personality Disorder, but obviously I can’t say this on the off-chance that it is all true. Her issues are vague, like ante natal depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, spastic colon - all "non-provable" things. The latest is that she has a "bad heart" or something.
I have told her I will speak to her in 6 weeks as I am too busy to chase her down for a phone call, but she has sent me petulant text messages, wondering whether I am as busy as I say I am (I really am!). She has become this huge, negative influence in my life but it is not easy to end it. My mother says I should protect & fight for my female friends as they will be there for me in the future like no-one else will.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments.
OMgosh I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts. I have a cousin that I grew up with almost like sisters. She's always been a lier for no reason WHATSOEVER! She's always "going through so much" RIGHT!!! SHe used to be a drain on my life but lately as you stated she's become distant.I think these people really need help. I think we (normal people) try to understand why they act as they do but the bottom line is I don't think they know why they act as they do. My cousin however has since become involved with another girl who is the same way. I couldn't handle one and now I'm certainly not going to deal with both of them so I've moved on. They always come around when they need something and I'm always there but it gets old. We don't have time for this and their games. Lets go on with our lives.
20/f
I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. I married him when I was 16. I know that I was too young to make a choice like that, but we were so In love. Everything was great until we got married after that he changed. It was like he had decided that he already had me so there was no reaso to try anymore. this june 22 was our 4 year wedding anniversary, we have two children our son is 3 and our daughter is 1. We both love our children very much, but I feel like our love for each other is slipping away. I have not been happy for a long time. He makes me feel so ugly and unwanted. But I am afraid to leave him. I have been with him since I was 15. I went from living with my mom to living with him. I have never lived on my own before. I am afraid that I cant do it on my own. I dont have a license to drive, I never had a job before, and I dont have a place to go. So I feel traped. I love him but like you would love a family member I dont think I love him romanticly anymore. He always puts me down like for instance we have not had sex in a very long time I dont even know when we had sex last, and I always come on to him and try to turn him on but he never wants it. So the other day I asked him why he doesnt want to have sex anymore and he said that sometimes he does get in the mood but then the thought of having sex with me turns him off and he doesnt know why. That hurt me so much. How pathetic and ugly am I if my own husband doesnt want me. I feel so alone all the time. I want to stay because I am afraid I cant make it on my own and I am afraid to be alone. But I want to leave because I feel unloved and he makes me feel ugly and He is very mean and aggressive with me. What should I do? Can anyone help me?
First my main concern is your comment: " mean and aggressive with you". I am hoping this is not physical but any form of aggessiveness is non productive and harmful for your mariage. If he is indeed physically harming you, this is definately something you need to get out of right away. Please do not wait until it's too late. PLEASE
However, if that is not the case I really feel now is the time to think about yourself and the happiness and wellbeing of your children. I know it's way easier said then do but you can make it. If he is a great father please don't use the children to get back at him. Although many mothers do ultimately your children will suffer and blame you as they get older.
My own experiences; "it takes one nail to drive out another". What that means for me is if you open yourself up to be loved by others the love will come and your feelings will vanish for those that don't appreciate you. Unfortunately we all make decisions as young people and in hind sight we wonder why. I think because you married so young yoiu never got to experience life. You have no idea what other guys are out there and have to offer you. You must know that you are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why waste who you are on someone too ignorant to accept and love all that you are? Life is too short to be unhappy.
First things first, tell your mom for the safety of you and the happiness of your children would it be ok if you came back temporarily. Then apply for food stamps establish visitation/ child support and look for work or go to college. You can get free daycare assistance and then save up money and eventually you can make it on your own. It won't be easy. It won't be fast but you will be so proud of yourself and your babies will too. Knowing their mommy did all she could to make a good life for them. Believe me, you can do it and on your way I bet you'll find a wonderful man that loves and appreciates you for you and will treat you as a queen in which every woman should be.
Is it normal to pretend you're pregnant? I don't want to actually be pregnant until I'm married, but I'm always curious what it is like. Thanks.
You are headed down a non productive road. There is no need for this. Trust me pregnancy is HARD. You have no idea what you are in store for. Enjoy your youth, freedom and gain a sense of who you are before you thik if bringing others into this world. Once you're with children, there are no turing backs. Forget about stopping at the gas station- you will be lugging heavy babies in and out of a ice cold day slipping and sliding your way into the door. Just for a second to pay for your gas. The inconvience. This is the easy part.
What does it mean if a boy is ashamed of a girl he is dating or with?
There isn't much to think of someone in this situation. But, I would encourage the girl to get out. She deserves someone who is proud of her in every way. How dreadful to settle for someone who is embarassed to be with you? There are so many people out there, why waste your time with this?
I'm just turning 15 and have been living alone with my mother for 3 years now. We live only on my 600 dollars a month (which is mine because my dad died in 2008) but I never see/get any of the money. Also, she constantly leaves me home alone, all night, so I fend for myself. I have to ask repeatedly for personal necessities and rarely ever get them, my friends and their parents normally get them for me. She smokes A LOT so I am stuck in the smoke filled trailer all day, even with my constant case of bronchitis because of it. And she refuses to stop smoking to help my health. I'm always sick but never get to go to the doctor because she says "It costs too much. You're fine." The two months prior to this month (April and May of 2011) she gambled my 600 dollars away so every day I came home from school, I didn't know where "home" would be. And that's not the first time she has ever done it either. Actually, to be honest, I'm not comfortable around my mom or her boyfriend. I literally hate both of them. I know that's a lot to say, but I do. I would much rather live with a close family friend who has already said she would take me in. I just don't know how to approach this process. I want to be taken care of and feel like I'm loved, not just left home, I'm tired of it. So anyway, I would like some advice on: 1) If I'm right to not want to live with my mother and 2) how to begin the process of leaving her. I thank anyone who responds to this question.
