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Wife's suspicious phone activity
My wife and I have been married for 2 years. I have recently noticed 3 red flags and don't know how to approach the subject without accusing her of anything.
1) She has become very protective of her phone. She brings it everywhere (when she used to leave it everywhere), and even flips the screen away from me if it's sitting on the table. She is texting somebody (I know it's a much older coworker), and will angle the phone away from me so I can't see anything.
2) She turned off "Find my Friends." We used it moreso so I don't text her "where are you" if I can see she's on her way home from work.
3) She's been having ever-frequent work happy hours. She used to have about 1 per month, but she has had a total of 8 this month and they usually go later than normal.
My problem with everything is nothing has changed at home. She's still very friendly to me, initiate's kisses or "I Love You's," and other things. My feeling is that if something were going on, she wouldn't be acting normal at home.
I want to bring it up with her, but don't know how without making her mad or think I don't trust her. However I've been losing sleep over it and am terrified that this is a major issue. Any help would be great.
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Changes in someones previoulsy fairly predictable and established routines and communications habits and activity are often an indication that they are indeed doing something which they do not wish to disclose I'm afraid. More betraying than changes in behaviour when you are with them, which is relatively easy to conceal or deflect. Chiefly because if it WAS a case of infidelity then however good one is a bluffing and re-directing awkward questions etc then the two people absolutely must be in communication with each other and there must be times when they are actually 'together'. In a way the argument against an affair of 'acting normal at home' defeats itself purely because of the 'acting' reference. Your physical movements and communications are impossible to edit and airbrush out. I'd assume there is some concealment going on here from what you describe. But not all concealment entails a romantic involvement. And as you say, accusations with nothing to base them on except a fairly common trajectory (re. movements and communications) is not a good idea. Which only really leaves us with 'monitoring the situation' and 'wait and see' must be the best suggestion. Hopefully the situation does not involve infidelity at all. Possibly if it does nothing that actually constitutes infedilty has 'happened yet'. Or further down the scale it may only be brief, which is far from ideal of course but not as bad as a proper emotional connection which entails a complete separation. The options are somewhat limited in that if a person does decide to 'stray' from their partner then they are going to, however you handle it and as such we remain powerless to prevent it however much intelligence we may have gathered and processed. Clearly you know each other's character and understand each other, and so if you believe a direct confrontation wil break the trust in the relationship, and likely make her 'mad' then it's best avoided for now. The older co-worker is possibly 'prime suspect'. But if the working hours are merely a blind then it could be anyone, anywhere that these hours are spent with and may not include any work colleague in any way. Are you positive the text exchanges she does not want you to read or see are destined for this guy? Are geo-location functions suddenly disabled to cover her movements, or has something made her think they are intrusive and a bad idea? (I think they are, for instance and would never enable them to anyone). It all could be something or nothing, which I agree is not a great 'answer'. But the difference between steaming-in and forcing a confrontation, or playing a waiting game will not actually change the outcome. It will only change the timing of the outcome. Which is between her and whatever/whoever is claiming those hours and is the subject of the concealed messages. Best wishes. Might be nothing to do with other guys?
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I believe you are under the impression where there is smoke there is fire. You also feel the need to confront your wife on the subject. I dislike the word confront as it is part of the word confrontation. Whenever you confront someone about anything you can expect there is going to be a confrontation and when this happens nothing gets solved.
To start with ask yourself the following questions.
1) do you have the right to know what is going on in your wife's life?
2) Do you feel she is trying to hide things from you?
3)What has changed if anything in our marriage?
I know you have answered these question in you message to us but you need to go back and reexamine the answer you gave before you confront her.
Even though you are married your wife and you still have the right to a personal life apart from each other. This includes having separate friends and doing things with them apart from each other.
It is possible to have friends of the opposite sex and not be cheating on each other. Is it possible that this older co worker is of the opposite sex. That nothing is going on but a friendship and she hides it because you would not understand her having friend of the opposite sex.
If everything is the same at home, your sex life is unchanged. She still does everything with you she did before theses thing you talk about came about. Do you really think there is more than just a friendship going on with this co-worker.
