|
My Mom is Basically Heart-broken
I am a 22 year-old college student, and I live at home with my parents and my grandmother. My 28 year-old older sister lives away from home, and is in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend of four years.
Today I went to mass with my mom, and I never noticed how badly my sister's situation affected her. For awhile she told told me that she chose not to get involved in the situation, and that my sister made her choice. In her opinion, she chose her boyfriend over the family.
Before leaving mass she suggested that I light a candle for my paternal grandmother who passed away in February, and since I know the kind of relationship that she holds with members of that side of the family I was kind of puzzled. So I kept on asking her why she was crying over her death, and she told me that it was because my grandmother would have been there to talk to her about this situation when she was alive and healthy.
I am very concerned about my mother because she's not the healthiest person. Yet, admittedly, I'm not the right kind of person to go to about the situation I'm too temperamental, passionate, high-strung, and I hate when certain things like this are out of my control. Also, under certain circumstances in the past, I have not been the best person to go to in drastic situations although I do try to be supportive.
I have no idea what to do, I have tried talking to my sister but this always turns into a fight. As far as she's concerned, regardless of the situation that occurred between them less than two months ago in which her friends and family found out about her situation with her boyfriend, she's happy and safe and he's in love with her. I can't help but think that she's only there because her boyfriend is controlling the situation.
My mom is not the healthiest person in the world. She has diabetes that went untreated for years, this condition left her blind in one eye, unable to wear heels, and with her kidneys unable to function properly making it where she needs to go to dialysis every other day.
The main thing is that unlike most people, she does not have a close group of girl friends who she can hang out with to get her mind off of things. This probably results from the fact that she has never been particularly involved in her community, and she doesn't work.
So, how do I handle this situation? I told her to go to church and ask to speak to a priest (we're Catholic), to talk to a cousin who she grew up with, and to even talk to my sister's friend who has been extremely helpful in this situation, and has definitely shown that if we need to talk to she's there for us.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
This is one of them questions that is indeed hard to answer but I'll give it a shot.
I suggest your mother try going to counseling for depression. You're mother is grieving the death of your grandmother and is trying to cope with your sisters situation.
I second the person who suggested another go at an intervention. I, Who had been in a physically abusive relationship will give you a few pointers though...
People who are in a abusive relationship tend to have little to no mind of their own. Sadly, People who are in this sort of situation need to want to help themselves. I'm not sure exactly how effective an intervention will go as the letter didn't work but I would maybe write her another letter expressing your concerns and how you love her. If you guys are close at all, Maybe talk to her in person but don't come across as attacking her. Let her know that if she wants too talk that you will listen, Leave the door open for her so she will come when she is ready.
I also do think it's a wonderful idea for your mother to talk to the priest also. Try to get her involved in the community, Maybe have her visit an animal shelter a few times a week just to spend time with the animals etc.
]
This is one of those questions that isn't easy to answer. I'm not a doctor and it takes one to diagnose such an illness but your mother does sound depressed.
If she got that looked into and perhaps even counseling to understand what happened with your father, to deal with your sister, and to live her own life that may help. Of course, she has to be willing to do this.
If I were you I would get joint counseling with her to try and deal with what's happening and is happening with life and family that is overwhelming you both.
When it comes down to it you're being a great daughter and wanting to help your mom but you must realize it's all you can do by yourself. You cannot continue to beat yourself up over this or your sister.
As much as you both want your sister to wake-up to the reality of how dangerous her situation is you really cannot do much more than your family has or make her see. You can't ignore her situation but still have to love her.
She does need out though as he sounds like he has a few screws loose if he's choking her etc. It may be fear plus love of someone in play.
Definitely find a professional that you can talk to about how you're dealing with all these issues as that's important you need to take care of yourself as well as this is a heavy burden.
]
You have not given a lot of information on the type of situation your sister is in other than it is an abusive relationship. There are two types of abusive relationships. There are physically abusive relationships and verbally or mentally abusive ones.
The later of the two there is not much you can do about. If there's is a physically abusive relationship and you see evidence of physical abuse on your sister. You can report this to the local police. They can investigate and depending on their investigation and the domestic violence laws in the state; they can arrest the boyfriend with or without your sisters cooperation.
There is not much else I can offer to help you. Though I know of several organizations that can offer more help. One is called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They offer a 24/7 hotline staffed by trained counselors. Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE. I would suggest you call them and ask one of the counselors for other suggestions.
If your sisters boyfriend is using her for a punching bag this will only get worse. typically in these situations the abuser will hit, punch and even rape the other. Then become all apologetic, swear they will never do it again and say how much they love the other person. Then sometime later something will happen and they do it again and the cycle continues.
If you don't do something to break the cycle it can and has happened that the abuser ends up hurting the other to the point of either killing them or that person kills the abuser and goes to jail. Another ending has the abused committing suicide. None of these outcomes are good for the abused, abuser or their families.
It is very hard to get the abused to seek help on their own so you must seek help for them. Be there for them and be the strength they don't have at this time. Call Rain, call a local women's center and find out ways you can help your sister.
I know you're concerned for your sister. You concern for your sister tells me YOU ARE THE RIGHT TYPE OF PERSON TO GET INVOLVED, YOU JUST NEED TO BELIEVE YOU CAN DO SO.
]
I have a risky suggestion as there is a chance that it might just make your sister angry. It might sound cliche, but I would look into giving her an intervention.
And if you decide to do this, first and foremost I wouldn't turn it into a bombardment of accusations and finger-pointing. Get some of your sister's friends, your mom, and you together with her and explain how things look. Explain that you love her and that you are all there for her if things are as bad as they seem. Above all else, make sure she knows that you are all there to provide support for her.
Again, this is risky and may not work, especially since talks with her have backfired in the past. But this is the only way I can think of to get her to see the severity of the issue and in this, at least your mother would know that she tried her best. As the other person mentioned, hopefully your sister realizes that she's in an abusive relationship on her own, regardless.
How much time do you spend with your mother? You live together, but is there anyway to spend more time with her? Seeing the well-adjusted daughter more often might cause her to have a better outlook on things. Are very many things going particularly well with you? If so, I would share them with your mother if you don't already.
You mentioned talking to a priest. Is she going to do this? From what I've seen, church can be one of the best support groups. You're right in suggesting this and it might help her if you were to accompany her if she's too nervous to go there alone.
]
I agree that something like that can be heart breaking to witness and not be able to do anything about. All the family can do is love and support her, by just being there for her to talk to. You don't have to offer a solution or discover a way to fix things for there isn't anyway you can do but just pray that your sister eventually comes to her senses. thats what my family had to do for me. I am the sister who got married to an abusive man. He fooled the whole family including me, a church going man and things were pretty ok 1st year but after that his real self came out for all to see and it wasn't pretty. Family advised me to leave him but i stayed because of religious beliefs that God did not like divorce. So how mom did I end up leaving him? It wasn't by family suggesting I do, it was a decision that came from internally, something I processes through with non other than the gentle whispered guidance of God, my angels and my own inner voice of my higher conscious. Its a good idea to see the pastor, perhaps there is such a thing as a support group for parents of abused children. Mom might want to let her doctor know of her mental anguish as it can affect her physical health, although most medical doctors work only with physical ailments and dont take into account the effect of feelings and emotions upon the physical health, however naturopathic, homeopathic doctors and othes of alternative medicine do. In alternative medicine, there are option for helping with releasing the stress, and negative energies. If mom ever decides its something she'd like to try, let me know and I will describe some of them and where to begin looking.
Good luck dear
]
More Questions: |