--Sincerely, Me
First let me tell you that you are clearly a very intelligent girl. You do not deserve what your mother is putting you through. She obviously doesn't care much for herself or she wouldn't be putting her habbits and boyfriend ahead of her own daughter. One great thing I see here is that her lack of love has not affected the love I feel through your letter. You are a wonderful person and I know you are going to do great and acheive all your dreams and goals. You just have to push through this hurdle.
Ok, my question for you is, if you were to ask your mom if you can move in with the close family friend would she be ok with that? If not perhaps you could ask in a round about way. Maybe first you ask to spend the night and let one turn into two and then a week and so forth. From what I read she's probably not going to let go of the money you recieve from your death benifits so if you bring up money you might have another issue on your hands that will only make things worse for you. If at all possible I would just stay away from that subject and see if the family friend would be willing to cover your expenses until to get a part time job to help out. But I would ask if you could stay free of charge because it's hard to juggle school and work but it can be done.
I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Hang in there and things will get better. Please let me know how you are doing.
17/f so im pregnant obviously and i went to the doctor and they gave me pills that is going to slow down my babys heart beat and than im going to get the abortion operation. the dad of the baby is this guy that ive been going out with off and on for 2 years. he was my first and i love him. but we recently had a falling out and he doesnt know any of this. i tried to tell him one time that i was pregnant but he gave me a freaked out look so i said just kidding. i dont know what to do or if i should tell him again? or if he even cares. please help
Please reconsider. You don't want an abortion I can hear it in your question. You refer to it as "my baby". Thats right, thats your innocent baby who needs you. You are just scared but it will be ok I promise as a mother of a 1, 2, and 4 year old baby boys. When your baby grabs your finger with their tiny little hand. . .
You can make it. It may not be easy but there is a lot of help out there. Go ahead and tell the father. It is his responsibility as well. He can help in the worry and stress and enjoy in the love of your beautiful creation sent from God.
How do I get over him when I don't feel my love for him is wrong, when I don't feel it should be a reason for any of his family members to dislike me???
I've been open about my feelings. He doesn't like me - not the way I like him - but I've told his wife I love her husband. She said she appreciates my honesty.
I did not want to be looking in her face, having feelings for her husband and feel like a hypocrit...Say "Hi" to her, wishing i was hugging her man.
Why don't I see anything wrong in having feelings for him? Am I supposed to feel like i am commiting a crime or something??? 'Cause if I am, I am not.
I want him to be MY MAN. I want him emotionally and sexually. I want to love him forever, BUT I do not ever want to be his wife, don't want to steal his wife's place - i remember all too well the suffering my father put my mother through - do not want to cook, clean, wash, iron...do not dream of becoming a housewife.
I am madly in love with a married man. Am I supposed to be feeling guilty? SHOULD ONE FEEL GUILT EVEN WHEN THEY ARE LOVING???
You obviously know the answer but are looking for any sort of justification. As someone who has been on both sides of this situation I must tell you for the married couple's sake and for your own you should just move on. Whatever you think you have with him you can have with plenty of other available men. Marriage is hard wnough without another person's feelings involved. If you truly care about this guy let him do right by his wife and possible family. He made a commitment with her and you don't want that so why interfere. It's just selfish on your part. Trust me the grass is always greener. I had a man leave his wife and do you know the momment he was "mine" I didn't want him anymore and to top it off his wife ended up dying. WOW!! Now that I am married with children I feel terrible for what I put his wife through. Think about it. That kinda love is not divisible and you will be the odd man out.
I'm a 15 year old girl and I feel fat basically. Yeah, I know I sound like most girls my age but the thing is I know I'm not fat, if that makes sense.
My family often crack jokes about me being fat because I'm a size 12 verging on a size 14, but they always deny it afterwards.
I'll accept this and often laugh it off though I'll later find myself analyzing what they've said and agreeing with it.
I eat way more than I should anyway but sometimes I only do it cause I'm bored. Like I'll just be sitting around doing nothing in particular and then I'll think of food and all of a sudden I have to have it and I will go eat.
I don't exercise often due to the fact that I'm quite lazy and I'm asthmatic.
Sometimes I'll tell myself in my head that I'm fat and that that's why guys don't want to date me. But the thing is it's not a little voice in my head, it's me and I can control it but I don't, I just do it anyway.
Then recently my siblings have being going on about how I need thinspiration and how I should be thinspiration on what not to look like cause I'm so fat.
Occasionally I'll consider making myself sick just to lose weight but then I back out because I think 'what if someone heard/found me?' and also because I know how much damage doing that does to your body and teeth.
The other advice I agree with 100% however, you must consider the future. As you get older it becomes easier to gain weight for several reasons: slower metabolism, decrease in physical activities, pregnany and life's stressors. So, I would recommend trying your best to stay active. Don't worry so much about how much you are eating but more on enjoying life getting out there to swim, bike ride with friends, play basketball etc. You'll be fit and in great health and still loving your favorite foods.