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I am a terrible mother and I think I hate my significant other
Hello.
I am a 27 year old mother to a 5 year old boy, a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old girl. My entire life I have always wanted a family. I can't remember a time when I wasn't excited to have babies of my own. I was the kid who babysat for free because I just enjoyed being around babies and kids so much.
I also enjoyed babysitting because it got me out of my house. I had a pretty rough childhood filled with a lot of emotional abuse. So any reason to get away and to have a moment of unconditional love with a sweet baby AND get paid was like, majorly awesome!
Growing up I always just assumed I'd be a great mother. I just knew that I would never treat my kids the way I was treated; I swore I would never forget how it felt to be an oppressed kid.
Fast forward to 1 and 1/2 failed relationships and 3 kids later, I have turned into this miserable wretch of a mother. I am horrible to my kids, more often than not I hate my significant other and I totally take it out on the kids. Every night I feel so much guilt and disgust with myself and I swear that I will Di better the next day... Then the next day comes and things haven't changed a bit.
I am so ready to give up, and even though I know everyone would probably be better off without me, I just can't bring myself to let them go. I know I love my babies, and I know that I am blessed to have three healthy, beautiful, smart and just over all wonderful kids, but I also know that my inability to get my emotions in check is just fucking them up. I want so badly for them to have a great childhood, and to grow up to be happy, successful and respectful adults... But I'm doing such a terrible job. I'm basically repeating a shitty cycle and I feel powerless to stop it.
Everything I read about emotional abuse is geared towards how to help a child deal with an emotijnally abusive parent.
Well I am an emotionally abusive parents trying to find a way to deal with myslef. I have no insurance, no money, the state keeps giving me the run around every time I try to apply for Medicaid, which is the only way I will be able to get the professional help I so obviously need.
I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with my situation. Maybe some advice on how to get a freaking grip. I feel like I am going crazy.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First off, I am truly sorry that you are going through this experience in your life. But I do think that the very fact that you are recognizing it as a problem indicates that you really do want to be better.
You mentioned that you had a rough childhood yourself with a lot of emotional abuse. Like it or not, those sort of things can have a negative impact on people for years to come. I wouldn't doubt that this is a contributing factor to the failed relationships you mention and the overall frustration in your life. But that doesn't mean things have to stay that way or that you can't overcome this.
It's pretty clear to me that you love your children. That is the main thing to focus on here.
You are not powerless to stop this cycle but that doesn't mean that you should have to do it all alone. There is no shame in seeking out help, like a counselor for example. They can help you get to the root of the situation and work on how to address it. And even in your case, I'm sure there have to be some free or affordable services out there. This link may be helpful for you - [Link](Mouse over link to see full location).
Other than that, I suggest taking some time out of your day, even if it's just five minutes, to really reflect on what you are trying to accomplish. Meditation can be a huge help and you can find any number of resources on how to do this on your own and for free with a quick Google search.
Finally, know that only you have the power to control how you feel. No matter how you think or what you think about, you control your reaction to those thoughts. Check out the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. I think it could work wonders for you.
Stay strong.
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Its tough when there is no insurance and I can see that you want to deal with yourself and get better. Of course you would be getting better for your kids but its important that it's not the key reason why you want healing...you need to want it for yourself...so that you can learn to love yourself for who you are.
Theres something I'll paraphrase from the Bible: It starts with loving God with all your heart and soul and mind, but its the next part I am focusing on,...."and love your neighbor as yourself." We look at the verse and think its all about learning how to love our neighbor. NO! It's not!
The 'as yourself' part is what changes the whole context. It literally means that until we know how to love ourselves, we are not going to be little rable to truly love any other human being in the way they need to be loved. Its not limited to "neighbor" its anyone other than you...so that includes family and friends too. We may be trying really hard to do a semblance of that love we know they deserve but our actions can kill what effect those 3 little words "i love you' had, or teach something entirely different than love.
So they key to focus on here since there's no insurance, is rather than hunting down something for someone who's been emotionally and verbally abused, is look for information on learning how to love yourself for a start.
The second part would be how to work with your subconscious mind where all the negative thoughts and tapes keep playing. And the moment you have a negative thought from childhood come to mind, replace it with a positive statement of what you want to become and are becoming. There are books by psychologists on working with negative thought patterns which are running full time here.
