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July 9, 2005

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June 15, 2019

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about

I'm an 29 year old guy.
I'll always do my best to give well considered and sincere advice - give me your best shot. P.S. Don't be afraid to ask me private questions, I rarely spend a lot of time answering non-private questions.

o.o There is apparently a FORUM for me if you would like to talk about random non-advice stuff. Take off your shoes!

advice

hey!
have you ever throught about opening up a chatroom where people can talk to other people directly? i think that this would really make a brilliant site to an awsome site. hope to hear from you soon? lucee xx

There already is one, evident by the other people who've already blasted you for it (sorry), I'm not sure that it really does much though. I've never been in on one of the "scheduled chats", but the few times I have been in that room, nobody's been there. It's a great way to waste time.
The way this system works is like email, and when you respond to email it's a lot more time-efficient because there are questions waiting to be answered, rather than you waiting in a chat room doing nothing, hoping somebody with a problem that you're able to solve will come along.

-K

There's this talent show coming up and I want to sing in it. I've been singing for a long time in a choir and I've been very well-trained, but one thing is that I'm worried about. I don't know whether I have a good voice. When I listen to myself singing I think I sound good, but I recorded myself on a tape recorder (mind you, not the professional kind). It sounded too horrific to describe in words. And I know it's not because I'm not trained/have no vocal technique/straining/no breath control and/or not breathing correctly/no support/whatever, because I am none of those things. It's just the sound of my voice. I heard that tape recorders don't record accurately and everyone things they sound bad on a recorder, but I'm still worried that I have a bad voice. At the talent show, it would be very embarassing if everyone thought I had a terrible voice and no one has the gut to tell me, so I need to know before this happens. Is there any other way I can find out what I really sound like without expensive professional tools? I don't want to go to my friend and say "Let me sing for you and tell me if I'm good or not" because I can never know whether my friend is being honest or just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Any ideas? Sorry this was long, but I need help.

Isn't there like an audition to get into the talent show?? If there isn't, then go to your choir teacher, and tell them that you'd like to sing, but you don't know if your voice is suited to solo-singing (Some people sound good in a choir, but don't sound good alone, and the other way around) They'll probably hop on the piano and give you a personal audition, and then tell you whether or not they think you should go into the talent show.
As for microphones... Are you the one from the earlier question with a $40 tape recorder?
I have a $100 one, and it makes everyone sound like they're from Mars. Professional microphones (Like the one that you hope they would have at the talent show) don't change your voice so much that if you sound good when people hear you without one, that you don't after going through one.
If you were still very worried about going through a microphone and speakers, then you could always get the audience very quiet, and project your voice so that it was loud enough without one. That could give you extra kudos for clarity, and if you did it properly would be pretty likely to impress the audience.

-K

alright so i have liked this boy for a while and he knows and he has been giving me mixed signals lately. and i dont know if he likes me or not..so maybe you can help. so a couple of days ago we were all hanging out and me and my friend sam were sitting across from eachother and he comes over and is like move over to me. and everytime i sat down he would sit next to me.Like once we were sitting on a bench and i was between my friend sam and mark . And he was like mark move over when he could have sat next to mark. Than he told his friend that we were going out . But we werent? it was wierd. So yeah we were hanging out but towards the end of the night he kinda ditched me almost and hung out with 2 other girls . and thats when i got confused. So does he like me, is he leading me on, or what?! and what do i do? ILL RATE HIGH FOR GOOD ANSWERS! thanks for reading this

Hey,
It would have been kind of helpful to know what age you and the guy are, because the way people flirt changes a lot with age.
If the guy has been making an effort to do things like sit next to you, then he obviously likes you. The caution I would give, is to ask why he likes you. From the other things that you mentioned, such as telling his friend you were going out, and the night he semi-abandoned you, I would be very careful around this guy.
Being a guy, and being a traitor, I am inclined to reveal the dastardly truth that many guys are complete dogs.
"Players" is the more commonly used term. Some of these guys are intelligent enough to play with emotions, lie, and generally manipulate situations in order to mislead people. In short, most of the time these guys are out to screw you, and then dump you. If they think the girl they've done this to is stupid enough, or vulnerable to it, they will play a yo-yo type game with her emotions, and she might end up being taken in by him several times.
The reason I'm explaining this is that nearly all of your guy's actions that you have described are possible indicators of being a player. In making Mark move over to sit down next to you, he was being passively agressive towards another guy who he thought might be getting close to you. He was in one way, expressing to you his superiority over your friend. That means being near you isn't enough for him, that he has to be the centre of attention, the most important guy there, which is the way players want to be. Telling his friend that you were going out with him is similarly a mark of arrogance, and almost as if he's laying claim on you before you actually accepted his advances. How did you find out about it anyway? Are you sure it wasn't just an extra draw-card to make you think he wanted to know you?
The last thing you mentioned - that he abandoned you for a few other girls. Doesn't that seem strange? This is the one thing I am going on in my assumption that the guy is a player. As I'll explain later, the other two things could be differently interpreted, but abandoning you for other girls is bad, very bad. It signals that he didn't find you interesting, or engaging enough to stay with. He thought he had better chances with those two girls, so he left you.

As I always say, you're the one who has to judge the situation, because I don't know nearly half of what's gone on. Making your friend move could just be his way of flirting with you, and even telling his friend that you were going out could be his way of wishing you were going out with him. Somehow I don't think so though. I'm not saying he might not be an ok guy, but be very careful about him.

