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Question Posted Monday April 12 2010, 4:42 pm

I just broke up with my long-distance boyfriend 2 days ago because I couldn't handle the distance. I really do still love him, and I'm not handling the break up well.

We decided mutually to be friends, but it's not really working. He's being unusually mean to me (which is to be expected I guess, since it's only been 2 days). This is too hard on me, and every time I end a call with him I end up crying. My feelings for him are still strong, but I do want to stick with my decision. Today we planned to chat at a certain time, and it's about 2 hours past & he's nowhere to be found.

My question is: should I cut off all contact? I really would like to be friends, but I can tell it is clearly going to take me some time. Also, if I do decide to cut all contact..should I tell him or just do it?

Btw, I'm leaning more towards the 'just doing it' option, without telling him, because after I talk to him it usually leaves me wanting to talk to him again. If I just stop contact, I won't have a chance to talk to him first. My only concern with this option is that when I am ready to be friends (maybe a month or so down the line), he won't want to speak with me/be my friend because I did the no contact thing without telling him. Ahh, please any advice would help!! I just want to be happy again. Thank you.

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mariahwannabe answered Friday April 23 2010, 4:12 am:
Sorry for the late reply :)

You say you want to remain friends, but if you couldn't handle being in a relationship because of the distance - it will still be just as difficult to maintain a friendship as well.
A friendship isn't what you need at the moment - it will still leave you feeling down when you message/talk to him because you still love him.

I was in a long distance relationship, and the same thing happened to me. What I did is I said I'd still remain friends - but really I had no intention of doing that - because I would still think about him, miss him, check his facebook 24/7 etc.

I don't know if just doing it option is fair. If he cut you out of his life completly you'd have so many questions you wanted answered and he wouldn't answer them because he wouldn't want to know you anymore.

Prehaps you can remain "friends" but day by day, week, by week, speak to him less. Keep yourself busy. I did it completly the opposite - I deleted ihm straight away of facebook etc, any things he ever gave to me I moved out of my eyesight etc etc.

I do think you need some space from him.
So it's your choice either way you do it - because it will be painful all the same.
But make sure you leave it on a good note :D

And if you arranged to chat, and he blew off he'll do it again. He may have a reason - But I've been through this, and you'll feel like their reason isnt good enough. You'll see if you dont cut it off - you'll both just get busy and end up getting disappoitned when he doesn't bother to speak to you.

Cut of all contact, it's your choice how you do it.
Keep yourself busy.
You're mature enough to realise it isn't working.


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LagunaBabe answered Monday April 19 2010, 9:32 pm:
Unfortunately, as much as we still want to be friends with our ex's, it can be too painful sometimes. I think you and I both know that this is one of those times. I would cut all contact with him and not tell him because as you mentioned, that will only lead to more talking, more heartache, etc. I think you'll find yourself a lot happier when you can break the ties with this guy and move on with your life.

However, you must know that he may not want to be friends with you later on, but if he's being mean to you now, what's the point? Good luck, friend.

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GrnMtnPoet answered Friday April 16 2010, 11:39 pm:
Cut off all contact for at least a month, or even three months if you can handle it. If you don't, you'll just end up arguing and saying things you'll seriously regret. You don't need to tell him. You're broken up, and it's clear that you BOTH need time apart. If you're ready to be friends a few months from now, you can try reconnecting, and if he gets mad, explain why you did it. If he cares about you enough to be your friend, he'll understand. If he doesn't, then you wouldn't want him in your life anyway. Selfish people don't make good friends.

My last boyfriend had to sever all contact between us because I couldn't bring myself to do it. As time passed, I realized that he had done the right thing. Your boyfriend will probably realize this too. Take some time for yourself - you won't regret it.

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rubi answered Tuesday April 13 2010, 10:09 am:
no matter how much you try you can never stay friends with your EX its always going to come back, so its best if you just cut off all contacts with him i understand its hard as ive had to break up with my boyfriend after a 3yrs relationship, give it time everythings going to get better.
good luck

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WittyUsernameHere answered Tuesday April 13 2010, 9:53 am:
Yes, you need to cut off contact. No, you shouldn't do it without warning.

Refusing to talk to someone you've broken up with is what you do when you're walking away without regrets because the person's deserves to be alone. Or for when they're creepy/stalkerish.

You owe him some level of closure. And honestly if you're going to make decisions like this based on what you need, you need to have the balls to stand behind them. You broke up because you can't handle it, don't run away from that decision because you're not happy with your level of self control.

Friends won't work, just so you know. You can't be friends with someone you care about deeply and want to date still. It doesn't work, there's too much raw emotion to work through, too much resentment on both sides.

If you can't do distance, apologize, tell him that you cant' talk to him anymore for all the honest reasons you're feeling right now, and THEN cut contact. Give him a closure conversation, then cut him out so that your heart has time to heal.

It won't if you keep reopening the wound with his presence.

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modelkate11 answered Tuesday April 13 2010, 1:51 am:
He sounds like my boyfriend. We were together 8 months. We broke up in October for two months because I was so stressed out (we're 4 hours apart during college months). He was really confused, blah blah blah its not my story its yours. I still always wanted to talk to him even though he was a complete ass when I tried. Being friends after that type of break up is really hard. First we went from angry texts a couple times a week, it was basically him flipping out on me and me just taking it. Couple weeks later our conversations would start off civil and end in some awkward way. I tried giving him space and we didn't talk for two weeks until some little thing on tv reminded me of him and I couldn't stand not talking to him. Two months later, after begging him to take me back for a month (my all-time low) he told me he missed me and now we're back together.

