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My house is no longer a home.
Hi. I'm 18, and yes, I am an adult living at home with my parents.
I hate being here. My parents try and live for me. I know that while I live under their roof, rules apply, and that I need to respect the rules and my parents. But I think my mom's too controlling. I still have a curfew (usually around midnight. EVERY night). My mom insists on meeting every friend I make before she allows me out of the house with them, and I'm FORBIDDEN to go to dance clubs or even the hookah bar a lot of my friends chill (even though I don't smoke, and she knows that). Everytime we argue, she ends up screaming at me, and when she gets really mad, she'll take my bedroom door away. She has to know where I am at all times, and if I'm not doing something she approved of, she'll take my cell (she pays the bill), my car keys (she pays for my car insurance), and my debit card (she's cosigned on it).
If I had enough money left over from paying for school, I would support myself and move out. But I can't afford anything besides school right now, and that's a priority. But I have NO freedom, and mom and i fight constantly.
tonight she actually wouldnt let me visit my boyfriend because he and I recently fought and mom thought it'd be best if i "didn't forgive him yet".
She's controlling my life completely and I'm on the verge of a breakdown. The very thought of coming home to her after class each day makes me want to cry, and I often do on the way home. She insists all my emotional stuff is "drama" and that she is never wrong.
What do I do to cope?
please help.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Yeah a very difficult situation that you're going through now.
We all want to show our parents of how much we've grown up and have gained our own independence to live a new life.
Your mother may seem very controlling to things that you do but in a way, she's caring to you. Hard to believe at first, right? Your mother just wants to keep you in a safe situation where she eventually reaches to the extent of worrying about you and what you do after classes. It's a strange, and often mistaken as unloving, bond between parents and their child where the parent is over-protective and controlling towards their child because they want to help you grow into an independent individual and be able to face life's challenges. Your mother just wants you to grow into a strong woman who will be well-prepared for any of life's difficulties.
Find the time to sit down with your mother and talk to her about at least having a little bit of freedom to prove to her that you ARE an independent person and can handle herself. If she interrupts, just be mature and let her know that she needs to be patient and listen.
Arguments is in a way of showing that we have to handle a tough situation carefully without having to worsen it by shouting back. If you're mother is shouting at you, wait for her to cool down and use that chance to talk to her in a mature way. Arguments would always tempt us to argue back, to make us mad at others, and if she's yelling just be calm and say something that you want to say without having to say it all in a rough way.
Show her that you can be a full-grown woman who can support herself by being able to handle problems in a reasonable way.
Hope this was of some help to you! I wish you luck~ you are a brave adult now so stand up to something you believe you are ready to face! =3
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My parents and I don't speak anymore for reasons like this. So, to be honest I don't have much advice to give you about coping and not going insane.
You're old enough to make your own choices, but parents often don't remember this. I had that too. I moved out, I began supporting myself and making my own choices, but they still saw me as the high school kid with the curfew. Plus, my parents are Catholic, so I had the added religious bullshit like "are you going to church?" and "youre not having premarital sex, right?"
Anyway, my reaction to this was to establish as much independence as possible. It was much easier being in another city, but I still began to take things out of their control. Mostly through having a job and not having to worry about them cutting off my phone service, things of that nature. I eventually even arranged to get a car in my own name so they couldn't repo it when we fought.
Being at home is going to be difficult, but you can do little things to establish your independence. Phone is an easy one. A part time job would more than pay for phone service and a few extra goodies, and not being able to threaten your phone is a way you can say "No, I am an adult, and you will not place childish limits on me "for my own good" because I still live in your house"
One idea that I have, that worked a little bit, is that I talked to my parents and told them that I would be more than willing to work on things that cause house disruption.
If you do things that disrupt the household alot, you know bring friends over unannounced or stay out till 5 am without saying anything before hand, eating things planned to make dinner with, etc, they have every right to be pissed off.
But your boyfriend? Taking your bedroom door away?
Oh, and how to argue with your mom? Out-mature her.
1) Do not yell or cry. Don't even be frustrated. Be tired and exasperated because your mother is acting like a child. When she starts yelling ask her if she can please use a civil tone.
2) When she starts yelling, just stop talking entirely, don't give her any acknowledgement, and just wait for her to wind down. When she stops talking entirely WAITING for you to respond, continue as if the yelling never started.
3) If she interrupts you, ask her not to. Parents do this alot, because obviously being older whatever they have to say takes precedence.
If she interrupts you try to continue speaking. If she doesnt stop, wait for her to finish and tell her that you aren't going to discuss things with her if she can't stop herself from interrupting you.
Be willing to raise your tone a little and tell her "Stop! Stop Interrupting me!" Ive bitched my parents out (thus getting to vent and not get in trouble for it) for interrupting me several times.
Demand to be treated like an adult and refuse to accept anything less, and she won't have a choice.
