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Trust
Okay, so recently to sum my story up short, My Boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5years. In the past I have caught him maybe 2yrs ago lying about girls he had slept with and he put it all out on the table who and what he lied about. 2 years later here we are he lied to me again saying he was going to sleep Friday night because he had to "work" saturday morning an I didn't trust him at all because his whole story about working had been changing, because he lives out of town also! He just recently moved away as well, so he said basically he couldn't come into town because he had to work. I trusted that he said he had to work even though things were sketchy! SO I called his friend later that night he picked up the phone an hungup an I heard music playing , eventually Travis called an chewed me out saying he was sleeping an stop calling him. I just so happened to check his account and see he was lying and at a nude bar? I kept thinking why would he lie, I caughthim an drove all the way to south carolina to fix things with him NOTE:i didnt do anything wrong, I think any female would have done the same an checked up on their bf of 5 YEARS. So he is wanting to break up because I went on his online banking and he foundout tuesday I tried logging in again and he changed his password so I couldn't go on an I assumed maybe he was hiding stuff and questioned him about it? I wrote him a long email saying if he wanted closure I will give it to him an called him that night to talk, this time he wasnt yelling at me on the phone he listened an just commented saying I dont trust him an never did, an that's why he did it an tried to get away with it because he knew I wouldn't approve of him going out like he did. Well needless to say we ended the convo on good terms he said he would call me and hasn't called yet, it's been about a day now! SO I want to know am I wrong? What can I do to fix it? I told him I would go to counseling to do whatever it took to make it work an would trust him but at the same time he has to gain that back from me? I don't know what more to do I have talked to al kinds of people at work, managers everything and have no clue what to do?? ANY advice would be appreciated , Thank you SO much!
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DUMP HIM!
The guy obviously can't be faithful, He can't be honest and he can't RESPECT you. Not only has the guy lied in the past but he can't seem to keep a clean plate. Counseling or not, Your boyfriend is going to do whatever he wants to do. If you two can't talk it out and try to work on it then what in gods name makes you think a counselor is going to fix it for you? Honestly, The guy sounds like he is an immature dick. No, You didn't end the conversation on good terms HE ended the conversation seeking the easy way out. Why waste your time with a man whore? You could be spending all this time finding someone better. Don't let the guy keep lying to your face. Move on
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Well,we all know that above all else the most important and core reason in any relationship is trust.With out this, you really can't build off anything.I know this is a guy you've loved for 5 years,but think back to the first time you met. Are things different now? Have you changed, has he? Maybe this guy isn't the person you love anymore, and though it hurts sometimes people just naturally part ways. Now i know i'm not giving you any advice as to what to do about him lying about where he was, but that's because this is what it boils down to. Whats been happening for all these years is you're living in stress,or fear that your man is going to cheat on you, because he already has. If you have a gut feeling you shouldn't be trusting him, you have every right to believe in this feeling. You know him,there fore you know of what his actions and true intentions are. It's your decision to act on them or not. If I were you, i would write a list of everything he's done,good and bad, and for every bad thing he's done- write weather he made up for it or not, and what he did to make up for it. That should give you a good idea of if he's really been worth all of this effort.Then I'd go down to talk to him face to face. But what i would have in mind all these things he's done,and give him a straight forward talk about everything you think needs to be fixed in your relationship. If he's not ready to change it,then you got to be ready to make a change in your life.You should also be open to what he wants to change as well,within reason. Now i can't really sit here and tell you to leave your boyfriend, because i don't know many things about your relationship. But in the end your first priority is to be happy, and if it's not with him, it'll be by yourself,your friends,and family. Also just a point- since you're further away from each other now, the space will make it easier. All in all everything's up in the air until you have a serious talk with him about your whole relationship. Hopefully things will work out in your favor,weather you guys stay together or you move on to independence. I also hope i helped ! Good luck to you :]
xkisakissx
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No offense but your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
He claims that he "only went to a strip club to see if you were checking on him". Thats ridiculous and sounds like a lie. Honestly he probably just made that excuse up after you found him out to make you seem like the bad guy
You dont need counseling, and dont let anybody tell you that you do.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and lay it all out there, tell him exactly how your feeling and just straight up say if you dont want to be with me or you just want to mess around with your friends then thats fine, but dont make me feel like im the one doing something wrong when i was just worried about you.
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You said he lives in another city. I doubt you're seeing each other multiple times a week if thats true.
Online, distance, whatever. Its all interchangeable. You talked about e-mail instead of phone calls. Regardless, unless you gave me bad information, what I said is true.
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You definitely have not done anything wrong.
Do not listen to any crap about your uneasy feelings being your fault. If you feel uneasy with regards to your boyfriend, or if you don't trust him, it is because he has done things that warrant your mistrust. Trust is earned. The fact that you don't trust him completely means that he hasn't earned it. Listen to your gut. For the most part, if you feel somebody is lying to you, they probably are.
In other words, the fact that you check up on your boyfriend is not an invasion of his privacy. He has a history of lying to you. Therefore, it makes sense that you would look to other resources in order to uncover the truth about what he is doing. If he won't tell you the truth, you SHOULD look for it yourself.
To put it bluntly: trusting your boyfriend would be a mistake. And he is the one that needs to change, not you.
You need to start sticking up for your feelings. Do not let your boyfriend tell you that your fears and worries are not rational when they absolutely are. Do not let him tell you that you do not have a right to feel the things that you feel. For example, him telling you that he lied to you and went out SPECIFICALLY because he knew you wouldn't like it is absolutely horrible. Saying something like that is a manipulative tactic, designed to make you believe that if you didn't express your feelings of worry, he wouldn't have done what he did. It suggests that you brought your hurt feelings upon yourself.In other words, it is a way of your boyfriend neglecting to take responsibility for his actions. He hurt you, and he is saying it is your fault. How messed up is that? When your boyfriend says things like that, it also implies that you being uncomfortable with him going out isn't right. It states that if you are worried about him going out, you deserve to be lied to and hurt. It implies that your boyfriend should be able to do whatever he wants, regardless of how it makes you feel. THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. Your boyfriend should be trying to make you happy, not trying to push your limits. In other words, if you are not comfortable with your boyfriend doing something, he should respect your feelings and steer clear of activities that hurt you. He shouldn't be like "well, since you expressed your feelings, I'm going to go out and do exactly the thing you asked me not to do, just because I can". That type of behaviour is vindictive, selfish, and just plain mean.
I think you need to start asserting your feelings. Do not worry about doing something wrong. Do not worry about being the clingy/bitchy/etc. girlfriend. Those are just labels that people use to manipulate women into not expressing themselves.As of right now, you are being manipulated and mistreated within your relationship. You need to stand up for yourself.
If you want this relationship to work out, your boyfriend is going to have to shape up. As it is, he is driving it into the ground.
Let him know that. Tell him how you feel. And DO NOT back down.
By the way, if you found my advice useful and would like to return the favour, please visit my blog:
www.wecareaboutlove.blogspot.com
We are having a conversation about Valentine's Day, and I would love to hear your perspectives on the holiday. :)
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