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Has anyone else gone through this?
I'm 25/f.
My boyfriend physically and emotionally abused me after knowing one another for years as friends, then dating for months before moving in together. The last thing he did to me before I left was pick me up by my throat. His biggest problem was always that he couldn't control himself, and I thought he was going to kill me...This kind of abuse escalated from fights during which he would come within inches of my face and scream at me. In response to this, I once slapped him, and I felt terrible, and kept apologizing...does this mean I'm abusive, too? Did I bring this upon myself by responding that way?
I got a protection order against him, but true to character, he's denying that he abused me, and got a hearing to try to get the order lifted. It's coming up, we both have lawyers, but I'm so nervous I can barely function. I'm terrified to be in the same room as him.
Does anyone have any thoughts? Any advice?
-Thanks :(
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The first thing I would like you to do is call an organization called RAINN which stands for; Rape, Abused, Incest, National Network. There number is 1-800-656-HOPE. They have trained people answering the phones 24/7 who can help you find people in your own town deal with the abuse you have had.
They will find you trained professionals to help you deal with the abuse; to help you file a police report which you should have done when your boyfriend choked you. It may not be to late to do so as the statue of limitation may not have run out.
Most of all these professionals will help you understand this is not something you brought on yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend has a character flaw that he needs to learn to deal with. No one should put up with being abused. As for court; Judges have seen these cases before. They know what to look for and who to believe, so don't worry.
Call the RAINN hotline, they are open today and ask them for help. Together with your lawyers help you can be successful in both overcoming what has happened and seeing to it that your boyfriend stays away from you or is put in jail.
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Alright.
First, the slap. Within the context of your relationship the slap was self defense. Based on established behavior patterns you'd observed in him you reacted defensively and slapped him.
He put you in direct fear for your safety and that was your unthinking reaction, once. You should phrase it this way, you are not abusive.
Second, therapy. Seek it. One of the biggest hallmarks of abuse survivors is constant questioning of what went on. Even when the factual events are clear and unquestioned, the meanings behind those events can be. "Was this really abuse?" etc etc.
A therapist experienced in abuse survivors can help you figure out the questions you can't well answer for yourself.
If the first therapist doesn't seem to be helping, talk to another. You've got to find a good fit and sometimes the first or second person you talk to just isn't the right person to help you. The point is to find someone you are comfortable with, because only then can the therapist help you.
Third, the trial. Talk to your lawyer. Follow his instructions. Don't contact or accept contact from your ex. The lawyer is there to represent you because you are terrified of this guy. Let him do that, you've gotta trust him.
Last, if you can go see a professional before the hearing, do so. Having someone who can testify as an expert reporting that you are legitimately traumatized will strengthen your case.
Also, if you have any contact with this guy outside of court, call your lawyer. If he shows up at your house or anywhere else where he can threaten you, call the cops first.
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First of all, you have nothing to feel bad about. All you did was self defense. Get the protection thing over with and move on. You deserve better than that. Everyone deserves better than that. There's someone out there that won't treat you like that. Keep your head up:)
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Hello. Physical abuse is a very serious crime and its something that makes my stomach turn. Ive witnessed domestic violence and it is not pretty. To put your hands on a girl and hurt them means that there is something wrong in your head. The most common cause of it is most likely drugs. Maybe he is doing some kind of pills or something? I am not trying to scare you or anything but the guy who was your best friend, and who you thought you loved, is a monster. If you have witnesses to what he did to you, then have them talk to officers because he cannot just get away with physically hurting you. You do not have to feel terrible or appologize for slapping him because the truth is, he deserves it. Does he feel terrible for hurting you? Probably not. There is something wrong with him. Just stay away from him try to get him locked up for his wrong doings. Your are a great person, and don't let his actions make you think otherwise. I hope I've helped a little :)
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This guy needs to go to jail and needs mental help because this isn't something that will go away. If he doesn't get the help he needs, you'll be sending him to another girl who might not be so lucky. Make sure your lawyer and the judge know how much you fear this man and even if he doesn't do jail time, they should grant you the protection order. Unfortunately, you may have to move away to distance yourself from him, because for some men, a piece of paper won't stop him from getting to you. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you.
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Iv'e never been physically abused but i do get
verbally abused by my parents no it doesn't mean that your abusive too just because you slapped him
you shouldn't have to apologize to him he doesn't
apologize to you for emotionally and physically abusing you putting you through what he did you don't deserve to be treated like that let alone anyone elese by slapping him you were standing
up for yourself defending yourself it was one of those things that just happened you didn't bring it upon yourself it's your word aganist his & by him denying that he isn't abusing you he's lying you've got to prove that he has abused you and is lieing get evidence proof you want to try & not get the protection order aganist him lifted only you know the truth and you've got to speak up and make sure your heard so the truth is told tell the judge everything that happened don't leave anything out when it does happen stay in your area near your lawyer and he'll stay near his stay strong remember you aren't alone there's others who have gone through what your going through this isn't your fault you did nothing wrong your the victim here not him you should
never allow any man to treat you how you've been
treated :)
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Get a reference for a therapist. Your family doctor might be able to give you one, or your lawyer. If not, simply Google support groups for abuse survivors and find a group session or therapist in your area.
You need some support to get through this.
A single slap is a bad choice (a single occurrence of assault - maybe.) not abuse.
At some point you have to recognize that even if something you did contributed to the violence in your relationship, it doesn’t make what he did okay. It doesn’t make him any less culpable for his actions just because you weren’t a perfect angel every second. He doesn’t get to say “I can’t control myself.” Or “She pushed me to it.” That’s not valid. His actions are his actions and he is solely responsible for them, whether he knows it or not.
Please, find support. You are right to take a look at yourself, to help you avoid these patterns in the future, but you shouldn't be blaming yourself. You need more and longer term support than we can offer here. Your very best bet is to connect with experts in your area, and other survivors who can support you.
Take care of yourself!
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wow.. i've never been in this situation but my parents have. they always fight and every time they do i shake because i'm so scared they will beat each other. which has happened before. I think when you slapped him, its not that you're abusive. you were just defending yourself. so don't feel guilty about that. if he doesn't like it when you slapped him, he shouldn't have abused you in the first place!
as for this court hearing thing. don't be scared. worse case senario is that he blows up in court and trys to get at you... but dont worry about that because there are other people there. like the judge, police, lawyers. so if he does anything to harm you, all of those people will have proof.
don't be scared. you got a protection order against him which is a very good thing. good for you. you gotta stand up for yourself. i'm a huge feminist and i believe that women have rights and shouldn't be treated this way.
oh and also, in court, you shouldn't worry too much because your lawyer will handle everything. they know more about court related things than you, so let them work. don't try to interfere unless its absolutely necessary. you'll be fine. if anything should happen, call 911 and report it.
i wish you good luck :)
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