Get a separate bank account. Take a job, and pay for your phone. Hell, if the car is in your name, get the insurance in your name as well and refuse to hand over your keys.
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Well, this is a really difficult situation, but you said it yourself: as long as you live in THEIR house, you're going to have to deal with THEIR rules.
You are lucky you have a home and parents who obviously care about your well being. You could be MUCH worse off. You need to keep in mind that your parents are only looking out for you; they're not out to destroy your life or make every single decision for you. They just want what is best for you!
Having said that, I would sit your mom [and dad if you need to] down, and have a calm, real conversation with them. Explain to them that you are 18, and a legal adult, and you think you should have a bit more freedom in your life. You need to let them know that they are really upsetting you, and you feel like they're trying to control your life. You need to voice your opinions, but you do not need to yell or fight about it.
Another tip: Be mature and when your mom is screaming, don't scream back at her. She's doing SO much for you: paying your cell phone bill, your car insurance AND cosigning on your Debit card, and you need to remember that. I really don't know what else to tell you, other than perhaps if you show maturity and responsibility, your parents will consider giving you more freedom.
Also, I think you should find a way to relieve your stress. Start a journal, listen to music, go for a run, anything. Here's a link to my suggestions for stress relief:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I hope this helps & best of luck.
-Laura (16-f)
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You are not an adult living with your parents. You their teenage daughter who is still living on their dime.
Please, don't think I'm defending everything they do; it's obvious that you have it on very hard and unjust terms. Some of their treatment of you is most certainly unfair, but never the less, call this what it is: You are a dependant. You may be in adult under the law at 18, but in activities and actual freedom, you are still a teen, or at best, a young adult living at home.
Some things, however irrational and unfair, she is entitled too.
And based even on this question, your mom might have a point about you getting emotional. Again, I’m not defending her! It’s obvious she gets extremely emotional and drama filled too! But to rise above this mess, you need to stop engaging in it as well.
You need to be calm, decided and willing to deal with the consequences of your actions.
When you are decided and certain, instead of confused and fighting, it’s easier to keep your cool and remain focused. You need to keep your cool. If you continue to get pulled into shouting matches, you will always loose. Period.
You fight = You loose. You scream = You loose.
So, instead of fighting and getting confused, get some clarity on this situation. Sit down when you are quiet and calm and write down a list of what is and isn’t acceptable. For the things that are not acceptable, state what your response will be.
I’ll make this simple as possible for you. Here’s my version:
It is acceptable that I have curfew while living at home.
It is acceptable for you to remove privileges for which you pay.
It is acceptable for you to expect to have an idea of where I am when I am out.
It is acceptable for you to ask me not to go to hookah or dance clubs. (I know you might disagree, but I’m with your mom on this one. A daughter of mine at 18 would be forbidden to go to a hookah bar, and strongly discouraged from clubbing.)
It is NOT acceptable for you to remove my door. I am eighteen years old, and unless you suspect me of engaging in illegal behavior or harming myself, you may not remove my privacy. In the future, I will reattach my door or put up a screen if you remove it.
It is NOT acceptable for you to demand to meet any person I know before I am allowed to go out with them. I am entitled to make my own friends and I have proven myself responsible enough in my choices that they should not need your approval. In the future, I will go out in the company of the people I choose; regardless of them having met you are not.
As well as selecting my friends, I will choose the way in which I conduct all my relationships. I will speak to my boyfriend, forgive him or be angry with him, as I choose. Although I value your opinion on these subjects, I am entitled to not following your advice.
Set these boundaries, stick to them and know what it is will cause. Your mom will fight back and will remove everything she can from you: Cell phone and car, and maybe door, maybe your favorites foods. Basically anything she can think of. Accept the first two because they are on the acceptable list and she has a right to do them, even if her reasons are not rational. Use the house phone, a public phone or arrange get-togethers while at school. Have other people pick you up, or walk places. Do whatever it is you decide to when she removes your door. Maybe you’ll put something else up instead to maintain your privacy, or maybe you’ll sleep in a different room that does have a door.
She will scream. She will yell. She will do everything she can to make you mad and if you are actually going to make changes in this relationship, you are going to have to stay calm and stick to your guns and say, calmly and respectfully “No mom. You are wrong and I won’t accept that. This is what I’m going to do.”
It’s either that, or you put up and shut for a few more years. That is also a valid choice that works for many people.
Remember, when faced with adult who is acting like a child, you can only be victorious by out-adult-ing them. That means the very SECOND that you yell back, or name-call or do any of the immature things, you’ve lost the fight. It’s not enough to be right when arguing with someone who is convinced that they are right, you must behave perfectly in order to make your point.
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I think you need to talk to your mom and let her know how you're feeling. Yes, you are in her house, but you are eighteen and you're free to do what you wish. And if there's anyone else you can live with in your family for free or slim-to-none, then I would consider moving in with them.
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