|
My daughter thinks I expect her to be perfect
My daughter thinks I expect her to be perfect in everything. I don't mean to convey this message. I just want her to do her best and maybe this is seen as wanting her to be perfect. Everytime I try to help her with something or give her advice, I receive a big backlash from her. Again, she tells me I am not her coach or I want her to be perfect. I am just trying to be a helpful mom. Any suggestions?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
Perhaps you could try to sit her down and talk to her, if you haven't already. Try to explain that you don't want perfection but rather you believe she has a lot of potential and hope to see her perform at her fullest. Also, perhaps you could tell her how you're there to help, and want for her to succeed at the highest possible and that if you could assist her in achieving to a point even higher than she is now, because you believe you have more wisdom because you have a generation of experience and are able to portray your knowledge, perhaps she can get even more knowledge by listening than she would without you.
You've gone through the teenage years, though perhaps without the same technologies, emotionally and psychologically you've had experience with it.
You may not be perfect nor know all the right words, but the fact that you're truly trying is all that can be asked of YOU. She's not the only one who thinks perfection is asked of her, perhaps you're trying to be the perfect mother as well. All you can do is try to be there when she needs you, and help her when she can. Through the teenage years, all girls rebel against their mother. I'm sure you have as well, thinking your mother said or meant this or that, then when you grew to adulthood and had one of your own you began to understand when she had done or said.
It's not much different in this situation, so just be patient with her. Let her understand herself and the changes she's going through, then she'll be able to understand those around her. Including her loving mother.
]
Maybe you should change your way of giving advice, don't give it as her mom, give it as her friend. Also, all these things you're writing, you should probably have a heart to heart about this and tell her all these things, she'll obviously understand your point of view
]
You need to wait until your daughter asks for advice before you give it. There are things you will not allow, that is non-negotiable. With anything else, all you can do is lead by example. Unsolicited advice sounds a lot like criticism because it is criticism. Give it time, one day, your daughter will totally understand, but for now, try to find three compliments for every criticism, if you must offer a commentary.
]
Tell her that you won't offer assistance with school work or anything else unless she directly asks for it. See what she thinks then. Tell her the only pressure on her shoulders is the unjust pressure she's placing on her own self.
Let her know that you don't want perfection but rather for her to be happy and that whatever she produces you know is her best work and that's all that matters as long as she tried that's all and there's no other expectation.
Show that through action and she should see it. You can't convince her of that which she doesn't want to believe but you can try and spell it out to her in a discussion.
]
Parenting a teenager. Been there, done that, have the bruises to prove it.
It is hard for us as parents to remember what it is like to be a teenager. First females are dealing with not just the hormonal changes they are having but the physical changes to their bodies as well. Then the social changes that are happening are piled on top of it. These are changes they have little or no control over so when things happen that they can control the lash out.
Doctors are finding that all the stress, both from the changes that are physical and the social changes, that many teenagers are suffering a form of depression. They call it teenage depression brought on by a hormone imbalance. It is a depression that is more physical in nature even though it manifests in mood disorders as that is the hormones that are out of balance.
Doctors can help these teenagers today with medication and with talk therapy. The medication only lasts a year a so until all the hormones come back in balance. It is a problem of the early puberty years for most teenagers. As their bodies adjust the need for medication generally reduces.
What your daughter is most likely going through is what our parents and our grandparents called a phase. Something we would grow out of and something most of us did. Today's teenager does not have to suffer as we did as our doctors can make it easier on them.
Tell your doctor what is going on then make an appointment for her with the doctor. Have the doctor screen her for depression. You need not and should not be in the room when the doctor examines her as it will be easier for both the doctor and your daughter if you are not.
]
More Questions: |