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I feel like dying . . . I really want to get help.
First off, I apologize for the long question.
I am a thirteen-year-old girl, and everything is making me want to die. No, I guess I don't really want to die -- I just want the pain to end.
The main reason why I hate life is because I don't understand anything in school. And to make up for it, I work so much harder than any other kid would . . . but it's no use. I have a learning disability as well, which makes me work and process things slowly. I'm just SO SLOW AND STUPID! Ugh. (This makes things a lot harder for me than other people think.)
Several people hate me. I'm pretty sure my family hates me, to start with. Especially my dad. And I know all homophobic people must hate me because I am a girl who likes girls. But no one hates me as much as I hate myself.
I know some people might tell me to find a counselor or therapist. I already have two of those. But neither of them help me AT ALL. The first one just doesn't understand me, and he does a lot more talking than listening. And the second one treats me as if I'm doing something wrong by feeling this way. I have been self-harming for a while as well. But no one is helping.
I guess I don't have too many logical reasons to feel unhappy. Feeling like everyone hates me and not doing well in school do not count as reasons. But I'm just not strong like other people are. But what is the point of going on? Why don't I just die now so I don't have to suffer anymore? It's not like anyone would care . . . they all hate me.
I wish I could get help. But no one is going to help me. I feel so alone right now and just feel like dying. Right now, suicide is just a thought. I haven't acted on it yet.
Is there anything that can be done to make things better? I don't know what to do anymore or how to go on. But I will appreciate any advice. Thank you. And sorry for the length.
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If I were to zoom back into my thirteen year old self, I would be feeling your same emotions that you are now. Really, I have questions on advicenators from WHEN I was thirteen, these same questions. I know that first bit doesn't help, but I can realize that a lot of people are going to tell you "you're only thirteen, this will soon pass, you're just a teenager" - all sorts of the like. And I'm going to tell you that you and I know it is not easy to be thirteen and lonely, or alienated. When I was thirteen, I felt as though I was looking through a foggy window, and seeing everything from far away, I had feelings of being disconnected from my friends or family. Most normal people get stressed and upset, then they cry, and they start to feel better. Then there are people who do all of these things, but there is always something bringing them down, a "raincloud" over them, if you will.
The first thing I am going to tell you is that you are smart.
You are smart for searching for an explanation, you have a sense of wonder and to find out the truth. Whatever learning disability you have, is not your weakness. There are plenty of different people out there, who all learn in extremely chaotic ways and at different paces.
Being thirteen and in either high school or middle school, you don't have too many options to see this aspect of life(truthfully, I hope I'm not sounding condescending).
In these grades, we all learn in a monochromatic way, all the same. But in reality, this isn't the way our society is determined.
The only reason why the seats are placed in rows in your class room are because they are preparing you to work in a factory based job. The only reason why you leave class from the ring of the bell, is because that is how the factory works. This method has been going on for centuries. Obviously, we aren't working in factories now- But this is a control system. A very old one, and faulty one. So please, do not base whether or not you are adequate through a school system that doesn't know what the true meaning of knowledge is. You do not need to feel hated for being different, learning wise or in any other way.
I'll say it again. You do not need to be hated for feeling different! Embrace it, be proud of your sexuality and your courage to explore. Like I had said,you are a wondrous person. I am not trying to glorify you, this is the truth. I realize someone telling you this over a computer screen isn't going to do much good in your real world scenarios, but please write it down. Read it every day. Write any sort of words that you feel uplift you, and keep it next to your bed. "Courage, embrace, strength --" To name a few. This has helped me even throughout life still. This is an ongoing battle, what you have. But this is your moment, there is always going to be a storm, but those words of positivity can act like an umbrella.
A lot of people embrace the gay community. Have you ever heard of The Gay-Straight Alliance? There might be one in your school. If not, please google that. It'll be a great way for you to see how much support there is all around the world, regardless of where you are at this moment.
Please dump your therapists and counselor. If they aren't doing their job, which they clearly aren't , they don't deserve your time or money. If there are plenty of therapists that you can research in your area, I'd suggest that you do so - if you feel that you need them. Therapy isn't for every distressed soul. Sometimes, you need to find another outlet.
This outlet MUST not be to self-harm, any longer. An outlet such as this turns your mental ailments into physical. Self-harming is a way to release endorphins into your body in a state of extreme depression. But like a drug, it is addicting. All habits like this need to stop, and the only way this can stop is to distract yourself. Write a tally of the days that you do not self harm. Keep track of yourself, look how far you can go after a week, month, a year - with out it. Make a promise to yourself, because you are all you've got.
