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humorist-workshop
marriage & children
I guess i'm lucky. I feel I have the perfect boyfriend, he's loving, caring, supportive and he accepts me the way I am.... only one problem. He wants to get married, in a church too & he wants to have children... Normally most girls dream of this. But I never have, it's just strongly against my own personal beliefs, but I won't get into that.
We talked about this and came to the conclusion that we shouldn't worry about it because there MIGHT be a SLIGHT possiblity that i MIGHT change my mind in the future... only i highly doubt it.
I'm scared he'll leave me, if I never do give in. I really love him, and I think love is more important than any of that stuff, but he doesn't agree. He feels he NEEDS it to be a part of his life.
So what do you think? Am I worrying too much? Or am I just wasting his time if we have no "future" together? Any other advice?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you really believe that your mind will never change on this issue that is very important to your boyfriend, then it is inevitable that you both will clash about this issue. While you truly do love him, it is important for you to find out if he is willing to put his love for you above everything else. I suggest you sit him down and talk about it, because whether you talk about it or not, if it turns out he’s not willing to compromise, your fear will come true regardless. Your goal in a relationship is to be with someone you can love, who also shares most values with you, and is willing to compromise. Relationships where neither partner is willing to compromise, never last.
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Just because you don't want to get married doesn't mean your relationship will become plateaued. If he truly loves you, he should try to be accepting of your decision. You two should definitely talk more about why you don't want to get married and try to come to a better understanding with eachother. He's probably thinking that it's the American dream: the wife, the kids, the white picket fence, etc. Honestly, I'm pretty sure you have a 50% chance of changing your mind down the road. When I met my fiance, I didn't want to get married or have kids either. Now, my motherly instincts are starting to come up to the surface. I think it's sort of a waiting game and you both should just enjoy eachother for now and see where life takes you, you just never know what might happen.
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Listen to some of the other advice you've recieved '... if you aren't ready for that.', '... you are still young.' and '[it] would not be so bad.' and from all corners, even from him and from yourself, the expectation that it is YOU who needs to change.
It's an interesting idea, and perhaps even right, you might change your mind. But they are also deeply sexist and belittling ideas, rooted in the idea that no female can be stasfied without a marriage and a family and that sooner or later, you'll realize that.
These ideas theorize that you will grow out of your 'personal beliefs' and want what all women are supposed to want.
Will you come to feel that way? You certainly might and you are definately able to choose to stay in the relationship trying to change yourself. Maybe you'll even agree to marriage and kids, and be blisffully happy. Maybe you'll give in and grow bitter and resentful as you live a life you never wanted.
No one has a crystal ball however.
I think, as a mature person looking for a long term relationship, you are worrying just the right amount. (If you are 14 however, why are you even talking about this? Go back to dating and having a good time. This is not a disagreement worth having in your teens!)
You are basing your long term love affair with this guy on a slight possiblity which you highly doubt. He didn't even admit a slight possibilty that HE might change. You seem to understand that the responsbility to change has been left squarly on your shoulders, and I would agree it probably has.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why you are worried: You are worried because this is a foolish thing, and an unlikely one, to base your furture happiness on.
The saying is true hun: Love just aint enough. Love is not a force of nature that conquers all. It's like the rest of life, it needs support and nurisment to exist. Without a shared vision for the future, one that gives you mutal satasfaction, your relationship is doomed. It will be eaten away by resentment and bitterness.
Don't pin your life dreams on winning the lottery and one of you changing your minds. I'm sorry, but if you are looking for happiness, you need to be more realistic then that. You need to at least consider that the 'perfect boyfriend' might not be the perfect partner for you.
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Like you said, he accepts the way you are and that would include your beliefs upon having a family. And like you also said, you aren't worried about it so there shouldn't be any problem there.
Don't worry about the future, only worry about the present. I don't think that there is any reason for him to leave you because you love him and he loves you. True, he wants to have a family and get married (which isn't unusual) but if you're not ready for that, then he should wait until you are.
You two have got a future a you've got to believe in what you've got together. Some people dream about what you've got and you're living those people's dream. If one isn't sure, then the other isn't and the realtionship falls apart. Faith in the realtionship is what keeps it together.
People change what they think all the time and when they do what they thought that they didn't want to do, something amazing always happens (if you get what i mean). For example, i didn't want to be an advice columnist because I thought that it would be waste of time...but as you can see, i changed my mind about it!!
I hope this helped,
triquetra
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It is quite possible that you may change your mind eventually because you are still quite young to be thinking of settling down.
If he is a lot older, it might make things difficult for you both because he wants to move on with his life whilst you do not.
If you really feel that you are meant for each other, you need to sit down and come up with a possible action plan. Maybe suggest travelling for a year if you are both adventurous. It is not wrong to not want a family or to get married and he she not make you feel you are. It is also very normal for him to feel the way he does.
If you can picture yourself living with him for the rest of your life you may decide that having 'little replicas of him' would not be so bad.
Another line of thought could be looking into your childhood and discovering if there is any reason why you do not want family life. If there is you do not have to follow the same ways you were raised.
It is not a question that is easily answered but I hope I have given you some food for thought. Neither of you are wrong to want your own lives and compromise may be the only answer. I wish you both the very best of luck for the future.
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