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My Mother Cheated On My Dad Now They are Getting a Divorce?
Okay this may be kinda long im sorry just bear with me please. so here is the story... my parents have been together for 15 years. It will be 16 this march. I guess my mom was talking to an ex boyfriend on facebook, then they started e-mailing and i guess they met for lunch a couple of times. This ex of hers is also married and has a wife and children. Well my dad told my mom he had a bad feeling and he knew that she had been talking to him. Yet he said word for word what was in their e-mails. I know that he went through my moms email there is no way he could have known word for word what was in the e-mail. Which i dont think is right at all but it wasnt right for my mom to be talking to this guy either. she told me that my dad had found out that she was talking to this ex a while ago and asked her to stop. Yet she continued behind his back. My mom is 36 and my dad 40. Im 17 years old and i have a younger sister who is 10 and a younger brother who is 6. I guess i just dont understand why my mom would do something like this. She is always the one who says "if your happily married you shouldnt need or want anyone else and when you do it is time to end the relationship." But i know for a fact that she is madly in love with my dad. Apparently this ex meant something to her or she wouldnt have done this. but she came crying to me yesterday saying that my dad wants a divorce. me and my mom have a very close relationship and she apologised for not telling me about this sooner. my dad wont even talk to her. I dont know what to do or say. He handed her two grand in cash yesterday and told her that it would get her on her feet and she needed to leave and she told him she wasnt going to leave us. I guess all im asking is what do i do here. Me and my mom have always been closer than me and my dad but i feel sorry for my dad, yet i feel sorry for my mom. im stuck in the middle here and im confused! i just need to know how to act and what to say. If my mom leaves im going with her but i dont want my dad to be mad at me for leaving him. See my dilema? any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance!
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I'm old enough to be your grandfather so I will try my best to tell it to you straight and to offer some advice.
It pains me to read these kind of letters as the children are always the ones to suffer the most. Yes, I understand you are 17 but you are also their child so the word children applies.
First off just talking with an ex is not cheating. Having sex with someone other than your spouse is cheating. Even if mom was flirting and saying things like how nice it would be to sleep with him, until she actually did it, its not cheating its flirting. At least that is how I understand your letter to us.
As to your question: Unfortunately children are always in the middle when it comes to a divorce. By choosing one parent over the other is going to leave one of them getting hurt. You could say something like "Dad you know I love both of you very much; right now mom needs me so I am physically going to live with her but I would like to spend as much time as we can together."
If you are close to your parents, once the initial shock of things wears off, you could suggest that for your and your brother and sister that they at the very least should try marriage counseling.
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Perhaps you could write them both a letter asking them to get some counseling and try and work on their marriage. Their divorce will make a huge difference in your family's lives. It is very much your business.
Try not to take sides feelings. Just express your feelings. Many couples are able to work past problems like this and it's better for everyone when they can.
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Your parents are human, and have made some mistakes.
I'll be honest with you, your mothers first mistake was trying to tell you, and trying to make you all (and herself) believe that nonsense about "if your happily married you shouldnt need or want anyone else."
If you take nothing else away from this, learn that your mother was wrong: It's perfectly normal and natural to desire others in our lives, even just as friends. When we pretend it doesn't happen, we get ourselves into all sorts of surprising shit when it does! What's important is what you act on and how you behave. Your parents might have been in a better place to recognize what was happening if they had realized that desiring others is a perfectly normal passing thing in all healthy marriages, so long as you remember why you choose your marriage in the first place, and keep on choosing your partner.
Know that when you love someone, you might also experience attraction to others. Don't be surprised by it or pretend it won't happen if you are 'truly' in love. It will happen. You have to be ready to deal with it properly.
Obviously, your mother wasn't prepared to handle this. She didn't know it could happen that she would want contact with someone that her husband was not okay with, and she made mistakes.
As for yourself, you don't need to carry the burden of your parent's mistakes. I know that is really difficult, because you are a young teen and you are smart enough and aware enough to understand it all, but you still have to let it be their problem and their mistakes.
The best thing you can do is be honest with both of them. Tell your mom that you are confused, and tell your dad that you love him and don't want to disappoint him. He probably knows that if the marriage does end, you'll need to live your mother. However, it will likely mean the world to him to know that it's as difficult for you as it is for him.
There is probably a lot of silence going on in your house right now, and that is understandable, but you shouldn't feel the need to be silent and isolated as well. Talk to both of your parents honestly and openly. Go ahead and be upset and be disappointed and be angry, and let them know. Not to punish them, but so they know the truth of what is happening in the mind of the daughter they both love.
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I understand!! First off if it was just lunch why hide it? But it does say a lot that your mom apologized to you. Like you and your mom me and my mom are very close. I know that even at 17 it can be scary in the fact of where am I going? Am I staying here? I know both of your parents love you and your siblings and even still each other but your dad is upset he can't believe that his wife of so many years would do this. I have to say not many men would give their wives money like that to get on their feet that says something. If you go with your mom I'm sure your dad will understand just because you move out doesn't mean your leaving your dad in the dust. You can still go stay with him,talk to him,go out to eat with him. The only difference is that your parents and you are not living together. Who knows your mom may move out and they might work this out or they might not whatever happens is meant to happen. If you need to talk feel free to message me my parents got divorced when I was 9 so I understand what your going through!!
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