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He's not smart enough for me?
Hi! I'm having a love crisis here that I need a little advice on. There's a guy that I like and I'm pretty sure that he likes me. He's pretty cute, hilarious, an amazing artist, and a decent writer. The problem is, he's not smart. He gets straight C's at best and he's just over all not super intellectual. I wouldn't mind him not being naturally academic if he would just TRY. I've worked with him in groups and partners and he doesn't try to hide the fact that he doesn't care about school at all. I've been an above average hard working honors student my whole life so you can see why his lack of effort turns me off. Am I being shallow? I really like him, but I'm not going to even think about asking him out if he doesn't put in a little effort.
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There's nothing wrong with wanting to date someone that's your intellectual equal. The relevant question is whether or not this is a "deal breaker" for you. If you were to date would you constantly be wondering what it would be like to date someone smarter, or is this something that you think you would get over in time?
From the sound of your question, I'm assuming you're on the younger side. Now is the best time of your life to date around and find out what qualities are the most important to you. You could try casually going on a few dates with this guy and deciding whether or not you still want to date him in spite of his lack of great grades. If you find that he is definitely not what you're looking for, you can politely tell him you think you're better off as friends.
Of course, the choice is ultimately after you. You don't have to even try a few dates with someone if you don't think it'll work. Don't be afraid to have certain qualities that you aren't willing to overlook.
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Maybe you just don't see it yet. Grades don't define how smart you are, grades just show how well you followed someone else's curriculum. A lot of smart guys are getting lower grades now. A lot of it has to do with social pressures and issues. In high school a lot of people told me I was really smart and shouldn't be failing. I learned what was taught and did well on tests yet I still had bad grades. So it kind of implies that we're not really in school to learn. So I'd get discouraged a lot. It can't be that I was lazy. I used to spend hours after school with the robotics/engineering team, where it's actually hands on and everything actually applies and we weren't graded in that. Now I'm working while a lot of my friends are in college. I'm making more than the average college graduate yet I have no degree. I also beat about 130 employees in performance and attendance. I'm 19 and I bring home more than both my parents. And I have plenty of plans I'm working on. Unfortunately I'm sacrificing a lot of fun and girls will turn me down because I dropped out of college or because I'm short and quiet. But I'm getting closer to the future I want everyday. Much faster than a lot of people my age. And sometimes I just feel like quitting and hopping on the wagon because if I did, I know more people would like me. But the way I see it is I'd rather work really hard while I'm young so I could actually live rather than work my entire life- which is what school trains us to do, so grades don't mean anything. Maybe he realizes that the school system treats us as manufactured employees and doesn't want to be a part of it.
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Being above average, I can understand why you cannot stand him putting in no effort. Though on the other hand, he may not have an easy time concentrating. It could actually be bothering him because he wants to be better but just can't break old habits. My grades aren't so hot, and that's how I can kinda understand. Sometimes the thought of school can make one nervous and not being able to concentrate, so he may just want to go out and have fun. That's the way most teens are. They don't want to just get bad grades, but sometimes it's hard to just study. If you like him, I say give him a chance, and maybe help him study without him knowing it. Turn it into something fun. Best of luck!
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No I don't believe you are being shallow. What I believe is you are an achiever possible an over-achiever. You see in him someone who is lazy and just wants to pass through life making a s few waves a possible.
This makes you polar opposites and contrary to the science of polar opposites this does make him attractive to you. Yes there are some things about him you like or even find attractive. Those things though do not outweigh his laziness and that is a spoiler to you. You want to be around people like yourself who are willing to take up a challenge and who look forward to challenges. His turning you off has nothing to do with intellect or his educational grades. If he was hard working and still could only manage a c you probably feel differently about him.