-K

Hey guys,
I already asked a quesion a while ago about Valentines Day. I really don't know what to get my best friend Daniel. I'm wanting to get him a stuffed animal off of this one site, but I'm having a hard time picking between all 4 bears I like. I was wondering if anyone would like to go to the site and look at the bears I'm choosing from to maybe get him, and tell me what one you like the best. I can't really decide, so if anyone wants to look at the bears I really like they are on www.bandannabear.com-I like the 2 bears in the very first row and the 2 bears in the fourth row. Those are the ones I'm choosing from to get him. If noone wants to do this, it's alright. By the way I am 15/f and he is 14/m turning 15 on the 31st of this month. He is very sweet and mature for his age. He lives in a different state, and I plan on meeting him as soon as I can save up enough money for me and my mom because she wants to go too. We've been talking now for over 6 months and aren't going out yet. We consider ourselves going out though. We already sent each other gifts for Christmas. Someone help me out if you want! If not, it's alright. I love everyone on this site anyway! Thank you so much!

The first one in the first row, but I think you could do better if you shopped around. It's cute, but not quite cute enough ^.-
For Valentines day it's could also be nice to do a hand-made card. Valentine was actually a guy, so giving a guy a card asking "will you be my valentine?" is actually more approproate than what usually happens (The guys asking the girls)

-K

when you ask questions and you see 1 answer that is totally dif. from the others do you automatically think its wrong and rate it low without looking into it more?

ex: so person asked if fruit made you fat? and i said it did.. that is exactly what my doctor told me because it does contain alot of calories and really isnt good if you have weight problems.. yes its better than candy but there are still better things

but anyways. everyone else said no. and really they are wrong.. you gain weight from eating basically anything.. and not even investigating my answer i was rated a 1..

how do react when you see that 1 answer that is dif?

know i know that some yes are really obviously wrong
but seriously how do you know if those other like 10 people are right or not?

Just because an answer is different it doesn't mean it's wrong. The different answers often come from the people who have an completely different, and sometimes incredibly valuable viewpoint. In your case, I don't really see any reason they they should have rated you down. If you were polite and you gave the best answer you could then the least they could have done is refrained from rating you if they thought you were wrong.

One little thing; Fruit will only make you fat if you don't burn it off. It's the same with anything. If you put something in, you have to do the generic old "in/out" equation. Fruit is a lot better for you than most processed foods though.

If you look at several angles of any question that is asked on here, you will often be able to offer a point of view that does not say yes or no, but offers a more useful knowledge in your answer. Most of the time people don't lynch you for that, although there are the odd few.

-K

okay i didnt no what to put this under,

im a female and i have hairs around my bum hole, i dont mean light small ones i mean long dark ones and lots of them

would it be dangerous to shave them because im embarrassed of when i have sex and my bf see's them!

what can i do?

hi,

It would almost certainly be dangerous to shave anywhere on your bum with the kind of shaver (I suppose you would have to use a razor) that is capable of cutting close enough to get rid of the hairs. You could use a safety razor (An electric shaver with sort of dull blades) to cut them short, but that wouldn't be a complete fix.

My suggestion is to go to a beauty clinic where they deal with hair-removal professionally. There is absolutely no way they won't have seen a million other girls with the same problem as you, so there's no way you should feel ashamed about it. If anyone you knew saw you go in, you could just lie and say you were having a bikini-job or whatever.

The other option is to buy an electic hair-removal device. I'm not really sure where you get them from, but they're specially designed to remove hair from anywhere. They send an electrical pulse through the hair which causes the folicle to release it, and then close up once it's gone. Basically, that means you use the thing, the hair comes out easily, and doesn't grow back very fast.
Then again, I've got no idea how much of that is utter bullcrap, so I would really suggest a professional salon.

-K

Heylo. I just got out of a 9month relationship about 3 days ago. I haven't eaten anything in 2 days and a half. I don't have any eating disorders. I'm already underweight as it is. I dont know what to do. I've tried eating but I get so nauseous. I've puked about 6 times already. I tried soup, ice cream, salads, hot meals..and it makes me so sick.
Any foods that you suggest I try? I'm starving..but the food I usually eat...taste HORRIBLE and i cant keep it in my stomach. How long can you go without eating (but you're drinking water) before you get really sick?

Hey,

If you haven't managed to keep anything down since you broke up then it's probably not anything to do with what you eat. It sounds a lot like you're just nauseous because you're out of (I would hazard a guess) your first relationship, and you're feeling really screwed up about it.
I think it's probably a good idea to talk to a close friend (Or if you don't have a close enough friend, ask us...) about breaking up with your boyfriend (Forgive me if it's a girlfriend). It would have been kind of useful to know what age and gender you are when answering this.

Eat very small amounts, as the previous person said. I'll bet eating a palm-full of cereal wouldn't make you nauseous if you ate it, and then pretended you hadn't. When you're eating, try to think about something nice. Maybe a focus-object would be useful. The only way you're going to get over being nauseous when you eat is not to think about the thing which you believe has cause you to be in the first place.

