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Getting along after the "I Do"
My husband and I did just fine until we said "I do" and then he became a control freak. He has been married 4 times including me and has abused all of them, even me. I didn't know about the abuse until I did some home work and saw the Div. Decrees. He has got the idea of taking sex away he can ontrol. I guess he can. I just want to know what kind of personality disorder this is?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Do you really think you're the first wife who thought "I can save him! I can fix him!"
You can't. Fourth marriage proves it. Run.
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Three failed marriages should have been a red flag. Someone who is a controller has a personality disorder. Personality disorders are not something that can be fixed with medication or even therapy.
While therapy will work it requires the total cooperation of the patient. While I applaud your desire to help your husband overcome his problem, he has to want to change, you cannot force him to change. From his perspective he sees nothing wrong. To him you and everyone else have a problem not him. This is coming from someone who had a control problem at one time. Mine was not like your husbands. Mine was more like controlling everything in my life. Everything had to be in its proper place in order for me to function. I changed, it was hard work and I work hard at it every day and I slip once in a while.
Getting your husband to change is going to be hard on you too. Working with him when and if he agrees he has a problem even harder. If you cannot or do not see him agreeing to the fact that he has a problem and willing to work to correct it; then the only advice I can offer is: Find a good divorce lawyer before your self esteem is so damaged that you need therapy.
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The kind of personality disorder that should have you reaching for a divorce lawyer.
Women love guys like this because they treat women like crap and women also like to try to fix them. There is a saying that the person who has the least interest in the relationship has all the power in it. This is what is going on here. What he is primarily interested in isn't you but his own narcissism. Being a control freak is a sign of underlying insecurity and a general lack of real self esteem.
I also want to ask you why you got with a guy who is an abuser? Was your dad abusive? Did you have any other kind of abuse in your life (bullying, for example)? Because women often repeat in their intimate lives what they experienced with their father, family associations or social group. This is because people tend to go for what they know even if it is sometimes destructive. You definitely need to do some introspection here.
In any event, the dude is a time bomb. Dump him now.
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Abuse is not a "personality disorder"
If you are his 4th marriage due to abuse, Then therefore you are his next victim.
People do not just "magically" change, Many need to seek professional help. Talk to a therapist
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Who cares what kind of personlity disorder it is?
Why does it matter if your husband is mentally ill, or he is just a complete asshole?
Either way, you can't possibly continue to submit yourself to his abuse.
Talk to a therapist. Alone, and togeather if you'd like. But a grown man who has repeated a pattern of abuse four times is unlikely to change now. A discovery like this is not the time when you ask yourself "How do I make this work?" it's the time when you ask "How fast and far can I run?"
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It is obvious your husband is the one with the most issues, considering you are his fourth marriage.
He needs to feel dominant, and in control of the relationship. He wants you to be submissive and obey him.
This is NOT HEALTHY. This kind of quality can turn into emotional, verbal, and then physical abuse!
You will probably be another one of his ex-wives unless you are proactive about this.
First, I suggest a calm approach. Don't argue with him and don't make it sound like 'You can't tell me what to do!'. Speak rationally, and give him your reason for your decisions. Offer compromises and make sure he is also sacrificing something.
Secondly, DO NOT let him control you on matters that are important to you. There is such thing as picking your battles, but do not let him dictate how you live your life. Small actions can lead into him telling you what to do all the time. When you feel strongly about something, DO NOT give in. Let him know that marriage is a 50/50 partnership and he is not your parent.
Lastly, I strongly suggest marriage counseling. You can see a therapist, a church counselor, or talk to another married couple who have a healthy relationship. Many times, an outside source is needed to help the abusive partner realize what he/she is doing.
Don't take this lying down. These things can turn ugly fast, and you must love your husband enough to work this out.
Good luck,
-Abby
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