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Atheism
20/f
I've struggled with my faith since I was in high school. It started when I didn't think I was leading the life "God" wanted me to, so I started going to church more. I read my bible every day, prayed constantly, changed how I treated others, and even tried to clean up my thoughts. However, the more I read my bible, the less I believed that there was a god. Then I started researching. Long story short, I don't believe there is a god and I've been an atheist for about 2 years.
I'm not ashamed of that in any way. In fact, my life has improved greatly because I don't feel restricted by religion. I don't mean that I sleep around and do awful things without fear of consequence, I just mean that I do things for their moral value, not in hopes that I'll be rewarded after I die.
My problem though, is that my family is SUPER deep in their Christian faith. My grandparents raised me in the church of christ. While I'm okay with their beliefs, they strongly influence our family. I get dirty looks if my tattoos are showing, no curse words are allowed, etc- while those are all things I can deal with, it's things like their homophobia I can't comprehend. It's honestly stressing me out with the holidays coming up. They don't know I'm an atheist, and half the conversations they have involve topics we would STRONGLY disagree on. I can't even enjoy time with them because their views differ so greatly from mine.
My uncle in also very confrontational and I'm just afraid that if I speak up, there will be a huge ordeal and I don't want my family upset with me.. especially for something I don't think ANYONE should have a problem with! Also, I don't want to be afraid to voice my opinion. My question is, if there is a confrontation, how do I calmly deal with it? I know I'll want to scream and feel the need to defend myself which will end up making me look dumb. What do I do??
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You're right about one thing: if you speak up and "out" yourself as an Atheist, there will be a confrontation. And it will be a never-ending one. Those who are devoutly religious to the point where they work it into half their conversations are not going to just live and let live when someone in their family announces that they no longer believe in God. They will see it as a sacred imperative to turn you away from the Devil and rescue you from eternal torment in Hell. And since they sincerely believe that's what is as stake, they will never, ever give up.
So one important thing to keep in mind is this: before you announce your atheism, make sure you're living independently. If you're still under your parents' roof, you'll never be able to escape the pressure to repent and return to the church.
One thing to bear in mind is that you will NEVER be able to convince your grandparents that they are wrong in their beliefs. They did not arrive at their beliefs through reason, and they've probably had 60+ years to let those beliefs take root. Arguing with them about the Big Picture of whether God exists is pointless and futile.
However, this does not mean that you are obligated to sit and be quiet when it comes to moral issues. By all means, express your opinion about the morality of homosexuality, or whatever else comes up. Do what you can to maintain a calm demeanor and above all, try not to make it personal. As long as you're discussing things in the abstract, you'll find it not too hard to keep a lid on your emotions. If they bring up a family member who's gay, for instance, and talk about how that person is bound for Hell, don't make your statements about that person in particular, but rather about people in general.
You probably won't convince them about anything there either, but let your voice be heard. Others in the room may hear your words and give them some weight. You know you'll want to scream... but DON'T do that. Your grandparents in particular likely still see you as a child, not an adult, and overly emotional behavior will be viewed as a child's tantrum in their eyes. Remember that sometimes, the point of arguing isn't to convince your opposition of anything; rather, it's to convince those who are listening to both sides. Make yours the voice of reason, and you'll do better in that arena. If you feel your temper starting to slip, force yourself into a state of calm. Let them be the ones who rant and rave, and realize that it's because they have only emotions and faith to back up their beliefs, so they have to say it loud in order to be convincing. When your beliefs are backed by reason and logic, you don't have sink to such behaviors.
That having been said... I would encourage you not to tell your grandparents or your uncle that you have personally concluded that there is no God. It seems to me that they would use that as a Trump Card over everything else you might have to say; your statements and beliefs and arguments would all be worthless to them, as you have been tainted by the Devil. The bottom line is that there really is no advantage to you that they know about your personal beliefs, so why make it their business?
