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Boyfriend can't get over my dating past and wants me to let him have sex
I am in amazing relationship, one that I've always wanted and dreamed of. Both of us are in our 30's, were were married before to other people and now both divorced, but head over heels in love with each other. There is one problem, he cannot get over my dating past. Before meeting him, I was in two long term relationships ( marriage and one for 6 yrs) and then became single and dated for two years. I met him before he even had the chance to date again, we hit it off immediately and fell in love over time. He said he loves how sexual I am, but hates my past, his resolution is to 1) swing with him and let him have sex with someone in front of me, or 2) participate in a 3 some and let him do his thing in front of me. This kills me, and I don't want to. I love him sooo much and if I saw this it will hurt so bad. My past means nothing to me, but he doesn't get it, because he didn't get to date after his marriage with his HS sweetheart. Instead he went on a date with me and we have been together for almost a year and we live together. He has given me this ultimatum to continue with our relationship. I don't know if I can do this, I wish I could move out and let him try the single life he says he missed out on, but I am afraid of losing him and I don't want something to happen, but I'm tired of being ridiculed. I want him to see me for who I am today and what I offer, not my past. Please help! Should I put my feelings aside and take the torture of seeing him have sex with someone or should I get out of his life and let him do his thing and pray he wants me back. 30 ish female.
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Yeah hes clearly immature as hell if he cant get over the fact that your "more experienced" we'll call it then he is. Thats not fair, and hes clearly so jealous that he cant get past it.
I say you break it off soon before you end up getting hurt even more by him and his behavior.
If he really loved you it wouldnt MATTER how many more people youve been with then him or vise versa ok. By him suggesting something like this in order to "balance" the two of you out is just insulting, and shows that hes clearly not ready to be with someone seriously if hes going to be that petty.
He obviously has an ego on him too from what it sounds like (possibly) and this could make things worse in other areas as well and thats not going to make things better. ever.
Your going to have to just tell him, "look i understand that you feel like this but im not ok with this and im not going to take part in it, and if you love me enough then that should be enough, not asking me to ask if you can be with other people because your feeling "shorted" options wise when it comes to how many sexual encounters youve had verses mine"
"your shorting yourself by thinking like this and your taking it out on me and thats not fair"
If he wants to leave then "theres the door" and just wish him the best of luck. be totally serious with this and stay calm, wait a while and let him really stew on what youve said and allow him to thinking over.
You need to put your foot down and let him know that your not ok with it, you dont want him doing that, you dont appreciate it, and you will not be there whenever he decides to come back either. He needs to ask himself if losing you is really worth POSSIBLY having more sexual encounters with people he doesnt even know yet.
its the kind situation where you just have to say, "i hope this is going to be worth it for you"
He will think about it and either be encreditabily selfish and youll break up with him or he will realize that what you two have is a good thing and he wont want to put it in danager just because of something so petty.
good luck sweetie
; )
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No please don't it simply means he doesn't love you he just LUSTS for you because if he really love you he should respect your decision.
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Adviceman and I are both a lot older than you and therefore having a lot more life experience and therefore knowledge about these kinds of things.
He just isn't worth your time dear. I understand you feel love for him and that he is great, but it only takes one issue in a partners life to tear apart your relationship over time. His wanting to swing is only going to make it happen sooner and make it a more hurtful process with way more pain for you to experience not by merely watching him with other women but seeing you with another man. Unless he insists he gets to do it all and you are not allowed.
I am one who went into the swing environment after 25 years with a man with whom I had a terrible sexual relationship at his insistance, yes a bit different circumstances but I am getting to a point here that I believe my ex and your boyfriend have in common. I still hadn't figured it out at the time why he also behaved so poorly to how he treated me, verbal abuse, then sorry then a honeymoon cycle before he'd repeat the abuse over and over with a shorter honeymoon makeup part til it no longer existed in the 25 yrs. We had teen girls not quite ready to leave the home so I figured, maybe this would help him feel better and we could hold it together. In the following 5 years, a new swinging couple we befriended on line where the husband had a counseling career in the past saw through to my husbands issues, said he had mental illness and needed to get counseling. It made sense. Deep down, when a person has something major wrong with them, even if their conscious mind doesnt register it, their subconscious one does and will cause a person to react and respond in ways to cover their tracks so no one realizes they have a problem. It's called deflecting, and sooner or later they will point the finger at others saying that they are the real problem and can at times make it sound believeable. No, I am not going to say your boyfriend has mental illness. But he is hiding something and he has reached this age without consciously acknowledging it yet means this issue is likely to continue for quite a lot longer without being resolved if ever in his lifetime. What I see his behavior as, is simply a case of a low self image and low self confidence. That can be crippling in any person but I tend to believe it's even a bit worse for a male. Why? A male feels like a male through several parts of his life that he experiences that give him purpose and reaffirm and make him proud to be a male. So he takes pride in his work, career, special talents and also in his sexuality. With low self confidence or image, a man is going to have severe issues in the sexual area and not be able to bear the thought of any other man ever having dated you, paid you attention or had sex with you... and the reason why, because in his subconscious mind deep down, he actually feels inferior to every other male on the planet in some way. I can't say why a particular person can feel that way. Most likely bad habits of negative thinking that started already in childhood.