Then again, perhaps I'm wrong. If you really seriously cannot keep anything down, there could be something that went physically wrong with your body, and just by co-incidence, happened at the same time as you were breaking up.
If you can't keep food down soon, then definitely go see a doctor, and if you can't get an appointment fast enough, make them take you in at emergency. I don't think it's easy to die from not eating, but you can have some pretty nasty things happen to your health in a very short time.

Hope your stomach settles down soon,

-K

My mother is in town for a week; she lives out of state. I'm staying in a small hotel room with her for the time being. Normally, I live with my dad about 5 miles away from this hotel.

Because of the tiny size of the hotel room, I hear all of her conversations. All of them are the same...I swear I've heard her give the same whiny speech to 10 different people about her friend making her angry, me making her angry, and of course, my dad making her angry.

A new court battle has been opened up with them, even though they've been divorced for 10 years. It never ends. You'd think I'd know by now how to approach this, but I have no idea how to go about telling her that I don't know how much more I can hear about my dad being a horrible person. He could be one in this situation, but he is still my dad, and if he had even said half of this stuff about my mom he definitely would have heard it from me by now.

My mom and I have been fighting a lot though... I will be the first to admit I haven't been the kindest person; I've been very irritable. There's that, plus the fact that I know she'll automatically get defensive and say I'm taking his side if I ask her to stop saying these things about him to people while I'm in the room, even though any psychologist or person on the street would definitely agree with me that one parent is not supposed to trash talk the other around the child.

I don't think trying to talk to her about this will work- like I said, I know how she'll react already and it will just increase the tension... Anyone have any suggestions anyway? Or should I just bite the bullet and listen to all of this BS until she leaves in a few days and not do anything?

Hi,

Your mother sounds a little like mine :) Except half of the time mine is speaking French far too loudly, which is almost more annoying, like it interferes with your hearing English.
So you're stuck in a small hotel room with her, and she's on the phone a lot. She keeps repeating a very similar, and to you, somewhat offensive conversation. Along with that, you don't think talking to your mother will work, because she'll see that as siding with your father and just put up the mental "I'm not listening to a word you're saying" recognition barrier... and then add a sentence on to her phone call perhaps.

I'm probably going to suggest the wrong thing first, because you sound like an intelligent person, and I can't imagine why you wouldn't have already considered it. Get out of the room?
Try and think up things to do. If your father lives only about 5 miles away then do you have some friends in the area? Maybe you could ask your mother if you can have the phone for a while, and after you're done, go do something with them.
Oh, spontaneous idea. Ask if you can have some phonetime, then phone up some friends (you'd have to figure out what you were going to say beforehand, sneakily) and then show your mother what it's like to have the same conversation about her annoying you, and how you know that your father "could" be a horrible person in this situation, but he's still your father, and it distresses you to hear over and over about what a bad guy he is.
That one's your call. I don't know your mother, but it's worth a try if she tends to learn by example.

Ok, I've got one last option. It involves talking to your mother. But I did read your question, so this is how it goes. She has to know you're on her side. You -are- on her side, but you just don't think that your father deserves to have so much said behind his back about him, and you also don't particularly like the way your mother is openly slandering him in front of you. The trick is not to talk to her about it directly. If you do, then she will just stop listening, and you obviously know that.
The next time you hear your mother talking about how bad a man he is, try to get her attention, I don't know whether interrupting her calls is so bad or if she's a "Can't you see I'm on the phone" kind of person. Maybe it's best to wait until after, but anyway. The next time she makes a call, go talk to her afterwards. The topic I would go for is how distressed it makes her thinking about it. That way, perhaps you could convince her that by repeating her conversation so often on the phone, maybe she's just stressing herself out more. Don't directly discuss whether or not your father IS bad, make it about her, and how she shouldn't be 'wasting her time' talking about it and stressing about him over the phone.
If you did want to get out and do stuff, maybe you could take your mother. It could improve things between you, and it would mean that she wouldn't be talking on the phone the whole time you were out.

I've only really answered the short term question of "stuck in a room" because that seemed to be the emphasis of your dilemma, but if the relationship between you, your mother and your father becomes problematic, feel free to ask me a private question.

-K

ok, well, forgive me for my stupidity. but i am confused about IPods and MP3 Players, how do you get music on to them? for IPods, does it matter if you have a windows computer?
basically, can anyone teach me about them? lol
either on here, or my screen name is noembertragedyx

haha, 5 for help, thanks.

You usually put music onto IPods through a USB cable connected to your computer. Your computer has to be new enought to support USB. Most computers have USB, but if you've got an old clunker you'll need to check. The transfer is assisted by iTunes. iTunes is a program available for Windows, and Macintosh computers. You should be able to connect an iPod to either a Windows, or Macintosh computer, and transfer music from your computer to your iPod.
The iPod plays MP3s. I guess that makes it an MP3 player. It can do several other things depending on the model you get though. It plays several other formats of music, such as AAC, which is -apparently- higher quality sound than MP3, although only slightly.
You can also get multi-function MP3 players of other kinds which are not iPods. Most MP3 players will play other formats, and many will allow you to use them as 'flash memory' (Kind of like a USB floppy disk).
So simply; the iPod is an MP3 player, with extra features.

