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My girflriend broke up with me, now im depressed
Gender- Male
Age-14
I am a very intelligent and shy person. There was a beautiful girl at my school by the name of Kamryn. I had liked her for a very, very long time, even though we didn't know each other very well. After speaking to one of my best friends (who is also one of Kamryn's best friends), I discovered that she liked me as well. On February 12th I finally worked up the courage to ask her out. I had gotten her a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a rose (as cliche as it may seem, it was almost Valentine's Day). She said yes, and it was then that I had my first girlfriend. I tried to do everything right; I sent her goodnight and good morning texts every night and morning, I compliment her everyday (I tried not to compliment her to much, as not to dilute the meaning, but simply couldn't help stating my mind). We still didn't talk too often during school (as we are both very shy and soft-spoken people). We did, however, text each other all the time. I attempted to make conversation with her whenever I could, but she never reciprocated. I am an INTJ, and contemplate every finite detail very thoroughly. I took any blame or negative aspect out on myself. Out of the blue, after only twenty days of dating, she told me that there are a lot of things going on in her life, and that she thinks we should break up. I understand her point of view, but as a person of pure logic and reason, I am having a constant internal battle of reasoning. I am seeing two equal and true perspectives. I keep analyzing all of the possibilities; perhaps she only said yes to spare my feelings. I have been deeply depressed. I haven't slept more than three hours a night, and haven't eaten anything since the breakup, nor have I spoken to anyone for any reason. There is no advice that can help me, but I never speak of my feelings to anyone, so I figured, "why not?" I expect to see all of the things that are all too common and all the less helpful; "It will pass," "You're young, you'll go through a lot of girlfriends," "You can't let it get to you," and the classic, "There are plenty of fish in the sea."
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The old "there are many fish in the sea" and the others don't help at all. I'm not here to tell you you'll find someone just like her, but you will find the one right for you. I don't think she just said yes to spare your feelings. I know the easiest thing to do is think she never liked you to begin with, but there really may be things going on where she can't have a boyfriend. You have to consider all the possibilities. She could have family trouble (which me and my dad experience every day) or maybe she's a little afraid right now. If you really love her, give her some time, and maybe ask her out again. Just because she broke up with you doesn't mean all hope is lost, so don't think that it is. Keep your head up and be determined to win her back instead of closing yourself up from everybody. Your really hurting yourself doing this. Try to eat a little. Even if it's just a meal a day or having a little snack. You don't want to win her over by worrying her your gonna kill yourself. Please speak with someone. Get your closest friend and open up. You have no clue how much better it is to speak your mind then let it all bottle up. It may help you
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I'm going to sound cliche, but you are young. Another thing is it wasn't that long and you should be glad she confronted you early on in the relationship and you didn't find out way later on she didn't want o be with you which would hurt you way more. It seems to me like there was a lot of miscommunication and she didn't see the relationship going anywhere since you didn't do anything with her, take her on dates, talk constantly or anything of the sort. You have to talk to her to be in a relationship. You should also be comfortable around her because if you aren't, then what's the point? It's just a label.
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We have all been where you are. When it was me, I lost a bunch of weight I was depressed and alone. But then I dont know exactly what happened, but I realized that I am fucking awesome, and nothing can stop me from living. I would get up and listen to my favorite song, eat what ever made me feel good, and every time I saw that other person, just think about how fucking great I was and how they were missing out on all this amazing. Also obviously if she didnt work out, there is someone else out there who needs you much more in their life and vise versa.
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Okay, first of all, I know how you feel. I feel like this right now as well. I lost someone extremely close to me and I thought we had a chance, sadly she was taken but I did fall in love with her, she was beautiful. I love her, I still do. I'm going to keep my advice short and simple. Don't let this get to you, it's already made me sad and I've been quieter ever since. Give yourself time, you're so young. Explore life, live it to the fullest. This is just a roadblock in your way.
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As intelligent as you are, I am sure you realize you are not at all like the guys your age. Intellectually you're way beyond teen-hood or maybe even college age. This one fact in itself is going to make it difficult for you to find anyone your age who can connect with you to the point they want to be your steady girlfriend. A big part of the problem you're going to continue to find for quite some time is that other teens, the majority of them, no matter their personality type have brains that just aren't are mature as yours. The issue is the frontal lobe of the brain in teens. I will give you the best definition I've found of the problem and a link to what an MD has to say on it before I continue.
Brain development~~Prefrontal Cortex in teens
"The prefrontal cortex, is a section of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments and controls impulses and emotions. This section of the brain also helps people understand one another. The prefrontal cortex section of the brain in teens is still a little immature as compared to adults; and it doesn't fully develop until your mid-20s."
Although Dragonfly has witnessed the fact that for half the population is seems that target of finally having a mature brain seems to be closer to age 30.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
So you're going to continue to be the odd duckling out as far as the majority of teens let alone teen girls who might make a good girlfriend for you. But it's not impossible to find the right one for you. I have a feeling you're not into going through lots of short term girlfriends which is actually the norm for most teens as they are no where near putting as much thought and logic into how to relate to the other sex.
You on the other hand are aware of your personality type, something most college age people still haven't even given a thought to. And being aware of what you are like, you made sure to take the steps necessary to push yourself beyond the limits of who and what you are at core, being more social and outgoing and as far as I can tell from what you wrote, you did everything just right. At 14, I wanted a boyfriend but there was no one like you or my 2nd husband out there. So don't beat yourself up. It's nothing you did wrong and I am glad you wrote in so I can reassure you.