So what I am trying to say is that his solution of having a dating past or sexual experiences before being able to move on with you is one of the worst possible things he could do that would expose his position more clearly to you and make him even angrier and more upset and feeling even worse image wise. I know because I witnessed it happen to others in the swing community and I saw it in my own husband. He found that he couldn't attract other women but I attracted other guys andj I was actually enjoying myself because in my case, he had long ago killed any remaining love I had for him. I didn't hate him mind you, still don't, but I lacked any feelings at all toward him. So i enjoyed myself and for the first time in my life discovered what I was capable of sexually that I had a strong sex drive, he had almost none, that I was not frigid as he said but enjoyed orgasms with every man but never had any with him, and I discovered I was able to do the female version of ejaculation with orgasm, called squirting. Once awakened, its a natural response you can't stop. That was the killing blow. He already made a rule that we could only directly swap with a couple but he had to approve of the female and be attracted to her, that way he didn't have to worry about finding someone if the other husband wanted me. He already felt he couldn't attract a woman on his own, the same self confidence issues. Now at home if I squirted, he demanded that I stop it, which I couldn't. It reminded him that he was not the one to awaken that in me. So it made him feel even less a man. Jealousy is VERY common in swinging. It will make the person with issues begin to make all sorts of rules, ultimatums and hoops for you to have to battle, cus no matter how many times in my marriage to him that I did exactly as he asked, following instructions to a tee on things that he said would make him happy and satisfied if I did it, when I did, he still was unhappy or jealous or unreasonable and I realized it was a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation where I just could not win. I will say in the very beginning of our marriage before his abusive side became more prominent, yes there was some wonderful qualities about him the things that drew him to me in the first place and made me fall in love with him. But now on the other end of it, through lots of life experience, I can assure you that unless he realises he has an issue with self image and confidence and is really willing to apply himself, right now to accepting help from a professional counselor or psychologist, he is not going to get better. This will remain a ticking bomb ready to explode, over and over again with him pointing to you as the problem. Another point I want to bring up is your mentioning his riduling you on a constant basis. This dear, you need to realize is a form of emotional abuse. This sounds too much like he is taking controlling actions, wanting to control you, while you may not see it as severe or anything to worry about, think again, it grows worse quickly. I experienced the ex trying to control all life situations by controlling me too in hopes he'd get the outcome he wanted and nothing made him ever feel better. In essense, if you decide to stay with him, you will give control over to you to try to keep peace, will doesnt work, suffer emotional abuse, and by choice of placing yourself in this position, become kindof his care giver. I had to handle all the adult situations in our family, he would fall apart. Like when a window was vandalized and broken in one car and another stolen and totaled. Its a losing battle to stay with him dear. And in the end agree with adviceman, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. those with his good qualites and none of the major issues. Staying with him is not only settling for less but also choosing to allow yourself to be treated poorly for the rest of your life. Don't do it.
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He is being a ass. We all have a past. Just because he was fortunate enough to find you right after leaving his marriage does not entitle him to devalue you or your relationship by demanding you participate in sexual hijinks with him so he can consider himself to have sowed some oats.
He is not only trying to control you but he is also sexually harassing you. Sexual harassment is illegal. Once you say no to something that's it end of discussion. Any type of sex has to be mutually consensual otherwise it is not done. It is really that simple.
Some people can live in a swinging relationship or have other people join in their sexual relations. It is obvious this is not the type of sexual relationship you wish to have. You only need to have one discussion on this. Once you have told him no this is not something you want or can do then it is over.
To my mind as much as you believe he is the man you love. I cannot see him loving you the way you love him. If he truly loved you your past would not bother him. As I said we all have a past, the object of a loving relationship is to plan for and to see if you can have a loving future together.
My mother would tell you there are plenty of fish in the sea. Throw this one back and rebate your hook. There are better fish to catch then him.
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He's an ass who is trying to control and manipulate you into sexual encounters you do not want.
He thinks you owe him sex. He thinks you owe him a certain kind of sex. Doesn't matter what else might seem so good about him. Once someone feels you OWE them shit like that, they are a dangerous person to be around.
Let him go. If he is so unhappy with HIS OWN CHOICES then he needs to go off into the world and make the choices he wants, with people who also want those things. If he feels he missed out on so much that he is willing to toss your relationship away - let him do that. It will hurt to watch him walk away, but it'll hurt more to let him keep holding you hostage with his bullying and shaming over your past. This is not a man who is simply asking for what he wants, this is a man who is willing to attack you and your life choices in the attempt to bully you into submission.
Do not torture yourself for this stupid, selfish, temper-tantrum throwing child. He is BLAMING you for his dissatisfaction with his own life. Tell him to man up and make his choice. He CANNOT continue to bully and blame you because he's not happy. If he's not happy, he needs to go deal with that and stop judging and torturing you. That are perfectly valid ways to discuss your desire for other people with your partner - but holding your partner's past over their head is NOT one of them.
Maybe you'll be around when he's done being an ass. Maybe you wont. That's the risk he is taking when he buggers off. In the meantime, you go look for someone who is mature enough to be in a real relationship with an actual adult person. You deserve better than a hostage negotiation with a dissatisfied little boy.
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