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signs of cheating boyfriend
Okay, so recently to sum my story up short, My Boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5years. In the past I have caught him maybe 2yrs ago lying about girls he had slept with and he put it all out on the table who and what he lied about. 2 years later here we are he lied to me again saying he was going to sleep Friday night because he had to "work" saturday morning an I didn't trust him at all because his whole story about working had been changing, because he lives out of town also! He just recently moved away as well, so he said basically he couldn't come into town because he had to work. I trusted that he said he had to work even though things were sketchy! SO I called his friend later that night he picked up the phone an hungup an I heard music playing , eventually he called an chewed me out saying he was sleeping an stop calling him. I just so happened to check his account and see he was lying and at a nude bar? I kept thinking why would he lie, I caughthim an drove all the way to south carolina to fix things with him NOTE:i didnt do anything wrong, I think any female would have done the same an checked up on their bf of 5 YEARS. So he is wanting to break up because I went on his online banking and he foundout tuesday I tried logging in again and he changed his password so I couldn't go on an I assumed maybe he was hiding stuff and questioned him about it? I wrote him a long email saying if he wanted closure I will give it to him an called him that night to talk, this time he wasnt yelling at me on the phone he listened an just commented saying I dont trust him an never did, an that's why he did it an tried to get away with it because he knew I wouldn't approve of him going out like he did. Well needless to say we ended the convo on good terms he said he would call me and hasn't called yet, it's been about a day now! SO I want to know am I wrong? What can I do to fix it? I told him I would go to counseling to do whatever it took to make it work an would trust him but at the same time he has to gain that back from me? I don't know what more to do I have talked to al kinds of people at work, managers everything and have no clue what to do?? ANY advice would be appreciated , Thank you SO much!
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Sounds like your boyfriend is giving you the old "rope-a-dope", giving you every reason to not trust him then telling you YOU'RE crazy for not trusting him. He lied to you about girls, he lied to you about going out, he lied to you about girls AGAIN, then he told you he wants to break up with you. Now, I don't know you, so maybe you are the jealous type and its driving him away (I've been married for 11 years and I have never spied on my husband, hacked emails or accounts or anything like that, because we have mutual trust and respect for each other), but even if you are, it doesn't change that he has lied to you, and you don't trust him. You're instincts are right. Trust them. You're gut is telling you he is messing around. Don't ignore that. It may be painful, but when you finally do find a guy who loves you so much he wants to be with you as much as he can, you're going to look back on this relationship with new eyes and see how dysfunctional it really was. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is trying to gain his freedom from you without having the guts to break it off totally, like a man. Do both of you a favor and break this off. It will hurt at first, but you'll feel a lot less stressed. Relationships are not meant to be so stressful. They should enrich your life, not complicate it. Get out now while you're still young and relatively sane. You will not regret it in the long run, I promise. I know it isn't what you hoped to hear, but I believe with all my heart it is true.
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Trust is obviously a big issue in your relationship. I understand where you are coming from to an extent. I am also in a long term relationship (almost 5 years too) so I know some of what you may be feeling. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, trust was a big problem for us too. We both made mistakes, and we have both had issues trusting the other, but as we have gotten older we have come to realize that at such a young age, no one really knows for sure what they want. You need to understand that too.
I know how hard this must be for you. To this day I still catch myself getting suspiscious when my boyfriend leaves my house early, or looks at his phone when I am not paying attention. It's a bad habit to break, but you have got to realize that without trust you have nothing. I know what you are feeling, but you are wrong when you say that any girl would drive to a different state to catch her boyfriend doing something wrong. Sure I might think about it, but I would never actually do it. I would also never hack into his bank account. That's creepy. Think about it. Would you like it if he was always trying to break into your online accounts? The fact that it was his bank account makes it even worse. What could you possibly learn from doing that? What he spends his money on is his business, not yours.
Are you sure you want to be in this relationship? You have made it very clear to me and your boyfriend that you don't trust him at all. If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. The last time my boyfriend lied to me was about four years ago, and I had a tough decision to make. I had to find out the truth from someone else, so that made me wonder if he would ever tell me the truth about anything. I thought long and hard, but in the end I loved him so much that I was willing to let it go and move on. He has done the same for me when I have messed up. We love each other and know that people make mistakes, and as long as we are honest with each other from here on out, we can make it and be happy. We are now in a very healthy and trusting relationship. Your boyfriend has come clean to you, and if you still can't find it in your heart to trust him, you need to leave him. Simple as that. This relationship isn't fair to either one of you. He shouldn't feel like he has to lie to you in order to do what he wants, and you shouldn't have to be constantly worried he is lying to you.
No guy wants to be with an overbearing girlfriend. It's the biggest turn-off in the world. You need to learn to pick your battles. Have boundaries, but not strict ones. To me, nude bars are not okay. My boyfriend knows that, and he respects it because I am not a psycho-stalker girlfriend. The harder you pull, the worse they will try to get away from you. Remember that.
If you decide to be with him, you have some serious apologies to make. Talk to him and apologize for hacking his account, driving to where he lives to check up on him, calling him in the middle of the night, and any other crazy girlfriend stunts you may have pulled. Also let him know where you are coming from though. Tell him you don't appreciate being lied to, and that it hurts you more than anything. Let him know that whatever he is doing, honesty is always the best policy with you. Also tell him that next time he lies to you, then it's over because you can't deal with being in a realtionship with someone who just can't tell the truth.
