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i need advice: we constantly fight and barely get along anymore.
Ok I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now but we constantly fight and barely get along anymore. I feel like we both have changed and don't know what to do. I recently moved out because I'm tired of the fighting. I love him but I can't handle the fighting anymore. Do I let go of the relationship after 4 years or do I stay in the relationship and try to work it out one more time? I am 20 years old and female and the guy I have been dating as been my high school crush.
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The truth of the matter is that relationships are hard. They take work. And it is natural and normal for couples to fight from time to time. That can be an indicator of you both being emotionally invested. However, if it seems like you are fighting far too often, that can be a problem.
I see that you feel like you both have changed. To some degree this might be true but it is most likely also the fact that when we first get into relationships and are in a state of infatuation, we tend to be blind to the flaws or less attractive qualities in our partners. Over time, we become more realistic about them.
A lot of people love each other but just cannot work together in a relationship. It isn't bad or doesn't mean you care any less about them.
Whether to try to work it out or cut ties is a decision only you can make. However, things like couples counseling or a temporary break may help each of you sort out your priorities and search within yourselves to find the answer that works best for you.
Good luck.
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Just follow whatever your heart and mind says, what you think is right for the both of you. Don't think about how long you guys have been together, think of what's going on, if you think both of you could still handle it. You could also talk to him about your relationship, I think that's one of things that every couple should do to have a healthy relationship with each other. Try to keep your calm and just let him understand your point, try to let him understand what you're trying to tell him. If he starts to put up a fight, say how you feel about it, say you just wanted a proper talk, don't fight back. Because if you do, a fight would just start again and the both of you would be shouting at each other and the both of you wouldn't be able to tell what you really wanted to tell each other because anger is taking over you. Just try to let him understand, but you also need to try to understand his side. You'll figure out everything soon, you just need time to think about it..
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Im going to be really realistic with you here.
If you wernt fighting alot before but the fighting NOW (recently) has become worse then what you can do is stay calm and ask "ok whats this really all about?" because usually when theres non-stop fighting and nit-picking going on its because of what they call an "elephant in the room" type of issue that your both not addressing here and your both VERY stressed out over it.
So just ask him "what is it that you need that im missing because i really dont appreciate your attitude and im not a mind reader, i cant fix something if you dont tell me whats wrong"
then STAY CALM and allow him to vent or talk or do whatever it is he needs to do to relieve himself of the burden he obviously is feeling. say NOTHING and really listen. Do not feed into any kind of BS (aka name calling, nit picking over other minor issues to deflect from whats really going on) and get to the BOTTOM of what is really is.
Sometimes guys dont like to talk about their feelings and he try to deflect (thats a big one) so try to ignore that and say "nooo thats not what this is all about, whats really going on here? why have you been so upset lately???"
then again stay calm, show a blank face and just watch his actions, his talking, and what he has to say. Approach this as a way to get him to spill his guts so that you can pick through the rocky road ice cream and get to the IMPORTANT stuff so it can be dealt with. This is your chance to really find out whats on his mind and if he feels your not doing your part or if hes stressed out about work etc.
Come at him with a "well look im ginuinely concerned here, i want to make things ok again, what do i need to do? i want to hear what you have to say so that i can make it better. Are you going to act accordingly? or are you going to act like a child about this??"
THATS your angle here. Its also what adults in long terms relationships do when their having issues like this.
good luck and i hope you can make this work, just remember to not allow him to get petty and DONT nit pick over small things because at the end of the day your STILL going to have this huge unspoken issue on your hands that you didnt hands because one or both of you were fighting over something petty to try to take the focus away from whats really going on. and remember to STAY CALM, yelling and all this no matter WHAT he says to you is NOT going to help.
then after that you can analyze what he has said and come to your final conclusion about how you feel thigns are going and take it from there!
good luck! ; )
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I can't make that decision for you but hopefully can share some things that help you make the decision to stay or go.
First, I am not sure I interpret your statement correctly: quoting "I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now but we constantly fight and barely get along anymore."
This could be interpreted a couple ways.
1. That in the past you didn't fight and got along and the fighting is only a recent change.
2. That the two of you have fought from the beginning, all 4 years but at least still got along despite that, and only recently are not getting along.
If it's number one, something may have changed or occured in either his or your life that causes you to feel stressed and when stressed, a person isn't able to really 'be there' in the relationship. In a really good strong relationship, when this happens, usually one is weak at the moment and the other is feeling strong and both take turns in life holding the other up, cheering them up and we want to turn to our mate for comfort instead of using them as our dumping ground for our stresses as people often do. So either, there needs to be changes to get rid of whatever is causing the stress, or both of you learning how not to attack the other.
It takes two to have a fight. One can throw their fit but if the other doesnt respond to add fuel to the fire, it doesnt go far. However if it has become a daily thing, it may be more than stress but the onset of mental illness for one thing. And that, you can't win a battle against and I would advise not being in relationship with someone who has mental illness. I was married 30 yrs to someone undiagnosed until the end but by then the damage had been done and I left him. He's still getting worse and can't hold onto a girlfriend due to his behavior. Don't leave due to assumptions of such a thing, only if he does have mental illness.
2. If the both of you have fought from the beginning, I don't mean to be mean, just a reality here...either both of you are just a bit too immature yet mentally to handle a relationship as best as is needed, or the two of you just are wrong for each other.
I mean no slur against you, if immaturity I am talking of scientific proof that the frontal lobe of the brain isn't done maturing to its adult state until we hit our mid 20's for most or even later for some. Every human goes thru this. Without a completely mature mind, one can not easily handle their own life and decisions well let alone interacting with another human in the best manner. So this may be the issue. Only you would know deep down if this is the case. Time may change that but its at least 5 yrs or more before both of you get there and many relationships people have before their mid to late twenties are doomed over this one issue and though damages in some case can be undone by use of counseling for couples, often the damage is bad enough that each person needs to start over with someone else. Yes, you can love someone who isn't right for you. I was there, so I know. But in the time, I had to think about the toll it had taken on my physical health, the stress of it and knew I was shortening my life by continueing to stay with my ex, so I left. I actually had a day vision from God, that if I didn't leave him, I'd be dead from the stress by 4 years from then. I left but not after trying counseling only to find out the extent of his mental illness.
Its really up to you to look at this closely and have a good talk with him. Is he the one you want to grow old with together and have children with. Would he make a good father or even want to be one? Having a list of deal breakers for a relationship is a must. I made such a list when searching for a 2nd mate. A deal breaker is something that you must have in the partner or if he doesn't fit the bill, you don't consider a relationship with him or continueing one with him. If you have lets say 6 items on your list of must haves and he doesn't meet one or two, well it won't be perfect but you can make it work. If he doesn't meet 3 or 4, it will be rocky but with determine from both, you can make it work but may be miserable more often than happy. If he doesn't
meet 5 or 6 or your 'must have' deal breakers, then he's totally wrong for you.
Hope this is helpful in you making a decision.
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The Simplest Solution to the Question is What is more Important the Person or the Argument.
You will find all solutions if you learn to let go off things and stop arguing keeping aside your ego.
The age is to tender to allow all this but if you still hang on him and you feel you carry the feelings and can make a good couple you need to rest your ego and confess to him that you need him.
The change in your behavior will ultimately lead to a change in his and you shall find a happy living for sure.
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