-K

many talented singers take voice lessons to improve their already decent voice. however, do people who don't have a good voice at all ever take voice lessons? would this help improve a voice at all. I am not just saying this, I really do not have a good voice, I can't hit any notes or stay in tune. I know you are probably thinking "I am sure her vpice is OK, but honestly it is not one of my strong points. I know I have other strengths and talents, but I am basically an awful singer. I am not looking to be transformed into an amazing famous singer or anything, but I would like to have a decent voice so I am not embaressed to sing out loud! Do you know anyone like me that has ever taken voice lessons? Would they at all help someone who has vritually no singing talent? Is it worth it, and would it improve me a little? Or do voice teachers expect only to work with people who are already okay at singing? I would also be embaressed to go to a professional...someone who can sing so well! Any comments or advice? Thank You!

To keep it simple; Practise makes (erm) better.
Vocal teachers are there to help whoever pays them to improve their voice.
Going to the right one will almost definately help you. Depending on how well you listen, and adapt to their teaching then it could be fairly instant, or it could take a long time. If it takes too long for you then find excuses not to sing :)

-K

I finally persuaded my mom to let me bleach my hair. I want to get it dyed 3 unnatural colors in certain places...Do you bleach your hair first and wait a few days until you dye it? Or can you just dye it after you bleach it?

If you use peroxide then you shouldn't need to wait before you dye it.

-K

Glad to see that you're back. One day I found your column and I sat here and read the whole thing. You give GREAT advice. I have a question I'll toss your way too. It's a really difficult situation and it's okay if you can't come up with a solid answer. I'm 19/f and I'm a sophmore in college. This time last year I started my first relationship with someone that my parents disapproved of. He's a year older than me and he's a great guy. I'm still with him (we'll be engaged pretty soon I think) and I couldn't be happier...except my family hasn't supported me in anything since I started dating the guy. They decided that they couldn't trust me anymore and that he was changing me. They harassed him and mentally abused me. I went to college 8 hours away from my boyfriend, but when I was home we lived only 30 minutes apart. My parents wouldn't let me see him and kept trying to force me to break up with him. They wouldn't get me a car for my birthday so I wouldn't be able to drive and see him. All my life they had told me that they would support me in anything I did and as long as I did my best that was good enough for them. I got a 3.0 in college and they told me that wasn't good enough. I decided that I didn't like the college situation I was in (people or academic program) and I wanted to transfer to a different college that was half the price and had the perfect program for me. My parents blew a gasket and told me that the reason for this was because I would be closer to my boyfriend. I actually know what I want for my future now and this year I am at the college that I want to be at and am extremely happy here. That didn't come without a price though. The final straw was when they forbid me to work my summer job as a camp counselor. I decided that I needed to get out of my house. I moved in with a friend for a few weeks and then moved in with my boyfriend because of transportation issues. I don't have a car and had no convenient way to get to work other than with him. In my absence my parents began opening my mail, refusing to send it to me, sending me nasty e-mails, throwing guilt trips at me, not supporting me financially, sending other people to talk to me for them, telling different people different things...the list goes on. I haven't seen my parents since I went to get my stuff from the house for college at the end of the summer. Relatives keep contacting me telling me that I need to work things out with my parents and that it's my responsibility to "get the family back together". I don't know what to tell them. I explain everything to them, reasons and all and they just don't seem to get it. Plus, why must I initiate anything? I really want my mail that my parents have been keeping from me. Right now my concern is money. I know that they're still claiming me as a dependant on their taxes and can do so until I'm 21, but they aren't supporting me financially. They don't have to pay for college, but they do have to pay for everyday expenses and they're not. I could declare independency, but then I'd have to pay for my own insurance and everything and I think that would take away all chances of getting money from my parents. I'd rather not get the law involved and I've tried pretty much everything but begging and going home, neither of which I will do. They have money set aside for me, but won't give it to me. The only way to mend what they've done for me is if they start showing that they love/support/etc me instead of just saying it. They're not doing what parents should I don't believe. They've controlled me my entire life and now that I want to make my life my own they will not let me and refuse to support me in any way. Is there anything I should do other than just wait? I am happy, but frustrated and I don't want to get into financial trouble that I don't have to be in down the road. If you want or need to know anything else ask. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated and again...I'm glad you're back.

- 2000 word essay warning, if you don't like to read... don't read it ;) -

Hi,
I never really left as such, just got bogged down and stopped answering public questions. Any private questions turn up in my hotmail straight away, so I know about them. Sorry I didn't get back to yours sooner, but as I said in my last answer I've been away for a while, and got back yesterday evening. (Next day's edit) Then I noticed it was like 1am in the morning when I was half way done writing my reply, and today (7th) mum's been absolutely nailed to the main computer, so I've had to type this up on the laptop instead... it goes on.
Thanks for your praise on my advice, I try my best;
Just as a pre-text, I live in Australia, so sometimes I might not be able to understand American terms (Such as Sophmore - is that first year??)
So down to your problem...

