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i think my husband is bisexual or maybe even gay. both early 20s
Lately, I have been having a gut feeling that my husband may be big curious or even gay. In the very beginning of our relationship (been married almost three years together almost 4yrs.) He admitted that when he was younger a friend and him were playing around and the friend ended up giving him a Blow***. I asked him then if he was gay or if he would do it again. He said no. Keep that in mind. A few months back my husband his friend and I started going to the gym. My husband is a man who is in and out of the shower, 7 minutes top! Every time the two went in there they would take ATLEAST 30 mins. I take long showers I would take one myself in the girls room and would still have to wait. I have asked my husband and he said he would just wait for him. Now his friend on the other hand, let's just say if you met him you would think he had sugar in his tank. I live in a small country town and my female friend said her husband had sex with a man before. People in this town including his family say he may be gay or curious as well. For a week now my husband and I are not talking, because I feel like I am being lied too when I ask him if he is gay or bisexual. I can work with bisexual, I just want to know so we can both have safe sex. He still says NO. I don't want to think that I am over thinking everything but I don't want to end up like my husbands mother, lied to and turn out that my husband is bisexual or gay. IDC what he is, I just want to know. I have told him how I felt and how its okay to like other men. I just don't know anymore. I won't let my husband touch me nor look at me because I feel like I am being lied too. I even talked to his friend and asked in a mature matter. I was not disrespectful nor did I just pop the question are you gay? Or what's going on with my husband and you. I explained my reasons first then asked. His friend says he's not gay.
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I dated a gay man for four years... If your intuition speaks to you, it speaks to you. The man I was with didn't show any signs that he was gay when we were together, sex life was great, got along, we were happy. He wanted to marry me and the whole shebang... He denied it until I broke up with him, and even then it took him a year to come out. He went through the same thing as your husband in his childhood. I'm not an expert but I have been through this scenario before.
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I read all 3 of the other answers and like what Dragonflymagic wrote. I know Dragonflymagic puts a lot of thought into the answers given. I generally agree with what Dragonflymagic writes as I do today, so I will not rehash what has already been stated.
You think your husband is gay or bisexual. You have no factual reason to feel this way so therefore it something you perceive. Perception is real; if you perceive it then it is real to you and no factual evidence is needed. Something has been said or done to make you perceive this.
The fact that you husbands father is gay does not mean your husband is gay. People do not wake up one morning and decide they are gay. Doctors and scientist have proven that people who are gay are born that way and know from a very early age that they are gay. As for being bisexual or bi-curious the answer to that question is still being studied.
I'm curious about this part of the sentence where you said you tried to have anal sex once and he didn't like it. Then you said; "he tried to put in and I said no, he was trying and I said stop, again all I could think of is the lies I feel he is telling me." Is this anal sex again or regular intercourse?" I'm a bit confused here as I'm looking for signals as what you might perceive as signals your husband is gay or bisexual. I'm sure the 30 min. showers are a signal you believe is telling you your husband may be gay. What other signals do you see that give you this perception? You say your husband does not look at gay porn; are you sure? Have you checked the history on his computer and phone?
As I said to begin with perception is real. What you need to do is try to find facts to make what you feel factual or disprove the perception. Your father in-law and your husbands’ friend will not out your husband if he is gay. This is something your husband would have to do when he is ready if he is gay.
What you need to do since you perceive that he is, is to be tested for STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus. This is the smart and safe thing to do. People can be infect with either of these and have no systems, they are merely carriers. Hopefully you are not infected with and STD or the HIV/AIDS virus though it is better to know your safe than not.
If you do have an STD and you have not had sex with anyone but your husband then you will have all the facts you need to prove he has been sleeping with someone else. If so then maybe he will tell the truth if there is truth to be told on what you are perceiving.
I know the testing is going to be the hardest thing for you to do. It is important that you do to be safe; you even said so in what you wrote. If you won't do it for yourself do the testing for your son, he needs you.
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Ask yourself this:
In your 4 yrs together, has he ever said or done anything to break your trust and show that he is not a man of his word, that he lies or skirts the truth?
If so, then this could be where your feeling he is lying comes from. When trust has been broken, it's very hard to re build and takes longer than the first time.
If he has never done anything to indicate he cant be trusted when he answers a question from you or anyone else, then perhaps it's not a matter of trust issues at all.
Another question to ask your self: Is the sexual orientation the only area that I don't trust himin, or do I also not trust him in other area's?
The reason for this question is to discover why if he is untrustworthy in other areas, that of all the area's you can't trust him in, why is this the only one you are writing to us about?
Is it really a matter of him being a liar, or perhaps you are not as Okay as you are trying to convince us and yourself that you are about him possibly being bi sexual.