Once you have reviewed these questions if you still think where there is smoke there is fire then confronting her may be your only option.
The other thing to do is to wait. If there is more going on her you will know when she comes home. She will either have the scent of just having sex about her or will smell fresh from a shower. When that happens if it happens then you have the right to confront her.
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well its good that shes still telling you she loves you and whatnot. What you might want to do is right in those moments where your seeing her turn her screen away or act like shes trying to conceal something from you while your trying to do something with her, just treat her like her being on the phone is getting in the way of the two of you spending time together and your just curious as to whats going on. shes your WIFE not your girlfriend and you have the right inquire about her activities. ESPECIALLY if they come off as suspicious. Remind her that you both took vows to SHARE your lives together and thats what your supposed to be doing not hiding things.
If she gets mad at you when you simply (AND CALMLY) ask her "hey what are you doing on your phone again im trying to spend time with you??" then something IS up and i would start cutting forcing her to let you either see the phone or explain herself.
In my eyes, your the man, you wear the pants in the relationship and its OK for you to take some initiative here and ask your woman to explain herself if you think shes acting "off" whatever you do though STAY calm no matter how angry she gets when you bring this stuff up, woman are emotional creatures and feed of other peoples anger but as long as you stay totally calm and collected and think through what your going to say before you say it, youll be fine.
lets go through a situation where shes acting off ok?
your sitting somewhere eating together and shes hiding her phone screen and on her phone the whole time
you: Ummm who are you talking to on there? i thought we're trying to spend some nice time together and eat and it seems liek your somewhere else right now??
her: (no matter what she says here even if its snarky or mean stay calm)
you:well actions speak louder then words and what it looks like is your not acting very trustworthy right now, i just wanna know who your talking to on there all the time.
her: why do you care?
you:well it looks like your trying to hide something from me who are you talking to?
her: (something like "im not hiding anything idk what your talking")
you:well if you have nothing to hide then you can tell me then huh?? or get her to let you SEE the phone so you can look through it.
NOW, if you pay for both your and her phone then threaten to cut the phone service off if she continues to act like this and refuses to explain herself. Try remember what cards you to play here and play them but in a nice way.
whatever happens throughout this though its not going to help to get angry or loud with her. Try just staying calm, and quiet so she feels your listening to what she has to say.
men dont realize they can also give woman the silent treatment just as easily as they can but it effect them MUCH more emotionally. If things get serious enough you can try that and when you do talk say as little as possible and when she asks whats wrong just say, "nothing i just wanna know who your constantly talking to on there thats it" remind her that she can put an end to all this right now if she just explains herself and everything can go back to normal.
good luck
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You don't trust her. So if she thinks that, she's right.
And she might get mad. She might get mad if she is cheating, and she might get mad if she's not cheating.
But if you say nothing, you're going to feel worse and you are going to go on not trusting her.
So you have to speak up and ask her what is going on. You've noticed very real changes in her behaviour. Focus on the increased nights out, not the phone behaviour. Turning off locations services - I mean frankly that just sane behaviour - I wouldn't want anyone, even my partner looking up where I was ever second. That's just weird. Even her privacy around her messages - which she utterly entitled to privacy about, although it might make you fearful.
Instead, talk about honestly about your fears. Don't spend the entire conversation focusing in on her behaviour. Let her know what you are certain of. You are certain that she is staying out later, more often with co-workers. You are certain that she is regular contact with one particular co-worker.
Instead of making accusations, ask questions. You may also ask her to understand how these behaviours make you feel. No matter how you much you might trust someone, some behaviours just look dishonest. She has to acknowledge, even if she not cheating, that what she is doing, doesn't look good.
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Please do not do what missundersmock has suggested. Even if you are being cheated on - which sucks and is awful - it does not mean you should become controlling and abusive. Demanding to see her phone or threatening to cut off the contract for her phone is straight up abuse. Even if you do it without yelling, that is not cool. That kind of deliberate, nasty confrontation will kill your relationship past any chance of it being saved, even if she isn't cheating. Plain and simple. Cheating is never okay. Abuse, attacks and invasions are also never okay - even if you manage them without yelling.
