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My boyfriend almost hit me?!?!
2 days ago i was at my boyfriends house (we r both 18 and have been together for 2 years) and he was studying for some upcoming test. I was getting bored so I started talking to him asking him questions like "how is the studying going" etc. I didn't mean to get on his nerves and I didn't know I was annoying him. Then all of a sudden he just snapped saying "SHUT UP B****" and pinned me on the wall and was about to punch me but at the last second moved his hand and punched the wall instead leaving a hole in the wall.
I was scared and I felt the tears coming but I don't like him to see me cry so I told him "maybe I should leave so I dont interfere with his studying,and I didn't mean to make u mad." So I left and when I got home I just went to bed crying and like 15 minutes later he knocked on my door and was apologizing saying "he was just stressed out, I wasn't the reason why he got mad and he would never treat me like that and he was just really stressed and he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me etc." he gave me flowers Chocolates and a stuffed bear and the apologizing went on for about 30 minutes and I did eventually forgive him because I feel that if I wasn't bothering him he wouldn't have done that and he's normally a very calm person. But now i'm so scared of him, I don't know why but now he just scares me and I'm always nervous around him. I don't know if I made the right choice forgiving him or if I made the wrong choice
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I really don't think he meant it. Being stressed brings out the worst in people. Even people without anger issues. I think you should just wait until he's more relaxed.
When I'm stressed, I have hurt people (not really physically more emotionally) but once i'm relaxed everythings fine.
Firstly, Give him room. Secondly, once the test is over and he's relaxed tell him you're really sorry for interupting and didn't realize this test was that important.
One more thing, next time maybe ask him if he needs help? I know, I like someone to "study" me. Gets the studying over quicker and faster. Plus, it can be fun as long as you stay on topic. If he's not into that, just leave him alone. Go have girl time!
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I agree with both Siren and Voice
You need to get out, You have received your first warning.
I am also a survivor of domestic violence, I was in a relationship for 5 years before I decided the hell with it.
Abusers have many excuses but there is NO excuse for laying a hand on someone, "Almost hitting them" or pinning them up against a wall. It is completely 100% unacceptable.
Guess what, I've been pushed down a flight of stairs, Had things thrown at me, Punched, Slapped and also pinned up against a wall and one of the reasons just so happened to be "He was stressed about his college" You know what else? ......That was just the beginning.
Your boyfriend has serious anger issues, His apology is his way of trying to get you to become sympathetic and forgiving. Don't fall for it, Forgiving in my last relationship ended me with a black eye and in the hospital.
Realize you are better and that you deserve better, Nobody deserves to be treated poorly not even in the most stressful of situations. If somebody truly loved you they would appreciate everything about you and would never think about hurting you.
My question is, You don't want to break up with him because you don't like seeing him in pain but yet it is okay for him to cause you and see you pain? NO, It is NOT okay. You deserve much better than that. Hopefully you will see that soon
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You're not going to like what I have to say, given your additional info, but you need to read my response to your situation. I am a survivor of domestic violence.
Listen. About a year ago, I was gearing up to marry him. At first it was just emotional abuse, and then it became physical violence. Now I have chronic neck pain because in the heat of an argument, he lost his temper, as he had many times before. This time was different - I was really scared of him, and for good reason. When I tried to get away, he grabbed me by my throat and swung me around the other direction as I choked. The second my feet hit the ground, I head-butted him, but he held onto my arm. I screamed at the top of my lungs, praying someone would hear me, but no one did. No one did anything. I planned things out and left him as soon as I could.
If he had grabbed me a little differently, if he had jerked just a little harder on my neck, I could be dead.
See where I'm going with this?
No matter what he says, or what his excuses are, it is NOT permissible to frighten, hurt, or threaten your significant other. EVER. Just the fact that he ALMOST hit you, even if he stopped himself, is abusive. You may not label him an abuser (I'm going to continue to call him one), but how else, exactly, would you describe what he did?