I wasn't quite sure about your wording. Was it your first relationship, or the first one your parents have disapproved of? Actually it doesn't matter quite so much to my answer...
The key point is that your family disapproves of him. To solve the problem, you need to understand it fully. Why does your family dislike your boyfriend? Have they ever given you a real reason for not wanting you to be with him? This is the most important thing for you to find out.
You say that your parents have stopped you seeing him. It should be your own choice. Trying to force you to break up, or stop seeing somebody is not something your parents should be telling you, a 19 year old to do. You also said that your parents have told you all your life that they would support you as long as your did the best you could do. If that's something that they fall back on, or that they would understand then I think you need to use that to bring them around to your point of view. The way it is, they don't seem to be seeing it your way, otherwise things wouldn't be the way they are. This means showing your parents that you really are doing your best.
Maybe they think that your boyfriend is "holding you back". Have they ever met him? I think a lot of their disapproval could be blatant ignorance, and fear of the change in your relationship status. Don't ask me (Well... do ask me 0=). Perhaps after you've had a talk with your parents they might like to meet your boyfriend.
About moving to a different college - Are your parents paying for your education? They should be happy if you were going to a college that cost less, unless they didn't think the education was as good. Again, the problem stems from your family's attitude towards your boyfriend (or so they say), so that's really the problem we need to crack.
At this point in your question "In my absence my parents began opening my mail, refusing to send it to me, sending me nasty e-mails, throwing guilt trips at me, not supporting me financially, sending other people to talk to me for them, telling different people different things...the list goes on." your parents really do start to sound a little grey and poisonous. I think you have to take this very seriously (As I'm sure you have). The things you have listed are things that you just DON'T do to your son, daughter, father, brother, or Great step-auntie twice-removed.
In Australia it is illegal to open another person's mail if they're over 18. I think maybe the age is 21 there, as you've said something about that, so maybe there's nothing you can do about that. If your parents are willing to disown you enough to do mean stuff like that to you then they can't be acting on a healthy amount of love. You can't do what they want you do to for your whole life, otherwise it wouldn't be your life...
Your relatives should get off your back. It is most definitely not your responsibility to get the family back together, because you're not the one who's causing the problems.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to be associating with whoever you want to. If they have a problem with that then they're the ones causing family problems. You didn't tear the family apart, so if you get letters from relatives then you should educate them about the situation. Write yourself up a form letter explaining everything from your point of view, and send it to any mis-informed relatives who send you letters from your parents side. Perhaps you'll even start to get some understanding in the family and a few of your relatives might decide to talk to your parents rather than you. If they don't understand, then I guess you may as well just ignore the letters from them in the future. The only other way you're going to deal with it is to talk with your parents. They seem to be the ones creating havoc.
If your parents are claiming you as a dependent then they have to support you. There's got to be some kind of legal obligation, though I wouldn't know anything about American law, being from a different country. I think there must be something otherwise it's just fraud.
It sounds like you have a very difficult situation with respect to money. Declaring independence really comes down to whether you think you have any chance of getting money from your parents. I think you'll probably have a better idea after you've taken a little time to slow down, think things through, and then talked to them again. Would you get enough money to completely support yourself through college if you did declare independence?
What other things could you do to get money? Do you work a part time job, or would that screw around with your education? You said that you got a 3.0 in college(Which I will presume is high because of the way you phrased it, even though I have no idea :). If you're doing well academically, perhaps your college would be willing to give you support or a scholarship based on financial hardship.
I can understand to some extent why you wouldn't want to get "The Law" involved. When you start using that approach everything becomes not only complicated, but rather cut-throat, and potentially expensive- both with relation to money, and to the possibility of reconciliation with the people involved. However you should always be prepared to do what you need. Just incase your parents have become truly mean, manipulative people you should always be prepared to consider using the law to your advantage. The only person who really counts in such situations is yourself. It's cold, and cruel. It's the way life shouldn't be. But that doesn't stop it happening.

Your problem revolves around your parents. You need to find the reason that they are not supporting you. I don't know your parents, so I can't say whether or not they are usually reasonable, or rational people. If the main reason that they won't associate with you is your boyfriend then you have to find out why they dislike him so intensely. They have to accept you, and love you while you're in this relationship that you've chosen.
If that doesn't happen, you have two choices. You either disown your family, or break up with your boyfriend. By now I would expect him to know why you'd be doing it, so I guess that might make it easier on him. If you chose to disown your family, a question I have is what your boyfriend's financial standing is. It might seem like the bad side of a relationship, but if you two really are right as a couple, then I think it would be reasonable to ask him to help you with financial support during your education if he can.
Writing my answer, I started in segments focussing on particular paragraphs in your question. It was interesting to see this "They've controlled me my entire life and now that I want to make my life my own they will not let me and refuse to support me in any way." as it was exactly the kind of thing I was thinking about earlier in my answer. This makes things quite a bit clearer in the department of how things might eventually turn out.
It really does sound like your parents are being control freaks about your life. There could be several reasons for this;
1. They love you so much they don't want to see you get hurt.
2. They are scared that you will move on and leave them behind.
3. They are just general control freaks, who MUST control everybody they come into contact with, and get mad when things don't go the way they want them to.
Unless they know something about your boyfriend that you don't, and that they aren't telling you (And I can see no reason that they wouldn't dish the dirt on him if they really did have a reason for disliking your boyfriend), then I think that number 4(. Your parents know something about your boyfriend that makes them hate him with good reason, and they want to see you dump him) can be discounted.

