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I cant die but i want to. somebody please, have mercy on me.
( Im 16 year old female. I feel like i hurt my mother. If shes disappointed in me and you want to say she'll always love me but i dont care. I dont want love. I feel selfish wanting love from someone who i hurt. I didnt even hurt her, she saw something that wasnt related to her at all and she went through it. Why did she stop is a question i cant bring myself to think about. I get sick to my stomach. I could pass out from the pain ) I want to die. Im sad. Im scared. Im worthless. I have nothing to do. Nothing to give. I cause other people pain just by existing an i dont want to do that. I dont want to hurt people. I stopped doing everythig. Its hard to just get myself to sower. Whats the point. Some of the reason why i honestly didnt cause. I feel like a whole other part is the result of my own doings. Something so small and an invasion of privacy led to my whole life crashing down in seconds. What is left. I dont feel bad for me. I cant. I hate myself too much. This isnt something i can just learn from and move on. Its somethig that was invaded of my personal life, and i hate hurting others. Why was seen hurt somebody. It was never ment to be seen. I cant live with myself. I hate this. I dont deserve to waste more time and space of those around me. This is my punishment i guess. This is my pain inflicted upon me. This is whats happening, it is what it is. I cant change it. Maybe I dont deserve to be able to. I feel like this will never end. I cant die but i want to. somebody please, have mercy on me.
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It breaks my heart to read this. You are amazing, sure I may not know you, but everyone is perfect and has a gift to give the world. Love yourself. You may want to die, but if you kill yourself, you'll kill everyone around you. <3 Sorry I can't help.
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I'm guessing this is about your mother, although it runs deeper than that.
If your mother is a good mom, she will love you no matter what. Children will hurt their parents eventually, sooner or later, but it's just life. Parents will also hurt their children.
We're all human, none of us are perfect. We will always hurt people even if it's unintentional. We just know how to make things right and to forgive.
You're only 16. You have so much life ahead of you. You can do great things and help people.
You can also use this experience to help people who feel the same way you're feeling.
I think you need to talk to a professional though. Someone who specializes in these kinds of things. See a counselor or therapist. They will help you find a way to deal with your problems and get through the underlying issues you're having.
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From what you have written I get the feeling that mom somehow invaded your privacy and either read or saw something she should not have. Whatever it was hurt her deeply or so you believe.
Lets start there. You believe you hurt your mother deeply and you cannot live with yourself because of it. That in and of itself says you're not worthless. If you were you would just toss it off and move on. Worthless people do not get hurt, which is what you are feeling, over hurting someone else.
Parents are a very resilient animal. Sure we have feelings just like everyone else and yes anyone including our children can hurt our feelings. When it comes to our children hurting our feelings it is a different kind of hurt.
Not knowing exactly what it was that you believe so hurt your mother that you can no longer exist makes it hard to address. Right now she trying to understand the why this before she discusses this with you. Let me say this though, right now whatever it is mom saw or read mom is reexamining what she may have done or did not do to cause you to write or do what she read or saw.
Yes you may be getting the silent treatment for the moment but only because whatever this is it is because she does not want to say or do the wrong thing. Whatever this may be she feels it is important to address it in the right manner and not in the heat of the moment.
You need to do the same thing. You need to calm down. You need to reexamine what it is mom read or saw that she should not have. Reexamine why you wrote what you wrote or did what you did. What justification you thought you had to do as you did. If in the light of today you feel differently than you did at the time. Well then you can try to fix it with mom by finding a way to tell her.
I am going to assume for this purpose mom found something in a diary or on social media you wrote about her that was not very flattering. I will admit there are times when all of us will say things or think things that are not very kind. If you are the type to keep a diary and you wrote something like that I find nothing wrong with it.
A diary is a very personal item not meant for others to see and yes it would be an invasion of privacy for mom to read it as it is the repository of you most personal thoughts.
Searching your room for drugs and other illicit things is my right as a parent. My parental rights do not invade your privacy by searching your room but those rights only go so far. Even so if this is what happened you and your mom have to come to terms with it.
This begins after you have calmed down and you have both had time to reflect. You could start with writing a letter explaining the why or how of what mom saw and asking mom if you and she can discuss this.
Right now mom may be upset with you. But as far as her love for goes. You are her daughter and there is almost nothing you can do short of murdering another human being to cause her to fall out of love for you.
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You certainly seem to be in very intense emotional turmoil here. You feel things very deeply, perhaps? Some people do so far more than others. There's guilt, self-hate,and rage and a big desire for some sort of punishment crying out of your question. You feel a worthless waste of space, don't deserve to be loved? Don't even want to be loved? Now listen...the fact that this event has cut you up so badly is a VERY strong sign that you are NOT worthless. If you were, wouldn't you just dismiss it? Say 'Hey-Ho! I made a mistake...so what?' You wouldn't care. Fact is you do care. Strongly. Ever thought about what 'love' really means? It means patience, understanding, forgiveness. The acceptance that we are not perfect and neither is the loved-one. How could we possibly DO anything to deserve things like this? Love just IS. You've done your punishment if that's the word you want. You've learned that the power to love gives us equal power to hurt. And when we love, hurting a loved one inevitably means hurting ourselves. And knowing this makes you a very worthwhile and precious person indeed. Try not to turn the hurt on yourself. You're right...you CAN'T change it. But it will heal if you let it.
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