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Are there times when not revealing an affair is ok?
I had an affair for a few weeks and we did have sex 1 time. It blew up horribly when my spouse found things. She does not know we were intimate and I really do not want her to know. She is a wreck and so am I. I am afraid that this will kill her - she is a little unstable right now. Why does she even need to know these details? I can carry this secret to my grave. If this were known, I believe we will end up in a divorce and our home w/kids will be destroyed, and I do not want that to happen! It seems like I remember Dr. Laura mentioned once that a one-time affair (not a long lasting one) didn't need to be disclosed. Why burden your spouse with this. Why dump these rocks on them. Its your burden to carry. Help.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Honesty is the best policy. If she really loves you she will somehow struggle through it. You made a choice and now ultimately she has to live with your choice and it will never change. When you know better, you do better. Do not ever let yourself get in another situation like this unless you are ready to leave your wife and shatter your family. The grass isn't also greener, that person has crap too.
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I'm sure you know this now, but I will mention
it for others who may read this. The time to
worry about hurting someone and destroying a
home and family is BEFORE you have an affair.
If Dr Laura has said anything about affairs
and not telling, it would probably have been
about something that happened before marriage.
Have you ever listened to Dr Joy Brown?
She is the one who says that telling is
cruel. It is done only to relieve YOUR
conscious and make YOU feel better. All
it does for your spouse is hurt them
horribly, leave them with fear and
insecurities.
That would be in a case where it was a
one time thing, your sorry you did it
and don't intend to ever do that again.
Your wife had no clue at all and would
be shocked that you had done it.
In your case though she does know a
little about it. Already suspects you
of it. In your case your wife needs
to know what happened. She needs to
hear you are sorry and that you will
never do this again. You need to talk
and hope that you can resolve this.
If you love each other it is possible.
Keep in mind she won't trust you again
overnight. It will take time and patience
on your part.
If you love your wife let her know it.
If it is easier, write a long letter.
Best of luck to you.
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In my honest opinion, she has every right to know. You broke her trust and the vows you made when you got married to begin with. You owe it to her and yourself to come clean with everything. If you two really love each other, you'll probably be able to pull through this. She should know, she deserves to know. What she'll do with the information once you tell her is her prerogative, but in the long run it'll be better on the both of you to have the whole, blunt, and awful truth out in the open.
Hope I helped.
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ok im 14 sounds lame that im answering this and like i have no experince.... but honestly she needs to know.... that what marriage is and well she can help you and just tell her... i mean secrets kill better you tell her than one of her friends right.... ive watched this happen and trust me its better to tell her now and not after she already knows. So you dont have to take my advice but i know alot about this
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I'm not sure of all your circumstances and all of the details, but honestly, tell her. When you get married, it's suppose to be for life. It is suppose to mean your faithful to them. It's not right for you to lie to your wife and make her think everything is okay when it is obviously not.
If you never tell her, it could come back to bite you in the butt later in life. Trust me when I say, it hurts women the most when you lie to them. There could be different outcomes to this situation. If you sit her down and tell her the honest truth, she might forgive you. I do not believe in the statement "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But it is rare for you to only cheat once and never do it again.
If you really love your wife, you will be honest with her. If you want to make things right between you and her, tell her you want to go to therapy for this incident. Marriage counsling would work wonders. There has to be something going on with you and your wife, that caused you to have an affair. Therapists would love to help ya'll work through this.
If things don't go this way and she leaves you, I can't say I'd blame her. Once you have an affair, nothing is really ever the same. The trust will be gone and she will always wonder if your out doing it again. The best advice I can give you, is tell her the truth. Everything happens for a reason, so whatever the outcome is, is whats suppose to happen.
x0*-Bryttnii
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Yeah I remember Dr. Laura saying that, too. Well, every situation is different and this was a recent event, not something in the past which is what Dr. Laura was saying about something long ago not needing to be dug up years later. It is your burden to bear, however your wife already knows about the affair, just not the details. This means, you have to lie to her if she asks about it directly in order to keep your secret. I don't think that is what Dr. Laura meant at all, do you? It is normal that you both are a wreck, but people survive far worse. Are you really protecting her or yourself here? I don't know what "unstable" really means in your assessment of her. One third of marriages survive infidelity, so your fears are not illogical, but not a certainty either. I want you to do at least three things whether or not you tell your wife. First, get a full panel of sexual disease screening. Do this because you love your wife and her health. Even if you had safe sex, because nothing is 100%. Refrain from sex with your wife until the results are in and you know it is good. Second, go to therapy. Tell your therapist everything in private. Later you and your therapist can decide when and if to ever tell your wife. She will probably enter into therapy with you after a few sessions. Third, do not have any and I mean any contact with the other woman...hopefully she won't come knocking on your door to report a pregnancy. Everyone makes mistakes and you are human. You can learn from this and move on, but not unless you deal with it.
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if it's been going on for a few weeks, it's not a one- time affair. you're obviously not happy with your wife if you're going to someone else for intimacy and sex. she deserves the chance to find someone else so she herself can be happy.
it may be really hard, but you should tell her.
if she found out from someone else, she would be so much more hurt.
you may want to tell her, but make sure she knows that you want to work things out for the sake of your kids.
good luck, and i hope things work out for you and your wife.
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