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Trust Is Important, But...?
I'm a thirteen-year-old rising female freshman.
Back in September, I got my first boyfriend. Let's say his name was Tyler. Tyler verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused me for almost six months before I finally broke it off. The thing is - I know I was wrong to give in to this - I lost my virginity to Tyler. I thought I loved him, and adults around me believed we were in love too, so I don't know, I just felt like I could trust him. I know I was stupid, losing my virginity at thirteen to someone I no longer care about, but I've learned from my mistakes and won't do this for many years.
Now I've got a new boyfriend. Let's say his name is Aaron. I've known Aaron for almost two years now; we've always been close. I'm Aaron's first girlfriend. I love him a lot, and he's the person I trust most in this world. Recently, I accidentally let loose the fact that I have a deep dark secret (that I'm no longer a virgin). He got curious and asked what exactly my secret was, so I told him I trusted him enough that I would tell him by the end of the summer.
I have no regrets about saying I'd reveal my secret to him. I know he'd never tell anyone. What I am scared of, however, is what he'll think of me afterwards. What if he calls me a whore or something? I know that means he doesn't deserve me, that he isn't worth it. But unlike a lot of other people, his opinion means so much to me. I guess I kind of need some reassurance in my decision to tell him. D:
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
My first impulse here is to keep this one to yourself. This is the type of thing you tell a fiancee to get off your chest before you ask them to commit their life to you, not a new boyfriend.
Second, guys can be idiots (I include myself here - even worse when I was thirteen). In some unforeseeable future, you two may break up and he may blab your secret to everyone. I know kids at my high school that had bad reputations because of what their x-boyfriend or girlfriend said about them after breaking up.
If you haven't discussed this with your parents, please do. They are certainly better people to confide in than Aaron at this point.
Finally, if you have completely changed your ways, (repented) you should consider yourself as if you are still a virgin. What I'm trying to say is if you truly change, (and I believe you have) then that old person that lost her virginity isn't you anymore, and the "secret" that you held doesn't apply to you anymore. Therefore, Aaron doesn't need to know about the "old" you. (I hope I'm making sense... If you read the Bible this point is made very clear.)
Please reply if you want me to point out some specific Bible verses that can help out.
Good luck!
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I think you will be fine. If he looks down upon you then he isn't the guy for you. I think this will really determine weather or not you guys should be together. I don't think you have anything to worry about, but when you tell him I think you should make it very clear that you are not interested in doing anything again etc. etc.
You will be fine. I honestly think you have nothing to worry about. All in all, if how you veiw yourself relys on one guy then I think you should take some time off the dating scene and find yourself. WHo you really are.
This may not be the case, but I am just letting you know!
Let me know if you need anymore help!
-E
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First off, calm down. If he really loves you, then he wont call you a whore. He'll probably be shocked, but he'll get used to the idea. Hang in there!
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First, not being a virgin is not a "deep dark secret". You yourself are blowing this up into a bigger deal than it is.
Second, you're obviously intelligent for 13, hell you've got better writing than half the people posting here who are five or more years older than you are. Intelligent people are curious. They get into more shit, they explore, and not everywhere you can go in life is a place you want to be.
You've gotta accept your past. It's past, you've obviously learned from it. The rest is in how you present it. If you tell him "I fucked up. I let someone use me because I didn't know what else to do. I learned from it, and I'm over it" is all you really need to say.
If he's in any way intelligent and empathetic, he's going to be angry at the dude. There's a guy in my wife's past I'd still like to throw a beating to. I think the problem here isn't so much that he's going to think it, as you still kind of feel it. You're doing the normal process for above average intelligence, replaying it endlessly to figure out what you did wrong so you don't repeat it.
Learning is good. Dwelling is bad. You're not a whore, and I think you haven't convinced yourself entirely yet and you're worried he might say something that you feel and nuke your self esteem for six months.
You can't control life that much. If you really trust him, trust him not to be a douchebag. If you can't trust him that much, in this situation I honestly think that's something you need to work on so far as being better at trusting other people.
This isn't an end of the world secret. You didn't kill anyone. If you don't make a mountain out of a molehill, he'll likely treat it like a molehill.
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If he truly cares about you then he'll accept you for who you are. He should be able to accept you mistakes and all. If he does change how he thinks about you then he's not who you thought he was.
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if you are really close, he will accept it was a *really* stupid mistake and help you get over it. if he's the type of person that would tell people you're a whore, then it's over.
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the older you get you will see your past as something to be proud of. Everything you have done and everything you are is because of the choice you have made. have no regrets about your choices and feel confident of your judgement. after all you did break it off! You are who you are and if they dont like it then they dont have to be around you!
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Well since you trust him alot and you know for a fact that he wouldn't tell anyone then it is fine for him to know as long as you trust him. Just let him know you totally regretted it and all that. Just so he doesn't get the impression that he HAS to and that you expect more out of him.
You learned from your mistakes and thats a good thing as long as you don't make those mistakes again.
Secrets bring people closer together too. Just make sure you KNOW for a fact he won't go around telling people a bunch of stuff, even if things ended badly between you two.
If he calls you a whore then you know he's not worth it and you'll learn more about him because of that and ended it sooner before it got worse. Most likely he won't since you guys are close. Good luck!
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