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Not allowed to wear the clothing I want
I am 19 years old, female, from a family background of muslims (surprise, surprise).
I'm pretty much not allowed to wear what I want because everything I want to wear is considered inappropriate.
For example, yesterday I wanted to wear a skirt that is PAST knee-length, and only shows the lower shin area... which is half way to the knees. No big deal, right? Wrong! My mom just looked at me with this shocked look in her eyes, and said that we're going on a family picnic and that it's just not nice or appropriate.
And then she started drilling me on how my clothing is not appropriate or "long enough". She wants me to find tops that are like up to my knees. Like seriously? seriously?
And then she continues to tell me how my cousins also think my clothing is inappropriate as well since one of them called her and told her that I was wearing inappropriate clothing and that she did not feel comfortable.
And this cousin of mine wears a burqa that covers her face so clearly we both have different ideas on what is appropriate.
Last time, I went to a sleepover at her house. And when I got dressed to go to the mall, she started yelling at me for my clothing. I was wearing chiffon top with a tank top underneath, but from the back I guess the tank was low that you could see my bra straps so she started freaking out, and yelling at me. And telling me that what I'm wearing is not appropriate, and I can't wear what I want to because it's not appropriate, and that I'm at her house. And when I told her I was wearing a tank top underneath, she called me liar. Until I ripped it out from underneath to show her. Which actually made her shut up with an "Oh..."
Anyways, I'm angry, frustrated and really annoyed. I'm 19 years old, I think I'm old enough to make decisions on what I want to wear without having people attack me or belittle me because it's not up to their standards.
I usually don't say anything or argue back to my cousin out of respect, and because we're really close. But honestly now, I don't think I'm interested in having to deal with her. She's a total bitch in general, and starts arguments for no reason.
Anyways, for the future. Would it be better for me to confront her and tell her to back off and mind her own business?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Her upbringing sounds much stricter than yours, therefore I'm assuming that your aunt and uncle brought her up that way to believe that any skin is inappropriate. Next time she says something, explain that you are not showing anything inappropriate and that it is your decision how you dress. However, just remember that your mom was also brought up in a strict household so remember respect. The respect will always remain as long as you don't have an attitude and listen to her as well.
Hope this helps!
xx
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first of all, yes you are legaly an adult. wear what you want to wear. I wouldnt tell your mom this; " Hey, bitch back off, i'm and adult and i govern myself."
Maybe tell her this instead: " mom, i'm not your little girl anymore, you cant always be there for me, and you cant always make desisions for me. its time to face that fact, and let ME be who I want to be" :) good luck. my mom is overprotective too. I feel your pain girl.
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I am not going to comment on the Muslim part as I really do not know much about it.
However, I will comment on the age.
You are 19, You are legally an adult and you can technically wear whatever you please. You may not get everyone's approval on it but it is your choice.
If you want to wear a pair of shorts, Flip flops and a tee-shirt so be it. It is YOUR body and you are of age. Lead life the way you want it cause you only have one.
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Confrontation is never a good idea. In fact it is one of the few words I rarely use and recommend against using or doing so as nothing good comes from confronting someone.
You are correct in the thought that you are 19, legally and adult capable of making and following your own decisions. You are caught between family and religious beliefs and your rights as and adult.
In the USA and many other Western Countries, religious freedom and the right to chose is a basic right of the citizens. I would say to your cousin that I respect her rights to practice her faith and principals as she chooses and would ask that she allow me to practice or chose to follow what I believe is my inalienable right as a citizen of the country.
That when you are with her and other family you will try to dress as appropriately as you can so as not to not disrespect them or their beliefs. But you ask that they and she respect your right(S) to chose as is your right as a citizen and an adult.
She may see this as confrontational though I don't. It is not argumentative, it is simply and expression of your rights and desires as an adult women. She and other family members do not have to like how you dress, who you date, if you drive a car or anything else you may chose to do that you have a legal right to do.
What they should hopefully be willing to do, is respect your rights to do what you are legally allowed to do. You will respect their beliefs and customs even though you may not be practicing them.
I hope this helps.
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Are you really close with this cousin?
Or have your grown apart and into very different adults?
This isn't so much about confronting her as it is about letting her know that if she can't be respectful, then you can't be friends anymore.
Calling your mother to 'tattle' is amazingly disrespectful and childish. That kind of behavoir SHOULD be beneath her.
She doesn't need to agree with you, but she needs to be civil and respect your opinions to dress the way you choose, the way you respect her choices.
If she can't manage that, then you can't be friends. Friendship wont survive that lack of respect.
It's different when it comes to your mother. Frankly, in your position I'd respect my mother's rules when it came to family events. Being part of a family means respecting the shared heritage and religious beliefs - even if you don't share them. Cover yourself when you attend family events - not because you have too - but because it's a way to show respect for the values you know your family has.
It's also an easy retort if your mother complains about your clothing in other cases. You can remind her that your clothing is your personal choice, and that you are happy to choose to dress in a way your family finds respectful at family events because you love and respect them. The more you remind her that all of this about your choice, not her rules, the less power she has.
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