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My boyfriend doesn't want to tell people we're going out...why?


Question Posted Monday February 22 2010, 4:56 am

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a full month now and he STILL wants it to be private. I want to tell my friends that I'm seeing him but he keeps saying how he doesn't want everyone knowing about our business so we should keep our relationship hidden. I, secretly, told my best friend and she said it isn't normal and that boys who don't want anybody to know about their girlfriends are ashamed of them or are seeing other girls. I really don't want to believe that but I cannot come up with any different thought about it. Why doesn't my boyfriend want anybody to know we're dating?

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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?


shadow007 answered Tuesday January 3 2012, 9:11 pm:
I was dating someone for eight months and never knew it was a secret. He never introduced me to females. I wasn´t keeping track. Then, when I realized, it drove me crazy. Now we are broken up, and I don´t know if we can work it out.

I think it was wrong that he didn´t even tell me I was in a secret relationship, and didn´t introduce me at all, as a girlfriend or just as a person with my name.

He says he is a private person and wants his female friends to be seperate from his girlfriend. They think he is single. He tells me this after 8 months.

He did introduce me to his guy friends and family. He talked about getting married.

I feel so betrayed and hurt, it has been a traumatizing experience for me.

My advice to you is find someone who is normal. I know your pain, and secret relationships are very emotionally unhealthy. There have been proven psychological studies on it.

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xokristabelle answered Monday February 22 2010, 9:14 pm:
No one on here can tell you, you'll have to ask him. It could be that he's telling the truth, but to be honest, I really doubt it, it sounds like he doesn't want other girls to know he's not single. You need to talk to him.

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itdependsonyoux3 answered Monday February 22 2010, 8:33 pm:
the only way youll find out the truth is if you ask your boyfriend straight up whats wrong. you have to ask him why its so important to him that this should be kept a secret..
you have as much say in the matter as he does. if you dont want to keep this secret, you need to tell him. communication is key.
i mean, he could just be scared of what people will say and everything, or be really insecure about it, but he shouldnt want to keep it a secret for this long.
did he just get out of a relationship ? because i know that when me and my boyfriend first got together, we started dating the day he broke up with his ex, and we kept it secret for a month.
there could be plenty of reasons why hes doing this, but my best bet is that he is scared of what people will say, but thats not fair to you. yuh know ? and maybe, he doesnt know if getting serious is what he wants, maybe that scares him or maybe he thinks it wont work out if you make it official and open to the world.
lots of reasons, one answer.. and the only person who has that answer is your boyfriend. talk to him :] youll feel better afterwards. good luck ! hope i helped, and if you need anything else, feel free to inbox me :] xxo.

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SecretDreamer95 answered Monday February 22 2010, 8:02 pm:
If he doesn`t want to let his friends know that you two are together then it`s not really worth going out. You wont beable to go out to the movies or go to the beach and how are you suppose to trust him? Ask him what is problem is. "Why don't want you people to know we are together? are you ashamed of me? of us? or do your friends think i'm not 'COOL' enough? If you really like/love me then why does it matter what your friends think? let me know what is going on because being secret is just like not going out at all.." you deserve someone who will show you off to the world.. good luck hunny!

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Razhie answered Monday February 22 2010, 4:25 pm:
Whatever his reasons are for this behaviour, they aren't justifiable. You need to be able to tell him that although, yes, some things about your relationship should be kept private and just between the two of you, that not EVERYTHING about the relationship should be treated as a secret (certainly not the existence of the relationships itself!)

It's disrespectful to you if he is not open to others in his life about the fact that he is in a relationship.
It's unfair and controlling for him to try to prevent you from speaking to your closest friends about your relationship.
Those two things are completely unacceptable.

You have a very difficult task ahead of you, because on one hand you do want to understand and respect some of the rational boundaries your boyfriend might have. A rational boundary might be something like "Don't share e-mails or texts I send to you with your friends." or "Please don't talk about our sex life with all your friends." or "Don't tell them what I tell you about my family, or my exes..." Those are reasonable degrees of privacy to expect from a relationship.

However, "Never tell you friends we are dating." or "Never tell your friends we had a fight." are NOT reasonable boundaries. Those are controlling and isolating tactics that keep you from the honest support and friendships you have with other people. These are not fair or respectful expectations, you need to stand up for that very, very firmly.

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thelaura answered Monday February 22 2010, 4:10 pm:
You'll get mixed responses here, different age groups will also give different answers.
I'm 21 and let me tell you, if my boyfriend didn't want to admit that he was going out with me, I would be extremely offended. When you're with someone, you'll want to tell the whole world you are together and show each other off.
Does he have any VALID reasons about not wanting it to be public (afraid what his parents will say for example?) if not - seriously talk to him about it - because if he's embarrassed/ashamed to say he's with you, maybe you should rethink WHY you are going out with him.
Itis NOT normal, unless you're a child or something extreme, like you're having an affair and don't want people finding out.
Talk to him.

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awesomeal16 answered Monday February 22 2010, 3:04 pm:
I have had a few relationships like this but I was the one who wanted to keep it a secret, he just feels a little insecure right now, and I feel if you don't tell people about the relationship, the relationship lasts longer. I am currently in a relationship of 3 yrs and no one even knows, we have had a sucsusful relationship. so don;t be worried about it, he is probably just trying to make your relationship last longer

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orphans answered Monday February 22 2010, 12:35 pm:
Has he told his friends? Im sure that he wont mind telling your close friends, as long as everyone doesnt know. Maybe he just doesnt want people to make a big deal out of it. Long story short, dont worry about it too much. If it hits the 2.5 month mark, then i would start to be confused. Talk to him about it though. Ask him what the problem is with telling people, and people knowing your business? hope i helped?

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