If you haven't had an interest in the Arts yet, please do so now. Music as well. These two forms of expression are extremely valuable to someone who is searching for answers. You may find yourself relating and connecting to these two types of outlets, and it helps you discover new ways of thinking. And I'm not just talking the things you already know and like. I mean, actually search for new and innovative things. Look up philosophy, art history, movies that make you think. (literally, type these into your search engine!)
If you're not sure where to start, I'd be happy to help give you suggestions of art/movies/music/books that can help you through hard times.
There will be others like you. And they'll show it in different ways. If you start acting upon what I have given you, I guarantee you will find yourself and then find these kinds of people.
Oh, and try to run every day! Even if it's just for like, five minutes at a time. It makes you the blood rush to your head, it makes you awake and alive. Trust me, try it out.
Sorry for the length :) But I hope I helped some. Never hesitate to leave me a question in my ask box, about a more specific matter.
Thank you for your time,
xxKisa
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There is always something to be done with these thoughts. You're only 13, you have a lot of life ahead of you.
Also, you're not the only one who feels this way. There are so many people going through the same thing you are going through and have made it out alive.
I have friends that have learning disabilities and I can see how hard they try and they struggle. Honestly, it makes you a better and harder working person for it and that will definitely be a strong trait in your future. So you're not stupid, you just have a disability. If you don't understand things going on in school, you should look into tutoring, study groups, and talking to teachers.
I think pretty much everyone has someone who doesn't like them. It's life and it sucks. I don't know your family, but you won't be with them forever. Who cares if homophobic people hate you? You wouldn't be the only one they hate because you're not the only person who likes girls in this world. You're being too hard on yourself. I know it seems like you're the only person going through things like this, but you aren't. You won't be happy until you learn to love yourself. Even some of the most hated people are happy because they love themselves, and that's important.
Also, I wanted to point out that you don't have to stick with the same counselor or therapist. People think that once they start going to one, they have to keep going to them. I'll change my doctor if I don't feel like they're helping me. There will be one who helps you so go look for a different one.
You're life will get better. You just need to find people who will help you. Go look for a new counselor and therapist. Go search for more help in school. Go learn to love yourself. It's easier said than done but it's not impossible. You're only 13, you have a long happy life ahead of you. You are in charge of your life, don't let other people bring you down.
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Im a 13 year old girl two :) I also self harm (cut) amd also wanna die. Ive attempted suicide. BUT its not worth it. Things get better in the end. Dont tell me I dont understand because I do. Ive had a bad childhood. Ive been thru sexual abuse, , cyberbullying, and girls always used to pick on me. Im also hated. But if you don't have haters it means youve never stood up for yourself. Its also not your fault youhave a learning disability. My best friend has one. You might think you weak cs therapists dont help but mine also didn't work. You just need to find the right one. Please stay strong. If you need to talk you can just comment on thos with your number or kik or anything like that and ill send you amsg :)
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Just about the homophobia thing, I'm a thirteen year old girl who likes girls too. Man its hard! And because there are other hard things in your life, I'm really sorry. But forget all those people who think you're weird or different. Sure, its harder being part of the gay community, but stay strong. I can bet that after you, there will be many girls in the same position as you. So be strong, and lead those girls to the right path. If you keep going, you can be a role model to them. Then you can help stop all these sad, sad suicides we always hear about in the news. And about those counselers.... Screw them! By getting this far in life, you are already more amazing than them. Hope I helped, and keep going. Kia Kaha. <3
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I know that one thing you don't want to hear is that people know how you feel. The truth is we don't because every case is unique to each individual person. However, I can assure you that while I cannot walk in your shoes, I can relate.
For example, I to have a learning disability (OCD and ADD combination) and nothing in school came easy to me. It didn't mean I was stupid and it certainly doesn't mean that that is the case for you. If you look at it another way, you can enjoy your accomplishments more because you might have to go the extra mile to get them. That makes them all the more valuable.
The issue of hate probably stems from your own sense of self worth. You have to realize that you are a worthwhile person and no matter what anyone else might think of you, you are the only one that can control how you feel. In fact, I'd recommend Googling Dr. David Burns, his insights into this are amazing. As far as the homosexuality issue goes, just forget about homophobes. Like racists or sexists, they aren't worth your time. They simple reject what is different out of ignorance or fear.