In each case;
1. You need to find some way of communicating with your parents on a deep level so that they don't feel that you've been influenced by your boyfriend. In this you need to tell them that you are still "Their little girl", but that you need to make your own choices in life. You have to make them understand that they are hurting you by stopping you from experiencing life, and that you are ready to make choices about your life and making sure you don't get hurt on your own.
2. Find some way of convincing your parents and your family that you would never leave them behind (probably more of an option for you if you were prepared to lie about it). This would be a very difficult thing to deal with if you weren't prepared to lie to your parents, because you can almost guarantee that some time in your life you will want to move away. I guess the only way of getting around this if it really is the problem is to help your parents deal with any greif they might feel about you moving away from home. Luckily, it doesn't sound like you'll need to be doing this. My personal feeling from the way you wrote this is that you don't really feel much love from your parents anymore, which would definitely not be the case if they were going to be distraught about you leaving them behind. As it is, it's as if they're actively pushing you away.
3. This is the most likely, and perhaps on the emotional level the most devastating of reasons that your parents might want to be controlling your life. It isn't because they love you, it isn't really for much reason at all. It's just because they want to be right, and they want to be in control. The best option for YOU in this case is to get away from them almost regardless of what the consequences are. (or you could pretend to go along with them until you think that you have a good opportunity to escape them and become independent). If this was the case, then it's just unhealthy to stay in a manipulated state, unless (as said) it is just too convenient to accept their control of you for a few years until you can truly get away from them.
The main point you have to think about in this situation is that you need to live your own life. As long as your parents continue telling you what to do, and who to date, you can't do this. If you let this happen to you, your life won't be yours. You won't end up happy unless you get away from it.
4. A very easy way to remedy your parents "justified" hate of your boyfriend is to talk to them specifically enough to find out why they don't like your boyfriend. They must tell you why they don't like the way you are living, and why they don't like your boyfriend. Otherwise (if they can't) then they should stop being such assholes (excuse my strong language) to you.
Talking on this level with your parents could not only help to resolve issues they might have with your boyfriend, but if they really do know something they don't want to tell you then they may tell you something that could be incredibly significant to your continued relationship with him. That said - Be skeptical about anything your parents tell you. Don't take their word for it, because they may be well prepared to cook up snakey lies just to have you back under their control.

I hope somewhere in here I've written something that really seems to fit in to what's happening to you. It really is a complicated thing to sort out, but if you remember one thing, remember that this IS your life.

-K

Hi Silentone, I know you've not answered a question in awhile, but I could really use some help. I'm v. upset about a relationship of mine which has gone wrong. I say relationship, but really it is more of a friendship,as i have only dated the guy on and off. I feel love for this man(he is 47, I am 22)but am also insecure around him. We both live in Britain, although he is American(ex-pat). He says that the reason he can't commit is his love for his EX-girlfriend back in the States, and I buy that(with reservations-if he were so in love with her , why would he be willing to even think about dating again).

Everytime I see him, I feel an overwhelming love for him, which was, weirdly enough, there from the beginning. He says that he doesn't want to date me partly because he can feel my pain and part of him enjoys that pain, and this sadism is a side of his personality that he wants to bury.I am hurting because I think I love him. I know there's not a whole lot that you or anyone can do to help, but I like your column. Also, I once gave you some advice which you said helped you, so I am hoping you can return the favour.
Lucretiax.

Hey,
You caught me just on the last day after my exams! (And also, I just found out, the day before I went to away for a week)
You're right, I haven't answered anything for ages, and I think it's time I start again. My life kind of fell apart, and now I have some time to put it back together... I suppose part of that is that I like helping people. I'll cut the chitchat and start answering your question :)

So you like this guy. You liked him since you met him, and you've always just gotten this aura around him, like he's somebody you really want to know better.
Sounds from what you said as if he likes you well enough, and you've been out a few times, "on and off". He has trouble committing. He -says- it's because of his EX back in the U.S..
I'm not sure what you mean by commitment here, but I'd hazard a guess that you'd like to be closer, that you want to be a "solid" couple with him, and that he doesn't seem to want to settle. He doesn't want to get tied down, or he has a problem with commitment because of his EX.
I'm curious about the excuse of loving his EX back in the U.S.. I'm not sure what to think about it. There was obviously something wrong for them to break up, and he still loves her. I think it would be an idea to talk to him about it (As much as you might hate talking about his previous girlfriend), and see why he can't let go of her. Perhaps you can help him to realise that he's not going to get back together with her, and you're just as good. He shouldn't avoid commitment his whole life unless he wants to end up a boring bachelor who takes underwater knitting classes for fun.
You said that he also says that he doesn't want to date you because he can feel your pain. I'm not quite sure what kind of pain you're talking about. Are you saying he can feel your pain from when he rejects you, and he kind of likes it? I'm not sure if this is what you're saying. If it is then I wouldn't stick around for too long. People who get a kick out of that kind of pain don't really promote healthy relationships.
What kind of pain is it that he likes? It's always a worry, I suppose. You know what he means, so I think you're the best one to think about it. If he really does like your pain I would think strongly about who you think he is. Is he a nice guy? Would he ever want to cause you pain - because I wouldn't want to talk you into an abusive relationship.
You say that you are hurting because you think you love him. Love does a lot of screwed up things to you. I think the more important part of why you are hurting isn't that you think you're in love with him. That would usually be a good thing. I think the problem is that you don't know, and maybe you don't think that you can have him. You don't think he'll let you, and every time you try, something happens which means you lose your courage, or he backs off from any kind of commitment. Loving somebody in limbo can be one of the worst parts of love.
I don't know, tell me if I'm talking crap (I could have this completely wrong, coming back after a couple of months off :P)
I think what you need to do is to decide where you really think you stand with the guy. Where he thinks you stand even, because you need to be very cautious, realistic about where he thinks you stand - or you risk being hurt. And when you've figured out where you stand you can try to think about stuff.
Why do you like him? Is it just a gut thing, or are there things about him that you really love?
You have to talk to him about it. Make him stay. A lot of guys (Sorry guys, I'm such a traitor) don't want to know about it, but if you're going to make something work, or even try, then he has to be in on it, and talk with you.
You have to tell him that he's screwing you up, and that the only way you're going to feel better is to be with him. He'll either respond, and you can start trying to get somewhere, or he'll get worse. Just a note- incase he is a real jerk, be prepared for anything. Don't let him jerk you around.

