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1 more baby?
I have three children; Two boys and a girl. My oldest is 5 1/2 while my youngest just turned 1. I have a great marriage. We have been married almost 12 years. We have a little home in a nice suburb. My kids get along really well. I have a pretty happy life.
Before my husband and I got married we both discussed having 3 children. He is the eldest of 4. I am an only child. We both wanted a big family. At this point we should be just enjoing what we have made of our lives. Now that my daughter has just turned 1 my husband has made numerous comments about wanting another baby. Just a few weeks ago my 5 year old crawled into my lap and asked when we were going to bring home another baby. He loves his baby sister so much he wants another one. I asked what if he had another baby brother. He responded that would be okay too. So now that the bug has been put in my ear about it, I can't decide what to do.
My problem is my pregnancies gradually got worse with each one. I had joint problems that in my 3rd pregnancy required me walking intermittently on crutches toward the end. I am not the kind who particularly enjoys being pregnant. They were fairly uncomfortable and I was so happy when my 3rd was born because I "Never have to go through this again". I don't really want to go through child birth again. I don't want to deal with the recovery process again, all the blood work, the epidural, the doctor visits. We are incredibly responsible parents so if we did decide to have another I would "suffer" through all of this because it isn't about ME, it's about the health of the baby. I guess I want another baby... but I don't want to HAVE another baby.
The other issue we have is we have several friends who have children with "issues". Two have autism, one has something "like" cerebral palsy but has not actually been diagnosed with this, etc. We have been quite fortunate that I never had a known miscarriage and our kids are all healthy. Would we be tempting fate? My husband's sister has 5 kids who are all healthy but that doesn't mean we would!
Is there anyone out there who has several children and had this dilema of whether or not to have another? What did you decide to do and whatever that decision was, do you regret it or happy about it? I am a religious person so I have prayed about it. This was recent so I am still waiting for my answer. I thought while I was waiting I would get input from other women (or men too) who have been in this situation.
One last thing to add, I am going to be 31 this summer and while I still feel quite young in almost all aspects of life, I am starting to feel a bit old to be having babies. I realize I haven't hit that "danger zone" of 35. I just don't know if I am wanting another baby because I actually WANT 4 kids, or if I want another baby because I am hormonal about my last baby being 1, almost walking, turning into a real little kid and no longer a "baby".
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have you considered adoption if you find a place that does open adoptions you could get a baby i hope you consider this option
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Ok. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, but I'll give it a shot.
I'm 31, this past April.
I have two children 13 months apart.
Both are boys.
We planned to have 3 kids. We stopped at 2.
Most important was financial. We can provide a better life for 2 than we could for 3.
After that was my misery. I had been pregnant for 2 years, I had rough pregnancies, I'm still dealing with postpartum depression, in fact, as my youngest is 15 months old. After much debate, we decided my getting a tubal ligation was the best choice for US.
So what is the best choice for you and your family? THAT is what you need to decide with your husband.
Can you afford the finance of another child?
And DO NOT take your friends' children into consideration when you make this decision. Autism, etc, is bad stuff, but the chances of it affecting your children is slim when you compare the national average to how many children there are in the USA.
Your friends and their children should NEVER come into play when you are making a choice about having children of your own. Why? Because you should have children to love unconditionally. If you are worrying over your friend's child with autism, then perhaps you shouldn't consider having more children.
Believe me when I say I know we all hope for healthy children, but when I was carrying mine, we never fretted over health issues. We would love them as they came. Obviously to us, our two were meant to be.
Please don't take this as me being cross with you, because that isn't the case. I'm just stating the facts as I know them.
If you want my best advice? You admit that you are yet hormonal...
WAIT.
Don't let hormones decide a decision that impacts the lives of so many, including the potential life of one who isn't thought of.
Make sure if you choose to bring that potential someone into the world that they are someone you really want to see.