As a rule, most teens I have found seem more easily drawn to other teens that capture the attention due to some of our senses responding in that way, sight and sound. Those that are more pretty or handsome than the average looking person who has their own beauty, and those who are more outgoing and talkative and are more confident or cocky or just good at pretending it, are the ones who are going to capture the eyes of their peers. You did say she was beautiful to you and it is important to be visually attracted to the person who will hopefully become your partner but at the same time, combined with the brain immaturity, lots of guys pass over many girls who are pleasant to average looking who may make great girlfriends but don't first catch the eye.
As to my experience with personality types, I want to make a point that hopefully will help you understand the percentage of people like you. In my twenties, while married to 1st husband, we took a Saturday class held at a hotel to learn more about our personality types. He rightly believed understanding this would help him with dealing with clients when starting his own business and interacting with clientel. The teacher showed a diagram of a square made into 4 smaller squares. Each square represented different personality types. There were certain descriptions of people on the lines where one square came up to the next so you could have have some of the traits of the square to your left and some of the one to your right. He then told people to go to the corner of the room designated for people of the type they believed to be. Once in my group, I felt great, I was with people just like me, and when I looked up, my husband had ended up in the promoter type group while I was with the Supporter type. I was shocked to find that the more intellectual types, Controllers and Analysts had very few people in it. This was a very basic test, not as in depth as Myers-Briggs but It showed me something that I found valuable in life. A class of about 50 people ended up split with the outgoing types in the majority averaging about 20 each. The introvert types of Controller and Analyst were about 5 people each. That means that 80% of people are outgoing and very social while you find yourself in the 20% which once split into the two basic types means that there'll only be 10% of the population where a girl is like you and can understand you and appreaciate you. You're smart enough to recognize some of these basic traits in others. like adviceman said "You'll know it when you look into her eyes." There are surely the right types out there for you and tho other teens may have no clue of their personality types, you will by simply observing them. Go back and study the other types. Here's a description of the basic communication style types.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If drawn in a square, you'll find you share sides with the Controller types and the Supporter types with a leaning more towards one or the other depending on where you break down into with the 16 more precise personality types. SO my best guess is to look for girls who are either Analysts or Supporters who are able to be both shy and quiet or social and outgoing all in one bundle. As a supporter, my first husband was a promoter, my second is an Analyst. He had trouble finding girls his own age for years. Once he turned 18, he began dating women older than him, even into their 30's. He was mature enough to interest them, many divorcees not looking for marriage, just a boyfriend and he fit the bill.
All of this to say, dont take it personally when a girl breaks up with you. Yes it will hurt and it takes time to recover from the heartache but in time you will recover. The depression will not last forever unless you are always a depressed person and need to be on medication. A normally not depressed person will react emotionally to something hard and difficult and unexpected and hurtful by feeling depressed. The best things to help you feel better if it drags out too long for you, is once ready to be back to your cheery self, play the type of music that is therapeudic for you, the kind that makes your heart feel like as a balloon or like your soul is floating inside you. Watching the kind of comedy that makes you laugh works well too, laughter is a good medicine, do something active like running, exercise, for me something like skipping down the road does it for me cus its feels childlike and silly but freeing at the same time, and hugs help more than you would know, giving or recieving them. IF you're not normally a huggy type, just ask mom to give you some really good hugs for the next couple days, or Dad because you need it. Singing along to favorite songs helps too. These are things that help your body to create more NT's, neural transmitters that help your brain be able to cope with the stressful things in life. When the level of NT's in your body run low or to empty because they are being used up faster due to the stress of your break up for example, the low levels are another way of saying depressed levels and thus the term of a person feeling depressed. A clinically depressed persons body can't produce these NT's no matter what they do and they need medication that does it for them. Others like yourself suffering only as a traumatic situation happens to you, will recover and sooner if they do what it takes to make them feel better. By the way, I play a favorite song not once but about 5 times in a row to get the needed lift I need. good luck to you dear.
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You did hit all the hot button answers and they are, for the most part true. You are suffering from first love lost syndrome. A very real malady that hits us all when we lose are first love. It hurts and it is supposed to for first loves are real or at least they feels that way.
I remember my first true love. It was an on again off romance that ended in a Dear John letter when I was in South East Asia. I found out years later that she blew up like a balloon, was a horrible nag and the guy she left me for divorced her. I've been married to the same women for 44 years and she has been there for me through thick and thin.
Sure it hurt to get the Dear John letter. It took everything my friends could do to keep me from jumping the first pane heading east, I was in the Air Force. Finally the Deputy Commander of Maintenance sat me down and had a fatherly talk with me. He said everything you wrote that we would say to you; he also said, "If it was meant to be, it would be and she would still be waiting for you." There is another girl waiting to meet you and when you get home she will be there for you." I met that girl six months after I returned home and six months later we were married.
He did not say there are more fish in the sea; he said there is one fish in the sea waiting to meet me . I'm telling you the same thing. You are young, you will meet other girls and there is one specific girl out of all the girls in the sea just waiting to meet you. I cannot tell you where that will be. or when I could be today, tomorrow or a year from next Tuesday but she is there and when you look in each other’s eyes you will both know you have found your life's mate.
My advice is give yourself another day of pity party then throw it off and start looking into the eyes of other girls. You will know her when you see her.
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