Where was I?
Just basically I think it sounds like what is hurting you is not going anywhere. Loving him in limbo.
You can but try, and if you fail then there's nothing you could have done about it.

I'm not really so crash hot on the 22 - 47 age difference. It's not a faux-pas as such, but that's a fair age gap. I guess it's up to you, and if it works then it works. Hah! Don't quote me on that one, the age gap between you two is older than I am, so I wouldn't have a clue.

If I didn't answer whatever question you were asking, or you need to know about something else feel free to ask another question. I hope something in this pile of dribble helped you figure out what you need to do. If you do ask another question I won't be around until the 5th (or 6th or 7th, or some time depending on where you live) of December, so I'll answer as soon as I get it.

~Luck!

-K

Hi me,
I was wondering if anybody read my column.
Sometimes I wonder how I can feel so shit, and still give good advice to other people. I think maybe it's a matter of what I know, not knowing what will help me. But if I can help others, I do.
So does anyone read religiously?
It would be cool to know you.
Copy my email if you read this, because It's gone in a week. Then email me! lacroixsweetie@hotmail.com

-K

Week starts 29/09/05

What does the bible say about suicide? Can you still go to Heaven if you do kill yourself? Or do you go to Hell?

As far as I remember, it was a terribly bad thing to take the gift of life that God gave you. So I would presume you go to Hell. If you want an informaed answer, don't ask me about bible stuff, I'm not a Christian.

-K

heyy i have mild acne and im allergic to alot of antiobitiotics so my doctor gave me this whole pamphlet on a pill called ACCUTANE, it supposed tot stop your oil glands or something, does anybody take it? how well does it work clearing up your acne? what side effects do you experience, because it is supposed to be very dangerous! any indo would be great - im undecided if i should take it or not! thanks =]

I used (Ro)Accutane made by Roche for about three courses and my pimples came back every time. The dermatologist said I was one of the "unlucky" ones. Apparently only 1 in 1000 people end up getting pimples after three lots. Anyway, just thought I'd put my word in against.
I did get side-effects though. Make sure you have a lot of lip balm, and use a moisturiser like sorbolene so your skin doesn't dry out too badly. The pictures on the information pack often look really gross, but they're just for scare. If you use lip balm, and don't let it get away from you then it should be fine. If you skip the lip balm for a day or so then your lips crack and hurt, and it takes maybe a week for them to heal once you start using it again.
My concentration was the worst side-effect. My concentration got REALLY difficult to keep on the topic. I had to resort to herbal things that wouldn't interfere with the Ro-, and burning rosemary oil. Still couldn't concentrate well. What was worse is that all the side-effects were meant to go away after a few months. I could be a freak case, but my concentration never recovered. It got better, but it never got back to where it had been.
You didn't say whether you were male or female. Girls have more options; Has your doctor tried you on hormone treatments like the pill already? Hormones work better in girls than boys, and they sometimes prescribe the pill which would double as a backup contraceptive.
If you've only got mild acne, then you probably don't need accutane. It's more for major, cystic acne.

Oh, one last thing. If you do decide to use it, wash your face with water while you're using the accutane. You could use very diluted vinegar if you wanted an anti-bacterial touch, but if you wash with soap, or too often then you'll dry your skin out and damage it. Hope you can find the right thing to help you...

-K

ive been using antibiotics for acne and it only helps moderately. has anybody used anything like accutane or differin, and if so, did it completely clear things up?

I used (Ro)Accutane made by Roche for about three courses and my pimples came back every time. The dermatologist said I was one of the "unlucky" ones. Apparently only 1 in 1000 people end up getting pimples after three lots. Anyway, just thought I'd put my word in against.
I did get side-effects though. Make sure you have a lot of lip balm, and use a moisturiser like sorbolene so your skin doesn't dry out too badly. The pictures on the information pack often look really gross, but they're just for scare. If you use lip balm, and don't let it get away from you then it should be fine. If you skip the lip balm for a day or so then your lips crack and hurt, and it takes maybe a week for them to heal once you start using it again.
My concentration was the worst side-effect. My concentration got REALLY difficult to keep on the topic. I had to resort to herbal things that wouldn't interfere with the Ro-, and burning rosemary oil. Still couldn't concentrate well. What was worse is that all the side-effects were meant to go away after a few months. I could be a freak case, but my concentration never recovered. It got better, but it never got back to where it had been.
You didn't say whether you were male or female. Girls have more options; Has your doctor tried you on hormone treatments like the pill already? Hormones work better in girls than boys, and they sometimes prescribe the pill which would double as a backup contraceptive.

