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How do I make my wife fall in love with me again?

Question Posted Sunday June 14 2009, 3:40 pm

I recently discovered that my wife isn’t in love with me anymore. She hasn’t left me, but it’s come pretty close. I know that after we had our child, that the spark hasn’t been there. Our focus has become our child and our careers. I also know that I have made some mistakes in our marriage. But I do believe that I am a good man, and a good husband. She doesn’t have high hopes that we can ever get back what we used to have, but I do believe we can get through this. I love my wife more than words can describe and I just want to win her heart back. Has anyone gone through this and succeeded? Can anyone give me advice on how to make her fall back in love with me?

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Clarey answered Tuesday October 8 2013, 12:56 am:
I am in the same boat. My wife says she has strong sexual and lustful feelings for her friend but still loves me deep down and doesn't want to lose me! Makes sense.. yeh right!.. She says she wants her infatuation/feelings to stop with her friend and wants our marriage to work out and that we both have to make changes to ourselves in order for it to work. I am happy with that and also prepared to try everything to save our marriage. I adore and worship the ground she walks on. I'm not however going to pretend I'm perfect. No one is. We have had ups and downs, lately more downs than ups and we are both to blame for our rocky relationship. She has however insisted that she still maintains contact with this friend whom she has feelings for. They regularly talk, meet up, go out, go for meals together in restaurants even go to our home for "tea" when I'm not there and has even stayed over when I was on night shift.My wife tells me that the most they have done is cuddled and "felt each others hearts beating" ..which I thought sounded a bit mental. I have asked both my wife and "the friend" to stop contact with each other.. at least until my wifes feelings go away and we sort out our marriage. My wife thinks I am both wrong and unreasonable to ask this and will not cease contact with this friend and the friend just didn't acknowledge me. I am obviously hurt. Am I being unreasonable to ask my wife to cease contact with the friend she has feelings for or not? I am concerned that unless contact with the "friend" stops, there is no way we are going to be able to work our marriage out. I know she cant help feelings for someone else, but I feel a bit hurt and disrespected that she wont stop the contact. I'm not sleeping or eating, I have just left our home to try and give her a bit space as my emotions are so up a height and its making me cry a lot, gutted and confused. I have been reading various columns which suggests that she may have no intention of working on our marriage, and that she cant really love me if she has those feelings for someone else. She is not willing to cut contact with the "friend". Do I just trust my instinct and let go, or do I fight for her because I love her. I'm really mixed up and stuck. How can I make my wife fall in love with me again?

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MichaelCross answered Tuesday July 30 2013, 6:38 pm:
I've talked to so many men just like you and all I can say is that if she hasn't left yet, then it's not too late. Careers and children do place an enormous amount of demand on your attention and your time, but it doesn't mean that your marriage has to fall apart.

Let me ask you a couple of things:
1. Are you indecisive in your relationship?
2. How often do you initiate some fun together?
3. Do you feel that you have your wife's respect?

When men lose their wive's respect, it's often because somewhere along the way they stopped being leaders in their marriage. It's all about attraction and women are attracted to men who are gentle by also take initiative.

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venom_97 answered Sunday June 14 2009, 11:05 pm:
Yes, I have been through this and as a matter of fact several of times with the same man for over 18 years now. Truth is everyone falls in and out of love, so it's natural and isn't a sign that things are good or bad. Instead it's a sign that work needs to be done. Children do take away from intimacy. We as women sometimes need to know that we are appreciated by actions and not words. Flowers, cards, love notes, poems. The things done to get us are the things needed to be done to keep us. This goes both ways of course. She needs to let you know that you are appreciated too. My suggestion is a weekend get away with no children. Somewhere that you will need to drive to in order to have conversation on the road (with some nice music, Sade, Maxwell,) and talk about how you feel about her, what your dreams and goals are and that she is included. Get your connection back.

My x husband and I divoreced in 2005, and remarried November of last year. It's hard but God is the center of your marriage. I am not sure if you are religious or not, but I am and I know of God's miracles. It is important to have compatibility and not competibility. It is a requirement to grow together and not separately. Write down when you started growing apart, and why. once you have done this, do a serious self evaluation to determine if something has pushed your wife away from you in order to do the opposite to pull her closer to you.

Good luck and best wishes to your family.

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es answered Sunday June 14 2009, 8:23 pm:
I'll tell you right now that I haven't been through this, but you seem so genuinely in love with her that it makes me want to try to help, even if it's a little.

First, how about going on a "date"?
Set up a time when your child (Im not sure of the age and whether it's necessary) can be left with a babysitter or relatives, and take her out to a restaurant. Play it up to make it a BIG DEAL. The key is to catch her off guard, which every woman loves. Write her a note telling her to be ready at 6 because you have a surprise for her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it. Or, instead of a restaurant, make a nice dinner with candles and the whole works. Surprise her!

Words don't mean too much, but actions do. Does she like flowers? Do you remember the day that you two first went out? Or the day you had your first kiss? Well any of these can be "celebrated" by sending flowers or candy with a note inside recalling the event that took place.

Try to set up a certain time each day, if you can, where the two of you can just talk, take a walk, or take a drive. Quality time is very important.

If you show her how much you care, in return, she'll show the same. The point is to recreate what made you two spark in the beginning. What was it that got you two together and interested in each other? Base it all on that. I really hope you can win her back. Good luck!

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Mandy116 answered Sunday June 14 2009, 7:38 pm:
the way i look at it is she fell in love with you onece upon a time. Why not reflect and see what the two of you were before getting caught up in a life of children and careers. Romance her, take her out on dates, spend some alone time like you used to. Just make time for one another and see what can (if possible) be rekindled.
Hope this helps, :)

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JustJessOx answered Sunday June 14 2009, 5:18 pm:
Hey there,im sorry you have to go through this and what im going to tell you is probably not what you want to hear.
but at the end of the day you cant "make" someone fall in love with you,and even if you did suceed in doing this would you truely be happy?
knowing that the love actually isnt real and it had to be first?
love is all about the persons feelings towards each other and unfortuneatly sometimes theese feelings fade and theres not much we can do but just accept that and try to move on with our lives.
she probably has no doubt in her mind that you are a good man and a good husband but she just doesnt feel anything anymore,its not fair to make her stay is it?she and you would be fooling yourselves.
you love her so much then you should respect her decesion and let her go if she 100% truely doesnt want to work things out ask her if shes definately keen on not giving it another go if the answer is yes well then there isnt much you can do. I'm sorry.
hope I helped in anyway,please think about what ive said
Much <3

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