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My Dad is a Terrible Driver
My dad sucks at driving, but you can't tell him that because he'll argue that he's the greatest driver you'll ever meet. To him, a good driver is someone who can maneuver the car well an do cool tricks. To me, and I hope to anyone else, a good driver is someone who is careful, follows the rules of the road, and cares more about safety than being cool.
My dad speeds, takes annoyingly hard turns, slams on the gas and on the brakes, has bad road rage, and texts while driving. He'll also take his eyes off the road to look at the passengers in the car while he talks to them. Once, he fell asleep while driving and when my sister woke him up, he yelled at her, "What? I was sleeping!"
He says that the only other person he knows who was better at driving than he is was my uncle who died in a car accident before I was born. That accident was not completely his fault, but it was partially.
Before that though, he was hated by most of our town for another accident he caused. He was trying to pass a car, but when he got in the next lane to do so, there was a car coming down that lane in the opposite direction. He didn't have much time to pass the car in front of him before he hit the car in the next lane, so the safe thing to do would have been to pull back over into his own lane. Instead of doing that though, he floored it and hit the other car head on. The woman in the car was a mother to small children. She was sent to the hospital where she was told to stay in bed due to a blood clot that the accident caused. She didn't obey the order and got up, which caused the blood clot to break and the woman to die.
People blamed my uncle, but he took no responsibility for it. My dad and grandparents saw no reason why he should. People wrote my grandparents letters saying that if they were good people, they'd help that woman's children I guess by giving them money, but they wouldn't do it. They said that it was the woman's own fault for getting up. The thing is though, that it never would have happened if he hadn't pulled something stupid and caused that accident.
I can't explain what it says to me that my grandparents wouldn't help that woman's kids and that they and my dad don't see any fault my uncle has in her death. It just makes me disappointed in them and it scares me because they don't seem to have learned anything from the accident. I can totally see my dad doing something like what my uncle did someday. He's so convinced that my uncle was such a great driver that he hasn't learned anything from either accident (that one or the one he died in). At least not what he should have learned.
How do I tell my dad that he needs to work on his driving an that he shouldn't follow my uncle's examples without sounding like a total @$$ hole?
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This story is hilarious if you have dark humor..but yeah um. If I were you I wouldn't let him drive me anywhere. I don't think you'd be being an asshole..I mean I wouldn't want to die either.
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Maybe you don't even need to tell him he doesn't need to follow your uncle, but tell him what can happen if he does stupid things. Ask him if he'd like to leave his children and wife (if he is married) due to his death in a car crash. Ask if he would like to get in a car accident and be the reason for his own children's death, not saying this will happen but according to your story it is a possibility to happen. Tell him you refuse to drive with him anywhere until he smartens up, and if he doesn't smarten up you won't go anywhere with him, and let him know you won't let your sister go with him either! I don't know the kind of guy he is, if any of that will shaken him up a little or think about it, but it's worth a try! I hope this helped a little bit!
Stay Golden!
xoxo
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It would have helped me in answering your question if you had given your age. Since you have not I will have to be a little generic in some areas of my answer.
From what you have written I don't see you changing any of your fathers driving habits. IF your father has not received any traffic tickets for his driving habits he is not going to accept you telling him he is a bad driver. You can only cause yourself trouble by trying to do so
In fact even if he has received some traffic tickets and has not changed his driving habits. Then this should tell you what your chances are in getting him to change. Very few people change habits like these until the bottom is pulled out from under them.
What I suggest is that if riding with your dad scares you then you take a page out of the dating book most parents give their teenagers. Which is if you are riding with him and his driving is scaring you ask him to pull over so you can get out. Then call for a safe ride home. This may have to be a taxi or even the police if need be. Keep money in your purse for a safe ride home.
I would also suggest you talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal about your concerns. Just as you should feel safe in school you should feel safe in the company of your parents. When you don't feel safe with your parents there are procedures in place in every school district for school administrators to follow. How those procedures would work for this situation I'm not sure as they are designed for child abuse at home.
As for why your family has not supported the family of the women who died. There are some legal ramifications that could come in to play if they did.
While you and I may feel your Uncle may have been the cause of the accident that caused the lady's death. There is a law called proximate cause. This law means if her death was ruled a result of the accident then your Uncle could have been held legally responsible and tried for her death in court.
To meet this law the blood clot would have to be ruled as being caused by the accident exclusively. If your Uncle was not charged in the death of the woman then the rule of proximate cause may have not been met.
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How you may deal with this depends a lot on your particular situation. I had a similar issue with my dad - he had road rage that made me really uncomfortable. I was never totally sure he wasn't going to do something really stupid. I think he kept it under wraps when his kids were younger, but by the time we were teens it was pretty intense.
