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suicide
I am 43 years old and don't really want to be here anymore. In the past month and a half my life has changed and made me realize that I am tired and just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have been with my fiance for 7 years and within that time I never thought my life would be where it is now. I invested every dime I had in his busness ventures and now i have nothing. we moved to florida to a foreclosed house and he runs a strip club he bought with our money and little by little he kept getting home later and later. feeling alone and sad I got bad news from my doctor a month after that. I have ovarian cancer. I told my fiance and he said he was sorry to hear it but now he doesn't come home at all only every three to four days to change. I have no friends and feel so betrayed and there isso much more including that he ruined my credit buying properties under my name then never paying the mortgage.I have nothing. I can't see the future because I have so much in my life that is making me feel this way. I want to be strong but I can't sleep or eat and I need surgery on june 10th and I don't even know if I will be strong enough. I have realized that his actions means the relationship is over but what hurts the most is that I thought he was a good person and would be here for me especially now that I am scared and alone. I just really hate myself I hate who I am and what I have become. I never thought a human being could be so cruel. I feel as if I am looking out through someone elses eyes that I don't belong. I have noone to talk to and just don't want to deal with anything anymore. I never accomplished any great thing or have any friends just me and I hate me.
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I wish I had some advice to offer. I wish that something in my 25 years on this planet gave me an idea of how to impart any bit of hope to you.
The only thing that I can say with any certainty, is that I have considered what you are considering. I've sat there, inches away more than once in my life.
And I would be lying if I said that I regretted choosing life. Even when my life sucks, even now, when the thought occasionally crosses my mind, I do not regret the experiences I have had, the things I have learned, the people I have known and the lives I have helped enrich.
I choose life, because in a world where I feel like I cannot do anything to help myself I've sometimes found ways to help other people. I've sought out those whom I can admire, those whom I would seek to emulate. And I've dedicated every second I spend breathing on this earth to trying to improve their lives, to bring them whatever happiness is within my power to bestow. Even when all I have to offer is love.
In thinking about ending my life, I realized that I didn't care about myself. But that gave me a power greater than anything I've ever had under my control. The power to sacrifice of myself for others, and to not give the slightest shit about the consequences. I've gone without food so my friends can eat. Because I know I couldn't give a shit less if I feel hungry. It doesn't bother me. It bothers them. If I'm going to feel like shit regardless but in doing so I can take on anothers burden, there is less shit in the world.
And I know that when death finds me of its own accord, I will be remembered fondly.
For me, thats enough. More than enough.
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Suicide isn't the answer. A good lawyer is. First thing you need to do is put all his clothes and crap on the front lawn. Either wait for him to come and get it, or set it on fire, whichever makes you feel better. Do not allow him back in the house for any reason. Change the locks.
Get that surgery. You are about to start a whole new life and you need to be well. You can do well on your own. You can get a job and you can make friends. I know it seems impossible right now, but you can get back on your feet. You do not need a jerk like him in your life. He is using you and it stops right now!
Talk to the social services in your area. See if you can't get some assistance and a medical card until you recover from your surgery. That will help with the medical expense if you need it. Most
places will back pay 3 months if for some reason you can't get this done before your surgery. Do not look at this as a long term solution, just help to get you back on your feet.
They may also be able to help with getting you a lawyer who can maybe help you recover some of what his man took from you. He owes you some money and he needs to be made to pay it back. I don't know if they can help with your credit rating, but I would sure ask.
Once you are recovered, decide where you want to live. As someone before me pointed out, you may want to return home. Then get a job. You will make friends.
It will take time. It won't get better over night.
You are feeling depressed, that is normal. You are being buried by some heavy crap right now. You can and will get out of it. Just give it time. Once you are feeling better and have some goals, you will be on the road to recovery. I'll bet you will be happier than you have been in a long time. Obstacles and all.
Best of luck!
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I can't give you any great advice, broken hearts suck worse than anything else, especially when it is done in a dirty way. I will make sure to say some prayers for you, though. You have been through the wringer, but all of this stuff will make you stronger, wiser, and better one day, even though right now that day seems like it will never come.
Right now you feel like you can't make it through, and you know he doesn't deserve it. If you really do want to kill yourself, please please please don't do it over a guy. In a couple of years he won't even matter to you. You'll go through your health issues, get yourself back on track, move on, meet someone, be happy, and run into this jerk and wonder what it was you even saw in him in the first place.
