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jealous husband
I've always known that my husband was a little jealous when we were dating. He didn't want me texting other men or flirting, I completely understand that. Those are also my limits. We have only been married for a little over six months, and the growing jealousy towards my mother is starting to make us fight very badly. I am an only child to my mother, and at first she was clingy, but that isn't the case anymore. I spend maybe one day out of the week going to town with her, maybe to eat, and other than that I talk to her maybe twice a day. She suffers with bad anxiety, so if I go out of town, I shoot her an "I made it alive mother" text, which is just another thing that annoys him that I do for my mother to ease her mind. She is my best friend and more like a sister to me than a mom and it really hurts me and puts me in a awkward place when he throws fits about me seeing her or talking to her. If I'm not working, I am always home when he gets home from work, If he wants me to cook, I cook.. I try to please him in every way but right when my phone rings and its my mom, there goes our entire night. He has also done this if I go out of town without him to see family. He will call me the entire time I am there, and the one time I don't answer, I'm ignoring him and have no time for him. I love this man so much and I don't want such a petty thing to ruin our relationship. Please offer any advice that may help
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I'm interested in the third side of this triangle - the relationship between this man and his mother-in-law.
What kinds of things does your mom say about him?
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Granted there are two sides to every story and a triangle has a third side. In your story I see your husband being a bit controlling and insecure, side one of the triangle. Side two of the triangle is a clingy mother in-law with anxiety problems. Side three is you caught in the middle trying to please both side on and side two.
Triangles do not turn into squares though they can be flattened into straight lines, which is what you must try to accomplish. You're going to need some help, professional help to do this. I'm suggesting family counseling and couples counseling.
Family counseling to help mom cut you from her apron strings so that it is not necessary to call you every day. Couples counseling for your husband mainly to be less insecure and less controlling and for you to learn what you may do inadvertently that triggers these emotions in him.
Working together and a as a couple the problems you write about can be overcome. With the help of a professional psychologist who can help you help each other. As someone close to your mother's age I know how hard it is to let go. You and your husband are a family unit know and she has to give you the space needed to mature that family and make it grow and mature.
There is nothing wrong with her being your best friend. Best friends do not speak daily let alone twice daily or see each other weekly. If mom needs help shopping or getting around that's different. But if she is healthy then you should lead separate lives and monthly visits, weekly phone calls should be fine and your husband should be accepting of this.
I also agree that a phone call or text to say you are home safe a trip is definitely in order for both of you. We do this with my son, we text or call him and he texts or calls us, it's just a common courtesy.
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Look at it this way, its not your mother he resents but if this was truly a girlfriend and not your mother, he would still resent the person.
I agree that he is an insecure man if he didn't want you texting or talking to other guys. A man who has such a low self image as a male is going to think themselves easily replaced and another man more attractive to you and thats why the jealousy.
So how does this apply then to mother who is female instead? She is taking time away from full attention on him. He needs full attention from you to feel secure in himself, so when he doesnt get it, he sulks or throws a fit.
To be fair though, even a secure in self image man, would have issues with the amount of time you spend trying to be there for a mother with extreme anxieties. You are not her professional counselor, only her daughter and as such, you have blurred the lines of what is appropriate and are spending more time with her trying to help her when her anxietys are the issue instead of just doing the daughter thing and meeting once a week to go to lunch. I don't hear from my daughters daily. Once a week seems fair even for a phone call if not a visit and its a long phone call. But twice daily? That sounds extreme. While you believe what you are doing is the normal honoring your parent thing, what is actually happening is that you are helping her to remain stuck in anxiety problems, never gettting better.
Never mind at the moment that your husband has severe issues that also require him seeing a counselor. Even with a husband without issues, I assume you'll one day want kids. Once you have kids, you'll find you no longer have time to give to your mother as you do now. The kids will have to come first before mom. And a husband should also come before anyone else. So if you keep up this schedule with mom, the husband will be neglected and so will the kids. Mom will just be another kid of yours. the only problem, you're not her mother and she;s an adult with a will of her own so its unlikely she will listen to what you say. But you need to draw the line somewhere.