The magic words for me were "I'm not comfortable." and "I don't feel safe."
When you label what they are doing (driving dangerously) they can say "This isn't dangerous!" but it's much harder to argue "You aren't uncomfortable!" if yes, you actually are.
I was lucky, I had other family members who supported me (or at least, didn't undermine me) and I was an adult, so I had a lot more power about my choices.
I had my dad pull over and walked myself home more than once (even if he had calmed down by the time he pulled over). I kept emergency cash on me so I could call a cab if I had too. I refused to get into the car until he had calmed down. I simply declined to go to out with my father during rush hour. It meant I missed out on some things, and it was sometimes really uncomfortable, but he tones himself way, way down when I'm in a car with him now.
Most Dads, don't want to frighten their daughters. Most Dads will change their behaviour when the realize their child is more comfortable in a cab then with them behind the wheel.
Also, you are going to sound like an asshole for a while. It's hard not to sound like an asshole when you are right, and the other person is wrong. And when you need to put your foot down and back up your beliefs with your actions - people are going to call you an asshole. You have to be as civil and clear as you can be, but you can't let that break you. I get called an asshole on this site almost weekly - but not because I was wrong.
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And where is mom in all of this? Does she drive at all? Isn't she concerned about Dad's behavior in driving? The issue is not that you'd be an a$$hole for telling him you're not comfortable with him driving you around like that. He is an a$$hole for behaving like that. And I'll bet he does that in many other areas of life, not just driving, but his behavior is most obvious to you when he drives. The road rage you mention is the clue. It is affecting other areas of his life, I can guarantee that. When you get a fever which indicates that something is wrong inside, there's a bug or illness, you don't get just a fever on one leg or one hand or just the head, the fever is there in all areas of your body. If Dad has rage coming to the surface in driving, the anger is there in other areas. Your dad needs counseling
If Mom won't stand up to him, it's probably because he verbally abuses or controls her and she has chosen to avoid confrontations by not saying anything. When one parent is way out of line it take the other parent to look after the welfare of the children. That would be Mom. Talk to her of your concerns. If she won't do something about changing things and you feel your life is in danger every time you get into the car, then you need to reach out to someone outside the family. We are too far removed from you to be able to do anything other than advise you what to do.Perhaps you have a couple of really caring adult relatives, more like you, who would see reckless driving as endangerment to you and help speak on your behalf to authorities. Or maybe you have a church pastor you can talk to. Often they have to deal with the ugly realities of life, even in the lives of their church members. Just because someone attends church doesn't mean they've got it right. Or you could talk with the school counselor and they could alert authorities to look into it.
If Dad wants to drive that way when alone, thats his business. As father he is responsible for your safety and welfare. He is not driving in a way that is responsible. As far as I know texting or talking on cell phones is now illegal where I live and probably is in many of not all the states.
In the laws of the land, there is such a thing as Reckless Endangerment of a child. Driving while intoxicated is one. Only a lawyer can determine if your Dads driving falls under the same law of reckless endangerment of a child. If your Dad is the type of person I think he is by how you describe him and how highly he thinks of and models himself after an uncle who indirectly killed a person through reckless driving, then there is nothing you can say to get through to him. He needs more intervention than just wife or kids asking him to stop in a 'nice way'. For him, there is no nice way to say anything because in his mind he is always right. My ex husband always felt he was right and it ends up he has undiagnosed mental illness. I could not tell him to go see a counselor. No one can force him to change, but the law can protect children in a bad situation and must take seriously any call that comes in to them. One such agency is CPS.(Child Proctective Services.) Many kids who need help don't get it because there has to be an obvious witness-able case of neglect or endangerment that a CPS representative can see if they make a surprise visit to the house. In your case, it occurs in the car, so I am not sure what any person looking into it can come up with. But at least you can start. If you're old enough to have your own cell phone and Dad is driving recklessly, the only other thing I can think of is to find out ahead if your local countys sheriffs office has an anonymous texting number you can text to. Or any number for that matter. And then text them of your concerns. You may want to have the license plate memorized so you can give it to them with description of the vehicle you are in. This may be the best way to get him to change or at least have proof of reckless endangerment of you and your siblings is to have proof like this.Here's a link to one Sheriff's office that started doing this back in 2009. I can't say its like that all over the US so check from home sometimes on your own.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Off the highways would be probably the local polices jurisdiction. You may have to text them instead. No talking calls or Dad will know what you're up to and I don't want you to have to face his anger for exposing him even if due to fear for your life. Its really not just you kids's safety as you well know from what happened in your family's past, that other innocent people could be hit. Even a simple whiplash, rear ending can do more physical damage than one thinks, back and neck problems for life in some cases.
Good luck dear.
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