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I am a Christian I accept atheists. Its not about what you believe in, its about your character. So what if we don't agree on some things? That doesn't mean your a bad person. Defend yourself if they insult you. Remind your family that you love them and that you don't want them to think any different of you.
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If you do end up in a confrontational situation. Take a deep breath, and don't get involved in something like that.
I'm Christian, and I had a very close friend who was Atheist and he would start those kinds of confrontations with me. It was very frustrating and I just wanted to scream.
Really, it's the same both ways with people who strongly believe what they believe and want to express it to the world.
So don't get involved in it. If your uncle decides to target you, just tell them that you respect their beliefs and you'd rather not get into an argument about it.
Don't get involved in topics that you strongly disagree on. Not that it would be wrong to stand up for what you believe in but in this case, it will just cause unnecessary drama within your family.
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Glad to hear you've learned to think for yourself and realize that what is represented in church is so messed up. I think it hurts as many people as those who think they've been helped. What we believe spiritually as far as being souls is concerned, is a personal thing. No one can tell you what to believe. Unfortunately, many Christians do that very thing thinking they are truly doing something good. You are in a tough situation.
Unfortunately, voicing your opinion on religious or spiritual matters or beliefs is not going to be taken as a friendly debate club dialogue because (i used to attend church too so I know) they are extremely worried that you are going to hell if you don't believe as they do and they want all their family with them in heaven. (not believing in reincarnation also contributes to why they act as they do)
So anything said in just a friendly non confrontational way to voice your opinion,, is like poking a stick at a hornets nest, you are going to get a whole lot of something you don't want. I'd advice you do not join in on any spiritual topics. If they try to ask you questions about your beliefs or of a spiritual nature, just say in a nice tone of voice, "Look, we've been over this before. Lets just agree to disagree. "
Bring a book to read or crossword puzzles book and busy yourself with focusing on that, even if its hard to do. Excuse yourself from the conversation. There is no such thing as a one sided argument. Let them ask questions, you don't have to answer them especially if the uncle is trying to goad you into a conversation with something like, "Aren't you worried about going to hell."
The one thing you want from them, unconditional love, give it to them. SO all you have to say is "I love you Uncle Joe," And smile. And go back to your book. You might even try asking if he wants a hug. Its very hard for another adult to fight or pick fights if the other person is smiling and hugging them.
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First of all you at age 20 are an adult in all manners of the word. As an adult you are entitled to you beliefs as you see them. It is expected that your grandparents will be hurt to learn of your choice to be an atheist as they did their best to raise you in the religion of their choice. The operative words hear are; "your choice." Your choice is a freedom we enjoy in this country and no one should hold that against you.
I personally am an Agnostic for I believe in a higher power and for a lack of another term I will call that power god. Religion to me has become nothing more than big business cloaked in folk law and fire and brim stone. This to me is not religion. To me religion came to be in place of law when there was no law. Others feel differently, you fell differently. This is our right.
As to what to do? For the short time that you must spend with your family you can be a bit of a hypocrite to yourself and take a grin and bear it position. You do not have to take a stance on anything that is spoken concerning religion when with family, especially the elder members of your family. If called upon to speak on a subject you can say you weren't paying attention or you don't have an opinion. You can also just spew out what you learned as a child just to placate the situation.
If you love your grandparent and Uncle and in all other respects enjoy being with them. Then there is no need in my mind to upset them and possibly face being ostracized from the family. Our family, especially the elders of the family, are only on this earth for a finite period of time. To me staying in the closet on this when with them is a small price to pay to enjoy their company while they are with us.
If they were more tolerant of differing views my advice would be different. From what you have written their very intolerant when it comes to religion and some other views. Trying to change their views or having then accept you with your views I see as being harmful to you.
Still as I said at the very beginning. You are now an adult. You have freedom of choice. It is your choice to remain silent or to challenge them by informing them of you religious views. It is my opinion to inform them of your views will hurt you more than them.
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