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Why do I get angry with my boyfriend so easily when I'm not with him?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite a while now. We're very in love and getting our own place soon. We both work full time jobs and he talks about wanting to marry me all the time.
For the last two weeks I had been staying at his apartment pretty much 24/7 but yesterday when he went to work I went home because I felt weird knowing that his parents knew I'd been there so much and I didn't want them to think I was living there and using him. He begged me to come back over last night and I didn't (because I wanted to show his parents I wasn't living there ,his parents pay for his apartment which is outside their house).
I explained all of that to him and he was okay with it after some convincing. Then tonight after I got off of work I waited around for him to get off because I was supposed to go back over to his place. He texted me a couple hours later "I just got off work and I'm heading home!" Immediately I got angry.
I don't understand why he always goes straight home and it makes me mad when he does because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to do anything he just wants to go straight home.
I'm always the one driving to him but he never wants to drive to me so it takes me an hour and a half to get to work and an hour and a half to get back and if I go to his place another hour which takes up a lot of gas even though I have a hybrid. I fill up pretty much every week because of it and it's costing me a lot of money too.
Whenever I ask him to come my way he says "I don't have enough gas for that" or "It takes a lot of gas to do that" and I feel like there's a double standard. It's okay to him for me to use lots of money on gas to see him but not okay for him to spend a lot of money on gas to see me?
I feel like I shouldn't really be mad but it always upsets me when he says that. Especially since he only lives ten minutes from his work place and pretty much everything else for him is really local where as he's 30 minutes away, one way and my job is 90 minutes away, one way.
It's not just that either. I often get angry when he works days I have off or when he has days off that I work. Today I got home around 6 and he got home around 8 so I was already thinking wow it's already 8pm I probably shouldn't go over there it's too late now unless I stay over since I have to work tomorrow and he has the day off.
He also won $1k a month ago and blew it all on an ipad mini and his car and I felt as if he should have saved part of it towards his share of wherever we move into or towards a cheap engagement ring and I'm still mad about that though I haven't told him that.
How can I not be so clingy? I'm just so in love with him that I want to be his world 24.7 because he's mine and I know that's wrong and selfish...
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He is exhausted after work, and this makes you angry. He is short of cash, and this makes you angry. He does shift work, with days on and off that he doesn't have any say in, and this makes you angry. He spends money on himself that you think he should be spending on "us", or on a ring for you, and this makes you angry.
And he's thinking of moving in with you?
What a fool.
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In a relationship it's supposed to be both parties have a "give and take" but it sounds to me like you are the only one doing the "giving" and he's doing all the "taking" here. Honestly I would sit him down and tell him that there needs to be a plan put in place. Like you will drive out to his place on Monday through Wednesday and he can drive to yours on Thursday through Sunday. He is the guy. It is supposed to be in his nature to try to "provide" for his lady. He's not "providing" enough quality time and some give! Maybe a few days away from each other might be good though. Maybe it would make him get in the car and come see you for once! When I was dating my hubby, he came to my apartment to see me all the time! I didn't have a car, but I did come over and stay with him. He'd go get me from my apartment and I'd go stay at his house for a few days and then we'd go stay at my apartment for a few days after that. He made sacrifices to see me and I had to make some to go spend time with him at his house. He needs to step up!
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I wouldn't consider you clingy. It's normal to be a little upset when he has to work days your off and vice versa. It can be frustrating.
As for the driving and gas problem, you need to speak to him about that. It uses up a lot of your money so he does need to play an equal part in that. You don't need to lecture him or anything, but tell him he needs to meet you half way. Just sit down, have a talk with him, without pointing fingers that this is all his fault, because it probably won't end well.
Obviously you guys are young, and he hasn't exactly learned the value of money yet. Although it's kinda hypocritical to spend his money on an ipad instead of gas to see you. Anyways, bringing that up probably won't solve the problem. I just understand why you're frustrated.
I think you need to express your feelings, and make sure he hears them. You don't need to be demanding, but make sure he knows you're serious.
Because if he keeps these things up, it can ruin the relationship.
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Ya know... This somewhat reminded me of my last relationship.
He isn't meeting your expectations, He is also a cheap sake.
You are not a priority nor is he making commitment to you or your relationship. Instead in some aspect he is freeloading off you by expecting you to go and see him so he doesn't need to waste gas. So you see, It is about his needs not yours.
So he won a grand, Your basically telling me he put NO money towards gas to see you?... Hell an engagement ring would be the last thing I would want from him at this point. Sounds like he did you a favor by not popping the question. Maybe tell him to hitch hike and you go find yourself another fish.
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It really sounds like he's not playing his part with the relationship. That is a lot of driving to do just to see him! Plus the fact that he won that money and didn't really spend any of it on you, it's a little bit selfish. As a girl, you want to feel like a priority, I know how that feels.
It's hard to keep doing what you're doing when it feels there's no return. I don't think it's the fact that you're clingy, it just sounds like you're getting frustrated about not getting from the relationship what you're putting in. Don't be so hard on yourself, you think that you're selfish for wanting to be with him 24/7, but he wants the same thing, he just isn't putting in the same amount of effort to be together that you are!
When I feel myself getting this way in my relationship, what I do is back off, set limits for myself. Like, I'm going to take a week for myself and go to bed early and save some gas and focus on work. And after I've had a stress free week to myself I feel a lot better, plus, after about a week my boyfriend is ready to make an effort to see me. (lol)
I would suggest just talking to him about it. My policy is 100% blunt honesty. It will be a lot better to just tell him what you're feeling now as opposed to taking it out on him later and him not knowing why you're mad. Just to avoid confusion or possible fights later!
Best of wishes!
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