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I keep wanting to hook up with him again.. but i have a boyfriend
i will just clarify that i am 20 year old female and go to college. i have been with my soulmate since the age of 15 years old. we always have so much fun together.. i can be my 100% self around him and i know he loves me for it. we have a super healthy relationship. so healthy, that i will tell him anything even if it means hurting him.. you see, there's this pretty boy i've always looked at but kept it secret, lets call him "B." turns out B and i have a mutual bestfriend and we will call him "K.". K told me last week that "B" said I'm cute and he is interested in me. once i heard this, i instantaneously wanted to hook up with him. therefore, that weekend i invited my boyfriend over to confirm that i wanted to go on a break (because i am not a cheater & i knew how badly i wanted to hook up with this guy). my boyfriend did not handle the news well at all, and i felt selfish for taking a break for that reason, but after all of these years, i really wanted to experiment with someone else and get it out of my system now and NOT when i'm married. so all week while I was on a break,i hooked up with B 3 times and we did everything except sex. it has been so fun. it felt great to know what it feels like to do those things with someone other than my boyfriend. although neither B or me are looking for relationships, i really find joy in hooking up with him. not that it makes me happy like doing it with my boyfriend does, but its really exciting because its new and we barely know each other. we are just physically/ sexually attracted to each other. i am going to continue being on a break with my man next week and by break i mean we are broken up until i am finished feeling the way i feel right now. my question is, why do i want to keep hooking up with this guy? is it because its new?is it because I'm not bored yet? is it because i find him way more attractive than my bf of 5 years? I'm trying to find the reason because I KNOW i don't like him. he's just very very sexy like a christian grey kinda sexy. my boyfriend is very sensitive looking, and would take a bullet for me any second of the day. B is very about himself and works very very hard in school. he is known for not giving full attention to his previous girlfriends of the past and this is the very reason i know i would not want to be with him! all of the girls at school want him and he has hooked up with a handful of girls but B is certainly a good person inside and out. what i'm trying to say is that i don't know what it means if i want to keep hooking up with him when i am so in love with my man of 5 years. and i'm not forcing myself to say that, i truly mean it. and i will always love him. i know he IS in fact my soulmate. when i spoke to my man last night i told him I'm going to come back to him but i just needed several weeks to be unrestricted and pursue things i always wanted to do. i referred to this as "a mid-relationship crisis." meaning, (in my books), right now we are halfway to marriage. we have been dating 5 years and we will probably be dating 5 more years till we get married. because i started dating him so young, all i ever had was him- NOBODY else and i mean that.
another question i have is, what do i do if this guy doesn't wanna hook up with me again? I'm really into hooking up with him but i feel like if he told me he didn't want to anymore i'd be disappointed to some extent. this man is gorgeous and he can honestly get any girl he wants. i would be jealous not because I'm "into him"( because I'm not!) but i would be jealous because i know how good he is at hooking up and i'd be jealous of the girl he is hooking up with and getting pleased. not because i want him to be mine. does that make sense? what should i do if he stops wanting to hook up? i'd really miss it haha....ah all of these questions.. anyone who gives me an answer of any kind to what i've asked on here, i will love you.
sincerely,
mentally fucking confused :/
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I am sure you will get plenty of response from others on this, both supporting you and not.
I will try for both. On the support side, kind of, when we are young, it's not about how long we can hold on to one relationship but how many different people we can experience relationships with for the purpose of figuring out what we really want and need in the opposite sex. Once we can recognize who Mr. Right is for us, then it's a matter of making that lifelong commitment to just that one person, with marriage contract or not. This investigative and learning period of several relationships until you learn what it is you're looking for so that when you find it, you'll recognize it and have no thoughts what so ever of what you're missing with others because the one is so right for you. That is a normal process.
From what you are saying though, you seem to be one of the few who met the right guy (accidently) from the start. I say accidently because you were not consciously trying to learn what it is you need and want from a guy. So now that you have your guy, you aren't fully able to delight in him because he just kinda fell into your lap without you having to work to find him. However in your need to satisfy the curiousity of what its like to be with other attractive men and wanted sexually by them, you chance losing the right guy over the slaking of your curiousity.
You say you'd feel jealous if Mr. B no longer wants you, hooking up or for sex. Meeting exclusively with him to experience or fill a need of yours (sex or not) You knew that would be cheating. So of course, you broke up with your boyfriend with the intent of going back to him after you got your fill of this other guy. So now, I ask you, put yourself in boyfriends shoes. Imagine instead that he has asked to break up with you and you discover he is wanting to experience a fling with another girl before coming back to you. Would you consider his thinking to be solid and rational and make total sense? Get it out of your system now...like the engaged guy who beds as many women as he can as the wedding approaches because afterwards he can't cus he's married? You know you wouldn't stand for that, no woman would, so he shouldn't have to either. A commitment of words to a person or piece of paper (marriage license) does not change the chemistry between two people or the love and commitment. Many who are in committed relationships and marriage cheat.
I am not trying to say you are a terrible person dear but I want you to ask yourself if perhaps, you deep down inside know, that what you were contemplating doing and are now doing was wrong and you just tried to come up with a line of reasoning in your mind that you can easily rationalize as being okay so you don't have to deal with guilt. Let's say this, if boyfriend knew the reason why you broke up with him, so you could have a fling 'guilt free' and come back to him once you're ready to, Do you think he'd even take you back? Do you believe he could ever fully trust you again? Do you think his heart would not be terribly hurt?