A third part will be learning how to forgive the parents. I was once in a therapy class where a classmate sat in front of you and you poured out your heart, talking to them as if they were the parent or the person who hurt you in some way. They sit silently and say or do nothing, just listen while you have a face to focus your attentions on. At first, the couple of early sentences may feel stiff and unreal, like you are acting in a play but as you get into acting it out, it becomes real and very emotional for you. I was bawling my head off as I explained how I had been hurt, and what I had wanted instead. I asked why couldn't you be this and that. And finally after my tears subsided, it was time to forgive them even though they werent asking for forgiveness. You are doing this for yourself. Carrying this burdon will contribute to holding back your healing. So you tell the person that you choose to forgive them, because perhaps for whatever reason they didn't know any better and may have been a victim themselves.
If I were you, I'd talk to my partner, and ask for their help and support in trying to find healing...he'd make a good silent partner for the forgiveness exercise and can ask you during the day how you're doing on replacing your negative thoughts. You might even find a way for your 5 yr old to be supportive too. Despite your abuse towards them, children are very forgiving and want to get on the bandwagon and encourage you the moment they see you need some. Agree to a key word or phrase they can say ahead of time if it looks like you are losing control. When you hear it, remember your agreement. Hold back whatever you wanted to say and instead Thank the child. Tell them you need a minute or two alone. Leave the room. Stand by yourself and count to ten or longer to 25. Then once enough time has passed, time another couple minutes to take in deep breaths and hold for a sec or two and then release. Do 3 -5 at least. This will help to calm you a bit, then go back to whatever you were doing once you feel you have control back.
I don't know whether you believe in angels or anything spiritual, but if you do, ask them to help you through this.
Here's the link I mentioned. Its a holistic, natural way to achieve some healing. Not all natural healing modalities work for all people as we are unique. I know of a few others if you care to know, just ask. But this one is called EFT tapping. Emotional Freedom Technique and the tapping you do is on the same points of the upper body and head that acupressure practioners use. In fact, some medical doctors are now recommending the tapping, however its without the words that are just as important if not more so. There's many many videos. Read the titles and the ones that jump out at you as being your situation, listen to them and repeat along after him. This must be done when its quiet and you are alone so it may be best to do when your partner can keep the kids out of the room, or when they are napping. Good luck dear. Write me any time.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I wish I really had more links to give you but i can only think of one to start.
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You need to get Professional help.
Right AWAY!
I was the same way lots of help. Helped me.
You need to talk to your spouse. Tell him how you truly feel.
Your kids are your life time.
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It is said, though I'm not sure how true it is, that girls marry men like their fathers and boys marry women like their mothers. If the saying is true then the relationship problems you are having are somewhat inevitable though fixable with the right help.
It is also said that adults abused as children are or become abusive parents. This has been found to be somewhat factual. Yes this too can be overcome with the right kind of help.
The good news in all of this is you realize you need help. The bad news is the help has not been forthcoming. If you have not tried for Medicaid benefits since the first of the year you need to try again.
While I am not a supporter of the entire Obama Care Program it does have some benefits. Everyone is supposed to have Health Insurance by March of this year. For those who cannot afford it even with government assistance there is Medicaid funded by the federal government and available through state government.
What I suggest is you go on your state insurance exchange or the federal exchange if your state does not have an insurance exchange. Find the phone number for assistance with finding a program and call them.
I have very recently found that when dealing with government agencies applications are rejected for the most ridiculous of reasons. For things the reviewers could correct themselves which really amount to "T’s” not being crossed and I's not being dotted. Instead they reject the entire application and your back at square one.
With the problems of the exchanges they have hired thousands of people to take applications over the phone and help people apply for the program that best fits their needs and ability to pay for. When the application taker sees you need to apply for Medicaid they should start the proper paperwork for you. Medicaid if no other program is a fit for you is the default program. As far as I know you cannot be turned down if no other program is available to you.
You can also contact you Congressman or State Senators Office for help. Both of their offices have aids dedicated to assist with this problem.
Once your insurance problems are taken care of you know what to do. Find a psychologist you are comfortable with as you need to let everything out about your childhood and your romances. With the help of the psychologist you will break the cycle of bad significant others and learn how not to take things out on your children.
Working with government agencies to get them to do what they are tasked to do can be frustrating at times. Keep trying and if necessary call upon your elected officials. We did and for what we were in need of help was quickly resolved with their help.
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