Rarely, also, by the way, does the abuse not escalate, particularly when victims return to their perpetrators over and over again, because they didn't do this before. But of course, who would fall for an abuser if he was abusive right off the bat? The problem is, though, that every time we go back to the guy, the fact that he can treat us like shit and we'll come back is reinforced. I moved out completely once before I left him for good, and tried to break up with him before that. He apologized and hugged and kissed me for a good hour and promised things would be better...and they were, for awhile. Then they got worse.
I'm glad to hear he didn't directly blame you for his violence, but I find it interesting that you're actually blaming yourself, here. "If I hadn't been bothering him, he wouldn't have done that." Sorry, but I call bullshit on that one. When my boyfriend annoys me, I say "Honey, you're driving me kinda nuts, here. I really need to concentrate on this, but I keep wanting to pay more attention to you. Let's hang out a little later," or if it's REALLY bad, "I REALLY need to concentrate on this. I'll talk to you later."
My point is, his reaction to you speaking to him should not have been to pin you to the wall and almost punch you. Whether it's abuse or anger control issues, he needs to get his shit together. You already forgave him, so there's no point in wondering if you should've done so. If you feel you aren't ready to end the relationship over something like that, then don't. But don't sugar coat it to yourself.
He should NOT have done that.
That is NOT okay.
EVER.
I hope for your sake and his that his actions here were just a one-time adrenaline-induced reaction, and that he never experiences that loss of control around you again. But the reality is that once an abuser shows his true colors, even if he suppresses them, they WILL resurface.
Nearly 3 million women are reported to be abused by their intimate partners each year, and those are only those who report the violence. Imagine how many more there are who don't. These are real, researched statistics.
Please be safe. Please be smart. Please don't become a statistic. You're eighteen - you have your whole life ahead of you. Two years is nothing, once you find a man who doesn't abuse you.
You made the right choice for yourself. When you can't forgive him next time, you know what to do.
If you need someone to talk to, ever, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. If I don't hear from you, I wish you the best of luck, and strength.
Siren
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Yeah, what you got was a warning that this guy has major anger issues. Certainly, you shouldn't have interrupted his studying, which was a totally selfish move on your part. However, there is such a thing as a sense of proportion and this guy showed he obviously has trouble knowing what that is.
Also, you are way too young to be tied down in a serious relationship. Break up, go to college, date around, explore life and then you can get serious once you reach your mid-20's.
I also want you to ask yourself what attracted you to an abuser. Do you have an abusive home situation, maybe a father who has anger issues? Women often repeat their relationship with their fathers in their personal lives. If this description fits you then you may need counseling to help deprogram you from this destructive orientation.
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I think you did make the right choice in forgiving him. No he shouldnt of actted like that but you have been with him for 2 years and this is the first time he has really stressed out to the point he flipped. I would just let him know that if he ever feels that stressed out again let him know he can talk to you tell him next time instead of studying your self to anger have him stuff and massage his shoulders for him for a few minutes or cook him some food while hes studying the smell will calm him down or just take a break and get out of the house for 30 minutes or an hour. he just needs to learn how to control his anger.
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Get away from him. He is becoming violent, and he's either cheating on you or comparing you to someone in his mind already. That's why something so random got on his nerves.
If you guys stay together, things will get really bad. And just so you know, by your staying with him, he's already lost respect for you. But he might also do you a favor and leave you anyway because he's already comparing you in his mind to someone else or some other ideal. Maybe his friends say he should be with a different type of girl or something. But there's something significant on his mind if this is the first time he's hit you in 2 years of your being together.
The only other thing it could be is that he's been emotionally abusive to you for the past 2 years, and you did not include that part in your question, and his violence is escalating. So no matter what the reasons are for his behavior, you should still get away. He is violent and dangerous, and nothing waits for you down the road with him but private and public humiliation, wasted potential, and possibly prison or death. And yes it often gets that bad. Do not forgive him.
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