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He loves getting me little things, but I feel weird about it...
24/f, my boyfriend is 23/m.
Please don't think I'm ungrateful, it's just that I'm... not used to being treated well, or being appreciated.
I've been in two abusive relationships, one right after the other. My last ex liked to buy me things out of the blue, but somehow always held it against me (e.g. "I got you [blank] and you didn't [blank]! How could you be so ungrateful?"). The guy before him never gave me anything without getting or wanting something in return.
My current boyfriend is beyond wonderful. He somehow treats me like a princess and an equal; we don't play mind games with one another, and I really trust him, which is surprising, given my history. He loves to get me little things to make me smile. For instance, he picked up on me feeling kinda down one day, so he showed up after work with a stuffed animal, saying he thought I could use a fuzzy pick-me-up. I know, "why the heck would anyone complain about that?" But that's part of my confusion...
I feel so... strange about taking presents from him. He talks about all these things he wants to give me, and it's sweet, but it's not practical.
It also frustrates me a little, because while he's living with his parents, working part time, and able to spend his money however he likes, I'm living on my own; I have a cat to take care of, I'm working full time, have medical problems, and can barely pay my own bills. There's so much I want to do for him; so much I want to give him, but I can't. He understands perfectly, so far, but I guess I'm a little afraid he'll start holding it against me, or something.
I haven't mentioned any of this to him yet... I'm not really sure if I should, or how to do so.
What should I do about this? Should I even do/say anything? Or is it time for me to shut up and enjoy a healthy, happy relationship? Is this part of a healthy relationship? After my ridiculous past and boyfriends from hell, I'm not sure I know anymore.
Help a girl out? :)
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Maybe give some free advice about: Gift Giving?
You're bless to have a very loving and caring boyfriend. Maybe you should start to appreciate what he gives you. Not every boyfriend is like that. If you feel awkward about it you can talk with him in a nice way and explain it to him.Start leaving the past behind so you can have a better future with him. Try also to check out LIFO.com. It is a social network for girls that focuses on the latest fashion trends, celebrity gossip, social causes, beauty and health and lifestyle issues.
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i agree that he is just showing how much he cares. he doesint want anything from you but your love and to see you smile. he just wants you too be happy. now its time to say screw your past live for the present and make way for the future. so in short shut up and enjoy a healthy happy relationship haha :)
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24/m
Its time for you to shut up and start enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. haha. Don't even talk about it with him. For what i've read you don't even have a problem. I know you're feeling guilty about not returning the favor, but take it from me, some guys just like giving their girlfriends gifts to show them how much they care about them and dont expect anything in return. You're guilt is coming from that first relationship where the guy made you feel bad about not returning favors. This guy sounds great. You should consider yourself lucky theres not alot of guys like us out there. The only thing he wants in return is for you to let him know how much he means to you. If you ask him to stop giving you things hes gonna take it personally and you're gonna create a problem out of nothing. Just leave it alone. If its not broke dont try fixing it.
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Communicate.
Part of it is, he just doesn't understand. He's never had to worry about making rent, or paying for utilities, or choosing between the phone and cable bill.
Part of it is he hasn't been through what you've been through and has a hard time empathizing.
Bring it up. You said you trust him, so share. Let him know that sometimes your needs aren't rational, but that doesn't make them any less something you need, and what you need from him right now is to feel like an equal part of the relationship. Something which is made difficult by the gifts.
Tell him that showing up with a smile on his face is more than enough right now. Tell him that things like the bear make you uncomfortable and make sure to emphasize that it is not his fault, that it really has nothing to do with him, but that right now you're still messed up and insecure enough that you just need a little compromise on this issue.
Send the message "what I need for you is for you to be here, and to love me, and that's what you give me. Everything else is fluff, so just be with me and let me be ridiculous when I need to be" or something similar.
This is your mental issue, really, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve some accommodation. Explain your history with gifts and resentment and just tell him that you can't help your reaction.
Also, consider seeing a therapist. Realistically he should be able to give you a teddy bear without it upsetting you. And make some compromises too. Let him talk about what he wants to get you, it's his clumsy way of expressing how he feels about you, and you have to give a little to get a little. It should be ok, but it isn't, so try to find some middle ground where you can cope and he doesn't push too hard in ways that upset you.
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Baby girl, I have been on both ends of the spectrum here. I've been with guys who have showered me with gifts, and most of which weren't even boyfriends at the time, and I've also been with guys who didn't give me squat unless it was a special occasion, or they thought it would make me happy because I'd been bitchy for a while. From what it sounds like, you've got a good man, and all he wants to do is make you feel as special as you make him feel for giving him an opportunity to be with you.
For girls like us, that's a concept insanely hard to grasp. We get so caught up in the idea of feeling like we have to repay him that we almost forget to show them that we appreciate them.
Your man has a job, and lives with his parents, which means he can do anything he wants with his cash, but he makes a constant effort to spend it on you. That has to count for something. Not only that, but it has to show you that you mean something to him. Since he's not really getting anything in return than you know that he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart...not because he expects anything in return.
The reason that you feel weird is because you have never been with anyone who has ever placed any value in you...therefore...you've placed no value in yourself. That makes it extremely hard to accept his gifts. The first thing you need to realize is that you deserved to be treated like the princess you are (and you are a princess). He understands that you can't always return the favor, and he's reasonable enough to know that you would if you could.
Girls like this (myself included) get to a point where they don't feel like they deserve to be treated as such. That gets dangerous because if you find yourself with someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you should be, you stick with it because you either don't feel like you deserve better, or you feel as though you can't get better, so you stick it out just for the sake of being with someone.
Once you realize that this man obviously cares a great deal for you, and once you realize that you deserve to be treated just as special as he is treating you, accepting his kindness will get easier and easier.
As for your financial situation, if he's as sentimental as you make him out to be, you can always make something for him. Just make sure its personal and from the heart. I've done everything from poems, to mix cd's of songs that remind me of him/us, to actual recording (I don't know if you sing or play anything...that's just one of my ways to make it personal). You don't have to spend a lot of money, and it is way more intimate than anything you could possibly buy from a store. Judging by the person you've made him out to be, it doesn't matter what you give him. He'll love it because it came from you.
So remember,
1. He only does it because you mean so much to him
2. He's reasonable. He knows you can't match his gifts, and he's ok with that.
3. When you can't buy it, make it. Cook a special dinner! They say the best way to a man's heart is through is stomach lol!
4. Screw your old boyfriends! They missed out!
You'll be fine. It's a rough transition, and painstakingly difficult to do, but you'll get there. You and your relationship will be all the better for it!
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You really need to talk to him about this. It's totally understandable for you to feel uncomfortable receiving gifts, especially since your exes only did it to have good deeds to lord over you when they wanted something. Just sit down with him and tell him a little about your exes and how they used gifts to guilt you into doing things, and how even though you know he's better than that, you can't leave the worry behind. From what you've said of him, it sounds like he would totally understand. And even if it confuses him a little, letting him know is hardly going to destroy your relationship.
I'm sure you can find a compromise between his habit of gifting you and your discomfort. Would it help if he gave you things with no monetary value, like a sweet letter or flowers he picked himself? That may sound dorky, but they're just examples.
Anyway, talk to him about it. Talking about things that bother you and flaws in the relationship are part of what makes a "healthy, happy relationship". Keeping quiet when you're unhappy/uncomfortable with something is one of the things that destroys good relationships. Maybe your exes didn't care to hear it, but you've clearly stated that those were not healthy relationships. It's probably really daunting to think about discussing this with him, but it is important, both to help you heal from your last relationships and to make sure he knows how you feel.
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