Oh, one last thing. If you do decide to use it, wash your face with water while you're using the accutane. You could use very diluted vinegar if you wanted an anti-bacterial touch, but if you wash with soap, or too often then you'll dry your skin out and damage it. Hope you can find the right thing to help you...

-K

has anyone here used accutane for pimples??? im scared about the side effetcs? is it safe to use for a 15 yr old girl? what about birth control?

I used (Ro)Accutane made by Roche for about three courses and my pimples came back every time. The dermatologist said I was one of the "unlucky" ones. Apparently only 1 in 1000 people end up getting pimples after three lots. Anyway, just thought I'd put my word in against.
I did get side-effects though. Make sure you have a lot of lip balm, and use a moisturiser like sorbolene so your skin doesn't dry out too badly. The pictures on the information pack often look really gross, but they're just for scare. If you use lip balm, and don't let it get away from you then it should be fine. If you skip the lip balm for a day or so then your lips crack and hurt, and it takes maybe a week for them to heal once you start using it again.
My concentration was the worst side-effect. My concentration got REALLY difficult to keep on the topic. I had to resort to herbal things that wouldn't interfere with the Ro-, and burning rosemary oil. Still couldn't concentrate well. What was worse is that all the side-effects were meant to go away after a few months. I could be a freak case, but my concentration never recovered. It got better, but it never got back to where it had been.
Use normal birth control. If you get pregnant, go to a doctor, and get an abortion. Be prepared to do this, because you seriously don't want to have an accutane baby.
Has your doctor tried you on hormone treatments like the pill already? Hormones work better in girls than boys, and they sometimes prescribe the pill which would double as a backup contraceptive.

Oh, one last thing. If you do decide to use it, wash your face with water while you're using the accutane. You could use very diluted vinegar if you wanted an anti-bacterial touch, but if you wash with soap, or too often then you'll dry your skin out and damage it. Hope you can find the right thing to help you...

-K

I am 13/m

what does it mean when your best friend who you have a crush on and she knows it falls in love w/ your clone, IM SERIOUS. He literally likes all the same things i do the only thing different is hes a smudge cuter than me

What do i do, do i tell her about it or do i just shut up about it, What do i do

Three words.
Tell - her - NOW.

But find a tasteful way to do it ^_^

Do something really romantic, try to make her forget about clone boy. Maybe she'll pay enough attention to see what's sitting under her nose.
If she's still going after clone boy, put on a "hard to get" act. You know she's not after you, but it's a reverse psychology. Act confident, and smug, and as if you're too good to be her boyfriend anyway - the most likely response...? She'll take the challenge, and you'll get what you were trying to.
Then again, maybe she'll just think you're a prick and go for the cute one. If you do it propperly, she probably won't do that. You've got to get it right though, don't be rude, don't be a big-head, just be "too good", and she'll die to show you that you're not.

Whatever you do, don't let it go without trying. You'll regret it for as long as you can remember.

-K

ok, i am a female student playing in a university sports team and am 20 years old. We recently went on tour with the new coach who we had not met before. Basically on our last night there we all went out and got really drunk, coaches too. At about 4am the coach (Ben) asked if i wanted to go and find some food. I really fancied chips so said yes and we left. we found that at 4am nowhere is open but kept walking and chatting. He was flirting, making me guess his age etc (he's 35) and i was having fun. It started pouring with rain and he put his arm around me to keep me warm then somehow we were holding hands. we found a bar and were discussing how it was quite inappropriate that we were there together. we ended up kissing and going further, in the bar, in the streets everywhere. it was amazing. had there been a private bed to go to we would have slept together i am sure. anyway, the point is, if anyone finds out on the team he will lose his job coaching and i will not be able to play anymore. that is the last thing i want but it was so exciting and i am really attracted to him. I dont know how to deal with it. also i have a boyfriend. i have always been a bit of a slut, cheating on boyfriends but i really thought i had changed and this one was different. i said if i ever cheated on him i would end it but now it comes to it it is really hard and i dont want to. He is lovely, just quite conventional and everything i did whilst away with Ben is everything i miss with my boyfriend. i know it was stupid but i think i would do it again if the same opportunity was there. I dont know what to do and would really appreciate some advice.

To use a horrible, old, and overused phrase, it sounds like the flame has gone out of your relationship with your boyfriend. It's probably because of what you lack, the feeling, the excitement, the unpredictability that led you to doing inappropriate things with your coach.
You know you can't do it again. To rephrase, you know you shouldn't do it again. If you want to live with yourself, and you want him to keep his job, you won't let it happen again.
What's important now is that you feel satisfied with your current boyfriend. Was he always like this? Why did you fall for him in the first place?
I don't know what you mean by conventional, but is it something you can talk to about your boyfriend? or is it just a personality trait, that you can't expect him to change?
You need to introduce him to things you like. If they're unconventional, then let him know they're alright. Maybe he just never thought of experimenting, he might have wanted to feel more secure.
If nobody knows on the team, then that's how it will stay, as long as you pretend that nothing ever happened. If you "believe" nothing ever happened, it will disappear. The guy won't talk about it, he wants to keep his job. That leaves you, and anyone else who saw you at 4 or 5 in the morning.
Anyway, not sure what I was trying to say, but I said it so;
It didn't happen.
It won't happen. "again".
Your boyfriend needs to get more interesting, or he's going to lose you.
It's up to you whether you tell him or not.

Everyone makes mistakes.

-K

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