Good luck! And remember if you have any further questions or comments to leave them in my inbox again, because I can't answer you if you leave them in the feedback box. Thanks!!
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ohmygod, NO! you are most definetely NOT wrong, he is, in EVERY way possible. it is normal and justified for you to look into what is going on and what WAS going on. he LIED to you and then fessed up about the "true" stories of his sexual relationships. I mean, yeah, good for him.. but thats the first strike. the second strike was when when he lied about sleeping and in actuality, he was at a nude bar. the thrid strike was when he changed his password so that you could no longer have access to his personal information.. this just screams, "im guilty." it really does. and if he wants to break up with you, its because he knows that you're not going to let him get away with lying and you're not going to let him think that you're gullible enough. AND on top of all of that, hes trying to turn this entire thing around on you to make YOU seem like the bad guy by saying that you dont trust him and never did.. uhm, YOU DID TRUST HIM, at one point, until he broke it.. multiple times.
dont take the blame for this. you did absolutley nothing wrong, and he should be fixing this, not you. but you also have to ask yourself the question: do you want to fix this? is it worth it?
i mean, think about it, do you want to stay in this relationship being paranoid that he is lying to you or hiding things from you ? like thats goig to be the biggest thing, and i know 5 years is a LONG time, but do you want to spend another 5 going over the same thing ? lies, betrayl.. ?its up to you darling.
but if you want to fix it, you have to talk to him. communication is key. sitting around, waiting for him to call you is not going to solve anything. and dont do it over the phone. meet face to face and talk it out. suggest going to couples therapy, and if youre serious about that, then look up a therapist who specializes in that field that is in your area and gie him the information. and yes, youre exactly right.. he does have to gain that trust back from you.. youre not just going to grant him it. sure, you can forgive him.. but never forget.
i hope i helped, and if you need anything else, feel free to inbox me :] good luck and be strong, youre an awesome person and you deserve an equally awesome guy, xxo.
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I would wait and see if he calls you seeing as he said he would if he does then that's one step closer for you trusting him no i don't think your wrong you would of been wrong if you didn't have proof and evidence and you accused him of doing something wrong but you've got all that i give you credit for driving to North Carolina the best way you could fix it would be like you said go to counseling or a therapist one that specializes in relationships it isn't healthy for a person to keep what their feeling to themselves it's better to get it all out in the open without trust in a relationship it won't get very far and will most likely end if he doesn't call you back and it becomes more then one day then you call him but for now wait give him the benefit of doubt he could be busy keep yourself busy so you aren't constantly thinking about it and making yourself
more stressed out then you already are if he does
call you then tell him that he's got to earn your trust back and that it isn't going to be easy to gain it back again maybe that will make him think twice about lieing and sneaking around and will make his bad behavior change and it will put a end to it for both of your sakes(:
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Honestly the main thing TO do is to not make the whole situation your life. I know how it feels when a guy you love has betrayed your trust and you feel like your world is just over, that there's nothing beyond your relationship and a life with the man you love. But I've also learned that there IS life after guys~ as much as you don't want to believe it. I truly think that it's time to let him go, as much as you love him and have been with him for SO long. I just don't think you can trust him. Guys cheat once, I'm sure they'll do it again. And I'm sure that night he was going to a nude bar, he would have done it AGAIN. Why else would he go to a nude bar except to look at/hook up with 'hot naked girls'? I really think you could find someone a lot better who treats you with way more respect than he does. Any guy who yells at you and cusses you out the way he has, means he has something to hide. Which of course, if he's cheated in the past multiple times, he has something to hide.
You need to ask yourself these questions:
Do you see a future with a man who has repeatedly cheated on you with girls? And knowingly did so?
Do you want to be with a guy who has an interest in other girls?
Do you want to be with a guy who yells at you and disrespects you?
When you guys grow older and have kids, what happens if he cheats again? Think about your future kids and how strenuous that would be on them.
Even WITH therapy, and psychiatric help, do you really believe he can be 100% faithful?
I, however, do not believe therapy really changes men who cheat. If you did seek therapy, and he agreed to go, things would be great for a while, a few months tops, then he'd probably lose interest again and cheat. I was also cheated on by a guy I really loved and it killed me, so I know how you feel. My situation differs from yours because he cheated, then dumped me like I was nothing. He had cheated on all his past girlfriends, got a tattoo of one of his ex girlfriends (the one he cheated on me with), asked her to marry him, then cheated on her too. As much as a guy SAYS he will be faithful and loves you yadayadayada, they'll never change. Cheating is the one thing that girls should never forgive, can you live with the fact that your boyfriend touched other girls who weren't you? Guys who cheat knowingly do so, even with you in mind I'm sure he did it anyway and probably doesn't regret it even though he may have said he does.
Please think of yourself in this situation and not your boyfriend. The last thing I want is you, for the rest of your life, crying and stressing over this guy who obviously doesn't deserve you. He may say things that make your heart stop and make you smile, but how long do those moments last before the next fight? How much longer till he cheats again? How will you know?
Keep all of that in mind sweetie, and I hope you make the right decision instead of waiting too long and marrying him, then regretting your decision. <3
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