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Should I ask her to move in with me
Alright I'm a 19 year old male,and I've known this girl for a lot of my life. In the past two years we've realized that we have feelings for each other. Due to a series of complicated events she's actually been dating another guy for almost two years living with him for more than one.
Their relationship has always been tenious at best as he is abusive and controlling (she told me herself I've had to take her in to the hospital for the damage he's done) Unfortunately whenever we do get together (I've been living in another city for a while now) we end up kissing, telling each other how much we love each other, I've never had sexual relations as I won't condone cheating more than we have. Sorry for the long story, just on new year's I finally told her that we should be together but due to the vast distance and her lack of place to live if she leaves her boyfriend the only option is for her to live with me in a new city, basically should I ask her to move in with me? Thank you in advance for your help.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you really love her and have faith that you'll continue to (which it sounds like is a safe bet) then you definitely should. If her boyfriend is abusive, you could be just the push she needs to finally end it with him. It might be hard to adjust to a new city, but if you love her you'll find ways to make it work.
-Pax
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DEFINITELY tell her to move in (sorry if I spelt it wrong.) Her boyfriend's abusive? That's terrible! Tell her to break it off with him if he really loves her he wouldn't hurt her the hospital? That's insane tell her to move in with you if she's cheating it's obvious that his physical abuse is messing with her psychologically and her emotions are a bit mixed and instead of being loyal to her beater she goes to the one she loves- you. It's what he deserves of course tell her to break it off with him because he doesn't deserve her and if he loves her he wouldn't treat her like that. You can treat her well if you love her and she can be happy with you.
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Probably not.
As a last resort - as the only way she can escape an abusive relationship - okay.
But moving in with you is probably not the best choice for either of you to help create a healthy, mature relationship between equals.
Which means your first course of action should be to support her in taking to therapist, even a free counselor for woman who have been or are in abusive relationships. They can advise her on care centers who can help her get on her feet, on how to separate her fiances and set her on the right track.
A friend's support is always needed and precious, but for expert support on how to get out of an abusive relationships there is probably better places to go. Places that give her support - even if she 'relapses' and goes back to him - in a way you'll never quite be able too.
Moving in with a guy where there is huge romantic tension isn't a great way to escape an abusive relationship. It reinforces the idea of needing a male to care for her, and it is very likely to add to the kinds of insecurities that have her accept abuse in the first place.
If it's truly the only way she can get out, and she is game, fine. But first look up abuse hot lines or support services in your area and call them. Ask them what a friend should tell someone in her situation, help her connect with professional support and abuse survivors. Don't cast yourself in the role of her only support. That spells doom for your friendship in the long term.
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Ask the girl what she wants. Ask her what her feelings are. You should definitely talk about this before you consider it. What about her boyfriend won't he get pissed? She hasn't left her boyfriend yet. She cheated on her boyfriend so she isn't faithful to him. I think you should do what she wants. If she considers moving in with you then let her move in with you. But if you feel the need to ask and she needs help with getting out then ask her. Do what's best for her!
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Before I say anything regarding your question, I have to warn you that my response is going to be long, but please read it. If it's too overwhelming in this form, feel free to IM me on AIM (SirenCytherea) anytime and I'll break it down. Continuing...
First and foremost, I absolutely respect your desire to help, love, and take care of her. Period. It's beautiful and commendable. Women in situations like hers need friends like you.
I feel that I need to go into some detail as far as abusive relationships go for you, for her, and for future posters in hopes that they read my response. I can speak from personal experience from her side of the situation. I myself lived with a man who abused me for a number of months before I gathered up my courage and left him. The problem with your situation (and hers) is that there just isn't a simple answer.
To the commenter below me, an abusive relationship is never as easy as "if she was going to leave him she would've done so already." If dealing with abuse were so easy, the number of abused women (and we're going to go with women being abused by men because of the question at hand) still in their relationships would not be nearly as high as it currently is.
Any woman - any race, any class, from any kind of family, of any religion - can find herself in an abusive relationship. What typically happens is that the abuser is wonderful, sweet, romantic, and loving in the beginning of the relationship. If the abuser was abusive from the start, she wouldn't be in the relationship. Typically, once emotions strengthen and she becomes attached to him, and he to her, he begins to show his true colors. He grows more and more controlling and possessive, and those traits are abusive in and of themselves, but they can quickly turn to physical violence, particularly if she resists his controlling behavior. But of course, once he hurts her, he's terribly sorry, and behaves much like he did in the beginning for awhile. Soon, though, he lapses and the abuse occurs again...and so the cycle continues.