If I were the husband and had a wife that talked twice a day to mom and not for a short timed bit but for hours, blowing my evening time with my wife, I'd be MAJOR upset about that if it happened more than once a week. In real life, each of us have at times in our 6 yrs together gotten a call from a family member going through something hard who needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to help give them perspectives with a pro blem and it takes hours. And yes, we've had plans, or were in bed having time with each other when a call comes late at night and we stop and take the time out to help the family member and that is good and right. But going to the opposite extreme of blowing ones plans and time with a spouse almost every time and for hours, that is wrong. Even a good mentally healthy man will not stand for that. Why, because it shows that in fact you are not willing to compromise and take just a little time with mom but have a time limit like say 15 mins in which you tell her you love her, but that you did as the bible mentions, leaving mother and father to cleave to your husband, this means that husband and your future children--that family unit comes first before other extended family with the exception of the occaasional emergency thing. This is not an emergency, her calling twice a day. or you instigating the calls. Mom needs professional help. I'm guessing Mom has been this way for quite some time so you have no real idea growing up that this is not normal behavior in a person. You know anxieties is an issue not all people have but I am guessing since you found yourself an insecure husband as well, that you don't know how to recognize what is normal and what is not. So you got yourself married to a person with issues, a different set from Mom. you couldn't choose your Mom but you were able to choose your mate. I understand not being on phone all the time with other men, but be sure you are not making excuses for him. If you have a conversation with the male clerk at the grocery, just being friendly and those few minutes and he can't handle it and is jealous, that is extreme and there is no excuse.
So you need to tell mom that you are spending too much time making sure she's okay and calming her down when shes having issues and it is causing trouble for you with your husband. You need to learn this even if in the end you and he split and you have a new future husband. mOM will still be in your life so you need to learn this. Set a limit to the calls. One call per day only and even this is extreme but you need to wean her off you and encourage her to go to see a counselor, psychologist. Either she's on the wrong meds or not being treated for anxiety by a doctor. If every time she called you, you told her you're setting a timer and giving her only 15 minutes and that if she has a crisis, then its high time she get in to see a professional because with all the time you've already given her, it hasn't cured her of her issues yet so this way isn't working. You tell her its interfering with time with your mate. You let her know if the two of you haven't had sex in two weeks because she's always on the phone with you for hours. So tell her, your top priority is your husband now and that means she falls to number two and once kids arrive, she'll fall down further but still have your attention, just not as much so she needs to get used to it now and not rely entirely on you anymore. time to see a professional and get the help she's been avoiding. You can't force her to go, you can only limit time on phone with her, and then start backing it off to 15-20 mins if its just to reassure her you are okay and tell her you have to go now, hanging up on her if she refuses to say goodbye and hang up on her own. You need to retrain her in what is okay or not, normal or not. Then keep it at the short calls every other day and save all the long conversations for your day out with her. That is reasonable. Anything else is excessive and comes across as you choosing her over your huband to a man with insecurties of his own already. It may help him some but wont cure him. The two of you may need marriage counseling. Perhaps, the counselor will discover deep buried issues in yourself also which I suspect as you as so willing to go along with catering to Mom and to Husband and their issues. Although I wouldn't say you have a major problem, likely just that you are having some trouble with seeing the big picture here which all of us do at times but when its causing you the amount of problems you're having, its time for a counselor for yourself as well. So lastly, my advice is, if you can't encourage Mom or hubby to go to a counselor, go see one for yourself, they can help awaken your mind to see your situation in a different way and teach you skills how to handle it better or make any decisions for your own good.
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Rahzie already answered the question, but I have some more advice about your mom.
You need to let her know that you can't spend time with her 24/7. She should have some counseling for her anxiety. Hang out with her two times a week, but let her know that you are ok when you wake and and when you go to bed.
For your husband, he needs to calm his nerves. Explain to him the issue and how it's making ypu feel. If he doesn't care about your mother, I say marriage counseling. And if he still acts the same way, then I sadly have to say take a break.
That's the advice I have for now.
Email me for more info and details about the issue at alwaysaiyana@gmail.com
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You have two problems here.
The first is that your relationship with your mother is taking a lot of time. Talking to her twice a day is a lot. If you are spending a long time talking to your mother instead of sitting down to a meal with him, or cancelling plans or activities with him, then he has a legitimate beef.
Your second problem, is that however legit some of his irritation may be, is that he is ALSO a controlling and abusive person with a bunch of utterly illegitimate behaviours. At this point, even if you make an effort to make sure you are more respectful of your time with him, and don't allow your mother to intrude on that, he's probably not going to be satisfied. He is just that resentful and demanding.
Marriage counselling is likely your best bet. However, you really need to consider the way this man is attempting to control you with anger and resentment. That is the kind of disrespect and abuse that can kill a marriage. You may need to do some work to create a better balance with your mother, but he has a lot of work to do to become a healthy and loving partner.
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