Sorry I rant a bit. If you want to cut off contact I suggest you do it slowly. If you talk everyday, challenge yourself to only talk to him twice a week, then once, then none. Its just easier than completely shutting off contact, i just feel like that'd leave him really confused or hurt. If you felt the need to break up with him you obviously felt the need for space somewhere within you. I know the hurt, I've been there and was there for far too long.

If you've got any other questions on this situation or anything that happens later on I'd be glad to help.

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Trauma answered Monday April 12 2010, 8:49 pm:
I don't see any problem with you two trying to be friends. However, right now, you're both clearly not over the breakup. I can almost guarantee that's the reason he's being so mean to you. People handle breakups in different ways. You both need some time to focus on yourself and getting over this. Stop contact for now, and sometime in the future when you think you've both had enough time to recover, then try the friendship thing again.

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advice_therapy_2010 answered Monday April 12 2010, 8:28 pm:
The correct answer is to follow your heart. The heart wants what it wants. if your going to feel pain leaving him and if you still love him and are emotionally attached why leave? i understand the long distance. i used to see my boyfriend everyday then he got a job and is a few hours away but our soulution to this is to still talk and be together but also spend time working on our lives so we can have a great future see im 16 and he's 18. so he's working and saving money and im working on my grades. so basiclly my advice is to stay with him but while your away from eachother do something productive to work on your life. little things i do is look for jobs focus on my school. but dont hurt yourself if you love him. Love doesnt always come often so if you find it grasp on and do not let go hun and dodge and learn to deal with any obsticles that might come in your way.

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Michele answered Monday April 12 2010, 7:24 pm:
HI afvs,
It is always best to end as friends. Because you are right, you will some day see each other down the road, and you'll be glad that it ended in a friendly manner. And there is no reason not to be friends, you have not done such horrible things to each other that you would not want to be friends some day. The decision to break off the relationship because you didn't like being in a long distance relationship is a mature decision to make. No one likes long distance relationship. And many of them do break up for the same reason that you want to break up yours. And of course it is sad. You had a lot of hope when you met him and thought that you would both be able to overcome the distance thing. There is no shame in not being able to overcome it. It does not mean that you are selfish, it means that you are normal. And yes it is going to hurt. There is no way to get through life without experience the pain of lost love. We have all gone through it. There is not way to make it stop hurting any faster, than exactly what you said. YOu guess you need some time, and yes you do. It will take time. But instead of breaking things off completely why not suggest the date and time of your next call and make it three days or a week from now. It will be easier. You'll have a few things to share, and then say goodbye again. If he asks again about when he could call, give him a later date and time. And it will all just fall off naturally. Because he does understand the relationship is over, and he is going to find other things to take up his time.
And if he is being mean it is because he is hurt. But that does not make it acceptable. Call him out on it. And don't copy him. Always be kind. But firm, and you will get through it.
Good luck to you dear.


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dearcandore answered Monday April 12 2010, 7:13 pm:
Its admirable that you still want to be friends. However, its unrealistic to think that will happen right away. You guys are still emotionally attached. You need to go with your instincts on this one and cut off all contact. Its the only way the two of you will be able to heal. He's being so mean right now because he's hurting. He will probably calm down with a little time and space. So quit the calls and emails. They're really not helping. Now, as to just doing it or telling him ahead of time, my thinking is just do it. He obviously doesn't really want to be in contact with you right now. He may not even say anything. But you know the situation better than I do. You may think its better to let him know. If you do, just send an email explaining that you don't want to hurt him any more than you already have, but you see that being in contact is making things worse for the both of you. Tell him you won't be calling him or emailing him for a few months, and ask him to do the same. Listen, he's going to be hurt. It can't be avoided. The best thing you can do for him is treat him fairly and the FAIR thing is to give him time to heal. Good luck.

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OhMyLucyDarling answered Monday April 12 2010, 5:17 pm:
Honestly, Is he worth the heartbreak? Look where keeping contact has gotten you. The biggest thing a breakup comes with is sometimes not knowing the real reason why. If he is being mean to you, making you cry and ignoring you then you need to use that as a focus towards moving forward. Should you cut contact? Yes. Show him you are stronger than this, You can take care of yourself and most of all show him what he is missing. Cutting contact is the first big step to moving on. Your main focus right now is you and only you. Spend time with friends and family show him he doesn't deserve you because he doesn't. Also, If he can't be a good boyfriend to you then he sure as hell doesn't deserve your friendship either.

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thelaura answered Monday April 12 2010, 4:53 pm:
You got it in one. It's too soon to be friends on this occasion. Some people break up and get on fine after, some people cut off all contact permanantly and others take time to be friends.

To be honest, if I were in your position, after breaking up with him, I wouldn't be calling him up and making set times to speak anyway. Especially since its only been 2 days. If you 2 are to speak, it shouldn't really be planned.
Perhaps if you're both online at the same time, maybe say hey, or see if he wants to start a conversation first. Just try not to hassle him, it must be hard for him still having you call him up etc, knowing you aren't with him any more.
I doubt I'd cut off all contact either, especially if I wanted to be friends in the long run. I'd just tone it down, a lot and maybe wait to see if he speaks to me first.

Things take time, don't rush it.

I remember with an ex of mine, I did the no contact thing for a few weeks and we turned friends after and are still good friends now.. but since this is long distance, you won't get that opportunity to bump in to him and if you delete his contacts.. then you may have deleted him for good.

Hope this helps in some way.

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