In psychological terms, this is called an intermittent reinforcement schedule. If you were to train a cat (I have a cat, so I'll use her as an example) to use a litterbox, every time she uses it, for awhile, you give her a treat. After a few instances of this, she associates using the litterbox with good things (treats). But, if every so often, you stop giving her the treats for a period of time, she'll still expect it and still use the litterbox, still hoping you'll give her a treat this time. Then, at some point, you start giving her treats again. This reinforces her behavior, but when you stop, she doesn't know when she'll get the treats again. If you stop giving them to her for too long and the behavior is no longer reinforced, she may stop using the litterbox, and you'll have to start reinforcing the behavior again.
The "treats" this girl's boyfriend gives her are the happy feelings she gets when he's good to her. Because he gives her those "treats" every so often, she maintains the trained behavior, which is to be and stay with him, hoping that he'll go back to being good to her and maybe this time he'll stay that way.
This happens whether or not she's aware of it. As you can see, I was well aware of what was happening to me while I was being screamed at, threatened, and bruised, but because he'd go back to being good so often, I kept hoping the abuse was just a fluke...but it wasn't. That is the toughest thing that victims of domestic abuse need to learn: He will not stop. This behavior is part of him; you cannot change him.
The best thing you can do for her is help her to learn that, if she isn't aware. If you've had to take her to the hospital for injuries caused by him, she's already in a more severe situation than I was, and I got a personal protection order against my abuser.
The biggest thing in your situation is that she has to get away from him. Whether she does that by moving in with you, moving in with another friend, moving in with family somewhere, getting her own place, or whether it happens by her winding up in intensive care, God forbid, she NEEDS to leave him. She is in a very dangerous situation, and that is the problem here.
As far as you asking her to move in with you, you both need to consider the situation at hand. Does her boyfriend know where you are? If he does, she'll be in danger living with you, too. Do you want her to move in with you because you love her and want to live with her regardless of the situation, or are you thinking about doing this to save her? You also need to consider the idea that she may not be ready to live with or be close to another man so soon after being abused by one, even if you've known each other forever and love one another. The fact is that she's been through a trauma, and she needs to heal. Of course, she can't heal until she gets away from the trauma.
SO. If she is aware of all of this and she would be safe with you; if she is able to leave him and never go back (and this is the hard part, as abusive relationships also tend to be addictive relationships), you can suggest her moving in with you as a way to get her away from him and safe, but if she is wary, you ABSOLUTELY cannot push her. You CAN help her look for apartments nearby, other friends to live with, family, or help her think of other solutions.
The best way you can take care of her is to help her understand her situation and leave him, no matter where she goes once she decides to do that.
I'll end there, as this is getting ridiculously long. Like I said, if you need any of this broken down, or someone to bounce ideas off of, or even if SHE wants a kindred spirit to talk to, either of you can message me. I'd be more than happy to help as much as humanly possible from here.
If I don't hear from either of you, I wish you both good luck. Please be the best friend you can be to her by helping her be strong and encouraging her to get out while she's still able.
Siren
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To begin, there is another question you must ask yourself before you ask if you should move in with her, and that question is: What do you plan on doing with the rest of your life?
Have you talked to her about her leaving her boyfriend? If she wanted to leave her boyfriend, she would have done so already.
How do you know she isn't going to cheat on you, when she's cheated on her boyfriend with you?
I think that you need to spend more time talking to her about what she wants to do about her boyfriend before you move her into your place. If she means a lot to you, you need to sit her down somewhere and explain to her the rules and regulations of living with you. She needs to know that if she is to live with you, no more contact with her boyfriend.
It sounds like you are responsible, but do not forget about yourself in a situation where you are also helping and loving her. If this goes wrong, you are going to need just as much help as you will give her so take this seriously.
Moving in with someone is very different from meeting them at a pizza place everyday. There are habits and problems they might have that you don't even know about and that's something you'll have to get used to.
To answer your question: Yes, you should ask her to move in with you, but only after explaining to her what your worries, rules, and regulations are.
Good luck, hope all goes well.
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