|
My Girlfriend Says That She Doesn't Deserve To Date Me
Tonight, my girlfriend of 4 months has told me that she doesn't deserve to date me. She has had some rather rough relationships where abuse (not physical but mental abuse) was involved. She also has the genital herpes STD, and she's not a virgin either and I'm still one. We are both 26 years old as well. But anyways, when she told me this, I did feel hurt and even angry that she would say this to me. Now usually like every month, she talks about her past. However, its getting to a point where her complaining about her past is beginning to frustrate me. Now I haven't gone through the things in my life that my girlfriend has gone through. Often it can be hard for me to help her too. We did date for a while back in 2010 for about 4 months, but we broke up because at the time she was very clingy to me which I hated and I had issues going on with my life back then too. We got back together in the spring of this year and said we would try to have a better relationship. I want to keep that going, but the fact that she often complains about her past is something that bothers me and I won't tolerate it much longer. What should I do? Also, she lost her grandfather in September of last year and her grandmother recently passed away too. Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First, do some introspection about this and make sure you aren't in some codependent "I'm going to save this girl and she is going to love me as a result" syndrome. If you find yourself honestly falling into this thinking you need to break up NOW and perhaps even see a therapist.
Okay, that warning aside, what you're dealing with is very common, unfortunately. The best thing you can do is go to counseling together to bring a fresh set of eyes into this situation so that the nuances of it can be fleshed out in a fuller way than what you've chosen to convey here.
Now a lesson on how women operate: they generally don't like their men solving their problems for them. What they want is to be heard. So what I would suggest, short of getting counseling, is ask her questions about the feelings she is currently experiencing and then find your own words to express to her that you hear what she is saying by repeating the underlying threads of what she was putting across to you in your own words.
Women are very security driven and she is in a kind of despair that she hasn't found what she feels is a completely satisfying safe haven where she is valued and her words are truly empathized with and understood. Your job, aside from showing her that you are empathizing with her, is to lend her the impression that she is safe now and an important part of your life. That is a tricky thing and I can only give you the most vague advice because there are a lot of specifics lacking in your query. Good luck. I hope it all works out for the two of you.
]
Well you better stay as friends for now. Obviously she still hasn't resolved her issues in the past. Having relationship with someone like that will be difficult.
]
if just by reading this post, i assume that what she really wants from you is reassurance. we girls always have a very complicated way of being in a relationship. by telling you about her flaws etc, it sounds like she wants to break up. instead she probably wants to hear you say something like 'despite all that i still want to be with you'. we're all suckers for romance. seeing how she was clingy towards you before, that means she likes/needs you very much and she still wants to be with you. however, at this point you seem to be tired with her whole drama by now (if im wrong, then im very sorry with the misunderstanding). so it's up to you. you can stay with her and let her know that you'll be there for her, or you can just be like 'you are absolutely right' and walk out the door. because i absolutely do not fancy girls who go into relationships just to feel better about themselves.
]
I think The best thing to do is to ask her if she has a therapist. If she doesn't, explain to her how you feel about her and that you don't know how to support her through this difficult time. A therapist can process her feelings around her past and help her to understand herself, and help her cope with what's happening to her. To me, it seems she has low self-esteem due to her past. That can be one reason why she feels she doesn't deserve to be with you. Try not to blame yourself for the things she said. If shes opening up to you about her past. It is because she trusts you. good luck
]
To be honest ive been in your situation before, to be honest i think your girlfriend is really to stuck in her past which can be a good thing or a badthink what i mean by that is right now its the bad thing with all the talking it can get you upset, but the good thing is that she really just want you to feel her emotions so its not bad to sit down with her and tell what really bothers her she might even feel even more loved than she already has, another option is to let her know that shes not the only one with problems theres people with worse and also add that the past is the past its not a supposed to be as a story like they "the past is the past in the future you laugh" no matter what her situation is she will think back and remember whos been trough it al with her and hopefully that someone would be you. you seem like a real good boyfriend i mean i know how you feel like your just there nowing the things that happend in the past it can make you think bad about the person or maybe even feel pitty but that person whoever it is always will need a helping hand and its better to leave that hand out and keep all those bad toughts away from the badside and look at the bright side all the time. Sorry if it doesent quite make scense but i was talking while typing.
Sincerely Rey Rincon :)
]
More Questions: |