Wait until your youngest is 2, then think about it, ok? Make sure this is something that you want for you, your family, your life.
ygs- 31/f
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I have given birth to 5 sons and 2 daughters, though my fifth child, and youngest daughter passed away from SIDS when she was two months old. After she died, I went on to have two sons. I'm not so sure if it is tempting fate to have many children, and to be honest with you, if given the choice to erase my daughter and the pain of her death (which literally drove me crazy for over a year. At first I was just numb, but later on I was hearing voices, as well as an obsessive compulsion with checking on my kids. I had to wake up several times in the middle of the night to make sure they were all still breathing, I made every person whose home they went into put new batteries in their smoke detectors, etc.) 14 years later I would choose to have known her and experienced all I did. I guess that is my way of saying that no matter what happens, we all grow and learn from it, even if it seems like there is no getting through it at the time. I think the more serious issue is the fact that you really don't want to have another child right now. Your daughter is only one, and who knows how you will feel next year, or the next. I have known perfectly happy, well-adjusted women who have have had a child when they weren't into it, and they have fought with the mental anguish of having an irrational resentment towards the baby.
You are a 31 year old woman who has delivered three healthy children, so there is no reason why you can't wait until YOU are ready for another child, if ever. There is no invisible line at 35 that makes unhealthy babies.
On a positive note, anything after three kids doesn't really seem like much more work, meaning the transition from one child to two children is incredible, from two children to three children is a bit of a challenge, but not life-changing, but from three to four is a piece of cake.
I love having a big family, and most people who have big families will tell you the same thing. Kids who grew up with lots of siblings usually wouldn't want it any other way.
In my opinion, you have at least two more years before it might be really challenging, and that is only because of the age of your youngest. If you have a child when your youngest is three or under it isn't so much of a transition, but if you have a new baby after your youngest has gained some independence the shock can be really alarming. All of a sudden you've got this new baby when you have just gotten used to being able to take your eyes off of the old baby for five seconds.
I guess my point is-don't stress over doing anything right this minute. Talk with your partner about how you feel, he sounds like he is a very perceptive, comforting man.
Maybe if you discuss how you feel with your husband you will be able to come to a few realizations about exactly what your concerns are. It could be as simple as your husband keeping an eye on the kids a couple of hours a week so you can get out of the house to volunteer or go to school.
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If your worried get a test to see if you can have a healthy child. Many women have insecurities about this subject which is okay. Just talk to your husband about how you feel as in your fears. He will understand and will support you the whole way which makes it so much easier and better for you. A husband's support is what you need. Don't worry too much and bottle it up all inside because it ill explode and that is not healthy for you or your family.
lifescomplicated
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You need to discuss all this honestly and openly with your husband. This is a decision the two of you have to make together. Make sure he's clear about the physical hardships that concern you regarding pregnancy. If you choose to go ahead with another baby, he'll probably need to pick up more of the slack at home, and he needs to be on board with this ahead of time. If you are healthy and able and totally willing to carry another child, I say go for it. You are still young and there's nothing wrong with wanting another baby b/c your littlest one is growing up too fast. Lots of women do that, and trust me, when you can't stand another baby, you'll know it. My good friend was like this. As each baby began to age she missed the "baby stage" so much she would have another. Finally, by her 5th one she'd had enough. She said no more, and she was satisfied with the family she had.
As far as concerns about diseases and defects, that is not for you to worry about. You say you are religious and have prayed about this. If that's true, then you know God is the Lord over everything, and He will never give you anything you can't handle. You can't decide NOT to have a baby just because you're afraid of what MIGHT happen. You could be denying yourselves a real blessing by letting that fear rule you.
In closing, it sounds to me like you've already decided you want at least one more. Talk with your husband, make sure you're both on the same page as far as how it will be during your pregnancy, what you expect from him, etc. Families are a blessing and you certainly sound like you've been blessed tremendously already. If you want to expand, than you should. I don't know if you are a "bible-believer", but if you are, then you will remember God's ultimate commandment from Genesis to "go forth and multiply".
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