It is was the other way around, you might seriously consider not taking him back.
A bit about me so I can explain better how I know what a Mr. Right is and Mr. Wrong is. At 20 I married a Christian man I met in church. So your age. I know now I was so naive and really knew nothing about how to look for signs to confirm I've got the right guy or what signs would say I don't have the right guy. Its a matter of no experience with others to be able to compare and learn. He was my 1st too. But we knew each other a year before marrying. Soon after marrying he began to mistreat me, verbal abuse. I found in the end, 30 yrs later that he never was in love with me, I was just filling an insecurity in him to have someone around, and we also were not sexually compatible. The excitement of sex at first was only due to New Relationship energy, a phenomenom we all experience in other areas, like wanting a certain toy so badly for Christmas. Once we get it, we play with it daily until a point when it loses that special interest we 1st had and we can't see why we ever wanted it so badly in the first place. The energy of newness wore off and he was sexually frustrated and I totally unfulfilled or experienced in sex, Found no joy in it, no orgasms, no romance. The abuse got worse and killed any last bit of respect I had for him. After leaving and divorcing I started dating again and finally as an adult began to learn what it was I really needed and wanted in a man. (I have an instructional on how to determine someone is a good match for you-If interested in it let me know as it is just as long as what I'm writing now)
Now, I learned from experiencing life in early twenties to what I was like in late 20's that there was a world of difference in how my mind was able to view and sort things out. I didn't think to ask for advice as you're doing so you're one up on me. But realize that your brain isn't fully complete growing and scientific studies have proven the pre frontal cortex doesn't become fully mature, done growing until mid twenties or beyond. So in a way, all your decision making stuff of life is going to be handicapped in a way until your brain has fully matured.
I am trying to give you lots of different viewpoints of how to look at your situation without condemning you as I've been there. I think the majority of people mostly learn by mistakes when it comes to dating and relationships, so you're not odd for finding yourself confused dear.
Now lets consider another thing, how do you really know that BF, is really the perfect guy, your soul mate as you say? Without much dating experience or world experience behind you, due to your age, would you agree that you could be unintentionally missing clues that perhaps on a scale of 1-10 that he is not a 9 or 10 for you? What if he rates 6, 7,8, is that enough to keep you happy? Heres something else from my perspective, I have found the most wonderful man for my 2nd husband. I can truly say we are soul mates. We are so deeply in love still after almost 6 years marriage so I'd like to share what I believe is existent in the relationship that show how much we love each other. A soul mate is someone you love so deeply that you don't care what it is you're doing together, running chores, cooking, cleaning, or fun stuff, it is all so much better just for having each other at our sides to experience all of life together. Neither of us likes running off to do a chore on our own, but will do so if need be. Another thing we find is that we can't stand the thought of or seeing of the other hurting or in pain, either due to sickness, something else in life that happened or something I did that was unintentional. We never raise our voice to each other, we don't sweat the small stuff, and choose our words and actions wisely, not doing anything that could hurt his heart, only wanting to love each other fully. And this is where I bring it back to you dear. In truth, were you even thinking of his heart in all this, how hurt he would be to know? Perhaps what you believe to be 100% In Love with him, is not actually that strong if you are able to risk hurting him. Even if you never tell, all it takes is a mutual friend seeing you with the other guy and telling him and then there's trouble. Can he get past the hurt? Maybe. Maybe not...and that's where you are taking risks at life happiness with him, because like a house of cards, it could all come crashing down too easily.
Here's another thing to think about, since all good solid relationships are built on a two fold foundation of 1. Being each others best friend and 2. being each others sexual equal. Could it be that Boyfriend is your best friend but you have chosen to ignore that facts that he's not a 10 as far as being also perfect as a sex partner for you. Is the chemistry fully there? In my case, I and hubby can appreciate the good looks of another of the opposite sex but have no desire to have sexual attention of any sort nor have we desire for the actual looks of the other. We have found that looks do not make a great sex partner, its much more. But looks are important enough to an extent. You can't get turned on if nothing about the person visually doesn't turn you on. My hubby still has weight to lose by there are many things I still find handsome and attractive about him and apparantly so do other women cus they've been caught looking at him as well as guys looking at me. My husband says as a little boy he looked at the shapes of all the mommys and decided the exact figure that he was interested in wanting to have for a wife some day. His ideas and desire never changed. He had plenty of girlfriends and a wife before me. Some came close in one area, but he claims I am the first female he's met that is exactly the body he envisioned as a child as being the ultimate best catch and he's in love with my personality as well. He finds he just can't be turned on by other beautiful women out there because he's so in love with me. I feel the same way, I don't want any other guy for attention, admiration, sexual attraction and attention or even sex. I get that all from my man. Why am I telling you this? Because maybe there's a chance you don't realize yet that you and he are only a good match as the 'best friends' part, but not a perfect match as sexual partners. You need both to make a relationship work. Just something for you to think on and figure out. From what you say, you already realize that B is not a guy who would make good relationship material. Don't fall into the trap of holding on to boyfriend for the other part of a relationship and running to other men for the romance and sex part of it. You will lose.
Look for the guy who is right for you in both area's. Obviously according to you, B is not perfect for you in both areas. You just need to realize whether boyfriend also is not perfect and stop relationship with either guy forever and go looking for the right one. And if boyfriend is right in both areas, drop the Mr. B and go back to your man if you can truly be with him and never wonder or wander again. I hope this all gives you something to think about and write me from my column if you want the instructional on how to find Mr. Right. I wish you the best dear.
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