I am sorry to have to put that in here. Not trying to accuse you of anything, just have to cover every possible angle to help you get to the bottom of this. We are living in a society where bias's are frowned upon, where we are expected to be open minded and friendly and accepting of all different lifestyles, sexual orientations and religions. That can add pressure on us to have to speak and act as if we are okay with it, inclusive of all, even if we are just not quite there yet.
People can pick up vibes, the invisible energy coming from others so that even if reassured, we are okay with their lifestyle and choices, our vibes and energys say otherwise. Perhaps the husband is picking up on negative vibes from you being the cause of him not speaking to you now. Or the not speaking could come from not having your trust and constant questioning.
That can easily kill a person's interest in another and eventually kill their love just as easily as verbal abuse does because if he is telling the truth, then talking to him as if you are still suspicious of him, can cause his love for you to start dying.
I did pick up something in what you wrote. You often used the words I feel... not I know, or I believe. If you had solid proof, you'd have said I know. If you came across instances and occurances that seemed suspicious to you (such as the examples you gave) then your mind could have formed a 'belief' that it was happening. You did your homework and checked with his friend also.
However instead you used the word feel, I feel... several times which has me guessing that it may be nothing more than a feeling which can come from emotions and emotions are stored and come from our subconscious minds. And herein is where your problem may lie. Your conscious mind is okay with bi curious or bi sexual. Your subconscious mind being emotional is always going to be in a mode of protecting your heart and your feelings. It took in the memory and facts of what happened to your mother in law and there fore is on constant alert, trying to prevent yourself from being hurt. A counselor may be able to work with you and help you if he is innocent and it is just your subconscious mind fearing the worst and there fore in a constant state of distrust.
You can try giving your subconscious mind pep talks. Right now it is at war with your conscious mind and in its attempt to defend you from a perceived threat, to protect your heart, may in the end, actually end up breaking your heart by the marriage breaking up eventually. All because of a subconscious mind running crazy, like a little child out of control. Believe me, its more common to people than you would think. The goal is to have the two minds working together peacefully towards a common goal and sometimes that means the subconscious mind with all its feelings need to take a back seat to the leading of the conscious mind.
Here's another way to look at it in a more pessimistic way:
If there is a chance that he will later confess to being bi sexual and break your heart with the lies, or if there is a chance he is innocent and decides to leave you because the marriage isn't unified cus of your distrust and doubt in him, then your heart will be broken in that case too.
So if your heart can be broken both ways, doesnt it make sense to give him the benefit of trusting him, apologizing for how you've acted and taking the chance that he is straight, not lying and in love with just you, so that your marriage can continue on in bliss? Any other choice will take you down to a path of broken heart and life for sure.
I wish you the best dear.
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Take a minute and breathe. Think about this: what if he is completely 100% straight? Think of it from his perspective. He can only tell you so many times before becoming frustrated. If he really isn't gay, you are completely destroying your marriage out of fear, which is coming from what happened to your in-laws. What if he hasn't done anything wrong and it's all you? You have to consider this as a possibility. Flip the switch for a second. Imagine your husband accused you of cheating on him and you hadn't, but nothing you could say would make him believe you. You fought over it every day and your relationship began to deteriorate. What would you do? Would you start to think that he'd never give up on getting you to "admit" something that you never did? When you say "I just want to know" to him, it really means that the only thing that he can do to help the situation is tell you that he is gay whether that's the truth or not. That's what you want to hear (even though it isn't what you want to be true). That might not make sense, but think about it. What can he do to make you believe him if he really is straight? Would you believe him or have you already decided?
Here's what you need to do. Look for concrete evidence. Talk to your husband's friend that he goes to the gym with. It is very possible that you're right, but at this moment, you're rampaging like a madwoman with no reason to do so. If you can't find any evidence, you have to believe him when he says he's straight. If you can't believe him, you need to speak to a counselor to help you resolve your issues. What happened with your in-laws is very much affecting how you are relating to your husband and it shouldn't. He is not his father and your relationship is not their relationship. You need to follow your gut and not completely drop this because you could be right, but start going about it in a more constructive and less anxiety-filled way. Trade in your fear for self-reflection, realism, and logic. Good luck.
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Ooooooooh Boy! Honey,your hands are full!
Let's disect this one step at a time.
Your husband is obviously confused and may want to try things sexually.You may want to ask him what kind of things he wants.
This sounds out of the ballpark,but you may want to condsider your husband to go and get tested.He seems to spending time with his friend,and what goes in there I cant say,water cant wash off everything.
Your husband,from what I have read,indeed sounds gay.
Now,I do reccommend counseling for the two of you.Immediately,if not sooner. These feelings need to be sorted out with a professional and help to really get to the root of this problem. Only your husband knows whats going on with his body and what he is thinking.
I hope counseling will help!
Be blessed!!
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