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Cheating for less than two months in the first two months with my boyfriend
I have been on/off with my current boyfriend for about a year and i always told him i have feelings for him, even when i had a boyfriend at the time, i just wanted him. By the end of that year we got together and he disappeared for a week or so, no calls no texts and picks up after many calls very coldly.
I started seeing someone else and then he started apologizing to me, I said OK but i was never ok, because I have trust and intimacy issues and then i told him im seeing someone else, but he said i had to choose, n i chose him. I met the other guy and we had a stupid quicky, never happened again, i tried to actually be with the other guy but i loved number one too much and i really fell for him.
all this was at the first month and a half of our relationship, and 4months in i told him something and it took us to me telling him about the whole thing.
I am trying now after 4months since i have done my cheating (which i would like to say a stupid mistake) to gain his trust and help him overcome this.
But ii want to know, from all of you, when you have serious and major trust issues, due to a history of abuse for more than 15yrs, does that really make you a cheater, like what i did.
All i was trying to do was to be fair to myself and assertive, as men always get a piece of me for nothing, and i was trying to just protect myself and be safe, i did wrong.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It is not your fault that you have trust issues, but perhaps you are not ready for a committed relationship.
If your boyfriend has been cold to you, he isn't the right person for you anyway. You deserve someone who is prepared to give you the attention you need, and also be open enough to let you know if he needs some time to himself, not just disappear.
With that being said, two wrongs don't make a right. If you are in an exclusive relationship, being with someone else is cheating. History can explain your behaviour but not excuse it. The relationship is about both of you. How would you like it if he cheated on you?
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OK so you have trust and intimacy issues. Lots of people do and with your history, is it any wonder? You don't say how old you and your boyfriend are, but I'd guess you're in your teenage years or just over.
Basically, you are in control of your life. After your cheating, maybe your boyfriend has trust issues too. If you want to be with him in a long-term relationship or just have a laugh and a good time for a month or two, talk about it with him, find out his feelings and go from there. It's your life, do with it what you will. Do everything, anything you can to avoid hurting anyone you care about, talk at length about how you both feel, how you want the future to be for you. You might find yourselves incompatible or still together after 30 years! Talk, talk, talk and then talk again until you find out whether or not you can live with each other.
As for the cheating, that's up to you. We all have free will, our lives are what we make them.
If you want to cheat, go into it with your eyes wide open and expect the worst when HE (whoever he may be) finds out. If you get away with it, you'll be lucky but imagine how you'd feel if he cheated on you.
Hope it all goes well and remember, you can always ask for help here. Best wishes x
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I say there are plenty of people who cheat you shouldn't feel guilty because be sure that you have been cheated on before without even knowing. Just get it out of your mind (the mistake) because everyone makes them and you felt the need to feel loved since apparently your boyfriend at the time didn't seem to care. But why was he acting coldly towards you than started apologizing? Do you think he was probably doing the same thing to you and guilt got in the way as it is getting in your way as well?
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First, I'd like to apologize for the delay. I've been very busy at work the past few days due to a change in management, and I haven't had a chance to check my e-mail.
I think it's kind of interesting that you asked me this question, actually. I have some personal experience. My current girlfriend of almost 4 years was abused physically throughout her childhood by her father, and has cheated on me three times.
However, we worked through it, and it hasn't happened in a long time. It actually had more to do with the fact that she's bisexual, and had never done anything with a female. Being abused did make it hard for her to trust people, and there are still some times where she doesn't trust me completely because of it. But the abuse didn't make her a cheater.
Her trust issues actually made it harder for her to feel comfortable enough to have contact with anyone.
You are not a bad person, and you are not a cheater. You made a mistake. But you don't have to make that mistake again. The choice is yours, and you have every ability to make it through this and have a wonderful relationship.
I know this because after almost 4 years with my girlfriend - despite her slipping up a few times - these have been some of the best years of my life and I couldn't love her more.
I hope this helped you, and made you feel a little better. Everyone deserves happiness in life.
~Panda
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No matter what it's going to be a while before he can trust you again. After all, you did cheat on him, in his mind he's wondering; "if she did it once, can't she do it again?"
Continue to do your best for him.
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Hi there,
I feel really badly for you. From what you have said so far, you have been through something that has left you completely unable to make smart relationship decisions. :-(
You say you were trying to be assertive and fair to yourself... but what you ended up doing was giving more of yourself to more men at the same time, and ending up with nothing, just like before.
This breaks my heart.
You don't say what you went through before, but whatever it was, 15 years of it is an awfully long time to go through something and expect to get better without help. I strongly suggest you get involved with a counselor to help you work through the damage from your past.
I am reading this whole thing as a cry for help, because it seems like you KNOW what you are doing is only hurting you, and I think you also know that what you are using to justify your cheating are just excuses for behaviour you can't explain fully.
Please get some help before you try a new relationship... until you fix these things, the next one will end up just like these have.
I wish you the best from here on out.
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Well, yes, if there was an understanding that you wouldn't have sexual contact with another person, but you did, that's called cheating.
Do your trust issues or past mean you are doomed to be a cheater? No. Of course not. You made a mistake. It was a bad choice. I don't think you should trying and rationalize it like you did it to be safe or assertive, because what actually would have been assertive was being direct and honest with everyone involved and that isn't what you did. You lied because you were confused and didn't want to be held responsible for your mistakes. That's not protecting yourself, that denying responsibility for your own choices.
But you are perfectly capable of making good choices in the future. Don't make excuses for the past, just keep doing better moving forward.
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