|
infidelity: I cheated on my husband. How do I fix this?
i cheated on my husband and at first when i told him he was very angry. we have been able to talk about it but i still feel like we need more help because it feels like we have just swept everything under the rug. What do i do or do i just leave it alone?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Try going to a couples therapy session. Its pretty much a therapist helping you guys through your relationship/marriage issues and they can be a huge help sometimes!!
I wouldn't just leave it alone though. Its like a bandaid.. eventually it has to come off. If you try to fix it now, the bandaid will come off easier. However, if you just sit there and avoid the problem, it will hurt a lot more.
good luck!
oh and maybe its not a good idea for you to be in the marriage if you cheated..? maybe try to rethink about your marriage and see if its what you really want??
]
Hi,
Well i would say taht you should think back at what led you to cheat in the first place, and hopefully you and your husband can move on. Maybe he doesnt know why you cheated and this could also be a test which could prove that your marriage is strong.
Take care.
]
There are a lot of reasons one spouse cheats on the other. Is it ever justified. Maybe in the mind of the cheating spouse. From the disinterested on looker the question is always why? What is missing at home? If the cheating spouse is the husband the answer to the question is thought to be; has wife became a mother and just did not make time for him. Blaming him,for an inflated ego. If the cheater is the wife then the husband is either a drunk or a workaholic.
Not knowing the reason for your infidelity makes it a little hard to offer advice. Obviously something gave you reason to cheat. Just admitting you cheated and not discussing the reason for your cheating, will always put a wedge between you and your husband.
I do support the others in there advise that you and your husband seek marriage counselling. For counselling to work you both need to be prepared to be totally open with the counselor. This may mean individual sessions rather than joint sessions so you can freely discuss things with the counselor. Then in joint sessions the counselor can lead the discussions to issues one or both of you may have.
Should one of the reasons you had an affair be a low sex drive on the part of your husband, which would not be unusual if he is in a high stress job. Then it would be a good idea to ask your husband to consult with your family doctor. In fact it would not be a bad idea for both of you to have complete physicals including testing for STDs. Sorry about that but it had to be said.
The fact that you are still together, talking and looking and you are looking for ways to make things better is a good thing. Sweeping things under the rug is never a good option. Talk to your husband about counselling, it is not always the last step be for divorce court.
]
I would like to add another vote to the idea of immediate counselling.
There is NO going forward with this until you figure out why you did it, and confess that to your husband. I suggest you don't do this at home.
This is a huge deal, and if he is willing to keep you after your betrayal at all... it is going to take years before he will even trust you 10% as much as he did before you did this.
From experience, let me tell you something about the way men think:
We can overcome ALMOST anything, as long as there is a sound, logical explanation for it. Example:
Say you dated a real scummy piece of crap before him, and had sex with same.
If you have a perfectly logical reason for both of these actions, most guys will be able to deal with what would otherwise make you damaged goods in their mind.
If, on the other hand, you dated someone who was very obviously bad for you, and just decided to stay in the relationship for no reason, then left that person to go with your husband... also for no reason... well, guys aren't stupid.
We know then that you don't have reasons for the things you do, and any life we build with you will be destroyed at some point for no reason at all, or a reason you won't even admit to yourself.
This is why you MUST explain exactly what happened. Whatever the REAL reason is, be honest. Do not lie about this, because I promise you will never get a second chance to fix it.
No matter how stupid, or seemingly valid the reason you did this turns out to be, just tell the truth and get it out there.
Counseling will really help with this part.
If you don't know why you did this, you are probably lying to yourself. Maybe you just thought the guy was hot? Maybe you wanted some excitement you thought you were missing... whatever the reason, if you don't FIX that first, then you are basically doomed to do this again.
FIX whatever it was that made you think it was a good idea to throw your marriage away and break your husband's heart over having sex with someone else.
If you can't fix that, you can't fix the marriage.
Again, please seek counseling. Today would be a good time to call. Letting this cook, will only make things worse.
I hope you two are able to work things out, but if you aren't able to be honest with him, please let him know right away so that he knows what he is dealing with.
Good luck.
P.S. Another note: We all know that "It isn't you, it is me..." really means: "It is SO you!" so don't bother saying that. Just tell the truth, and the best possible thing will happen.
]
Well, you know what they say about marriage counseling: it is the final step before both sides start calling divorce lawyers.
Obviously, there was something you were getting out of the affair you weren't getting from your husband. You need to keep your eyes on the core matter in talking this out and leaving the religious cant/moral high horsing/other forms of emotional blackmail aside.
Because men are dominance oriented, losing you to another man hurts him pretty bad emotionally. He not only feels betrayed, but thinks part of his manhood has been undermined in the bargained. You have to first determine if you can go back again and if you can fully commit to resuming your relationship on the old basis or you need to get out.
Look, sometimes people just grow apart. Try to be rational about this, don't overthink it and really be honest with both him and yourself and then decide your course of action from there.
]
well, you can leave it alone, but that sleeping dog is going to wake up with a vengeance the next time you guys have an argument. you will eventually have to talk about it(or yell, if you leave it alone), so I suggest you get that shit out in the open right now. go to a marriage counsellor, your minister, whoever. just as long as you two get this shit finished in an appropriate manner. I've said it before, and I'll say it again- healthy relationships are about mutual respect and caring for one another, not one side having the upper hand.
you're sitting on a time bomb of your own creation. disarm it, or face the consequences.
-Gunner
]
More Questions: |