And the silent treatment? Seriously. You are not 12. Don't punish your partner with silence. That is not a valid technique to address problems between adults.
There is no 'nice' way to be abusive. Just be a respectful human being. Bring this up in a calm way and clear way. Don't just go into attack mode when you spot the behaviour you are worried about. Nothing about that can be 'nice', and worse, it's counterproductive. It's really hard to take the high road of someone else has betrayed you, but their betrayal doesn't mean you are entitled to do whatever the hell you want to them. Whatever has happened, whatever she has done, you still have to go on living with yourself, so act in such a way that you can hold your head high, knowing that you treated her with basic human dignity and respect - not as though she was a disobedient child - even if she didn't behave that way towards you.
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I think a good way to approach this is by having a talk in which you ask her to let you say what you need to say before she speaks. Then tell her that you have noticed some different behavior from her as of lately that wasn't there before and so it has you wondering what's going on. Dont mention the three points you are wondering as what she is doing. Turn it around and ask her what if you were doing it. Ask her to tell you how she'd feel and what she'd be thinking and imagining if she put herself in your shoes. And now I will list the things. You see me become very protective over my cell. I no longer leave it laying about. When I am using it in a room with you, I make sure you can't see the screen, I am spending more happy hours with work buddies that grow longer, etc.... what would those things make you think about or how would you feel?
If she can answer that its normal and wouldn't bother her, its pretty for sure that she's lying as women are territorial and get jealous very easily if they even imagine their guy hiding something from her whether theres truth to it or not. You did say 'acting normal' and the problem there is the word acting...which implies that there's a chance its' just for show, like watching a movie or a show, its just an acting job and not for real. So the question then becomes, why would a woman want to 'Act" as if all was okay when its not for her? Well a big one is security. When I dated before meeting my 2nd husband, I met guys on dating sites who claimed to be single but once with me said they had wives and just wanted the sex or the best friend part of a relationship that they weren't getting from the wife. They had one part of it, usually the best friend part but not sexually compatible. I wouldn't become the other woman, goes against my own personal conscience. I know there are some situations in which it is understandable and wouldn't condemn others. But when asked, what if you just came out in the open, asked for a open marriage to pursue me or someone else, once it's out in the open and you have her approval, if it means you'll still be there for her, then its no longer cheating but you have her permission. Every single guy said he still loved his wife and wouldn't do anything that might threaten her leaving and asking him for a divorce. No one jumped at the chance to come out in the open about it. So I am saying, its quite possible in reverse if thats truly whats happening cus you and I don't know. But if you do ever discover something, realize that there is a possibility that she can still love you but also have a need for some other guy. This is covered in polyamorous relationships. Some are relationships with sex, some without but the thing with these, is like open marriages, its all in the open and people are secure with their core relationship, like a marriage but each are okay with and neither gets jealous or feels threatened by the attention and love or even sex given to another as they realize there are some things that they cannot fulfill for their partner, they come close but it's enjoyable to experience those things you might not ever otherwise. You could write her a long letter explaining how you are feeling and asking how she'd feel in return. Then be bold and ask a what if question, in case your'e okay with it, what if you met someone else but still loved me and didn't want to lose me or the marriage. Would you want to have an open marriage? You have a relationship on the side as we're giving each other permission so its not cheating, and you also allow me the same, and do not feel your status with me threatened so you don't have any jealousy issues. Can you imagine something like that working for us. No, there is no other woman I've met. I'm just thinking of you right now, a what if, because I love you so much, I'd be willing to explore this with you. Then there's always swinging by meeting other couples on line and swapping partners for some fun. Since you're likely both young and only 2 years married, I do not recommend this at all unless the two of you are seriously at a crossroads of wanting to stay together but she is needing something fulfilled she doesn't get from you.
Its up to you, you can try the 'what if" and imagine this" game with her without first bringing up what you are seeing. You know her best. It could be that she actually has friends from work, females who fill a need of best friend that you dont, there may be no other guy. HOpe this helps a bit.
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