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Do you mean he's not intellectual enough to hold your attention in discussions, with your friends etc. By 'hilarious' I assume you mean he's entertaining company and that's maybe a better quality socially and in just talking together. Unless you need your conversations and dinner party conversations to be highly intellectual. If you mean low intellect equals poor grades equals low income then you have to be honest with yourself. How much does he have to go into a job with early high-income prospects to keep you happy and in the life you envisage? If you need a high-flyer and he clearly isn't ever going to be one then you should probably look elsewhere. But probe him a bit on what he intends to do with his 'amazing artist' gift. Illustrators can command big incomes. If he could turn it to computer generated artistry, especially 3D then broadcast and games artists are well paid too. The same skills in movie production are very well paid indeed! Journalistic positions for big magazines are more often from the 'good degree' in English/languages based subjects and specific media and journalist studies (the specific ones WILL have to be 'firsts' really, as well).There are literally millions of decent writers out there waiting to have their work discovered and become top sellers so I wouldn't base any real future prospects on this happenning. Too many contenders and not enough market. Idenitify his objectives and THEN evaluate his level of effort, and thus his probability of 'making something of himself' I'd say. There are more paths to income and success than just academia. Any help?
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Look, it seems like thats just the type of person he is, you can't change that, but maybe if you date, he will change because he sees what you are doing. Dating is about seeing if two people really understand each other and enjoy each others company and if you get along and get to know each other
Give it a chance, maybe he is just trying to act cool to fit in. Maybe you can get him to open up more about that stuff.
Let me know what you think!
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I'm not going to address whether you are shallow or he's not smart enough. The real issue is that you don't have a clue if he's really right for you, whether for dating or a life partner/mate.
Dating is good for discovering if
there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if the person is a good match for you. So the question remaining is, 'How do I determine if someone is a good match for me and me for them?'
After a divorce when starting my search again, I believe my Angels gave me this idea, and it worked. I found it most helpful. You will make two lists. I choose to call it a list of criteria for finding the right partner/mate because that's exactly what it is. So here's the tool you use to help you in determining if someone is a good match for you.
You will make two lists. The first most crucial one is a list of Must Haves. A 'must have' for you is something which if it doesn't apply to this other person, then that's a deal breaker, you don't date or get into relationship with them. Very important serious stuff here. So how do you know what to put on the list? Think of things that are very important to you in life, things that no one can sway your mind to a different viewpoint and importance in your life. Major issues seem to hinge on topics such as religion/beliefs, sexuality and children. Here's an example of what I am talking about. Even tho a person wanting to date isn't ready to have kids yet for 5-8 years, they know they do want children someday, their own or adopted is another concern. If one does not ever want kids and can't be swayed to change their mind, even if in love, then that is a deal breaker and must be on the list. Not to sound shallow, but the wanna be stay at home mom will never be happy if she must compromise that dream when the kids are little because the guy doesn't earn enough to support both. If she isn't flexible enough to be able to deal with reality and uncertainties of life, she could have emotional issues for being forced to work or he with her staying home and not able to meet the budget and fighting ensues. Why take a chance that something might go wrong in the future, long after your heart has fallen in love?
Finding ones best friend and sexual equal should be top priorities and whatever pertains to that in which you have specific requirements had better be on your list. You want a mate who likes to travel an incredible amount but she is a home body, no match. You may coax her on one vacation a year but more she'll be miserable, and it becomes a battle. You have a high libido. Spell out what you want. If its sex once a day, you better be sure before you even get to the point of being ready to try sex whether she also has a high libido or she thinks thats over kill and once a week or twice a month is reasonable. I hope you understand the importance of a list of Must haves. I had about 5-7 if I remember right.
Next list is a list of Wants, and a want is like the frosting on the cake, it is not a deal breaker, and you can live happily without it but here's where you might think about others who do meet this or admire others who do. That's okay. I have great memories of past guys who loved to dance as I do. It was on my list as was a guy with long hair and much more. I didnt get the dancer but I got long hair. You will only need to use the lists of wants if by some miracle you find two or even 3 people who meet all your criteria of must haves, and need something else to determine which one to choose, you go for the one who meets most of them. In my case, the man I married met all my 'must haves' but no one else did, however he met half of my wants list. So I am very happy and in my mind, I have sorted out that it is okay that he never will meet the other half of my list of wants.
A person who knows what they want, and won't back down under harrassment, won't settle for less and isn't afraid to tell others what they are looking for in a mate, is going to come across as confident to others and that is an attractive trait in people and will draw the right one to you. I didn't find my right one instantly though. Many sounded great because they lied or didn't understand their own needs and wants well and once I met them and got to know them better, saw they were not a match for me according to my criteria. Hope this helps you.
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