Listen to "Wasted Time" and "Already Gone," by the Eagles. Get a good cry in. I'll be sending you good wishes.
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I'm sorry that these things are happening in your life. It sounds like there is so much going on right now that you've gotten overwhelmed. It's obvious that your fiance is not who you thought he was. If you have any family, you should try to move near them. You said you moved to Florida with him. Maybe you should move back home. I'm sure your family will understand that you're in a financial rut and that you're having health issues now. If your parents, siblings, or aunts/uncles are willing to let you stay with them for a while, you should do that.
If you get out of Florida and away from your fiance, you'll be able to see things in a different light. A simple change in environment can mean a world of difference.
If you can't move in with any family, you should try to go out and find a friend that can become a support system for you. Possibly someone on the internet if you don't want to actually go out and meet someone in person.
You also need to talk to your fiance. Ask him what's up with him not coming home anymore. Tell him that at the time you need him the most, he's not there for you. Let him know how you're feeling. I'm sure he has some heart. If he had heart with you before, he still can. I'm assuming you're thinking he's cheating on you. And it sounds like that could be a possibility. You need to seriously talk to him and tell him that he is no longer welcome in your house if he's not going to change his ways. Kick his ass to the curb. You can find someone better than that.
Here are some sites to go to. They offer financial strategies and tell you how to get help from the government in your time of need:
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The next couple sites are forums filled with people dealing with the same things you're going through. Go to them, sign up, and get to know people. They know what you're going through and you can be each other's support:
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No matter what, suicide is not the answer. It sounds like you just need a support system and some financial help. The above sites should help. If you need to talk further, feel free to inbox me.
Hope this helps,
Darby
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We are about the same age, and I am so sympathic to your situation.
I have been with a man who ruined my credit as well. He drained me and dragged me down with him.
Things were so bad that I had to start over again in my mid thirties. But with a child as well.
Thankfully I have great parents who helped me and provided the support I needed.
Where are your parents? Can they help at all?
I hate to hear that you have Ovarian Cancer to top every thing off.
You must have your sugery and take care of this NOW, that is really the biggest problem you have.
You have to fight the good fight and get healthy so that you can work on the other aspects of your life.
I know you said that you're not even sure you want to try, but you must find it in yourself.
Just because things are really bad now, next year or the one after may be the best of your life, but if you give up, you will never know.
And you're right, about how this man's actions show that it is over for him.
And they always seem like good people, or else they wouldn't be able to talk us into the things that we do.
And if you feel like fighting when you get over your depression and get healthy, I think that you could get some kind of settlement, or a stake in the club.
You have been together for 7 years, and you said it was your money.
But for now, like I said before, your main concern and focus has to be on getting your strengh back.
I'm sure in your area there are cancer support groups, where you can go and meet other people in your situation.
And a group for abused women as well.
Even if he doesn't hurt you physically, the way you say he is treating you is defintely abuse.
These groups offer an invaluable amount of support.
You get to see that you are not out here in the world alone.
And there is always someone in a worse place.
I hope that you will please check into that.
Try and take care of yourself, and if there is anyone, any family member you can turn to, please make that call.
You can start your life over at any age.
Depression is a horrible thing, but you can beat it. YOU CAN.
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Your health will improve dramatically once you remove this boorish lout from your life. 90% of the stress won't be there. You can then focus on your cancer fight. As hard as it will be you'll find the strength coming from deep within for that surgery provided they caught it quick.
As far as credit goes the best thing to do is ignore all calls and letters from creditors. See a credit counsellor or lawyer who can stop the calls, letter and harassment and make a plan so you can pay it back on your terms.
In the event you can't do that declaring personal bankruptcy will work. You won't be able to have a credit card until 7 years are up but cash and debit never hurt anyone. You can keep your car as well.
You need to move out or kick him out and get on with your life. Find support groups for people dealing with your condition and lean on them and your doctors and relatives for support.
Suicide is selfish and hurts everyone you know. It won't solve your problems at all. You can't run away from them and dying is permanent. Every problem no matter how big a mountain it is can be solved without that occurring. Hang in there!
Be sure to see your doctor for a referral to a meantal health professional. You sound depressed (or worse) and medication may fix a lot of the problems you describe with wanting to die over this etc.
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