Personally, I'd look for a new therapist, perhaps one that specializes in teens or sexual issues. Perhaps instead of self harm you should explore other healthier outlets. One I enjoy is poetry. It can really help you get the emotions out and is very therapeutic.
Don't ever feel that nobody will help you. I will in any way I can. And I'm sure so many others will too.
Stay strong. While you think you aren't the very fact that you recognize and accept that you need help is an act of courage and strength that many deny themselves.
Things will get better.
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The last guys was so right.Just talk it out, dont stop beleiving in youself.I get it.Dont let go.
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Okay, there are several different areas that need to be addressed here.
First: YOU ARE NOT STUPID. Anyone who could write to us and explain themselves as well as you have is far from stupid. In fact I would say you are quite intelligent.
So the first thing you need to do is stop thinking this way about yourself as it is counter productive. Okay you have a learning disability. This is something mom, dad and your therapists should be working with the school officials to not only identify but to find ways to deal with it so learning is made easier for you.
Therapy alone is not the answer. There must be cooperation by and with your parents and the schools. If this is not happening, if the therapist are not working with your school then new therapists might be in order.
Second: Cutting and self-harming. You say no one is helping. That does not tell me if and who is aware of your cutting. Self-harming is very serious for several reasons. Reasons that should have one if not both your therapists working with you to find out why you are doing so and help you stop.
You cut because you are in pain. Pain most likely caused by depression. Teenage depression is most likely what you are suffering from. I am not a doctor but this is my educated guess in this area. You should be seeing a psychiatrist for medication as teenage depression is something doctors are now able to treat.
No you are not crazy. Depression is caused by the lack of 1 or 2 chemicals secreted into the brain. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have extra training to treat this type of illness rather than a family doctor. Not all depression is a mental illness.
Third: Your sexuality: Are you a lesbian? To be truthful with you at this point in your life it is hard to say for sure. If you are it is because you were born this way. It is not something you decided to be. Here again this is something you and your therapist should be talking about and helping dad understand this,
Lesbians and Gays' do not just wake up one day and decide to be homosexuals. This was in their genetic makeup long before they were born. You may have had some feeling of this when you were younger then when puberty hit it became more pronounced. Then again it could be something else. Something that many teenagers go through while figuring out what their sexuality truly is.
During the first years of puberty a good portion of teenagers experiment with same sex, sex. For one thing it is safer and less embarrassing. For another this type of sex along with masturbation allows them to learn about themselves and what they like and don't like.
Fourth: Logical or illogical reasons for feeling as you do. Perception is real right or wrong how we feel about something makes it real. In what you have written it is how you perceive it to be there for it is.
Does your father hate you. I don't think so. As a father and someone old enough to be your grandfather I would say your father loves you. If he is homophobic as you say or may think he is. Then he is probably wondering where he went wrong and mad at himself not you. Dad needs to be educated, if this is true, that he did nothing wrong. This may be who you are or it just may be you finding yourself. I cannot say from what little you wrote on the subject.
One thing I'm sure though is you family does not hate you. They along with others who know you would be very hurt if you did something so harmful to yourself, be it on purpose or accidental, that you died.
Fifth: Stop hating yourself. You are who you are. IF you stop hating yourself you can make yourself a better person. The only person that person needs to be is a better person tomorrow than you are today. Who cares what other people think. The only person that counts is you. If you like yourself others will like you too. If they do not then you do not need them.
If you strive to be a little bit better each day than you were the day before you will be surprised how much better you will feel about yourself and how much you will grow and mature.
Finally: My suggestions. If you are not working well with your therapist ask mom or dad to find you new ones. It is most important that you and your therapist are able to work well together. Your therapist should be someone you feel comfortable telling your deepest darkest secrets to. Which you can do since everything you say to a therapist stays with the therapist. Nothing should be getting back to your parents.
Ask to see a psychiatrist for screening and treatment for depression. I believe this is the underlying cause for many of the problems you write about. Once treated if needed I think you will feel better about yourself and the world around you.
If your therapist do not know about the self-harming or the degree to which you do; talk to them about it. They should be able to help you.
Last; if you ever get the urge to truly harm yourself don't do it. Pick up the phone and call 911. You do not need anyone's permission do so. Help will be sent to you and the call taker will stay on the phone with you until help arrives.
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