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always insecure in relationships
I (24/f) have had a few serious relationships in my life, and they have been great - for the most part. I am in one right now with an amazing guy that I can see a future with. The problem is, I am always insecure, though I've hid it well with all my relationships including this one. If I don't get a text/call for hours, I get worried or suspicious. If my current bf is out and girls will be there, I get myself all worked up, feel sick to my stomach and it's all I think about. It's driving me insane, because I've never been cheated on/betrayed (to my knowledge) and have no reason not to trust my bf. I'm terrified I won't be able to hide it much longer, and it will ruin a wonderful relationship. How can I fix this? I'm exhausted from being so insecure.
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Well, I would like to give one remark here. You are acting much like an Indian girlfriend. You seem traditional when it comes down to relationships. Well, don't worry about it. The problem I see is that you have quietly turned overpossessive which is not good for a relationship. You don't need a psychiatrist or anything for that. You just need to change your viewpoint. The thing you need is a little trust in your relationship. It will take a little time. When he is out, even if there are girls around, try to relax yourself by telling yourself that he loves YOU, that's why he is in a relationship with you. Otherwise he would have had already left you if he didn't love you. So, chill and move your focus away from it. You might like to call him or text him when he is out for long but that shouldn't be an interrogation. He might not like it. Instead, it should show a little bit of care for him. Ask whether he is fine or not. How is he feeling. Is he enjoying or not. When will he be back, because you are missing him, not because you are feeling insecure. Hope that helps. And remember, since it is a relationship, it might take a little while for things to get better. Don't hasten. Don't panic. Try practicing "pranayam" or meditation. It will help in relaxing you. Good luck.
Regards.
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This isn't just about insecurity. You're showing some pretty serious signs of anxiety, which is something that actively needs to be dealt with. People are insecure all the time but feeling sick and obsessing over it are not normal.
Consider quietly talking to a therapist about that.
Oh and to echo Dragonfly's comment about inner beauty I'm in the midst of divorce and am dating again and I just picked between two women I was interested in. One was about 5'4 and 135 and the other is an inch taller and 40 lbs heavier.
I took the bigger girl. She's smarter, funnier, and a hell of alot more compatible with me than the other one was. Both nice, but there are alot of things that matter more than body type and appearance, especially in adult relationships.
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You are subconsciously trying to find your security in external things, things outside of yourself. Works the same with joy and happiness.
Those who go looking for happiness by purchasing things they think will make them happy, doesn't work for long.
Your conscious self knows he is an amazing guy and that it is irrational for you to feel this way. So this is more about what is prompting your subconscious which is also your inner child to feel she doesnt measure up? Can you think of any occurances from childhood not related to dating that made her feel insecure or unloved or special. Maybe something as simple as loving parents who didn't show the kind of love that really reached and satisfied that need inside you...there is a book about love language. When I started communicating with my subconscious...while wide awake, I got answers from her pop into my head.
Whatever you discover it to be,
you can deal with your sub much the way you would with a child who watched a scary movie only once but now is always afraid every night that there is something scary under the bed or in
the closet. Looking under the bed doesnt help to erase fears because the childs fears are in the mind...So the solution is to enlist the mind in creating a positive thing to focus on instead. For the child, it visualizes an angel or favorite superhero hanging out under the bed and another in the closet so that nothing scary can lurk there The child now is no longer afraid.
You can do the same. You'll need to use your imagination because you're dealing with ungrounded fears from your inner child about your attractiveness as a woman.
I will tell a piece of my story to try to encourage you:
I gained some(but not all) of my confidence attending nudist clubs. When guys can see all these women, all these bodies, you learn very quickly that they don't stare and are not obsessed with the female body as men who do not attend nudist events regularly. This is when you get to witness that some men prefer a personality trait more than looks. Some guys are attracted to woman way older than themselves, or overweight. So it isn't about outer beauty that we see in the modeling world. Not every guy is after a young, skinny curvy body with big boobs. Once you can realize that, like me, you will see that he indeed loves you for who you are or he wouldn't be with you. 99.9% of us women do not look like models. If you get a chance, study, I mean really study photos of some of the famous actresses without their makeup on and their hair done up. I remember seeing some in magazine or on the net. And do you know what I realized, they weren't any prettier than me in real life. In fact, some had noses that were too long or narrow for my taste, but it never shows in the movies, too wide a mouth, more wrinkles than me. And I realized that I am as pretty as if not more so than the famous women. Pretty salon styled hair doesn't count for a man is he can't come home and delve his hands into his womans hair for a passionate kiss. Some of those showcase beauties don't want their hair touched. They aren't even real.
I hope this helps you
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It's true that if you don't get this under control, it will ruin your relationship.
This type of thing isn't uncommon though, but you do need to fix it.
Take control of your thoughts and focus on the truth. He has given you no reason to think he's betraying you. Without any trust, the relationship will not work.
Don't let your fears create a false reality.
Don't go snooping around. I don't know if you do but it will undermine your relationship.
Focus on being positive. Instead of spending your energy on feeling insecure, putting yourself down, thinking of "what ifs", try to think about the happy, good experiences you've had with him. Think of all the reasons your boyfriend chose you. If he was with someone else, he wouldn't stay with you.
Don't compare yourself. Lots of girls do that, and it really brings them down and it makes you ten times insecure.
You have to take control of this. You know you can do it. Find other things to occupy your mind. Everything will turn out fine.
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I don't think this is terribly uncommon. It's easy to over think situations and having it snowball into paranoia. If you've no reason to believe that anything wrong is going on, try to occupy your mind with something else. It won't be easy, but letting yourself dwell on things that aren't happening will prevent you from ever having a peace of mind.
If you can't do that, try sharing your feelings with him. Let him know that you trust him and these are just feelings that exist and you are dealing with. Maybe he'll provide you with added reassurance and that always helps.
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